How do you move toward the future when so many mistakes in the past have been made?

I'm sorry for the length of this post, but I have 25 yrs of marriage to cover. I have ADHD, diagnosed for ten yrs and take meds that help tremendously. My wife and I recently came to the end of our marriage and have now decided to reconcile instead of getting a divorce. We love each other very much and its the only thing holding us together. For several years, I made the typical ADHD mistakes of moving us around for something better and it took a toll. We moved 14 times in 11 years. I have always worked hard (not smart) to provide a nice lifestyle for my family. I have come to realize that this has caused more damage than good and that in hindsight, I was giving to my family to stroke my own ego vs. what was best for them. About 15 yrs ago, I started a business that required me to travel. Sometimes I was gone all week, for the majority of the time, I would estimate 2-3 times per week. This left my wife at home a lot with 2 girls to raise. One of which is ADHD like me. Both girls are grown, one in college. My wife and I were married right out of high school and never had support. At one point, we were on Medicaid and food stamps to get through college. My wife came from an abusive home where things that I hear about, I cant even fathom. I am from a divorced home, had a great childhood because of nearby grandparents that loved unconditionally. Father was bullying and angry, mother was disconnected and worked a lot. I have recently come to the realization that I should have worked harder to really understand my wife's needs. She has many times in the past, told me how the travelling has effected her. However, when we sat down to discuss it, the realization that if I were to do something else, there would be many nights that I would not be home and it would mean that she would need to take a job. We are both Nurses and would need to work nights or 12 hr shifts. I point this out because I remember these conversations. But now my wife, doesnt take any culpability in coming to this conclusion and believes that I was just some overbearing ogre that said how it was going to be and that was that. I try to see it this way and end up remembering conversations that we had where my wife discussed the positives of decisions only to now learn it was not something that she ever wanted. This is truly driving me crazy. I am second guessing my memory and I dont trust myself to make any decisions. My wife has had several bouts of depression that has lasted as long as 2 yrs at a time. She has always worked hard at being there for our daughters, but the marriage was totally disconnected. Counseling, doctors, and medical bills began to pile up. There were several years where I did have to make all of the decisions with no help, at times, doing what I thought was best for the kids. At one point my wife tried to committ suicide where I found her, induced vomiting and resucitated her until the ambulance came. This was very traumatic. Most of the counseling in the beginning dealt more with the abuse that she grew up with. Then it moved to her unhappy current life and our marriage. I realized several years ago that it was important for me to be in counseling with her and scheduled all appointments and made sure I was there for most of them. My wife has a different recollection of this, and can bring up 1-2 times where I was not there vs. the numerous times I was. In addition, she developed neck and back problems and ultimately had 2 spinal surgeries with several yrs of chronic pain. She has recently gotten better with the last surgery, but in order to cope with all of this, I made poor decisions for myself (overeating to the point that I was hoping I would just have a heart attack and the use of porn for sexual gratification when there was nothing in the marriage) Im not proud of the choices I made. I recognize now that I should have sought help from someone that cared like family or friends. I tried to keep my wifes depression and mine a secret. I try not to bring these things up to my wife because one, I made my wrong decisions, I own them. Two, i dont want to make her feel bad for things that were not in her control. However, recently she has blamed me for the depression and the physical ailments that she has had. Worse, I recently read studies that proved spouses frequently are the cause of depression. This was an overwhelming crushing blow to realize that my actions when I thought I was doing my best, were the cause of my wifes years of misery. I love her, but very often think that she would be better without me. I am doing many things to change. No more porn which has not really proven to be that difficult for me. I am increasing my connection to God by reading and praying. My wife and I will be looking for a church in hopes to find one where fellowship and counsel can be obtained. I am beginning an exercise plan that includes better nutrition. I know that I have to prove myself for quite some time, but it is difficult when so many comparisons of past mistakes keep being brought up. For example, I needed an item from an electronic store that I recently left in a rental car. I have been very good over the last 5-10 yrs about not leaving or forgetting my stuff when I travel. But this particular trip, was difficult because my wife had asked me to leave, fighting, etc. so I left this item in the rental car. Today I stopped at the electronic store and replaced it. I was thinking after I bought it that this is what my wife is talking about. Making decisions and not including her. I considered returning the item and not telling her for fear of the blowback. Then I thought, no thats dishonest and I need the item for business. So I decided to be honest. I listened to an excellent podcast on the way home that talked about loving your wife as Christ loved the church and I wanted to share this with her also. I am trying to include her on my thoughts and learning more because she says she that I dont do this. So when I get home, I share all of this with her and let her know that I bought the item and I was sorry that it didn't occur to me until after that this was something that should have been discussed as partners and that I would take the item back and possibly buy at another time when it was better. She became upset and reminded me of a time when I was 21 when I bought a golf club that I shouldn't. I felt defeated. I didnt expect a reward. At the same time there was a part of me that felt angry. I am 43, not 21. This was something needed for work and it is not an item that is that expensive (160) in addition its needed for business. I didnt say anything, but it just makes me feel that Im not going to have the energy to make all of these changes when Im paying for things over and over agin from 20yrs ago. Any advice would help. Thank you