How to handle intermittent but prolonged mourning

I go in and out of deep mourning for the loss of my marriage.  I'm not divorced; my husband is not dead; but the combination of ADHD, depression, and perhaps a personality disorder have affected him so much that I believe that our relationship is not one of mutually supportive partners and that it never will be.   I realize that it would probably help if we were divorced, but right now, that is not yet a possibility.  Is there any chance that I can move out of mourning on a permanent basis or is it just human nature that I will periodically feel anger and sadness about the loss of my marriage?  Any tips for getting through the sadness in the moment?  Thank you.

hi there

Hi Rosered,

Sorry if you have answered this before, but are you in counseling? 

And why is it not possible, if you cannot divorce, for you to at least live in your own space, separated? I know that the financial aspect is scary. I currently am living so close to each paycheck that I can only fill my gas tank halfway and had to tell my children that they may not be able to have a birthday party this year. Sigh. But I am free of the 200 pound weight that was slowly suffocating the very life out of me, and that is worth it. 

I don't know--relationships and marriage are complex, but I have heard your pain on these boards for a while. It doesn't sound like you are going to get what you need remaining married to your spouse. I think it is a tough thing and for those with thicker skin or stronger psyches than mine to stay physically in a significantly unhappy marriage where their partner can't contribute ANYTHING to making it better, and I am not sure how to undergo the personal growth and healing that needs to happen while still in this situation. I will say that physically separating from my STBX at least gave me room to breathe and moments that I didn't have to think about the elephant in the room. I have tried to spend as much time with friends as possible, etc. My therapist saved me:-)

At any rate, best to you, and I hope you find some peace. It is tough to look back on a series of years and realize that they spent years in such a fruitless endeavor. But looking ahead, thinking, "Now I get to have a life," is pretty great.