I am very confused and would really appreciate some help. My wife has ADHD and I am autistic. I have read a lot about couples where the non-ADHD partner can become the organiser and the nag and the ADHD partner feels like the child always being told off.
However, in my case, my wife has ADHD and is also the nag. She is incredibly intolerant, angry and irritable.
If I do 10 things she will notice the one thing that is wrong and not the nine that are right or she will notice the faults in the nine that are right or tell me I should’ve done them differently or not done them at all.
She gives me looks and talks to me like I’m a child, but I feel like I’m living with a child or a stroppy messy teenager.
When we talk about this, the usual response from my wife is to say “oh you’re so sensitive”.
My confidence is on the floor and I can’t seem to get anything right whatever I do or don’t do. I am on edge all the time. We have been married for thirteen years but have actually recently separated and I have moved out.
I don’t know how to deal with this. I realise a lot of it is my wife externalising her own frustrations with herself by assuming the parent role to shift the child role onto me and is not “my stuff”, but I am unable to stop it affecting me. I am on edge all the time trying both to prevent criticism and attack as well as do thoughtful things to please her (which are rarely acknowledged), even though I realise it’s an impossible task. I don’t know what is ADHD, what is personality and what is my own insecurity. I feel like I am going crazy and am doubting myself fundamentally all the time.
Any help very much appreciated. Thank you