Submitted by PoisonIvy on 01/20/2013.
I go in and out of deep mourning for the loss of my marriage. I'm not divorced; my husband is not dead; but the combination of ADHD, depression, and perhaps a personality disorder have affected him so much that I believe that our relationship is not one of mutually supportive partners and that it never will be. I realize that it would probably help if we were divorced, but right now, that is not yet a possibility. Is there any chance that I can move out of mourning on a permanent basis or is it just human nature that I will periodically feel anger and sadness about the loss of my marriage? Any tips for getting through the sadness in the moment? Thank you.
hi there
Submitted by lynninny on
Hi Rosered,
Sorry if you have answered this before, but are you in counseling?
And why is it not possible, if you cannot divorce, for you to at least live in your own space, separated? I know that the financial aspect is scary. I currently am living so close to each paycheck that I can only fill my gas tank halfway and had to tell my children that they may not be able to have a birthday party this year. Sigh. But I am free of the 200 pound weight that was slowly suffocating the very life out of me, and that is worth it.
I don't know--relationships and marriage are complex, but I have heard your pain on these boards for a while. It doesn't sound like you are going to get what you need remaining married to your spouse. I think it is a tough thing and for those with thicker skin or stronger psyches than mine to stay physically in a significantly unhappy marriage where their partner can't contribute ANYTHING to making it better, and I am not sure how to undergo the personal growth and healing that needs to happen while still in this situation. I will say that physically separating from my STBX at least gave me room to breathe and moments that I didn't have to think about the elephant in the room. I have tried to spend as much time with friends as possible, etc. My therapist saved me:-)
At any rate, best to you, and I hope you find some peace. It is tough to look back on a series of years and realize that they spent years in such a fruitless endeavor. But looking ahead, thinking, "Now I get to have a life," is pretty great.
PoisonIvy
Submitted by Brindle on
Did you ever get the answer to this question? I came here looking for a post on this exact topic.
Poison Ivy, Mourning
Submitted by jennalemone on
It took me decades to ACCEPT that H would never be able or willing? to be a partner in marriage the way that I needed a partner to be. I also accept that I am not the horny, fun, devil-may-care, laid back partner he would like me to be. Once accepted there has been a LONG period of mourning. I permit myself only so much mourning that I can handle because along with accepting the loss of my dreams, expectations, hope for marriage, I find myself in all kinds of shame, guilt and loss that I spent my adult life so lost and naive and small. Too hopeful and clinging to faith and hope rather than strong in actions and words in the areas of financial, physical, and love of this ""partnership.
I am still with H after decades. I mourn too. Poison Ivy, my point is that even if you were still married, you would be mourning like me. You are probably mourning the loss of hope and faith in people and their promises. You have been betrayed by the person you so wanted to have faith in. I have been reading a lot lately where people are writing about how we, Americans, are more lonely than ever. I have told a few of my good friends that I am lonely and they respond with a resounding "yes, me too". As we get older, there are not so many things to take our minds off of our own situations. There are not as many events, situations (including our work) which occupy our time with constant parade of new and old people daily.
Could it be that you are lonely? Also angry? Also disappointed? I am. So, what do we do with that? I think the answer is in filling our lives with people as much as we have the energy for. Calling, inviting, going out, texting, being out in the world. I hope you find lots of people in you life soon to fill the void and loss.