How long do you take the verbal and mental abuse?

Wow, this is a new thing for me and I am really taking a risk.  I am married to a man who has ADHD.  He chooses not to seek medical management.  

We have a young daughter and have been married 5 years.  We met and married a year and a half after knowing each other.  Knowing what I know now, I married him during the hyper-focus stage.  I thought, stupidly, that I was really just that great!  That he loved me, not loved being in love and the "thrill of the chase." 

He has always been really bad with money.  To the point where "our" savings, which is really MY savings has been dwindled down by THOUSANDS of dollars.  I am to the point where I am going to start transferring money into a separate online savings under the guise that I do not want to be "tempted" to spend money.  I really am just tired of working, saving and them having him "borrow" from our savings and never putting it back.  When I ask about the money I am lashed out at as if I am the one with an issue.  Told that I only care about money.  That's not the case.  I just dislike him having all the latest toys while I work to pay bills and put food on the table and save what I can.  It's getting old.  Before we married I had a really good savings and managed my money very well.  Now, I am out of control and in a spot that if I say ANYTHING about money I am being "paranoid" or "insecure."

When I was pregnant, he decided one day that it would be good to try to find other women to flirt with to boost his aging self-esteem.  Long story short, his escapades ended after about 8 weeks.  During that time, he bought a secret pre-paid cell (which I found - his excuses were great!), went to lunch up to 70 miles away when I was at work to meet a woman I assumed he met online.  He went to lunch with supposedly the same woman at a very fancy and expensive restaurant (which he does not take me to) on the totally opposite side of town while I was at work.  I think that they were two different women, but I have no proof.  Had me take pictures of him which he used to send to his prospects. He sent flowers to another woman that was 12 years younger than him (who has since married and is expecting a child - can you say golddigger? Only there is no gold - except mine, which is gone).  Did odd grooming habits (get the drift without me saying) and on the same day I noticed him doing that, he just had to go to work at 9 pm at night and there was a charge for a hotel within walking distance of his office that same night.  I ended up finding out about his affairs, that he claimed were only emotional and he never "met" or did anything "physical" with the younger woman, the following day after his hotel charge (cannot say stay, as he did come home around 1 pm in the morning).  After me finding out, he contacted her and let her know I knew.  There is more to the story, but I do not want to go into great details.  Either way, the point is that he stopped contact and focused on me, the baby and the rest of the pregnancy.  His justification for the affair was that he needed to feel wanted and liked the "thrill of the chase."  He said that he never had problems meeting women and was feeling unattractive (blamed me) and that he was losing his hair.  He wanted to feel like he was desirable.  He cried like a baby after I found out and begged for forgiveness.  I gave it.  However, I know that if I EVER even talked to another man, he would leave me with no change of explanation or reconciliation.

The real issue now, and what I want opinions on, is how to deal with a man that when he gets mad, explodes and says hateful things (i.e. he should have never married me, he wants a divorce, etc.) then five minutes later is back to normal.  When I say I am still hurt, his response is, "Can't you just move on?"  The awful thing is that my parents were very abusive and never apologized for their actions.  He now is the same way.  He hates them for how they are, but doesn't see that he is abusive.  

Recently we have had his family move in with us temporarily.  Things have been hard, as I have cultural and personality differences.  I was raised differently and take offense to guests in my home telling me what I should watch on TV, taking over my living room and rearranging my things.  I voiced my concerns to my husband and he took liberty to go and tell them, though I said to him that I would just ignore things for the time being.  It ended up in him getting into a fight with his family when I was not home.  Blamed me.  Said that I am "insecure, rude and that I do not "open up" to people.  He then went into a rant about how he didn't know me well when we married and if he knew then what he knows now that he would not have married me.  Funny thing is, I was really happy when I met my husband.  I had money.  I had my own apartment.  My own car.  My own friends.  I gave all of that up to be with him, thinking that I had a man who loves me for me.  I didn't know I married someone who would lose complete interest in me after we married and would take my money, not honor his words, get mad at every little thing, misinterpret having a conversation for "complaining", get mad if he is told "no", spew hateful venom from his mouth and then justify it by saying that he was just "mad" and didn't mean it.  Yesterday, when he told me all of these things, I told him I was so confused because just two days ago he told me how me and my child were "number 1" to him and that I was his life-partner.  When I asked how he could go from that to "I never would have married you"?  His response was, "things change."  He just kept saying that in a very hateful tone.  I then went and confronted the family members and I had received a very distorted picture of what their conversation and fight was really about.  I thought they had said horrible things about me and they were both very shocked at what I told them was said.  Things ended find with them understanding that I prefer things a certain way, etc.  My husband did a complete 180 and was super sweet and calling me and texting me all day today.  

As I have said, I know about the ADHD and what I have written is just part of the story.  I could document daily the CRAP he pulls and the attitude that he has.  He is super nice to everyone but me.  I tend to think that it takes all he has to hold it together in front of others and I have become the whipping post because he knows I won't leave.  But, the question is, how long should I put up with this?  Is it fair to be verbally and emotionally abused by someone with ADHD and just chalk it up to ADHD?  At what point does the person start taking responsibility for their actions and lack of control?  Should I stay or should I just make plans to exit knowing that the next 40 years probably will be hell?  I love him and just want him to be the way he used to be.  But, sometimes I think that it was just an illusion.

I've Been There...

There is no easy answer for your questions. I looked for one for four years and nothing was ever "clear." I had resigned myself to being miserable in my marriage or being miserable if I walked away. It would hurt either way, and as humans, we don't like to hurt.

I will say that your previous wonderful relationship with your husband was not an illusion. It indeed is the hyper-focus. But it going away doesn't mean that your husband doesn't love you or meant to snare you. I used to think the same thing about my own husband (who is ADHD). 

My main issue with my husband was that we informally separated for a little over two years. It started out as a job opportunity for him that necessitated his moving away. But then for eight months he continued to live with his roommates despite me getting a new job and moving to be with him. That hurt. It was excruciating every time he came up with a reason to keep living on his own. There were days that I thought my head would burst because I couldn't take the pain and rejection (daughter of divorce here). We were in counseling (still are) and it finally took my grandfather (who is like a father) being diagnosed with terminal cancer, for my husband to step up and do what was right. We've been living together for two months. His fear was that we would fight all the time (he grew up with very combative parents and didn't want to repeat that in our marriage). We've gone from fighting once or twice a week to once a month. I kept telling him that the fights were a result of his refusing to move in. I couldn't fathom how he said he loved me or how he wanted to be with me if he couldn't do the ONE thing I needed him to do. I will probably never understand why he did what he did, but I'm trying to move past that. 

My husband is treated (for the most part) and he has never been the type to criticize me on a regular basis, so I can't relate to what you're going through. He's gotten in a few scrapes where we was accused of cheating (but had an alibi) but deep down, I don't think he did. He didn't sleep around before we got together, so why would he once we were? But still...it's unnerving. Like your husband, if I ever cheated, I would be toast. In fact there was a time when I did have an emotional affair and my husband was so convinced that I was sleeping with the guy that he went through my cell phonebook looking for the guy's number. He didn't find it and if his expression was any indication, he was very shocked.

If my husband did what you say yours does, I don't know if I could stay. That sort of environment is degrading, mind numbing, and soul crushing. I don't think I could take it and I don't think ADHD should be an excuse. If my husband wasn't so open about seeking treatment, I probably would have left. He still has these mini rages. He had one last night when we were fighting about money. Like you, I'm the breadwinner. Hubby makes his gas money, eating out money, and supposedly the money to pay his cell phone bill. Well like most ADHDers, he spends money like there's no tomorrow and when I refused to pay his overdue, about to go into collections cell phone bill, he snapped. He's scary, very scary. He went after the flat screen, intending to throw it off the mantle, and I had to diffuse him. He went on for several minutes where in he said, "I feel like a rat in a cage again." That was one of his complaints from the first time we lived together (he hates the things I decorate with, my two cats, etc.) I told him to go then because I couldn't help him. He then went through and cursed at all the things he hates (my antique camera collection amongst other things). And then he just started crying...which never fails to break my heart. He started apologizing, said he didn't mean that I made him feel like a rat in a cage. You know the drill. It really shook me up though and I ended up going upstairs to cry. He followed me and comforted me, but I told he couldn't keep doing things like that. 

In the end, he got the money to pay the bill and he says he will start paying me money back for it. I hope he will, but we'll see. With that being said, I separated our accounts a long time ago. We used to have a joint account and two separate personal accounts, but because they were at the same bank, they were all linked. So when he went into overdraft, money automatically came out of the joint, which would either put that acct in overdraft or leave me short on money to pay the bills. I finally started a new account at a credit union and had my check deposited into it. I also maintain a savings account and money market account there as well. He doesn't have access to it and I know he resents that he has to go through me when he needs extra money. In fact, that's what started the fight last night because he wanted the money out of our emergency account. He told me that he had asked his dad for the money but his dad asked him what happen the tax refund we got. My husband told him that I had it put up and wouldn't give any to him. His dad supposedly said, "She's got the money that both of you got back?" I was infuriated initially, but then remembered an earlier incident where he twisted his dad's words to make it sound like I was in the wrong. When I replied, "Your dad wouldn't say that because he knows how you are with money" that's when he snapped. 

We're going to have to come up with a better system eventually but there's an uneasy truce right now. I would definitely second what you mentioned, setting up additional accounts to stow money away. He doesn't need to have access to your savings. We never had savings until recently but you have to go to the bank to get it out or transfer funds online and my husband doesn't have that info. I used the excuse of transferring banks during all that anti-bank sentiment and the fact that Wells Fargo had taken over our bank and instituted a lot of stupid fees I didn't agree with. So it wasn't an excuse really, just good timing.

I know I haven't really answered your questions. They are tough questions. But do what's best for you and yours. If you have the will to leave, then by all means, do it. I'm not advocate of divorce, but my husband doesn't verbally abuse or cheat on me either. That would change my landscape if that was the case. Best of luck to you. You can always come here to vent. It helps to get it off your chest, that's for sure.

verbal and mental abuse,

I have been verbally and mentally abused almost every other 2 to 3 days,and let me tell you it's no sunshine in the event and presence of this abuse!,I have locked myself within the sense of understanding what is his "TRUE" underlying problem other than ADHD,behind the abuse and the mental exhaustion lays the perfect time for regrets"I have been regretting ever since" this started and the "hyper focused courtship"ended abrupt!! some times the hyper focused is there but then it disappears again,My time frame with him is after taking meds, I would see if this is really worth it to stay or leave,time would tell.

You know...

You said something that is TRUE!  The "hyper focus" comes and goes!!!  It does!  There are times when I am like the freaking sunshine and times when I am a dog!  Geez!!! How strange!

First ...you really ARE 'just

First ...you really ARE 'just that great'...his behavior or words do not add to or take away from your value as a person.

Second...drain the savings account and get his hands off of it. Do it now before you look back, when it is completely gone, and have nothing left but regrets. 

Third...you have no boundaries and that is why he treats you the way he does, cheats, says 90% of what he says, and never apologizes. It sounds simple because it is. "He knows I won't leave" ... you might as well say "he has permission to treat me this way for as long as he likes". I have heard many of the things you are saying he says to you and I can promise you it isn't about you, it is about him and how he feels about himself - making you feel bad about yourself, justifies his crappy behavior in his own mind. 

Fourth...I hesitate to say "yes, it is just his ADHD" but the reality is that it is. I ignore a lot of stuff that I didn't used to, it is just part of how things have to 'work' in order for our marriage to survive...but ADHD should never be treated as a 'permission slip' for someone to be verbally abusive without any remorse, consequence, or acknowledgment of the abuse. Period. 

SherriW13,you are right!

you are right about setting the boundaries,ever since my spouse and myself have been setting up boundaries things have improve a little,which is a lot,I have seen a very better side of him where my feelings is concern, and he is doing his best to keep up the plan and not falling out off line,he is trying and I won't say that it would always be like that but it's a start,a sign of some hope(maybe).

lovehurts