I have posted here several times recently. My wife has told me she wants a divorce for the third and I’m pretty sure the last time. Although I do not want a divorce it’s not my decision to make alone so I don’t see any way of stopping it. It hurts to admit it but what has ruined our marriage has come from me. When I put myself in her position I can understand why she wants out and I can’t blame her. She is fighting for her own life and just wants to save herself. The way she describes it is that she is shell shocked and needs space and time to herself.
I would love to be able to address all of the issues that I know I have and be the man she needs and wants but I know it’s gone on for far too long and too deep for that now. So as much as I really don’t want to accept this new reality I have to find a way. I know the most loving thing I can do is let her go and rebuild her life without me and the chaos my life brings. The problem is that I just don’t know how to do that. Every time I think about it I literally want to throw up. I can’t imagine a life without her in it.
So how do you let go of someone you love so much? I know it’s the right thing to do, but the pain is so great, how do you come to terms with it?
If anyone has had to do the same, I would really like to know how you managed to get through it and live without you partner. And how long did it took before you wanted to live again?
Thanks,
I have been divorced for
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I have been divorced for almost three years. My ex began withdrawing (physically and emotionally) from me and the marriage about three years before the divorce. I was the one who filed for divorce because of the abandonment and some other issues (dishonesty, mainly), but I had been willing to work on the marriage. My ex said he didn't want the divorce but he also didn't make any move to work on the issues that he had control over. I still feel very sad sometimes. But I'm surviving.
I’m new here but have been
Submitted by Easygoing on
I’m new here but have been dealing with ADHD for 35 years in my marriage and didn’t know until 2 years ago. My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago. The short version is he left me the first time 6 years ago. He left me officially 3 times since then. The third time was a bit over 2 years ago. We are still together and are working on learning to both deal with the effects of ADHD on our marriage and repair the damage.
Im not going to write all of our details hear but I do understand how you are feeling. The thing that helped me the most personally during this time is learning to stand still. I could not change or control not only my husband, his actions or anything that came at me in life. I decided to first just stand still and let life happen and not react for a few days. Boy that was hard. Then as I continued this, I made myself look for something that made me smile or I could find a speck of happiness in. Whether it was to hear a bird singing or have my dog wag his tail and want to have a good rub....it was so hard to find a speck of happiness but I get telling myself to just be still and look for it.
Then as I was doing this I started to try and find a way to make myself feel just a bit better in some way. That was even harder but went along with looking for a speck of happiness and not controlling anything or trying to change anything because we are powerless to control but we can control ourselves. I could make myself find something to give me a second of calm, listen to a song I loved, take a walk with my dog...I made myself do these things and it got easier and easier.
At the same time I decided I wanted my marriage but couldnt try and control my husbands feelings or wants. I did speak with him and told him I wanted our marriage and knew if he did not, I couldn’t do anything about it. I told him I did not want to fight and just wanted the best for us and our family ( our kids were in their mid 20s and out of the house). I wanted whatever happened to effect our family in the least negative way possible. I asked if he would consider taking a bit of time to let both of us just breathe a bit (he was not living at home) and not make any decisions right away. I kept telling him I respected he wanted out and I didn’t but I would accept this. I asked for a bit of time for us to both be able to do things the best way possible for our family because married or divorced we had kids and would always have to deal with each other and I just wanted the best for each of us. We also had a business together with various partnerships with other people, real estate...and could not just walk away from each other. Our business was a spider web and couldn’t just be dissolved or split so we had to be able to communicate. I asked that we breather for a bit and then if he wanted a divorce that we do this so that each of us could be happy. I asked that he think about going to counseling, not to work or fix or marriage or to fix him or myself, to just learn the best way possible to communicate better. I told him I wanted to learn to communicate better with him because I wanted to be happy and wanted him to be happy....
He did decide this was a good idea and was not going to fix our marriage but wanted the best for us both too. We are still together, he was diagnosed with ADHD, we are both making progress with our marriage and ADHD effects. It can be up and down. I don’t think he has his ADHD under control and I am still learning to try and do things better in the best way I can. We do love each other deeply and are still learning to deal with all the damage that we both caused.
I did the things when he left me the third time not to control things, I decided I wanted to be happy and knew I had to communicate with my husband married or not. I had to learn to do this and be happy and the only thing we have control over in this life, is how we react and untilI could learn that I wouldn’t be truly happy married or alone.
i am still just learning and this has been the hardest thing but I truly just wanted to be happy. I hope this helps in some way.