How to let go of the anger, frustration, depressed/sad feelings

This is my first time posting. I'm really nervous to put anything out there because sometimes the things I think (after I type them) just seem silly, but I need some advice on ways to let go of being angry, upset, frustrated, etc.

Short back story: I am the non-ADHD spouse; we have been together for 8 years, married for a little over 4. Like many of you, we have been having the same arguments, issues and problems just continue to repeat over and over throughout the years. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD in January 2012 and started on medication. His work life improved drastically (got a promotion and an great amount of new responsibility) but our relationship did not; we are currently in counseling to try and salvage our marriage.

We had been doing just okay for the past couple of weeks with no major issues until Christmas. Something popped up and I became incredibly upset, embarrassed and feeling like the butt of a joke. He says he understands what happened and how what he did made me feel, our therapist also helped me to explain things in a more rational tone he might recognize more easily but I just don’t feel closure.

As the non-ADHD spouse I can sometimes see clearly why x-happened and mitigate my response (based on acknowledging his symptoms) but other times I really just can’t and I have a hard time processing the hurt he caused. I feel empty and depressed; sometimes an apology isn’t enough because I’ve heard it SO MANY times before. I just want action, want to see physical understanding. I also want ideas on how to get past my own hurt to try and rebuild things on my end.
Does anyone have thoughts or ideas on this?


Sidebar: We talked in therapy about how he gets “stuck” and overthinks things. For example, he will want to show me he is sorry and think of an idea but then he anticipates I will hate it, scraps it and starts over. That pattern goes on in his head until he decides it’s just not worth it. I have reassured him that I will like any effort he gives and that trying is a step itself. But I feel like because of his overthinking I’m going to always be waiting… even though we work on it in therapy week after week. That doesn’t help us get over anything.

I read several books on anger

I read several books on anger and letting go...sometimes the advice helped..with small things that made me angry, but for big things that really hurt I have not found a way to just let them go.  My H says that I remember every little thing and hold it against him...I really wish I could forget things as easily as he does sometimes.  I don't do it on purpose and i don't hold every little thing against him, I also don't bring it up to throw in his face...but letting go...i have not figured out how.  I tried explaining it to him with analogies but he does not seem to 'get them' at all.  Its like chinese water torture a few drops of water are no big deal but chronic drops of water will make you insane. or when a master beats his dog over time the dog will expect every time he sees his master to be struck, even when the hand is meant in kindness the dog will never know if he will receive a gentle pat or another blow to the head. The dog wont forget...   This is how I feel, HOW do you get over the constant little things when they never stop, and how do you get over the blows to the head ?? (no my H does not physically beat me, but his verbal attacks sometimes feel physical)

If you figure it out, I would love to know how