How do you understand

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Why no apologies?

I don't know about in anyone else's case, but after I thought about this question, I realized my husband forgets SO many things SO often every day, that if he apologized for it, he would be saying nothing to me BUT apologies.

The bitterness at not having requests granted?  I'm hearing you there.  For me, it hits me right where the "woman" in me lives.  I think, "If you love me like you say you do, truly value and cherish me, then how can you deny me this small thing?"  And often, it is a small thing.  

One night we were in a hotel in a strange (reasonably safe)  city, and it was 9:00 PM - the night before Valentine's Day.  I asked my husband if he would walk around the corner and pick up a bottle of wine (6 minute walk).  He said OK; but 2 hours later, was still sitting in front of the TV.  I reminded him once, he said OK again.  Didn't move from the TV.  

Finally, it was 1:30 AM and I put on my pajamas and went to bed.  He was offended!  He said he thought we'd have a "romantic" evening, and started crabbing about me trying to go to sleep on him.  I could not get him to understand why he had killed ANY hope of romance that night.  He would barely speak to me on Valentine's Day.  Actually threw the card he got me onto the bed that AM with disdain.  And no, there were no flowers or gifts, either.

waynebloss's picture

That is not ADD that is a stupid man!

Add makes you forget, ADD makes you do some dumb things, ADD does not make a man sit in front of the TV for hours in a hotel with a beautiful woman!  Sorry, I do not by it that it was ADD, I have it and I would not sit in front of the TV in a hotel room with my wife!  Are you kidding me?  He did not speak not that he was mad, but very very embarrassed at what he did, and the only way as men we know how to act embarrassed is to be angry at something!  Sorry Rev, after reading your posts, he does have ADD but he is a dickhead with ADD!  Just never had the dickhead knocked out of him to bring him back to reality! 

Meds have wore off, I am tired, but damn men get your SH&T together!  If I could get all of your husbands in a room at the same time and treat them as they have treated you along with some electricty maybe they might start to understand that it is not ADD it is being a DICK!  Ok, I will not rant anymore, just tired of my "women" getting treated like they are!  Just pisses me off...anyone need a drink?

Stupid

After reading revelations story I need a drink, I want to cry for her... been there done that.. Are you kidding me I could put on the raciest outfit ever prance around in front of the t.v. and he'd ask me to move...

not to mention hubby  is woefully waving at me in the hall. G'nite I say..He pouts.omg GROW UP.

Wayne, your wife is a lucky woman. The story I shared was a butterfly kiss compared to some things, with enough spirits in me I might even share sigh..yep nothing like finding a pic of yoursef in your lingerie was posted on a "dating" site by hubby for the purpose of ..I need a bottle of spirits, and he wonders why...

wayne re: stupid man

Yes, I need a drink, and am having one now.

Wayne, this scares me.  Because I am REALLY hoping his behavior IS ADD related.  I wasn't kidding when I said we don't have much of a sexual relationship.  When I read the other ladies' posts, their husbands may screw up- sometimes terribly. But they have some sweetness in them.  My husband is ice.  He really only speaks to me if he feels like having sex.  There are no "niceties".  No cards or flowers, just because.  No compliments (but I do get some complaints) about my cooking.  Once in a while, he will scrape the ice and snow off my car in the AM (but not very well).  He does not come out to greet me when I arrive home each day.  He will not help carry in groceries- doesn't notice, even as he watches me carry them in!  I think he made me (well, helped my daughter make) one meal so far this year (Mother's Day). There are no phone calls just to see how my day is or if I'm OK if I am late

Once, I purposefully did not come home after work; I wanted to see if he would even notice.  I usually get home at 4:30 PM;  I didn't go home that night until 8:30 PM.  He never called me.  I know, because I carry TWO cell phones (work and personal).  He also never answers the phone.  I have had my car breakdown and called him for assistance.  He was there all along, but not answering the phone or listening to the answering machine.

That really stinks.  I worry about it from a practical standpoint.  My job has me on the road all day in many different cities, some rather unsavory.  If something happened to me, if I disappeared- there could literally be hours between my disappearance and the time my husband would start "looking" for me.  

I have told my 12 year daughter to call me if I am not home by 5:30.  I feel better knowing that someone will look for me.

Mr. Bucket-

Darling! Where HAVE you been??  And by all means, do join us.

Apology?

My hubby will apologize, constantly and for things I don't want him to.... Now it's to the point I DON'T want him to EVER. It only reminds me how much he screws up.

My husband apologizes...a

My husband apologizes...a lot.  The problem is, they go two ways.  One: he apologizes, promises to not do it again/says he'll try harder/says he'll do it soon and of course, nothing happens.  I wait and wait, and he doesn't do anything he apologized for.  Chances are, he's forgotten what he apologized for.  Or two: I get the angry "I said I'm sorry, what else do you want from me?!" because I'm still angry that he did something stupid and I knew he didn't mean his apology in the first place.  At this point, his apologies don't really mean anything to me.

I'm So Exhausted's picture

Apology or no apology

I feel it is really another controlling behavior:  my husband decides what should hurt my feelings and what should not!

The attitude of "If I didn't set out to hurt you, you are not allowed to be hurt." is ridiculous.

Human nature has all of us make mistakes.  Acknowledging it and making amends - that's the hard part. 

I DO know his heart.  It is good. But I also know it hurts to be overlooked, or forgotten, or be put to the bottom of the priority pile.

I was even willing to dance in our living room, with no one else around, just because the romance of it is - well, romantic!!!

My husband hates Soap Operas.  He says it gives woman the wrong idea about what men are like? 

Oh, you mean like Playboy and Penthouse give men the wrong idea about what women are like?!?!?!?!?!? 

Apologizing

I've "trained" my guy to apologize.  At first it was like he didn't get why he had to apologize for something he didn't do on purpose.  I explained to him that if you accidentally step on someone or bump them you apologize, since it hurts just as much whether it's accidental or not.  He kind of got that and usually apologizes.  For the small stuff, that can be enough.  

For the larger things (seriously hurting my feelings or doing something that has huge consequences) I try to explain to him that "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it.  I need the 4 pronged apology for those: 1) acknowledge that what you did was hurtful/damaging and how it made me feel. 2) Apologize. 3) Make amends if possible (this can take days). 4) Take steps to prevent the thing from happening again.  The 4 pronged apology is hard for him but at least he gets why I need it and he tries (maybe with more training he'll get good at that too).