I would love to get some success stories of how any of you have successfully helped your spouse realize / accept that their ADD is a big part of the problems in the marriage. My husband blames our marital problems on me - he says I am an angry, abusive person and that if I don't get help and change it will be the ruin of our marriage. He acknowledges that he has ADD and he also acknowledges that his ADD affects aspects of his life, but it's the aspects that are convenient for him (can't follow up with chores, is totally consumed with activities like TV and video games, cannot give me support because he can't be emotional).
Help. I am tired of being the only one in the marriage willing to work on our relationship. Surely it can't work if it's all one sided. He thinks I just need to accept his ADD and deal with it.
I wish I could be more
Submitted by gobsmacked on
I wish I could be more positive, but my boyfriend of 1.5 years just freaked out and left over this exact issue. I pointed out some issues that were arising from the fact that he wouldn't do anything about his ADHD other than take his pills - he too will admit to not keeping up with the chores or paperwork, and completely denies all the other issues: no sex drive, irritability/furious outbursts, silent treatment for days after disagreements, 18+ hours a day on his computer game, lack of hygiene....the list goes on and on. He ended up leaving with no place to stay, and, until I told him to stop, continued to send me multiple emails detailing how abusive I was and how he couldn't live with someone who "wouldn't let him be himself."
He needs to want to make things better. He has to want to try. If he won't, I don't see much hope.
Also not an answer you want to hear . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
There's little or nothing you can do. Our marriage was a carbon copy of yours, and my ADD husband left some months ago, citing the same issues. If he can't accept his diagnosis as a major source of your marital problems, and doesn't want to see the situation for what it is, then that's just how things will be. Outside of leaving and possibly divorcing him--which seems to shock some husbands into reality--there's nothing you can do or say will change the situation. It won't get any better. I'm very sorry. :(
Keep reading this website
Submitted by ladybug on
I agree with those who have said to keep your eyes open wide and accept that he might not change. Better to end it now than to waste the precious years of your life wondering if he will EVER see you for who you are. The hard advice I took after looking over this website and other resources too.....Yes, I need to learn some new ways of dealing with anger and frustration due to husband's ADD. BUT unless he is 1.) willing to own the ADD, acknowledge this is a diagnosis he has, 2.) be courageous enough to look at how the ADD has negatively impacted our whole life together, our parenting, and especially our relationship and, 3.) take significant steps to address the impacts of ADD, even just trying is all I would have asked. If the ADD spouse will not do their part in these ways, THEN ultimately it is impossible to save the marriage and the family. One can be patient and give them some time to adjust once learning about it all, but after some time has gone by, it will become pretty clear what their choice is.
joint counseling
Submitted by arwen on
My experience with my ADHD spouse has been that when we have been in your kind of situation, it has helped to go to joint counseling -- preferably with a professional who is knowledgeable about ADHD. Even if your spouse doesn't think he needs to change, you can tell him that you need him to go with you to present a complete picture to the counselor in helping you to deal with your problems. (And, it sounds like you probably have some problems -- if your husband thinks you are abusive, there's probably a measurable amount of anger on your part, and regardless of whether it's motivated by his ADHD or not, it's something you should get help for.) In the process, the counselor is bound to notice some of the same behaviors that you are encountering with your spouse, and will probably speak to them. When an ADHD spouse hears from a professional counselor, in the presence of their non-ADHD spouse, that they do in fact have problem behaviors, it's a little hard to keep denying their contribution to the marital difficulties. While most ADHDers still won't acknowledge how bad a problem they have at this point, they will often own up enough that it can at least help to get them moving in a positive direction. (Of course, it's important then for you to follow up appropriately. Pouncing on your spouse in the car on the way home with "See, I told you so" is not going to help! Tackling the situation gently by saying something gently like, "Honey, this is kind of what I've been trying to communicate to you, it really is a problem for me" is more likely to keep the ball rolling.)
Good luck!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
Not sure I agree with this
Submitted by BreadBaker on
(And, it sounds like you probably have some problems -- if your husband thinks you are abusive, there's probably a measurable amount of anger on your part, and regardless of whether it's motivated by his ADHD or not, it's something you should get help for.)
I'm not so sure that this was a fair comment to make. I don't know about her situation, but in mine, I was also told by my husband that I was "angry" and "abusive." This is what he would call me when he would, for instance, lose focus, physically hurt me, and I would say "ow--don't do that." He would also say this when I would feel so weary, broken, depressed, and trapped by our awful marriage that I would break down crying. He couldn't see any reason why I should be unhappy, and didn't believe me when I would tell him that he had hurt me (physically emotionally, etc.). His assessment: It certainly couldn't be him who was doing all of these horrible things to me, because he didn't remember them. So, it must be me doing those things to him. Then he would declare himself the "victim" and go on about what a horrible person I was . . . after I had done nothing to him, and on several occasions was nursing bruises, nearly had my foot broken, etc.
I've just spent a year crawling from the wreckage of my marriage and spending many hours in therapy building myself back up after being psychologically torn down by my husband's gaslighting. The assessment by multiple doctors was that my biggest problem was that I doubted myself too much and wasn't angry enough to stand up for myself and leave an abusive situation. It took months for them to get it through to me that I wasn't the abusive one in this marriage, and that it really was him and his disorder causing all of this pain and damage.
Please do not assume that someone is "angry" and "abusive" because these words were thrown out there by her ADD husband. You weren't there, and you don't know what she may have gone through.
not assuming
Submitted by arwen on
Breadbaker, I think Iunderstand where you are coming from, and you know that I'm sorry you had to deal with someone who treated you as you have described. But I think you may be reacting to something that I didn't actually say or think. Because I didn't assume -- my use of the word "probably" indicates a likelihood, not a certainty, not an assumption -- I was indicating that I thought there was a good chance of anger being present -- this *likely hypothesis* (not assumption) being based on Jeanine's husband's perception, plus the fact that quite a lot of ADHD marriages produce a certain amount of anger on the part of the non-ADHD spouse, plus the fact that while it's not uncommon for an ADHDer to distort perceptions, it's not typical for them to invent perceptions from absolutely nothing. And I certainly never said (or even thought) *anything* indicating that she could actually be abusive.
So, I don't feel your implied charge that I made assumptions is deserved. On the other hand, my comment could have been expressed in a gentler way that *sounded* less judgmental and more informative (which is always what I am trying to be), and thus may have been more useful to the poster I was responding to and less disquieting to you (and possibly others) -- and that certainly would have been better for everybody. So I do appreciate your expressing your concerns -- thanks for speaking up.
[Just for the record, philosophically, I am definitely not of the "if there's smoke, there's fire" persuasion -- I believe, as it seems you do, in the concept of Heinlein's "Fair Witness", a person who only attests to what they know from their own observations. And if there's anything I've learned from life with my ADHD spouse, it's that I can't ever make any assumptions about anything ever, and as a result, the only assumption I ever make any more is that if I seem to have gotten two conflicting messages about something, I must have misunderstood something somewhere along the line -- so, it seems especially ironic to me to be warned about making assumptions.]
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
I see your point . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I've been dealing with a similar issue elsewhere, and there was some spillage . . . sorry if I had all of the subtlety of a dump truck. I'm a little sensitive in this area. Of course you weren't being judgmental and seeing things in black and white, and I see that very clearly this morning.
The general issue of people thinking that mine was a "normal" marriage disaster, and believing some of the twisted reality my husband has been reporting have been sore spots for me for a while. I know that I was to blame for some of our marriage problems, but it's rough going between friends and family who say "you each had an equal hand in destroying the marriage" to mental health professionals who say "it was almost entirely his ADD/you didn't do anything significant enough to take down a marriage/nothing you could have done would have made any difference." The more I learn, I lean towards the latter (although I haven't given myself a free pass--I*am* working on things I believe I did wrong), but I've been the target of some pretty preachy friends lately who don't understand that it's a whole different story with this disorder. It's painful, frustrating, and very lonely at times, even when I'm in a room full of people to whom I am close.
(BTW, you get major sci-fi geek props from me for knowing the Heinlein! :)