How the heck can I get over the disappointment and hate to start rebuilding?

I have never been one to post on line but I find myself here because I've given up on my husband. I seem to not be able to control this deep seeded resentment I have for him. We have been to psychiatrists,  psychologists and therapists.  He has never gotten a clear diagnosis but it is somewhere in the middle of OCD, AHDH, and some think bipolar spectrum. When I list them off like that it sounds like my husband is a mess but he not… completely. He is the nicest man. He would never harm another person or say unjust things about anyone. And he loves me unconditionally. Even right now when we have spoken about getting a divorce he still loves me and shows me in affectionate ways.

He has tried numerous medications (he is currently on Concerta 78mg and citalopram (it is an anti-psychotic drug)). We have gotten through him zonking out for days at a time, him being a zombie, him not sleeping for day at a time to name a few. I’ve never lost my faith in him. I think I have.

There are things that he does all unintentionally and without meaning to, that have taken a toll on our relationship. I have tried countless times and different ways at getting him to help me with daily living. It is impossible. He gets so fixated on his “projects” that he stays up all night working on them. It used to bug me that he never came to bed and now when he does I can’t fall asleep with him in bed. He is obsessed with these things it’s all he does. Every waking moment he is sneaking away, unintentionally, to go to the store for a part or working on his project. He tries to talk about his projects so much I get to the point that I hate them. It’s never the same thing always changing (photography, building a 3D printer from scratch, kegging beer, Certification for a computer course just to name a few). I’m always cleaning up his projects after he has them out. If I ask him to do something his answer is always yes, but he never follows through with it. So he doesn’t help me with any chores around the house, outside, groceries, dishes or our 3 kids (11, 5 and 2) (he can’t handle the kids they stress him out), unless I though a hissy fit and make him do it right then and there.

I feel like I’m his parent. If he runs out of his medication he won’t even refill it. I usually do but if I don’t notice he won’t tell me I usually notice when he’s grumpy and going though withdrawal symptoms.

We have always had these problems I knew that they were there when I married him. I made him promise me that he would seek help and we did… try. A few years ago I remember a time that I didn’t care if I had to remind to do things but my deal was that if I reminded him he had to do it when I asked. That didn’t work he still didn’t do any of it. His student loans went to collections and now a laywer because he just couldn’t pick up the phone. I reminded him every week for years. I even went as far to threaten to get his family doctor to write me a note saying he was incompetent so I could deal with his financial matters.

I was on Maternity leave for 2 years (yah Canada) and it turned out to be an awful experience for me. I have no family here so it turned into a solitary nightmare for me. My husband is anti-social so he doesn’t like to go out and he is so wrapped up in his hobbies that I started suffering from depressing and panic attacks. It was bad for a while he wouldn’t see a therapist with me I begged and begged. I threatened to take my own life. Eventually we went to a few sessions. Then he didn’t want to go back because he thought that the therapist was picking on him.  I am now back at work and doing much better. Since I started back I have had to get the kids packed up by myself and drop them off at day care several times because he stayed up too late and I can’t get out of bed. He then calls in sick. They know that he has issues so he just tells them the doc switched his medication. He is also brilliant so they overlook this downfall. I’m past the point of even caring to wake him up anymore. It’s just so annoying having to wake someone up several times only for them to lay back down and fall asleep. He wants to stay together. I know that I still love him because thinking about him makes me sad but I feel so much resentment toward him. The words “I can change” have no meaning left in them. We have been going down a dark spiraling tunnel and every year it seems to get worse because I’ve lost my hope. Maybe I need to vent I don’t know. I’m no angel in this matter either. I’m not understanding with his disability anymore. Every 5 seconds I’m pointing out some bitchy remark to him about how he can’t do anything so I have to. Things are so much more complex then I could explain on here. I just need to get over this hatred I have for him. So we can try…………..…. Again.