Communication is a huge issue for those with ADHD, and it definitely is with my husband. Part is probably due to the way he was raised, too. His mom and dad are horrible at talking to one another.
Many of our arguments leave me bewildered. They can pop up out of what seems like nothing, but is really something that has been festering away at my dh (and he hasn't talked to me at all about it.) He is a tax accountant, so he's very busy right now and rarely home. Comes with the territory. Yesterday, he said he wanted to do something as a family (we have 2 kids) in the evening. I told him that we would be at the neighbor's for a birthday party, so just call when he got home, He insisted I give him a time, or else he ends up working too late. So I told him fine, 7:00. I kept looking for his car from the neighbor's, but he doesn't call till about 8:45 that he is on his way. I am not upset, b/c I know he is swamped.
Today (Sunday) he has not said anything about if/when he will go into work. Around 9:30 a.m. (we are still in pjs, haven't eaten breakfast), he starts asking what we want to do b/c he is going into work in a few hours. Being kids, they said "I don't know". Dh is not suggesting ideas, either. Suddenly he is all pissed and says "Forget it, I'll just go into work" and stomps upstairs to get dressed. I ask my kids to just suggest a game or something, and my son said that he did. So, DH comes down pissed and I tell him that our son wanted to play this game. DH says that my kids are not the problem, it is me. That when he gets home, I go off into the computer room or am on my phone. Now, I will admit that I do this. But, that is because he is rarely home right now, and I have 24/7 responsibility of the kids/house. I need a break, so that is why I do that. I figure he'd want some one-on-one time with the kids.
He then starts yelling about an email I sent him (after he called me ranting and hung up when I challenged him) when I just told him that I support him, but cannot be his punching bag. He called me "chicken shit" for not talking about it. Um, how the hell was I going to talk to you about it when you hung up on me? And, there isn't much opportunity with him never being home.
There is absolutely no use trying to reason or talk to him when he is like this. He just continues to yell. He ends up leaving (squealing tires and all). So, you are mad at me, but then end up not doing anything at all with even the kids??? Who are sitting there for all of this? And then I find out my neighbor (and probably all the others) heard him yelling, because he was continuing to do so when he got in his car. Lovely.
I do take some responsibility for making him feel unwanted. That was not my intention, but I didn't make it clear that I needed a break. I am a very social person, so some days facebook/email are my only meaningful adult conversations. So, I decide to offer to come with the kids and bring dinner. It is a beautiful day, so maybe we can sit outside. I call his cell, no answer. I sent a text an hour ago and he has not responded. I am so tired of playing these games. If you were bothered by me being on the computer, then why the heck wouldn't you just say, "Hey, could you please come hang out here with us instead of being on the computer?" Why let it build up till you explode???
If anyone has good tips on communicating (especially during conflict) with your ADHD spouse, please share them. I am also going to reread that section in Melissa's book.