So unlike Elsa, I am not able to "let it go". I have been through years of therapy--alone and together with DH--and all I feel is cheated out of 22 years of my life. I look at photos of me with my boys when they were little and I can barely remember that person, the person that loved her sons with abandon, told her husband he was the man of her dreams and happily did whatever needed to be done without complaint. Now...I am a bitter, angry, tired, overweight, jaded 47 year old. I have had enough therapy to know that what you tell yourself becomes reality, that it's all a matter of perspective, that I can break the endless script of failure in my head...but I just can't seem to. My oldest son will be 18 in May and graduates from high school on June 4. We have no college money saved for him. None. He was accepted at Indiana University and wants to go very badly. It's $45,000 a year. That is more than my salary in a year. So I failed in saving for college. And his brother (age 16) wants to go to University of Illinois (we are in Chicago, so that will be cheaper). Oldest son was in rehab for 6 weeks last year. So I failed in communicating that we don't do drugs. In fact my father was a violent alcoholic who killed himself when I was six and my son knows that and still chose to drink and take drugs. My faith is really important to me--I teach in a Catholic school and go to church every week. We took the boys to church for years. Now it's like pulling teeth to get them to come with me. Hubby doesn't go any more either. So another thing that was important to me for our family down the drain. We are vegetarians--I have been since high school, and the boys and DH are too. At least I thought DH was-there were receipts from several business trips on the desk and come to find out he has been eating meat for about the past year. So another shared value I thought we had, we don't and he doesn't even know that I know this about him. Grades in high school--don't get me started-both of my boys have IQs that there is no name for, but they have gotten Ds on their report cards and it does not phase them at all. I am a teacher for crying out loud, we value education. How did they not get that?? Fidelity and honesty in marriage--there have been three other women that I know of and DH lies like he breathes, so those two values are out the window too.
Now, let me be clear--I do not want to raise clone children, but some of these basic values I had hoped to impart to my kids--faith and education are pretty important to me. I cannot decide if I have just matured and changed and I am making more of all of this than needs to be, that life is just messy and kids have to mess around and fail a few times before they sort themselves out. It could be a midlife crisis of my own, I don't know, but I can't seem to stop cataloguing all of the failures I just listed in my head. I can't seem to stop the loop that is running in my head. I do a pretty good job of keeping this all to myself, but it's always running in my head. I take anti-anxiety medicine and I have an appointment with my doc next week. It's possible I need a new/different med because I just cannot stop the loop in my head that says I made a lousy choice in a life partner 22 years ago and so me and the kids are paying the price. It's exhausting. How do I let it go. What can I say to myself??