HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S TIME TO LEAVE?

If this resonates with anyone - do what you HAVE to do, for YOU.  I started to write this as a realization for myself.  (But, that was BEFORE the argument earlier this month, a couple of days before my birthday!  I'll tell more about that in a moment):

I expected ...
A husband who respected and protected me. Provided for me. Cherished and loved me.  
A friend who wanted to spend time with me and who enjoyed my company.
A partner that would, without thinking, always put my needs above the needs of other's.
A caring lover who was faithful and wanted only me. No other's. No Lover's.
I thought that's what marriage was.
I imagined ...
Roads we'd travel, journey's we'd share, the lifetime together we'd enjoy - All hand-in-hand.
A home full of laughter and love. The spontaneous silly you! The dances. The songs.
(Your oh so quick wit.  I used to LOVE you making me laugh).
I imagined reciprocation:  respect, love, support, caring, sharing.
I never imagined they'd not be reciprocated or that you'd be kinder to a complete stranger.
I thought ...
You'd always have respect & true appreciation for my honesty, faithfulness, integrity.
My kindness, selflessness, intelligence and many skills that make me special.
Yes, I thought you'd show gratitude - on occasion.
No, I never thought I'd be the door mat under your feet. 
I hoped ...
That the twinkle in your eyes for me, would never diminish and you'd always be kind. 
That you would always want to make me happy and would never enjoy making me cry.
That you'd never do anything to physically harm me and would hurt anyone who did.
That you would be honest with me and about me, always. I was wrong.
My reality ...
On any given day I might get your anger or your cold shoulder.
Your intensity or your scarcity. Your silence or your loudness.
Your spiteful & hateful tongue. Your name calling & contempt.
Your disrespect and bullying. Your narcissistic one-way-street.
On a bad day; Despicably.  Verbally, emotionally, physically.

(And you say that I've changed - that I'm not the woman that you married anymore?!)

My future - alone ...
For a while - but I'll not be lonely.  Alone - I will find solace and healing.
The weight I've gained (because I sought comfort in food) - I'll lose.
The friends and family that I distanced myself (and the negativity) from - I'll gain back.
The financial stress and disastrous lack of control in my own destiny - I will control.
The disorder, disorganization, mess and clutter - will be gone.
The low self-esteem, worthlessness, ugliness and inadequacies that I feel - will be replaced.
Instead, I'll be content, confident and caring in a world I'll chose to fill with positive things:
Joy, love, happiness, laughter to name but a few.
I'll be 100% ME again - like the me that you fell in love with.
I'll find the good in life again. My soul will be revived.
And that is my future - alone - for a while.

So, the argument was over something we'd previously agreed upon - but he claimed he had not.  

This resulted in me being held captive in my bedroom / bathroom for over an hour and a half.  

Watching as he took the bathroom door off it's hinges. Listening to how he'd happily kill me and go to jail.  

This concluded while I brushed my teeth over the bathroom vanity as he stands in the doorway behind me.  

I didn't see it coming, at all!

Him lunging and putting his hands tightly around my neck and squeezing.  (At 6'3" he has HUGE hands. At 5'5" I don't have any hope)

Inside, I recall smirking slightly at his amateur dramatics - although I was shocked and horrified.

I only realized how tightly my neck was squeezed in his hands when I needed air and couldn't get any.

He'll stop any second.  I know he will.  Please, please stop.  He wasn't going to.

My first thought was that I didn't want my Mum (who I've not seen for 5 years, bless her) to hear how her baby was left dead in the bathroom,

killed by her husband (and as I type this, it makes me cry).

My second thought, ridiculously so, was how I didn't want to hurt him but I had no choice.

I still had the toothbrush in my hand, so aim it randomly over the top of my head, hopefully into his face or neck.

He moaned "Ow, you b-tch" and let go.  Within the hour, as if nothing had happened, he said "Come on, let's go ...."

and do the thing he said he never agreed to in the first place - but had.  Always, always, always - I give in.  On this occasion,

as I should have done many times before, I stuck to my guns.  That's ALL I did.

When he calmly said that, I screamed and cried and shouted "You've backed me into a f'ing corner and now you've left me no where to go.

 There's only one thing I can do now" and I left the room.  

Two days later while driving, I realized my head hurt as I leaned it against the head-rest of the car.  I felt the back of my head and could

feel a bulge between the top of my neck and the base of my skull.  It hurt, it must be bruised and swollen - but from what?  He didn't bang my head against anything.  Did he?  Maybe he did.

No, I'd remember that.  I was perturbed, until it clicked.  Standing behind me, the fingers on each hand met at the front of my neck and the thumbs of each

hand pushed in at the base of my skull as he squeezed.  How could you exert so much pressure?  Why would you want to hurt me that badly?

He's heard I'm leaving him before.  I know I've cried wolf.  But he doesn't know that this time - I WILL be leaving.

 

 

Oh my after that I hope

Oh my after that I hope you leave... please leave. I first read the first part of your message and I related so much that I copied it. Its sums up my experience so well. Thank you for that. But my husband is not abusive to me phycially. I just am not good enough anymore for him no matter how hard I try. Unless i leave him then he begs me back.. I love you .. you are my soul mate.. blah blah and on and on and I fall for it everytime. I find myself now wishing I was those happy women I see shopping and holding hands with their husbands.. why did this happen to me.. whey did others not stay with him? I should have known???? .

Stay with it

Please don't go back to him. All the things you said? Print them off and read them over and over. Write down all the things he's done to crush your spirit, and keep it with you to refer to. You don't deserve this kind of treatment, no matter what kind of a person he has remade you into. And you can get back that innocent person you once were. Think of all the possibilities for getting help. Relatives? Friends? Churches? Shelters? Some may let you down, but just keep pushing. Pray. But use the hurt, anger, pain you feel right now to propel you past needing to go back to him. Sometimes you will feel like you just have to find someone who will understand -- and surprisingly, you may feel like you want to talk to him because he HAS been there for you at some time in your life.

My ex was verbally abusive. He took my clothes and wouldn't let me out of our bedroom for hours. Wouldn't let me go to sleep. Broke things. Terrified me. Held me down and yelled in my face. When I finally started ignoring his rants and telling others what he was doing, talking to counselors, etc., he slugged me one day -- right in the face, twice, out of the blue. I moved 2000 miles away. He went to counseling for anger management. Eight months later, I went back. He learned not to hit, but he did not learn honesty, integrity, empathy, how to share, or any of the other traits you say you wanted so badly in your marriage. He learned how to dupe the counselors, how to complain about me in more psychological terms, how to use silence and passive aggressiveness instead of violence, and a host of other behaviors that were not loving and not much better than the physical abuse.

No woman should have to put up with that. When you are hurting, do whatever you have to to get past the moment. The pain WILL pass!  A doctor can give you something to dull the pain if you don't think you can take it. Realize that the man you thought you married never really existed and never will exist in that person. He was a fake, and he doesn't really exist. Don't call him, don't think about him, don't have any contact. I know you can do it -- you've made a good start. If you go back, eventually, if you survive, you will come back to this point. So you might as well carry through now -- and get started on a better life.

I'm praying for you.

that's exactly what I wanted..

wisconsinwife,  

Yes, yes, it resonates with me big time. Kudos to you for putting what we (partners of ADHDers) all wanted in marriage into words so touchingly yet precisely. This is EXACTLY how I feel right at the moment. I will need to print this out myself and reread it over and over whenever I lose myself from pain and anger for my failed marriage. I hope you do the same. Whenever you forget how painful it was, remind yourself with what you have wrote. That's what I am going to do. 

I am about to file a divorce from my ADHD husband. Even if I am about to end it, I just cannot forgive him for what he has done to our marriage and to me. I just cannot forgive him for making me desperately end our marriage only after 1 year. I know he did not choose to have ADHD. But he could have CHOSEN to let me know about his diagnosis when we were dating, and given me an option for me to prepare myself for what I was about to go through or to escape from all this before getting in.  

I am in my late 30s and this is my first marriage. And this marriage is about to end after a year. I thought I waited all this time for this man to come along. All I wanted was a life-long partner with a warm heart. As lynnie70 said -- "the man you thought you married never really existed and never will exist in that person. He was a fake, and he doesn't really exist". I guess this "warm-hearted person with adoring eyes for me" never existed and never will exist. I know I should realize it, but it is just hard. and that's why I am so angry. I have this huge anger, against my husband, for not being the person he once was, and against myself, for mistakenly dreaming this fake person to be real.  

Now that we are talking about how to proceed with divorce, he says he is ACCEPTING my pain and anger, so he UNDERSTANDS my decision to leave this. He even says that I have to just "let go" of this anger because I won't become happy as "a wound-up hard ball" (this is his description of me right now). How convenient is that he can stay cool and emotionally stable at the verge of divorce thanks to his inability to empathetic? I wish I can pick up his ADHD temporarily to desensitize my heart until I can completely move on. He seems already moved on. It upsets me even more that I will mourn and stay traumatized from our failed marriage for a long time whereas he will not suffer even 1/100 of my pain and sadness.  

I am choosing to leave him because I have been so hurt and angry. But I am not happy at all to end this. I will be even more bitter and upset BECAUSE my marriage had to be ended. and I will be even more furious that he will not be affected by this as much I will be. After all, is it all my fault to feel this way? Am I CHOOSING to stay angry and hate him for the failure because I need someone to blame? Did I turn into a permanent angry person that I just cannot ever let things go? Will I be able to move on and become happy again? 

Time To Leave?

Well, there's no physical abuse in my relationship, minus that incidental time I happened to be standing behind him, in which he had no idea, n he threw an ironing board which solidly nailed me.

Everything else else sounds pretty much spot on n par for the course in my experience.

I actually began to wonder if there was something wrong with me mentally for loving a man who treated me like that to be honest.

Partnership is nonexistent. Oddly, though my first marriage ended in divorce, it was still not as perplexing as this. I was married for over 9 years the first time. At least I had a clue what that man was thinking, even at points of not liking it.

Respect itself requires some level of ability of empathy in my opinion. My husband's lack of empathy has been extremely hard to fathom at all. Protection from outside forces requires awareness of things going on. Never had any luck with him consistently having a clue about my life. His is always first n foremost. My agony is is something he has no part in recognizing. Doesn't actually matter how much I sacrifice.

The friendship thing I can relate to. Friendship cannot take place when compulsive lying exists. Just no way around that one. I have even asked if something in childhood happened to prevent being close to someone.

The lack of ability to handle even the minor frustrations of an adult relationship certainly plays a part IMO.

All that negative comes from an inability to actually relate on an adult level as far as I can tell.

Only gonna be treated positively if he's been in a good mood that day. I've learned this. Can be super bad at times. Might actually mean he refuses to talk to me for weeks on end unless it is about getting his needs met, ie... "What's for dinner?" or ""Is my shirt clean?'

Yeah the future may appear difficult, but really, ask yourself...

Is it worse?

Just sayin'...

nail on the head

bilf, I think your observation is so eloquent and just right on the money. "Respect itself requires some level of ability of empathy in my opinion. My husband's lack of empathy has been extremely hard to fathom at all. Protection from outside forces requires awareness of things going on. Never had any luck with him consistently having a clue about my life. His is always first n foremost. My agony is is something he has no part in recognizing. Doesn't actually matter how much I sacrifice."

Just catching up, on a Saturday, which isn't going very well, and realizing that weekends and holidays tend to be the worst for my relationship with my ADHD husband. It must be the lack of structure, and the fact that if I don't move, initiate things, get everything together, make a plan, and buy the food, then we would all lie around the house all day, children playing video games or reading, me cleaning and doing chores, and him doing whatever he feels like doing that day, maybe working on his car, maybe floating. After over a decade, with two children, I just don't think I can do this any more. I am in my early 40's and feel like I am 80. 

I have tried, honestly, tried. Begged for counseling, begged him to read the book, begged him to talk, gave him a list of just three, just three things that I need, and invited him to do the same with me. I have taken care of him when he is really sick, I have done taxes, paid bills, shopped, cooked, cleaned, planned just about everything, been the only contact at our children's school, remembered all the birthdays and holidays, arranged for the grass to be cut. He has tried medication. Right now he stays in his own room. He has apnea problems and snores so loud I moved into the second bedroom years ago. He won't do as the doctor suggested and get a device or try other solutions. His room is so dirty and messy that is smells. I have to shut the door when anyone is in our house because it looks like something from one of the reality shows like "hoarder." He just drops his clothes on the floor and wouldn't clean a toilet if his life depended on it. I could go on and on. Sure, he does things. Things he feels like doing, when he feels like it, and that is it. He is talented and smart, but can't do anything for work until the very last minute, and can't finish things very often. Currently I am stuck with a half-demolished kitchen and bare drywall, and I will have to somehow figure out how to hire people to finish it up.  I haven't had help in the morning with our children in 8 years. He just can't or won't get up, no matter what, and sleeps until 11 each day. Or at bedtime unless I ask a few times..could you please help give them a bath? 

You know, though, I think I could deal just fine with this if I had a partner who was kind, respectful, supportive, fairly emotionally stable, treated me nicely, and could show me some freaking empathy. He hyperfocused on me when we met and I was amazed that someone could love me so much. But as someone else mentioned, this person, this great guy who shows me affection, is attentive, who pitches in, and is active....he doesn't exist.

How did I get here? He is a good person, he loves our children, he knows right from wrong, he wants to make money and do well, but I realize as I write this that my pain over the years comes from someone who cannot show me the least bit of empathy, or see how his behavior affects me, or others, pretty much ever. And when I try to discuss it, becomes defensive and angry. And now that it is affecting my children, I think I need to just cut my losses and take care of myself and them by separating. 

Mine just doesn't seem to be moved or affected by how sad and heartbroken I am, even if I tell him or write it down. I get defensiveness and deflection. For the longest time, he blamed me--I was a terrible person, selfish, and angry all the time. And I believed him. But today? Sure, I know I am not perfect, but actually, I have a lot of friends, and a close family, and am popular and well-regarded at work, and realize that there is something wrong with me that I would exist in a relationship like this and not realize that I deserve better. 

I do think that there is something missing there with him--who could not be moved to respond or apologize when his wife says, "I am so sad that you chose to call me that demeaning name when you were angry. I am so hurt." All I get is why I deserved it, or what led up to it, or some mention of something I did that was just as bad, first. Sure, he must feel defensive, sure he must have had some perceived slight or reason to say this, but I don't get what it is. There is, indeed, just some inability to relate on an adult, or empathetic level. 

In conversations, meetings, etc., he talks so much, goes so on and on, usually relating everything back to himself, and how much he knows, even if we are talking to our child's teacher. I used to excuse it and blame it on the ADHD or some low self-esteem he must have, but now...I just don't want to be trapped at another school meeting with someone who makes everyone else uncomfortable by hijacking ninety percent of the conversation. I try, I try...asking gently before we go in that if I raise my finger or use a certain word, if I can say something or he can take a breath and let the teacher talk. He just gets mad. 

Mine also is one who blurts out things without editing and just does not seem able to understand the effect he may have on others--he told me in front of my mother once, who is this proper southern lady and was horrified, that there was gross blood in the toilet. She was staying with us in our home, and helping me days after a birth, and I was still bleeding and must have left it without flushing. I was pretty sleep deprived. And when he says things like this, there is no voice inflection or politeness to the statement. He just blurts. And like always, I tried to smooth it over and make excuses for him. And when I tried, very gently, to explain to him that he offended my mom, well, as always, the fault is hers, not his. She doesn't have a sense of humor. He didn't mean anything by it, it was the truth. No empathy or consideration of how she must feel. My mother thinks he is just rude and cannot understand why I married him. So I have tried to do the work, I try to understand why he blurts, I try to bring my half, or two-thirds, to the table, and you know what? I just don't think anyone should have to work this hard in a relationship. I see those couples, too, walking their dog or at the store, at ease, and emotionally TOGETHER, and I realize that I am all alone. 

How can you just move on, and be ok after years of this? I have found myself moved to such anger, and this is not me. I am sad and angry all the time, except I try to hide it from others, including my babies. I used to be a fun-loving person who laughed really hard at juvenile humor and dressing up on Halloween. So yes, the aftermath is going to be awful. I won't have any money, I won't be able to sell our house, I'll be vilified by his family for leaving him when he is sick, our children will suffer, I will be scarred, I will worry about him, and I know he will tell everyone he sees what a horrible person I am. I moved to this city that I don't even like very much to marry him. But, the alternative is to stay, when I see no chance that things will be different, and risk my children being emotionally harmed, and perhaps wait until my children grow up, lose another decade of my life in a loveless marriage, and then move on, a dried husk of the happy woman I used to be. I don't think so. 

Re: Nail On The Head

Yup, weekends, holiday, vacations.... the normal times couples experience, "a break," from life's worries actually increases the relationship issues in my experience.

I completely can relate to the fact of my husband's, "relaxation," is exhausting for me. I can cook, clean, shop n do it all without a notice. It's often like being the mother of an adult. So weird. It's like he expects being catered to like a kid.

Oh, I begged for counseling too. Heard all the excuses. Later the excuses were denied. The normal marriage counseling made things even worse. Yup, reading a book? Nope, not happening. Even if he says he will, just doesn't happen. Still hasn't read the book to help the boy with add, so I won't be getting my expectations up here. It does make you question sanity.

I think one thing that made me realize he just doesn't, "Get it," was when he haphazardly mentioned he doesn't take his normal medication does on weekends. He knows people have gotten divorced over that approach. He's not stupid. It just accentuates the empathy issue.

The sleep disturbance thing is major, for sure. Even if you discount the snoring issue, which let's be clear, the reality is my husband would never tolerate what is entailed in a CPAP machine, the mere fact that his alarm goes off for hours with complete disregard for others and wakes up the entire house, minus him, daily causes some major issues.

I learned many years ago that though I clean up a million disasters on his end, that say if I'm exhausted n fall asleep without folding the last two pieces of laundry on our bed, he'll throw them on the floor without a thought. It does feel like a giant, "WOW!," when you're stuck with anything domestic, for sure.

N, yes, I could tolerate a lot, too, if there were even a slight consistent return. That just probably isn't gonna happen here.

Empathy just isn't gonna happen here. I think it's a normal thing to become perplexed when you realize this. It seems extremely bizarre, quite frankly, realizing that in practical communication your spouse views you as the enemy n has no ability for a back n forth interaction.

The monologue thing is a very weird issue especially when you get accused of interupting. I've never found a solution for this, nor does my husband seem interested... Enter blaming n deflection.

The blurting this is admittedly a social nightmare. I gave up on having couples friendships over five years ago over this issue. It's extremely embarrassing beyond any personal grief it causes.

There is just no such thing as you having a bad day in this situation. Only the spouses needs matter. Certainly not the way a normal marriage works.

I, too, found myself extremely angry, some version of myself I didn't recognize.

I hadta start learning to take care of me again.

Though these situations suck, it's comforting to realize we're not alone, though you'd never wish it on anyone else...

Something is missing here too...

lynn

I feel so much of this, too--weekends and holidays for us are awful. DH doesn't take his meds on weekends, so he often sleeps the entire day(s) until nighttime, when we try to do something--sometimes dinner with friends or just getting together at someone's house. Meanwhile, I'm taking care of the dogs, going grocery shopping, spending time with friends or my sister, going to the gym...on the one hand, I would like to spend time with him, maybe take the dogs on a hike together, but on the other hand, it's just easier to spend that time without him--he typically doesn't want to do what I want/need to do, he doesn't like running errands with me, he complains when we spend "too much time" with my sister and her kids. So I go about my day without him. On Sunday mornings, though, I ask him "Do you have anything planned for today or want to plan anything for us?" When he says no, I tell him what I have on my to do list (grocery, visit with family, lunch with friends...). I always say he's welcome to join me, but he says he's tired and wants to nap or do stuff around the house. I say fine, I'll be home in time for us to have dinner together. Invariably when I get home (before dinner time), he's mad b/c I spent the whole day out and he didn't realize I was going to be gone the whole day--he wanted to spend time with me. Really? And when we go away for the weekend, it's just as bad--he doesn't sleep the whole time, but he typically only does what he wants. For instance, he'll open a beer at 10 am and say, "what? I'm on vacation!" I've tried to explain that behavior means I get no vacation, no time to relax, but it's like that doesn't matter (quick background: he has alcohol issues, which have caused serious problems for us). 

The bigger picture, though, as you also point out above, is the lack of empathy or emotional understanding. He's not able to crawl out of his own skin for even a second to see how I must be feeling in the situation. When he leaves our doors unlocked, and I get upset, he thinks I'm just getting mad at him and being hard on him and he says he's sorry "so what's the big deal?" When the big deal is that we've talked about this a million times--it's a safety issue, and I get scared when I come home to an empty house and the doors are unlocked. And this goes for much larger issues, too--I had a childhood friend pass away this past fall from a long struggle with cancer (we were both 29). I was dealing with so much--the loss, but also a lot of guilt b/c we had drifted apart in recent years and I had kept meaning to get back in touch, but I didn't, I just felt like I would have more time...anyway, DH was trying to console me, and I thanked him but explained that I needed a few hours of quiet to myself to work through things and just be with my own thoughts and emotions for a bit. And he got mad (I guess b/c he felt like I was rejecting what he was offering), but it struck me as so selfish. Here I was crying over the loss of a friend, and he's stomping off angry at me b/c I didn't want to be hugged and held.

I agree--I don't think it should be so hard to be in love. I don't think it should require so much heartache to be in a loving relationship. I don't know how you move on from here--I still have hope that I won't have to move on, that we'll be able to get back to that place where we felt like best friends. But we've tried just about everything, and I can't make him want to change--he needs to want that for himself. I have already spent countless hours working on myself and my own issues, and I've come to a place where I'm pretty happy with who I am. But I refuse to live my life like this, I refuse to emotionally detach from him but stay married--I deserve better than that, and so does he. 

If you've already reached the point where you don't see any chance of things improving, then I think you do owe it to yourself to leave. Of course it will be hard, but isn't it already hard? Could it really be any worse than what you've already had to endure? It could be a fresh start--how glorious does that sound??

Dear DGreen, Lynnie70 and

Dear DGreen, Lynnie70 and DesperateSoul,

Hello ladies :)

I'll share my thoughts in the order you commented!  Firstly, thank you so much for saying that you related to what I wrote.  I class it as a huge compliment that two of you said that you'd copy and print it; that truly validated me and how I feel.  Thank you.  My husband has not been diagnosed but after researching, I came across this site and bingo.  To hear you ladies say that my writing describes exactly how you feel, confirms my suspicion.

Dgreen - you wrote "I find myself now wishing I was those happy women I see shopping and holding hands with their husbands.. why did this happen to me.. why did others not stay with him? I should have known????"  I so agree with you!  I too have seen the couples who look so happy in the grocery store and so wished it were me.  As for answering why did it happen to you when other's didn't stay with him.  PLEASE forgive me for sounding mean, but I'm saying this with myself in mind too!  It happened to us, because we allowed it to.  We went with the flow and got washed into a sea of ADHD / ADD and didn't realize (or didn't want to admit) how strong the unseen undercurrents were - did we?!   I can say for myself that not having had a great childhood (I was very well cared for, fed, clothed and knew I was loved, but when my Dad died I was only 7 and I was the youngest of six children, five still at home. My Mum, only in her early 40's and with no mortgage-insurance, was not a happy person and my elder brother's teased me. I was put down too often and I was told I was "stupid" ... doesn't do much for the self-esteem!)  Anyway, I believe in the "hyper-focus" stage - it felt wonderful - then when I saw signs of something different - I chose to ignore them and went ahead and married him.  Oprah had a show recently about listening to "that little voice in your head" - the little voice was saying to me early on, "don't do it - you'll regret it - better a little heartache now than a LOT of heartache later" and I heard it loud and clear - but I refused to listen.  I swear - next time around - I WILL be listening and I WILL be acting on that voice.  We just all have to rise above our own insecurities and doubts and tell ourselves that we deserve better.  We can be on our own, we can start all over again and we DO ALL deserve to live in a HAPPY, NORMAL PARTNERSHIP.  BTW, that is NOT asking for too much!  You deserve that too Dgreen and you know it!

 

Lynnie70 - Thank you SO much for your kind words and support.  I unfortunately have not left him yet - but am on a mission to do so.  For starters I am not currently working as I was laid-off.  I'm desperately looking for a job and as soon as I get a little cash behind me - I'll be off.  But one little hazard in my way is a selfish one (and I'm not a selfish person!) but he worked for a co., 3 yrs ago that are worth $400mill in sales a year and they were not paying their workers on Government jobs.  I researched, spoke to 4 different Attny's, collated 350+ pages of paperwork, discovered evidence online and have literally sent 100's of emails, etc., etc., Bottom line is, he filed a sealed lawsuit and the Dept of Justice has a US Attny looking at it. (Some cases filed in the year 2000 were still not investigated in 2009!  And there were only 684 of these suits taken by the Govn last year!)  If they take the case - it could literally (not exaggerating) be worth millions!  Anywhere from a couple of mill to $70 mill.  NOW WE ALL KNOW, that he, with ADD, didn't put this case together!!!  I did everything.  Even when he was shouting at me "Stop wasting your time with this B.S - it'll never amount to anything - it's my business and I'm telling you to DROP IT, now!"  I carried on in secret and you can bet your bottom dollar I will be getting half of the money.  It's so close - in the next month or two the Govn will either take it or drop it.  If they take it, they've said this co will probably settle out of court.  If they drop it, his Attny's will take it instead and it could take years so I'll just cut my loses. Obviously as soon as I divorce him or visa-versa - I've lost any claim.  You could say that I'd be an idiot to stay for money and I would agree!  However, my life was great before I met him, I had my own little duplex, good friends, lovely times with my family, a new car and a great career.  I have nothing now - absolutely nothing - we lost our house (financial suicide), I have not job, I'm driving a 20yr old Lexus and we are broke.  Therefore, what have I got to lose!  I'm keeping out of his way and he knows if he touched me again I would call the police and get a restraining order - plus since this incident we have two male roommates!  Anyway, I digress -      I cannot believe Lynnie what terrible things your ex did to you.  Tortuous.  Punching you in the face like that out of the blue.  Disgusting and I bet you didn't receive an apology ever, either.   I know just what you mean about you "started telling other people the truth"!  They don't like that, do they!!!  Did you find that "their" truth only included what you did, or how you reacted or what you said - it NEVER includes the despicable things they did to spur you on, to say that or do that etc.  CAN ANY OF YOU TELL ME THIS ............... is, or was, your ADD partner an utter control freak?  Wanting to have you just where they wanted you and make sure that you're in a position of no power? Making sure they can make you suffer in any way they can?  He told me once when his ex girlfriend used to ask him to drop over a pkt of cigs to her, he'd say he'd be right over and then not show up for a week!  My reaction was "Why would you do that to her?"  Now I know why!    I cannot stand that about him.  The other thing (and this upsets me probably more than him being physical with me) is the lies he tell's other people about me - I'm a good, kind person, I've never done harm to anyone intentionally and he makes out I am evil, absolutely evil.  That hurts to the core, because I am not.  ALSO LYNNIE - what you said was SO, so very true - he is a fake.  I don't know how on earth you can live your life with such diverse persona's?  He can smile and laugh and be such a nice man to neighbors or even a stranger needing help ...  so obliging, so helpful, so thoughtful - then walk in the front door and that smile will be replaced by a deep frown and his eyes show he's the devil incarnate himself.  Horrible.  Anyway, I thank you for your kind words and support Lynnie, after 6 yrs of living with this in my life - I don't need the support or strength to leave him - I just need the practical things like a job and cash!  Then I'm on my way and I cannot wait to smile again, to not dread going home, to not know what mood he's in or who he is today, to not pick up the mess he left - to not be absolutely miserable with the life I'm living.  I'll be GONE!    Thank you Lynnie for your advice and very insightful thoughts. 

wisconsinwife,

"I am terrified to hear that you husband physically abused you and the way in witch he did it! he have absolutely "NO"!!! right in putting his hands on you,but let me tell you a little of what my ADHD husband of whom vowed to love,honor,protect and respect me did to me!

he curses me nonstop,chases me like a dog,choked me for no reason,lied to me all the time,watches porn all the time,reined by birthday by taking a prostitute home to his apartment, but ,never did anything with her he had her sitting in the kitchen and it was only to upset me when he knew I was almost home,transferred all our money to a next account on a next woman name, because his ID card was expired he couldn't get an account so the accountant from his work helped him but still be betrayed me,,,,, and I could go on and on.

The thing is I too have a reason for "NOT"leaving him as yet and that is for him to fix my car,he used my car so much as if it was his,went to work with it all the time while I walked to the grocery and suffered with the heavy bags,and he used it up so much that he burned the clutches in my transmission which is costing me 12 thousand dollars and I am not going anywhere till he fixes my car!!!I could understand how you feel and if it is you want what you think that is "YOURS"then don't leave until you get it! but until then I am still trying to get him to go and see the doctor and take meds and if by the time my car fixes and he still has not sort to do the things to get better I will leave him,,,,, in spite of how much I love him because I have no intentions to let my real husband get away while trying to keep the "FAKE" one.good luck fight the fight and god will reward you in the end..from:lovehurtsalotwithanger.

 

 

 

 

 

Hello, lovehurtsalot. We (me

Hello, lovehurtsalot. We (me and my husband) have again decided to end this relationship. It was over a very small little incident.  He was unthoughtful and I just got sad and a little angry. Sat him down and said " why do you do this to me"? He said something that hurt me ALOT and hit me like a bolt of lighting..... AGAIN !!!!. I said I am done. I told him it will take a little bit of time for me to get organized to leave. He wrote me this letter saying he has wanted this for a long time and that he just didnt' know how to say how to end it. Ya ok six weeks ago on valentines day you cried and told me you were the luckest man to have me and that you LOVED ME SOOOO MUCH was what???  a lie?.  So we planned I would stay for the next two weeks just to get myself organized. I already have a friend to rent a room from and will put my belongings in storage until I move in my own place this summer. As I was getting ready to go see my friends room for rent he said " oh are you going out to meet your new boyfriend?"...  wow honestly he thinks in 2 days I already have another boyfriend.. Jealous are we???? oh right ...yes you are. Weird thought because in the letter he wrote me he said he didn't care anymore.. and that it was for the best.. and that he hopes i understand that he doesn't want to hurt me ... blah blah blah... ok so why do you care if I am going out to meet with someone else?.... your ready to let me go so easily.

I am so done. I can't even express my anger here on this forum because I don't want to offend anyone. The ADHD prevents him from seeing where he went wrong. He must blame me to protect his self esteem. I just can't do it anymore. I am at the end. I deserve better. He also said in the letter its not ADHD. WHY WHY is there such a stigma attached to this disorder. GO GET HELP!!!!!!!!! Dont' be ashamed.... it's not a bad thing.. it's not your fault..... man I am so fustrated.. but unable to take the abuse of the ADHD. He just has no filter.. he says things he doesn't mean. I told him after he said the terrible thing to me .. this is the ADHD talking now... and the letter is also the ADHD mind talking to me.. not you!!!! But they (people with ADHD) do not always learn from the consequences they have to face for what they say or do.. this I heard from Dr. Russel Barkley. Giving them consequences doesn't work. NEVER worked with my son who has ADHD also.. the inattentive type.  I just wanted to share my fustration with anyone who would understand and listen.. thanks.

Codependant YUP I sure am.

Codependant YUP I sure am. Very much. Made an appointment today wtih a psychologist to try to figure out why I am only attracted to these men. I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about coming from a dysfunctional framily ... then that man comes tells you are the BEST thing in the world and you fall for it... because you NEED that apprication, acceptance, reassurance.. i don't know but I hope I am on the trail of figuring it all out.. so I can be in a peiceful, loving relationship..  thanks for listening.. and responding to me.. 

dgreen,

Codependant only takes place after settling in wth a spouse,I don't think it is at first,we as individuals tend to rely on eachother in a marriage, and that's the way it really should be,meaninig,a shoulder to lean on when things go bad at work,or maybe a extra buck to help us buy things, it really should be that way honestly,but, think of it like this,when we won't with our spouse's who did it for us? exactly,, we did!!!! all I am really trying to say is you could start all over again no matter what,and remember that if your spouse has ADHD these problems would not go away untill he seeks professional help! I am truly sorry though for all your pain and wish we all could find a good healthy way to pass this,which there really is not!

lovehurts.