I am just curious if anyone can offer suggestions on how to handle weekends in your adhd marriage. I have never been fond of weekends because it is so much unstructured time. My ADHD husband works 60 to 80 hours a week and likes to decompress on the weekends. We have two young children and I like to plan family time/activities into our weekend. My husband is fine with that and enjoys our family time. We both like to have some individual down time as well. Our issues/fights occur when I ask him to give me a sense of when he will cut the grass or projects around the house. I am not trying to micro manage him, but it is good to know when he plans to do these tasks so that we can plan other things accordingly.
I know weekends are supposed to be pleasurable, but for they tend to be stressful because I feel like they can be a black hole if we don't have anything planned. This worked ok when we were younger and without kids, but I find it is no longer effective now that we have a family.
Weekends
Submitted by Gladiola on
Eek.... I used to dread weekends, and I stopped including my hubby in weekend plans at all pre-diagnosis. He would sit on the couch and watch tv all weekend while I cleaned and managed children without him (while shooting him death stares, mopping the floor under his feet).
Post diagnosis- most weekends I put together a plan and objective both fun things and chores. I let him pick the chores he wants and give him all weekend to accomplish and put the fun things on a general outline (we will do x Saturday AM and y Sunday afternoon). Then I put it in his phone with reminders and the chores he's agreed to do with a timer. Half the time it gets done, the other half it doesn't. I remind him of it and hire it out using his budget money. Works for us for now. I write it all done so it doesn't get forgotten if we need to discuss it later.
Thanks!
Submitted by Suda on
Thanks Gladiola. You replied to another one of my posts - seems like we have similar issues. I pretty much do the same thing except that I want him to give me a timeframe of when he will do his chores. For example, if he said I plan to do chore A on Saturday afternoon, then I would be over the moon! he never does though. Like you said the fun things generally dictate the rest of the weekend and whether or not he gets to the chores is a big question mark. I just find it so draining to go through this exercise every weekend.
Question for you, when you plan fun things, do you have to do everything to get ready for it? I have just resigned myself that my husband only need worry about getting himself ready. I have to take care of all the details such as myself, kids, bringing food, making sure the car has gas, getting directions/tickets etc. I just have finally resigned myself to the fact that this is the way it is. I have learned to look at the bright side and took notice that when we get to our fun activity, my husband is very engaged with the kids. He is definitely a "in the moment" type of guy. Good thing because I am usually drained from everything I did to get us there in the first place :) Just curious if you have similar experience with weekend activities.
At first yes. We have several
Submitted by Gladiola on
At first yes. We have several things working to our (my) advantage. His therapist holds him accountable to being engaged with the family, like outings and she talks to him about it frequently. Fair warning though- he's not planned a one. So.... We do what I want to do and he can come or not. I am type - a anyway so I plan everything to the nth degree (Disneyland is planned to the minute) and it flows beautifully usually. I ask him to do things as I'm getting ready but I pack everyone plan everything ahead of time and usually get the kids ready. Since it's places I want to go though, I don't mind. I also plan time for me to get out of the house and away every other weekend. As time goes by and he's becoming a part of the family he's more active and involved in the planning. We go to movies I want to see and BBQs at my friends house doing staycationa at places with big pools that will occupy the kids. Anything to make my life easier. He's mentioned wanting to go camping and fishing but bc I'm not into either of those activities, they don't happen. Oh well. :-)
As far as when the chores get done.... The big things I just give him a timeline since he never got it done when he said any way and it wasn't worth stressing about. He doesn't get done in two weeks (like a sprinkler project for example) I contract it out and take it out of his spending money for the next month.
A nightly workout program (we do crossfit) was something we started right before he was diagnosed that was a long hard battle every single night for 2 weeks. I had read physical activity helps a lot and I wanted to do something with him. I am so glad I stuck to my guns on that. After our endorphin hit is when we discuss tough topics and plan. Everything is tanked until then.
Thanks again for your reply.
Submitted by Suda on
Thanks again for your reply. Your planning seems very similar to what I do as well. He likes to camp and plans one trip a year with him and the kids - not my thing. He spent so much money on supplies for his first camping trip that it caused a huge fight. Over the years, I have learned to let stuff go and just enjoy the fact that he is planning something. I like your idea to plan vacations/staycations that make my life easier. I wish I could get him to work out more, but we both enjoy a glass of wine once the kids go to bed which kills all working out. I am a total Type A personality too and get up religiously every morning by 5:45 or 6am to workout before the kids wake. I know that he will never get up early to work out especially since he goes to bed so late. He is rarely home during the week, but wonder if we could somehow work out together on the weekends. i think that could be good for us - just got to find a creative way to find a way to work out together. he used to do martial arts, but quit after his black belt. that is not my thing, but maybe there is something we could do together that is strenuous but also has some excitement too.
Excercise
Submitted by Gladiola on
It's funny, I hadn't thought about it before but my hubbies ADD diagnosis kind of turned us both into health nuts.
We do crossfit, it's amazing for us bc it's constantly different, he's turned out to be really good at it and we've made friends in our class. It's the perfect thing for US. Super strenuous. He was actually hooked after my initial hell of dragging him there kicking and screaming for two weeks. The mixture of weightlifting, gymnastics and cardio keeps him going. This is what works for us, but I remember from the book that Melissa and her husband rides bikes, I've also seen some posts about tennis. I think there's a good fit for everyone :-).
WaI sincerely hope he stays interested for a longtime because it has been so beneficial for us since we bond when we do it and champion and cheer each other on. It helps me cope and gives me endorphins. It focuses him and burns excess energy. The happy post workout glow is a great time to discuss hot topics and he RETAINS it too (balloons, confetti cartwheels!). To us it is equally as important as his therapy, his medication and us setting boundaries. I am such a huge advocate of sweating together now, lol. I hope you can find something and someway if its something you are both interested. It also boosted his confidence a lot and gave him something to feel good about.
I have a similar problem with
Submitted by soconfused on
I have a similar problem with my husband, who has not been diagnosed but has a lot of ADHD tendencies. He only works about 20 hours a week though (I work full time), and has plenty of time alone at home during the week to get things done around the house. Somehow it still seems to me like I end up doing most of the housework on the weekends, and that I can't ask him to help me without him getting resentful and pushing my requests away like they're unreasonable. I have a hard time relaxing on the weekends until after the house has been cleaned and the week's messes picked up, so I usually make it a priority to do this early on (nothing major, just your routine weekly cleaning chores). Saturday or Sunday morning will roll around and I'll be cleaning/tidying and he'll be sitting on the couch "relaxing". He doesn't offer to help me and his attitude is always that it's his time to relax and he shouldn't be expected to do anything when he doesn't feel like it. He even seems to be annoyed that I'm cleaning in front of him. I would really love it if we could spend an hour every weekend cleaning together, but it just seems out of the question to ask him to do that.
He considers relaxing in the evenings and on the weekends to be his highest priority, almost like a god-given right, and it's sacrilegious to expect him to prioritize anything above that. Every night is spent relaxing on the couch, watching movies/TV/using the computer, and it seems that only certain times during the day, when I'm not around, are considered suitable for doing chores around the house. It doesn't matter how dirty things are, he won't deal with them unless he feels like it, on his own schedule, and any expectation I have that he should do it for the sake of getting it done, or to help me out, is seen as too demanding. So yes, weekends are hard. I've more or less given up on changing his attitude and have pretty much resigned myself to the idea that if I want something done, I have to do it myself. But I silently resent him for it and it's just one of the little things that slowly eats away at me.
Weekends suck. Always have.
Submitted by dvance on
Weekends suck. Always have. Now that my kids are 15 and 13 it's better because they are out with their friends or the older one is working, but still--weekends are hell. Nothing I needed to do ever got done, no project I ever hoped DH would do EVER got done. The two days would go by and I would have no earthly idea what we had done OR I had made some plans for us and had to do everything to make them happen--get the tickets, pack the snacks, get everyone corralled. By the time we got wherever, I didn't want to go any more. Now, DH works from 6am-10pm pretty much every day. If he works on Saturdays and Sundays too, that's actually better--I do better alone. If DH is home, he's so tired and spent that he does nothing. OR he is on this bizarre high that he is like living with a constant comedy routine all the time. If he is exhausted, he will sit in his chair and watch I don't know what on his iPad with headphones while I do everything. I work full time too by the way. He will literally watch me do stuff and not offer or get up. OR he is playing endless rounds of cards or dice with the younger son who just eats it up and which the older one thinks is just weird and so retreats to his room. Whatever mood DH is in, it's so much more stressful with him around. I like it better when he works. Even as I type this, I am getting worked up about tomorrow and Monday--he's off both days for Labor Day. Oh boy. I just started teaching again last Monday and so I have a LOT to do. Today, Saturday, DH worked and I slept until almost 11am, then went out with a girlfriend for pedicures and a snack, then made dinner, cleaned the house, ran to Target, cleaned up from dinner...and now it's 11pm and I am up doing this and watching a movie. So that was a fine day. DH went to bed an hour ago. So Sunday and Monday, I have to get stuff done for the week ahead but it will be so weird and tense I won't be all that productive and won't THAT be a good way to start the week.
I hate weekends. Way too stressful. I hate going back to work on Monday and everyone talks about either the fun things they did or the relaxing they did and I feel like crap. Mostly I say the weekend was fine, nothing special. What would I say?? My ADHD husband being home is actually a bad weekend for me? it's better when he works? how sad is that?
This struck a chord with me
Submitted by Standing on
For years, I have felt that my expectations must have been too high, that I had no right to be so disappointed, that if I went out of my way to use my weekend to prepare meals and to clean and to set an industrious example, surely he would be inspired. Hah. Now i just take care of myself and try not to get aggravated by him. That lone is a full time job, especially after working all week together.
It is like having a perpetual house guest whose emotional needs require that you continually respond to him as though he's an honored dignitary, there for a brief visit. He knows it's not "right", he blames me for his inability to make it right, he feels guilty, momentarily, and stirs up the supreme effort to wash one load of dishes, then retreats back into his self-preoccupation. Lovely.
My husband went away for the
Submitted by soconfused on
My husband went away for the long weekend and I made the deliberate decision to stay home so I could have some time to myself. So far it's been wonderful and I feel very calm, productive, and in-control. It really is sad that a weekend without the husband around is such a refreshing experience.
Sadly I cannot offer
Submitted by dweeb on
Sadly I cannot offer suggestions! I just want to relate to your post. I dread the weekends, which is unfortunate since I adore spending time with my little girl.
Generally, I find my husband takes this time to follow me around, argue with me (write down what you want me to do......STOP writing things down like I'm a child%?!?%?!), and leaving a small torado after himself.
It's so exhausting. My coworkers keep telling me to take holidays (my husband works overnights), but I can't stand the thought of spending all that time with him, since he wouldn't be sleeping.
Also, I do support and help my husband, but part of me resents how much I need to help him, or how much he guilts me into not helping him.