I don't know about your DHs, but mine comes up with the "next big thing" several times a week. Of course he doesn't follow through on one thing, ever. This week alone, he's had five big ones and he wants to talk about them for hours. Every one of them requires years of training or schooling,and all of them are completely unrealistic.
I actually just got done with yet another conversation, this one about becoming an insurance agent. He's been unemployed for several years and I get that he wants to help support, but why not pick training based on your background (which is IT).
I love him and I want to be supportive, but how many times do I have to be a cheerleader when I know it doesn't go anywhere, ever? Not one of his ideas has he ever followed through on.
How do you handle the constant stream of ideas?
I'd like to know!
Submitted by Icefishinglady on
I hear you! Though the man I am living with (we were engaged, but he decided he didn't want to get married and I won't bore you with the details) *is* gainfully employed, he is often off on some tangent or other. A cabin on a lake (my dream). No, can't do that, better to move into the city and live in a townhome. Let's go look at these houses on the lake. Which one do you like? "I'm going to work until I die". "When my (disabled) sons go to a group home, I'll stop by to see them every night after work". "I need to save for my retirement". "The sky is falling! The sky is falling!" (financially). "Oh, I have plenty of money, I just need to get my billing done." "You don't need to pay me anything to live here - you can't afford it!" (I CAN, but he would never LET me.) "You need to put some skin in the game and pay for your expenses".
He will say something... deny he said it... say it again. He will say words and a moment later when I try to mirror back what he said, he denies he said them. He will tell me that *I* said something that I NEVER said - and most of the time when I talk he isn't listening, so how would he even know what I said?
This hurts EVERYONE - his customers, his children, my family, me. I think they just blurt out whatever they are thinking at the moment, without every considering the ramifications/consequences. Some of it is outright lies to cover their ADD behaviors.
I fear I will lose my mind.
I'm so sorry. I went off on a tangent here.... thanks for listening anyway.
all of the above
Submitted by Standing on
Ideas, Ideas, So Many Ideas/Stream-of-Consciousness Thinking
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Hi Standing,
I always describe the organization of my thinking as stream-of-consciousness, rather than the linear thinking many non-ADHD people employ, so it's interesting you describe it that way as well. It definitely lends itself to a lot of creative thinking, because I connect my thoughts in an out-of-the-box fashion. It can also be rather distracting, because my thoughts aren't always sequential and ordered as I might prefer and I can get off-task quite easily. Consequently, my actions are less efficient than someone like you. Making lists helps me externalize the many disordered thoughts I have, though frequently, if I am handwriting a list that requires prioritization, I put my thoughts on paper then rewrite it in order of importance. This is another example of things that take me longer than other people. A small microcosm of the inefficiency that comes with ADHD. Sigh...
As far as ideas go, I have managed to channel that need to always be doing a few things at once toward mitigating my symptoms. I put my efforts specifically into ADHD symptom management, learning about my issues and what I can do about them from as many avenues as possible. I must say, that the need to hyperfocus on 100 things at once has lessened with my ADHD diet and supplements, which I take/follow in addition to medication. Now I am down to about 10-15 things; lol.
Anxiety does make it harder to narrow one's focus, though. When I am feeling overwhelmed and/or anxious, I sometimes ask my husband for help to prioritize my lists. He's really good at that, and is kind enough to help me :)
ADHDMomof2
Thank you, Momof2,
Submitted by Standing on
You sound like a very mature, insightful, humble person.
I would feel more hope if my husband were willing to ask for help in prioritizing, if he would be keen on exploring supplements and diet to improve his symptoms, if he had the slightest clue that he is making life so much more difficult and painful than it has to be. But he only thinks of himself.
The stream of consciousness that he's been vocalizing has focused on his cold symptoms and bodily functions. It's a very low-level, childish thing that's really pretty gross. It occurs to me as I type this that maybe I get to hear this because he views me as the mommy.
With his creative, potentially inspiring thoughts, he tends to jump on the phone and hook someone in to them, so they're a done deal before those of us who have to do the actual work involved get an opportunity for input. He's a good salesman. Our job is to be the dutiful, industrious crew that handles the drudgery. It's all quite tyrannical, but works out great for him. Until the crew drops from exhaustion and despair.
I've had plenty of the effects of anxiety in my life, too, and I see how that's given me some add-like responses. You mentioned that need to be always doing several things at once. Thank you for that! I'll think of it next time I realize that I'm trying to cook dinner, fold laundry, and balance my checkbook simultaneously :) My anxiousness seemed to be founded on a perfectionistic drive to do it all, like the nesting urge, before children are born... but I got stuck there. Oy. Husband would love for me to remain stuck there, I suppose. But I Will continue to grow out of it :) I am not the mommy. Thanks again!
lists :)
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm a list person as well, I can save you one step...If I put 6 things on my hand written list and then when I look at it, if its not in the order I want to do it...I just put a 1 and circle it by number 1...and so on..;) If you do something that's not on your list do you add it?
So true....
Submitted by c ur self on
(All of it revolves around him, almost like he is reciting aloud each move that he makes, a lot of it focused on his eating habits.There is absolutely no way i can keep pace, so I've begun tuning him out entirely. He doesn't seem to even notice, so maybe he really is talking to himself.) He is at times:)...I bet he does it when you're not around to, he is speaking what he is thinking...It's easy for this to happen when a person's mind is working in so many different directions at once, it helps keep them focused...My wife's life style would dictate most everything about our relationship if I let it...I use to let it, just trying to have time together...She has an overflow of idea's and just living out what she calls normal will dictate our every free minute. I can't remember her ever asking me this question: Husband what would you like to do today? lol...I've never started a thread and I'm not sure if I know how....But, someday I want to write one about add as it intertwines with other personality traits...I would like feedback on it, because, I personally think much of what is spoken about on this forum isn't add at all, it maybe mixed with it, but just like all human beings...most everyone has baggage of some kind...
c ur self
Submitted by Standing on
"My wife's life style would dictate most everything about our relationship if I let it"
Yes, exactly. How do you prevent it? And does she take offense when you don't cater?
And how does she show you that she loves you? (in an emotional way, I mean)
Please do start a thread... I need to know these things! :)
Standing, sorry this so long...
Submitted by c ur self on
How do I prevent it...well first I want to say, I do quiet a bit she wants to do, and I do quiet a bit for her just because I love her. Also, all of us have issues and she didn't ask for add. I am retired from my job now after 38+ years at age 56...So I have more time now...But, I also have to recognize traits like dependency and expectations. I will give you a few examples...
1) She expresses the desire to eat healthy, and even buys veggies/fruits for smoothie's' (but, in reality junks bad, if its in the house and doesn't take work to prepare she eats it. I think or I should say I feel ( never us I think when speaking to each other) she does this for two reasons laziness and because she lives her life in 1/2 circles, which means rarely finishes anything she starts (more comfortable in a mess vs. clean spaces) so she would throw the smoothie together but knows she's not going to clean up behind herself, and don't want to deal with leaving her mess for me) but, her habit is to lay in bed hitting snooze until she has to jump up and rush to get ready for work...well what do you know, there's no time to fix one:)...So, I hear, I would love to have a smoothie? So, I make it. ;)...But, I also make sure I take my bike ride about 30 minutes before she gets up many days...So she goes to work hungry. I do it to break the dependency string, and encourage being responsible. It's easier to send a message by my actions, than to try and talk to and adult about being responsible. Also I like about a 90 minutes bike ride when the sun is hot.
2) She has most everything she had when we married, can't get rid of anything. So, she has a house that is setting, full of junk she can't bring herself to throw away, is emotionally attached to every item :)...We had agreed to sell both homes and buy one we both liked before we wed...Well, after I realized, through much grief and pain:(, she wasn't capable of this. I put this boundary in place...I told her that I would feed the dog (we have a dog there, fenced yard) and keep the yards up for her project house. But, I would not put one dime into it...If I see a problem, i tell her about it and she can deal with it how ever she thinks. Working so far..
3) She works a week and is off a week. Her mind set is to sleep and work for 8 days...Then play and run the roads when off, so we went to the beach the time before last, and last time we visited our grown son out of town for his birthday, came back and kept the grand kids, two nights and of course she had to take them 60 miles away where they could play in this nice water park...She is very loving and has the heart of a kid, thrill seeker:)...So I told her after that trip, next time your off, I want to stay at home and spend some time together, and eat some home cooked meals...So when she worked out we hung around the house enjoying our week, but then all of a sudden she needed to go south to visit her sister and our two grown boys...Of course she new what I had told her, but she started hinting about me going...I told her, hey I told you, I was staying home, this is your thing, so be careful...So she went...I could have gone but it's the principle. She is very controlling and manipulative so I have learned that when I change my mind based on her influence her efforts to control and manipulate gets worse. Also respect starts disintegrating...But, if I without being a butt hole, just stick to what I said, and let her deal with her own stuff...Then in return, she seems to be more respectful and more at peace with our relationship.
Does she take offense when I do not cater? Not really, I can tell by her comments she would love to at times:), but knows she couldn't justify it.
How does she show me that she loves me? She tells me from time to time she appreciates all I do...She brags on me to family and friends, I think she's always been faithful...This is something that just happened today:...I went into the bedroom today and touch her face, it was about 40 minutes before she had to get read for work...when she opened her eye's I didn't say anything, but she knows me (its been a while)...lol...She as I expected;) instantly said, I've got my clock set for 30 more minutes of sleep...So she had her plan, and I wasn't part of it :)...So I sucked it up like a big boy and went and loaded up my bike and rode for a while. Just a bit ago while typing this I got a call from her...She didn't mention today of course, but told me she had used a Replens before work and ask me to ( she's been suffering with Vaginismus, painful) stay awake...I'm going to be a sleep just to spite her...Liar ;)
Let me say this, and this is some of the things I wanted to start a thread for...My wife had been hurt and taken advantage of to the point of abuse by men, she was 46 when we married. She had never been married, but had raised her two boys by herself. They were 16 and 21 and they were her life...She was super independent, and to trust I'm sure was difficult...Now stack add (not the mild variety) on top of that (sorry adhdmomof2 I've stolen your description.) and you have something :)...I liked to have worked myself to death when we first got married and not only did it not mean anything to her, she didn't like me, She liked the mess! And me just being what I called serving and responsible was intimidating, I just couldn't get it! We fought about everything. I took every act of independence, and add behavior as premeditated and on purpose. I was the prise husband, good cook, didn't mind helping in the house, good job, still the same size waist as in high school 32....worked out...she wasn't impressed:(...Oh when I look back, All I can say is thank you God...I didn't have a clue how to live with her in an understanding manner...
Thanks, c ur self, i appreciate you!
Submitted by Standing on
Will have to read what you wrote again and again, but my heart gets it, instantly.
My head wants me to run for the hills, but that flight instinct comes just as much out of my past as from my present situation. Reading here can be encouraging, but I often end up with this conviction that I don't truly love my spouse, and that is not his fault. I wish that i loved him. I would like to be the kind of person who is so patient and kind and wise. I will pray for God to show me how to love him properly, and to stop shutting him out because I am so zoned in on his faults. And tomorrow I'll read your post 6 more times and try not to run screaming out the door lol. Oh, man, i have some prideful stuff to root out. :)
"Actually, it's more of a
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Actually, it's more of a raging torrent of disconnected thoughts, leapfrogging all over the place. Seems like verbal mania to me. All of it revolves around him, almost like he is reciting aloud each move that he makes, alot of it focused on his eating habits"
Wow, I REALLY know this one. My husband is a VERY picky eater and spends endless hours talking about his eating....such as.... WHAT he's going to eat, or what he DID eat, or what he WANTS to eat. Funny thing is, the only thing he eats is plain MEAT. (bread, potatoes, French fries, lettuce with Italian dressing, cheese pizza, maybe 1 or 2 cereals, and that's about it) He eats no vegetables, very few fruits and NOTHING else. But, he TALKS about food like he's a head chef. And someone mentioned bodily functions as well, YEP, I hear that, but I'd just as soon NOT, on THAT issue. lol
I LOVE the terminology you spoke of......Stream of Consciousness. That perfectly describes my husband's daily speaking, when he's going on and on with a stream of random things, then will repeat them several dozen times over the course of the day or days. Repeat, over and over and over again......I guess he's reminding himself of what he's thinking or planning, but it CAN occasionally get frustrating to hear something repeated so MUCH. And, it ends up with him doing most of the talking and me doing the listening, especially in the CAR. I've sometimes felt trapped because I have no where to retreat to, when he's on a verbal "roll". He loves to talk in the car when he's got a captive audience, but he doesn't often "hear" ME, when I join into the conversation.
oh I feel your pain
Submitted by dvance on
My DH does the same thing. He makes these grandiose plans, no follow through. There's been starting a business-went nowhere, making lamps to sell at art fairs-bought all the supplies, never made a single one, selling antiques-they're all piled up in our apartment garage space-looks terrible, striping copper wire-coils are in our closet doing nothing. He's been unemployed since January, working TONS of side jobs. There were two possible leads on really good full time jobs. Nothing happened with either one because it turns out someone he used to work for is now in management at one of the companies and "she had it out for him" and the other never called back. It is truly exhausting to listen to all of the ideas knowing they are never going anywhere. I cannot even pretend to get excited or be supportive any more. DH gets upset when I don't have an excited enough reaction, but how can I after years of jibber jabber over nothing. At this point I just say "oh, that sounds good!! Let me know how it goes."
My advice is to be as neutral as possible. Polite smile, "sounds great honey, keep me posted" and leave it at that. Recite the alphabet in your head while he talks if you have to. You know whatever the idea of the day is, you know it will go away as soon as it appeared.
That's pretty much how I have
Submitted by redhead1017 on
That's pretty much how I have been handling it - just kind of "that's nice!" and move on. Trouble is he wants to talk about these things for hours, and then I get swept up in the "what if?" of it all, maybe thinking I don't have to work two jobs to make ends meet. But then the mood passes and he's on to the next big thing. Just this week, he's gone from Disney Imagineer to civil engineer to comic book store to insurance agent to product management. It's giving me whiplash! If I counted up the hundreds of thousands of ideas he's come up with in the last 22 years I'm sure I'd have enough to write a book.
Mine hates the area he works
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Mine hates the area he works in at work. He wants to move to another area and I have heard about how he wants to go back to his old area but he left there by his own volition because he couldn't get any OT and went back to the area he was previously at with the manager he couldn't get along with but said everything was better now, but of course within a few weeks it wasn't. He also wants to try and get into another area but nothing has come of that. Then 2 weeks ago he wanted to quit his job altogether and go work on the ferries, which would start him on call part time and it's $4000 just to get into the union. Of course nothing came of that. Then last week a friend was visiting and telling him about this one job and he thought he could do that. Sure it's a $20/hr cut in pay and you are on call 24 hours for a week at a time but in 5 or 6 years you'll be making money. Nothing came of that.
It is extremely frustrating to hear all these ideas and how he gets excited about them for 10 minutes and then they are never mentioned again. Another example is this whole pickling kick he's been on. I've been hearing for months about how when we have cukes that we are going to pickle them and how I (not him) but I need to find out how we do it. I have no desire to do this! We went and bought pickling jars and seasoning and utensils 2 weeks ago because he was all het up to do it that weekend. They still haven't been touched. I'm sure he will blame me for not getting it done because "they are just sitting there waiting for me to do it!"
Oh no--don't get sucked into
Submitted by dvance on
Oh no--don't get sucked into thinking ANYTHING will come of any of it--you know better. When DH is really on a roll, can you make some excuse like you have to go reboot the laundry/let the dog out/return a phone call/start dinner? Think of several reasons why you cannot listen to him for hours--maybe give yourself 15 minutes of passive listening so he doesn't feel totally ignored and then make something up. It is truly ridiculous and a total time-suck. Just like other posters here--my DH has had more possibilities for jobs than I can shake a stick at and nothing ever materializes. Last night it was the possibility of a three week demolition job in a suburb about 90 minutes from our house. I asked him if he would be better off staying out there during the week when he is doing the job (if it actually happens--the last project this guy mentioned to DH was 6 months ago and it never happened) and DH was completely shocked--why should he do that? It's not that long of a drive. Okay. Sounds good. NEXT...
same here
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Same here. The hours of endless planning and different "business ideas" that DH comes up with. But, in my case, it's not just for HIM, he plans out stuff for me and our daughters too, THEN he gets angry if we don't act on his great ideas, and yells at us for not "helping him". His expectations of us are unrealistic and causes him constant emotional pain, because he thinks we are purposely trying to "sabotage" his great ideas. It's mind boggling.
He blames his father for not sending him to Harvard, (he did get good grades) but Harvard? His father wasn't wealthy. he blames my parents for not putting him in the home security business (which he would be a millionaire right now) but he knows NOTHING about home security and is NOT a detail person, which home security needs to be. He's put endless energies into other business things that have all come up short, mainly because he's difficult to work with. (won't believe that) The past ten years have been spent on music for a movie, which has gone no where and we still haven't been paid for yet, but DH spend thousands on computer equipment to do this. It keeps on going, and these things never end. Can this type behavior be helped? What can WE do? Does anyone know?
awwww...the fruit of a life ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
If my wife speaks to me 10 times in one day, 6 or 7 will be requests for me to do something for her...The other 3 will be to tell me she loves me...lol...She and I was in a conversation the other day while traveling and something was said about how people live their lives etc...Anyway I made the statement if a person really wants to know what the fruit of their lives are...A good way to start is to just document the subject of everything they verbalize to others over a week or two period and that way they can learn lot about themselves...She got quiet...was that ugly? :(
double post
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
don't know how to delete this
Not ugly at all :)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Anyway I made the statement if a person really wants to know what the fruit of their lives are...A good way to start is to just document the subject of everything they verbalize to others over a week or two period and that way they can learn lot about themselves...She got quiet...was that ugly? :(
Not ugly, but hilarious!!! I am sure I would learn a lot from that exercise as well. If I focus on the wrong things, or am complaining, my husband just states it outright that there is an ongoing unpleasant pattern afoot. I sometimes wish my husband would be more diplomatic, but I don't always process it as important when he is, alas. He has actually pointed this fact out to me and it has taken many, many times of this same conversation for that truth about me to sink in. I want it to be different, and it has gotten a little better. However, sometimes he points out more patterns/flaws than I can reasonably handle, and so I have to tell him he is starting to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher to me ;) . I think he should focus on a top 3 list of annoyances. Too much criticism or too many complaints and I forget what the hell he wants or what's more important that what, anyway, if that makes sense. Usually, his complaints/criticisms are well-founded, and when they are not, I am learning to let him know why, or that HE is complaining/trying to fix me... He, for his part, is getting better at accepting what I say, even if he doesn't agree. This makes me more comfortable in standing up for myself.
It sounds like your wife was processing what you were saying. You were nice about it, but there is nothing wrong with giving her food for thought, as long as it is not too often, varied, or an intolerably long soliloquy ;) .
ADHDMomof2
Good advice I'll take it where were u 6 years ago ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
I've got my butt in trouble more than a few times for them soliloquies:)
Was in ADHD la-la land, couldn't have helped 6 years ago ;)
Submitted by ADHDMomof2 on
Ha-ha :). I think that is the natural human response. Not listening? I will talk at you MORE ;) !!! It's just that, after a certain point, our ADHD brain shuts down and it's just white noise. Other times, it's total sensory overwhelm, and we'll say ANYTHING, be it start a fight, agree to ANYTHING without fully processing it, just to END THE CONVERSATION.
Now that I see it in writing, snapping and starting a fight seems counterproductive to my goal of ending a conversation. It just prolongs the agony ;) Wow. I really need to stop doing that. I respond to one of my pet peeves of my husband...by compounding it. Epiphany. Hope I remember this when it would be helpful to me :)!
Are you sure your not my wife;)
Submitted by c ur self on
It's just that, after a certain point, our ADHD brain shuts down and it's just white noise. Other times, it's total sensory overwhelm, and we'll say ANYTHING, be it start a fight, agree to ANYTHING without fully processing it, just to END THE CONVERSATION. I use to push past this point because I was so hard headed...Not Good!..You can get your feelings hurt...
My spouse is the same way. 8
Submitted by copingSAH on
My spouse is the same way. 8 out of 10 times he needs me to do/find/fetch something for him and his reason is that it is important. But gosh forbid I ask him to help me fill out complicated medical or school forms, he never has any time... when I call him on it, he always tells me I can handle it on my own. It feels very double standard to me. The other times, he's doing nice things for me and the kids, so there's a bit of Jekyll & Hyde that's unpredictable/impulsive.
I notice he will talk nonstop while driving in the car, and he has this unusual habit of flapping his arms. But as soon as I videotape, he stops talking, becomes quiet and still. So, I have to believe that he is aware of what he's been doing and that it's a bit out of control. It's obvious it's something that he CAN control somewhat, and he is not comfortable with letting other people (third party, medical professional) see any of it except his wife and kids.
I would say something along the same vein (as yourself) however I don't get that vibe that my spouse and I are ever in sync, simply because he never feeds back to me or talks about something completely unrelated as soon as he knows I've finished on my last word...
hi coping :)
Submitted by c ur self on
That's what my wife use to do and still does sometimes...esp. when I start getting long winded, which is most of the time...The counselor proved to me I was loosing her and she was to proud, to just say it...So she would just get quiet, get ugly, or start talking about something unrelated...Its amazing what a lack of communication can cause.
That was awesome
Submitted by dedelight4 on
c ur self, I love your post, it was awesome. It certainly makes one think.:) " if a person really wants to know what the fruit of their lives are...A good way to start is to just document the subject of everything they verbalize to others over a week or two period and that way they can learn lot about themselves...She got quiet...was that ugly? "
What you posted is quite profound. I'm going to write it down and post it on my refrigerator. thanks a bunch
hi dede...
Submitted by c ur self on
lol...I don't know if its refrigerator material...it takes something special to rate up there with the grandkids drawings and photo's...I just love the encouragement and in site I get here...there to just to many people in pain here and to many broken hearts...We all have to learn how to be thankful and live with each other in and understanding manner.
Too much fantasy
Submitted by Shell10 on
I wish I knew because this guy can talk about the next best thing for hours. I end up making some excuse just to get away from fantasyland. I have listened to Sooo many plans /ideas that are just wind in the sails. Now he's starting to tell ME what should be my, Next Best Thing. Back up babe, get Your side together and Stop trying to control mine. Ugh!