How I found this website/blog...

I believe my husband is an undiagnosed ADD maybe a bit ADHD... I'm wondering if anyone can recognize this behaviour in him. I arrived at this website as I was searching for information to help me understand my husband's communication style. I feel like I want to clobber him on the side of the head and reset his brain. Most of the time I feel like I'm living with a teenager, he hyper-focuses on a new hobby as if nothing else exists and lives in a peter pan world of his own.  I can't seem to get through to him, when I try to tell him something I have to pin him down ... i.e. "Fred look at me.  Today I have to work late.  Can you  be home by 3pm, right after work, to take the dog out for a walk?"... and the whole time I feel like he's trying to squirm away and I'm never really confident he is listening.   He can't seem to remember to pay a bill on time and squanders his money.  I feel if I did not hold things together he would end up back where he used to be living in a rented basement apartment with credit agencies after him.  Does this sound like ADHD?  

Is this conversation style typical of an ADHD person?  His converstaion style gets really extreme if you add the pressure of a disagreement to it and spins out of control in a full on fight.  ts as if he can't answer a question directly.  He twists topics, is slippery and indirect, and responds to a question with an answer that has no bearing whatsoever on the question being asked, truly as if there is a person I cannot see or hear posing a question that he is responding to .  Here's how a conversation might go, though I can't do it justice:

(he went to IKEA to pick up the brown item)

Me: do you think you could have picked up the black item by mistake? 

Him, interrupting: that's just stupid. we were there last night and there were 2 colours on the floor, brown & white.  I took this from the pile that said brown, are you stupid there are 2 colours, white and brown. I can't believe you asked me that.... (turns his back and walks away to do something he doesn't need to do, to put distance between us).

Me: Ah, well I don't see what MY stupidity has to do with ...

Him, coming back, interupting: I've got 15 things to do and this being brown its not on my list of things.  Anyway how would you know, you never do anything around here .

Me: what?  that's just weird, what are you saying?  I'm asking you if you could have picked up black instead of brown,  why can't you just answer a simple question?  Does this look brown to ...  

Him, interupting: I'm really busy and I've (wanders off ... comes back)

Me.  Fred, when I ask you a simple queestion you turn it into an insult session? 

Hiim: How many colours were there. Weren't you there last night?  2, right?  white and brown.  this is brown.

Me: I had not forgotten I was there, but now I'm not talking about brown or black. I'm wondering why its such a chore asking you a ques.....

Him, interupting:  Hi puppy! Goes to pet the dog, then walks away, leaving ikea thing in pieces on the floor.

 

I have not had a meaningful conversatoin with this man, have never seen him finish a book.  His obsessions irritate me, its like he's unbalanced.  Our relationship started off with hiim being hyper focussed on me, and then it fell off a cliff, as if I'm not here now.   He can't plan anything in advance, everything is spur of the moment. If I don't organize a vacation we don't go.  I feel he is incapable of doing most things, as if I try to leave it to him it does not get done, or is done wrong.  I feel neglected. 

There is 0 chance he'd go talk to a doctor, at this point I'd like to know for myself so I can govern myself accordingly.   What do you think? 

 

 

 

This does sound like it could

This does sound like it could be ADHD.  I have a phrase that I use to describe my husband's facial expression when we're together and I'm talking about a subject that makes him uncomfortable:  the "just kill me now" expression.  That is, it's as though I'm physically torturing him and he wants the pain to be over.  And, unfortunately, almost every personal, as in relevant-to-our-lives, subject makes him uncomfortable.

Kill me now face

ha HA!   Yes I know that face.  Do you ever ask him about it?   I ask him, "whats with your face, what is that?".   My husband is also sarcastic. 

Also, another poster mentions how a simple conversation or a normal answer to a normal question could remove the necessity for so many stupid arguments.  This is my life!  A simple observation can trigger armaggedon.  It seems unbalanced and I'm really frustrated with it.  I'm finding it a great tool to shut up and not answer anything he says for hours after.  But then... is that life?  Why can't he seek out help for himself?  I'm sick of looking after him and making him do his taxes, making him take care of his medical issues, making him DO things.  I work too hard and I am tired.  I wish someone would do these things for me.

Is it ADHD or is it just immaturity?  

My girlfriend just left her husband after years of enduring his manic depressions, ADHD and other issues.  She is so happy, and has met a guy who actually talks to her, can plan an evening out and even a holiday, anticipates things for her and is generally operating at an adult level.   I am so jealous.

Perhaps a combination of ADHD

Perhaps a combination of ADHD and immaturity?  I wonder the same about my husband.  

And I too would like the possibility of spending time with a person who would want to be my companion and partner.

Your husband sounds a lot

Your husband sounds a lot like my stepdad, who has ADHD. He's extremely impatient and if you ask him questions that he deems "unworthy" or that don't make sense to him, then you are the "stupid" one. He calls my mom stupid a lot and it pisses me off, but there's not much I can do about that. I try to intervene if they start fussing, but lately he's told me to shut up and not get involved. I shouldn't but still... I hate it to see them and usually over something silly that could have been resolved easily had they not jumped to conclusions or got offended. But I digress...

It does indeed sound like your husband has ADHD. Have you ever broached him about it? I wouldn't say anything about going to a doctor, but I remember when I broached my husband about it, he was flabbergasted. It was suddenly as if his entire life came into focus. When he realized that there was an explanation for his behavior, he wanted to see a doctor. It's taken him over three years, but he's finally starting to function better. He doesn't make taking his meds a priority but he is aware of his actions and how it affects people, so he tries hard to plan for them.

But if taking to your husband doesn't work, you do need to set some boundaries starting with no more insults. He mostly like is a verbal bully because people have bullied him...called him stupid because he does things differently. It's a defense mechanism, but he needs to find another way to cope. It's rude and disrespectful of him to call you stupid. He'll probably tell you he doesn't mean it (and I'm sure he doesn't) but there's no excuse, so don't take any.

Best of luck to you.

truth

There's truth in what you say about calling me stupid being a defense mechanism learned  via people bullying him.  It would be his father, I think he seems me as like his father as I am the one who makes decisions... he is happy to let someone else make the decisions that matter as long as he can just cruise around and do his own thing.  But I wanted a partner in my life. 

I have not broached the "ever considered you have ADHD" conversation. It will be fun to see how he responds.  I'll have a beer first.  But then again, maybe I should go with hiim to the doctor and raise the topic myself ... at least I'll know the topic was actually raised and thought about.  He won't pursue it, too easily distracted.

L.