How to make my ADD spouse my Ally, not my Enemy

I had a moment yesterday night... as I was sobbing in the phone to my husband (the result of two sleepless nights - no inciting cause for the insomnia and having only seen him 3 of the last 8 nights about 6 hours total, and no shared nights sleeping together). And after I hung up from my conversation with him, I was kicking myself. Because, while my "negotiations" (for lack of a better term - they aren't really fights anymore - although I have thrown things twice his month) are getting better, I still keep forgetting the rules I set out for myself:

1. Learn to ask for help without hurting someone. 
2. Learn to ask for help without hurting anyone. 
3. Don't miss him when he's gone, and fight with him when he is around. Then it's just a vicious cycle. Love him voraciously when he is around, and love yourself when he is not. 

So my question is this: When did my best friend, biggest support, and lover, become my enemy, not my ally. As I sat there sobbing on the phone, he said some pretty interesting things like: he does feel lonely, he is alone. And how did our relationship get so turned around we are both contravening the actual things that might make us both better or happier. He truly wants to be a good spouse. So how do we help each other in this?

(I get why some of it turned around - some disloyalty, my misunderstanding of his ADD behaviours, his control issues - but my husband is a good and generous husband who loves his kids, has tons of acquaintances, but constantly is losing friends). 

How do I inspire him to make this the greatest marriage on the face of the planet? How do I harness all that ADHD energy and turn it to an advantage?
(PS. Had the shock of my life tonight when my beautiful 17 year old daughter who has been struggling in school this year screened strongly positive on a self assessment questionnaire for inattentive ADHD)