How do you know when it's time to give up on your marriage?

 My husband has ADHD, we've been married for 19 years.  We didn't know he had ADHD until we were in our late 20's and we're now 42. I have stayed with him although he has cheated on me three times (one being with my now sister in law).   He has not been able to keep a job more than a year for over 10 years and because of this we are now in bankruptcy.  I've kept us in this house as long as I can, I've exhausted all of my savings and 401k.  I've given up on what was once our beautiful house.   I tried for 11 years to keep it clean and beautiful as a source of pride for our family.  We have two children, 13 and 8 who ar a constant challenge to keep up with and I get no consistent parenting teamwork from my husband when trying to lead by example.   Two years ago was the final straw.  My husband was unemployed and supposed to be looking for a job, while I was working a full time job, cooking, cleaning, managing our finances and the children's activities.   I discovered my husband having an online affair with a woman and discussing plans to meet her when she came in town for her daughter's gymnastics appointments.  At that point I had my fill and told him I want a divorce.  He talked me into trying to work things out and my condition was that he get therapy, as we had already been to marriage counseling that had not changed anything.  During this time i I basically had a nervous breakdown.  I constantly shake now and suffer frim severe depression. Two years later our house looks like a disaster zone, I'm so depressed I can't get out of bed some days, he still has not gone to counseling, has had two jobs and I feel so trapped and alone.  Even if I do get a divorce I don't know if I can get an apartment because our credit is so bad.  I have thought of suicide so many times but will not do that to my children.  I have lost every hope and dream of what I wanted from my life and he has broken every promise and vow  he made to me before and after our marriage.  I feel like I'm shell of the person I once was and the mother and woman I wanted to be. I love him so much, but sometimes love isn't enough and it is now affecting our children's lives.  I don't know what to do!!

Wow..I am so sorry. Your

Wow..I am so sorry. Your story is heartbreaking. I've been married to my ADHD husband for 14 years. I've been through depression, affairs, impulsive spending, trying to hold everything together, feeling like I was holding nothing together, etc. just like you. I developed high blood pressure, hypoglycemia, and severe anxiety. The roller coaster is as up and down, up and down as it gets in our marriage.

Then, I had a breakthrough and literally just hit rock bottom. It had been coming for months, and a few days of anxiety (over him ignoring me and me thinking he was cheating) was enough to really piss me off and ask myself why I was letting this person, who has an UNTREATED and OUT OF CONTROL disorder, affect me like this. When I hit bottom my main focus was "what can I do to fix ME so that I do not react this way to his disorder and let it drag me around by the hair anymore?" I just simply wanted to be stronger and FAR less affected by him. I had heard Dr. Phil (who I RARELY watch, but I suppose it was another one of those 'God-sends') say "until you can make a decision about your marriage without any anger and without all of the emotions then you cannot know you're making the right decision. When YOU heal, then you will know what to do" (something to that effect). Everything culminated into a very determined woman. I am motivated, for the first time in my adult life, to focus on ME. You are broken. You are beaten down. You are being dragged around by your hair by his ADHD. You have no identity aside from 'wife of someone with ADHD'. You have held things together for so long for so many that you don't even have a clue how to hold yourself together. I always recommend the book by Melodie Beattie called CoDependent No More. It is a true necessity for those like you and I, who become so obsessed with fixing our spouses that we become unable to function outside of the chaos. We become unable to function period. I have put ADHD off of the table. I am trying my best to manage the symptoms that directly affect the family (overspending, mostly) as best I can, and the rest is UP TO HIM to deal with. He knows he has it, he knows how his behaviors affect our marriage and family, and I am not going to remind him anymore. Your husband knows too. They know. Let them alone to deal with it 100% on their own, manage the things that are life or death, and let the rest GO and get yourself into some heavy duty therapy to get the weight of the world off of you so you can breathe, relax, and just simply feel joy again. Once you're in a better place, then you can decide how to proceed with your marriage.

I was terrifed that when I detached and just let him go about his business however he saw fit that he would 'run with it'. To some degree, he has. We haven't had a fight in almost 2 months, which is a MIRACLE, but it is obvious (drinking, self medicating, not going into work) that he isn't doing very well otherwise. He'll either continue in that vein until I get strong enough to say "enough" or he'll hit his own personal rock bottom and want a better life. I have resigned myself fully to accept either outcome. Letting go and letting him deal on his own and you taking care of you sounds like it is vital to your survival at this point.

I will second what Sherri has

I will second what Sherri has said above.  I am in a similiar situation and until I let go and stopped trying to be the "fixer" and started to take care of myself, I was a total basketcase.  It has been life changing for me, as well.