My ADHD husband has zero coping skills and has a tantrum whenever things don't go his way. I will do pretty much anything to avoid engaging him in a fight but I'm only human and it happens. When we argue he has a tendency to scream that he hates me and wants me to leave. I never leave because I tell myself he's "not himself" and he doesn't mean it. When he calms down he will usually apologize and say he didn't mean it. But lately I've been struggling to believe him when he apologizes. I've told him that the things he's said to me in anger are hard to forget, even though I honestly try. But when he says the same awful things repeatedly its hard. Also, like most ADHD partners, I am ignored quite a bit as a general rule so I never feel like I'm getting that reassurance I need. All of this makes me very sad and insecure. When I try to talk to him about my feelings he accuses me of bringing up old drama or he says that I don't know how to "just be happy". When in truth I am unhappy for these reasons. So I was wondering how you guys handle the verbal abuse? Do most ADHD people apologize or is this just my husband? I should also note that when he does apologize for his cruel words/actions against me, its a quick formality, you can tell he is not actually concerned for my emotional well being at all. He just doesn't want to deal with me. I take what I can get and grab the "peace". But I'm struggling to find any in my heart. I love my husband very much and won't leave him unless he truly wants me to. But who knows how he really feels. A lot of times I feel like I'm not a "real" person to him, like in his mind I don't have feelings or its okay to treat me in ways he would NEVER stand for being treated himself. Also he will express geniune regret to me aftrr he has lashed out at a family member or coworker. He is able to feel regret and compassion for others, although not as often as most people would. Its still much more common than showing any kind of regret for hurting me. Anyway. How do you soothe yourself? How do you pick yourself back up and feel okay? I could really use some pointers.
How to "move on" after verbal attacks?
Submitted by AliceInBraids on 03/02/2016.
Prayer Works
Submitted by Delphine on
I've been observing on this board and am finding it helpful. I am not married to an ADHD man, but I lived with one for six years, and we had a son together, who is now grown and
was living with me the last four years. Not long after he came to live with me (he had been living with his dad, stepmom and brothers), he was diagnosed with ADHD and got on a stimulant med. I am also thinking my mother, now deceased, was ADHD, undiagnosed, since there wasn't the awareness of that back then. So you can see that ADHD has been a big part of my relational experience. Even so, the issues of sharing the apartment with my son who is my only child, have often thrown me for a loop. The chaos, distraction, lack of cooperation with housework, forgetfulness, (apparent) inconsiderateness...we all know the drill. But I had never experienced the extent of the short fuse and sarcasm that surfaced in the last year or so. He hasn't been verbally abusive in the ways you describe, but he's been acerbic enough that it's a bit of a shocker to me. I've asked myself, is this the thanks I get for giving him a home and financial support? He's a freelancer and gets gigs, but it's by no means a steady income.
So anyway. For many years now, I've been a student of metaphysics and the concept that we literally create our reality, through our consciousness and focus. Thus, I have to conclude there is something in me that has drawn these ADHD experiences, including with my son. I really can't get away from that. Either I do create it all (or more appropriately, generate it all from within) or I don't. If all of this is founded on my consciousness, what can I do? That's right. Change my consciousness. That's what prayer is really all about: lifting our consciousness up and out of whatever problem we are facing.
Melissa Orlov advises focusing on ourselves, becoming the best that we can be, and that our partner will have no choice but to follow. I would say, to follow, or to leave. The relationship will improve, or the separation will happen naturally, as our vibrations will no longer be compatible. When we are embroiled in a difficult relationship, whether with an ADHD person or anyone else, we are part of the equation. We have our own part to play. There can't be a tormentor without a victim, and vice versa. Stop playing the victim, and the tormentor will change or leave. Sometimes both.
One of the prayers I used and still use almost constantly is the Ho'oponopono mantra. "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you." This may sound quite cryptic but it is an appeal to our Divinity to cleanse us of the repeating memories from our subconscious (what Ho'oponopono says is the basis of all our issues), and bring inspiration. It's not about blaming ourselves but it is about taking responsibility, which opens the way for absolution and healing.
Another one is, I guess, more properly called an affirmation. "Every day in every way I'm getting better and better." I repeat this 20 times every day before I get out of bed. I intend to start doing it before bed, also. This is an "oldie and goodie" that has a long history of success.
Some reading on Ho'oponopono: http://www.thereisaway.org/Ho'oponopono_cleaning_meditation.htm
And on "Every day in every way...": http://gordonsander.com/2000/04/day-by-day-in-every-way-i-am-getting-bet...
My son moved out yesterday. It took him days to sort through all his stuff, organize, move or pack it away, and I had many anxious moments of wondering whether he'd finish in time for the new roommate to move in, but he did it. He's going to live with his girlfriend who cares for him very much. He and I are on good terms. He is doing his best to work through his issues and to be there for me as much as he can. He can still get irritable and make snide remarks, usually when he is stressed and tired, but I just don't take it personally. I know it's his ADHD speaking, and the sooner I can allow myself to move on from it (with a little help from Ho'oponopono), the sooner he can get back to his genuine, sweet, lovable self.
Delphine Something You Said Here
Submitted by kellyj on
I've said this in my own words before and have arrived at the same conclusions you have.
What caught my eye (in my own words) "To be a Victim....there always has to be a Villain." I think sometimes....there really are Villains...but mostly they only exist in our own heads. Change the label or the construct of "Villain" in terms of another person....and suddenly, the Victim disappears as well. You can't have one without the other...I totally agree.
J
Thanks for your reply J and
Submitted by Delphine on
Thanks for your reply J and for understanding my pov. I agree the "Villains" exist in our own heads. That is exactly the point I was making, that it's all self-created. It is a play we are acting out,and scripting! Just as the Bard said: "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts,..."
One of my favorite spiritual sources advises us, re situations that are dissatisfying to us: "Tell a new story." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZY4PPvdiUg
Satori Delphine
Submitted by kellyj on
I want to go where ever that was filmed.....like tomorrow! lol I with you here.....and I subscribe to this way of thinking. For me..... it came from a very personal experience I had that I cannot really explain.
Please don't ask me how....it just happened? There is quite a story to go along with it but that wouldn't serve to really say how other than it just happened and that's all I know.
And you know it when it happens and there's just no way to really describe it other than the only way I know how (as I have in the past )
" like putting your hand on a hot stove element....you don't question that your hand is burning and what you feel.....you know it just like that...it's that real"
or
" Picture yourself as a radio....and you're fiddling around trying to get a station to come and and you accidently tune into the universe and instead of coming through your speaker the station actually connects with you "live, in real time" just to show you it's there. As long as you stay tuned in.....you stay connected. But even after you turn the radio off.....you always know it's there from that time moving forward even if you never find that station again."
That was a description I used when I wrote a paper about this experience because I literally took a college course to figure out what had happened to me? I had no idea and was not particularly spiritual or religious at the time. In fact.....I would say agnostic when it happened. I had pretty much thrown most of what I had been taught about religion in the toilet and had thrown my hands up in disgust..
Only to add....it happened at the most unlikely of times, in the most unlikely of places and I wasn't seeking or searching for anything...that how much I was not trying to make it happen. In other words.....I did nothing....it just happened. It was great!!! Best thing that has ever happened to me...Barr None. lol
My research led me to find out what had happened and here are some descriptions of it I took off the internet...
The only way that one can "attain" Satori is through personal experience.
Attunement
being or bringing into harmony; a feeling of being "at one" with another being. Replace "being" with "universe"....that's Satori
The dharma-body universally fills the dharma-realm. Neither the body nor the mind ever fails to be present everywhere.
"Way" refers to "unhindered way." The [Garland] Sutra states, "Those unhindered throughout the ten quarters have gone beyond birth-and-death upon the one way." "One way" is the one unhindered Enlightenment. "Unhindered" means to know that birth-and-death is itself Nirvana. Such Dharma-gates as this one teaching entrance into non-duality reveal the unhinderedness of Enlightenment.
For what it's worth, I can tell you, it's very real and totally possible. Just Don't ask me how.....I'm the wrong person to ask because I don't know how myself? lol
J
Thanks for sharing...
Submitted by Delphine on
Thank you for your caring
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
Thank you for your caring response! I also believe in the power of prayer and your post has given me some inspiration on how to utilize my faith more effectively when I'm really struggling. Best of luck to you and your son!
You are welcome!
Submitted by Delphine on
I'm glad you found my remarks helpful, AliceInBraids (love your name)! Thanks for your good wishes, same to you and your hubby!
verbal attacks
Submitted by NonADHD on
Hi,
“When we argue he has a tendency to scream that he hates me and wants me to leave” .I go through the very same scenario with my wife when she explodes in a rage. As non-ADHA’s, we MUST avoid and manage this at all costs. There are two ways, 1) we must be able to STOP any pattern that’s going to lead that conversation into the early stages of the rage, and 2) we need to get our ADHD spouse to agree that there is a problem and if we can both work on prevention, then managing the explosions may be easier. In the beginning, when I was ignorant of the effects of ADHD and I heard these verbal assaults from my wife, I just thought it was normal to defend myself and debate. But as I witnessed the inability to control her emotions and witness an explosion of rage at me, each time, I started to be careful of my actions that may set this off. I have read on here there is a higher success rate of prevention if both parties agree to work on it, via counselor, books etc. Melissa Orlov had this very issue and writes about her ADHD husband agreeing to work on it. If the ADHD spouse refuses to work on it, this is denial, then the next step is for the non-ADHD spouse to take some form of action such as; distance, removal, absence, change, become hard to get, change your inner instincts even if that means the extreme. Unless you want to be the victim and become helpless.
Thank you for your response,
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
Thank you for your response, that makes a lot of sense. My husband actually opened up for a long, open conversation last night and I gained some new insight. He told me that he loves me more than life and it would kill him to lose me, but he tries to push me away for my own benefit because he does not know how to communicate with me or be there for me. In this most recent case of fighting, we were trying to get custody of our 4 year old twin neice and nephew who are in foster care. Yes he struggles with ADHD but we do have a loving home with bills paid and food in the fridge etc. And we love the kids very much. Anyway we were denied due to his mental health history (suicide attempt in November of 2014). Not surprising but still very heartbreaking as they will now stay in the system indefinitely. Instead of facing this as a couple, he turned on me right away and turned it into an even bigger heartache. When we were discussing it last night, he said to me "I am afraid to feel those emotions because I can't regulate them so I just put walls up". I asked him, "but then who is left outside the wall with me? Every time there is a tragedy or stress I am also facing loneliness and heartache automatically. Can you see how I could feel that way?" And I could see by the look in his eyes that it had not occurred to him before. I don't understand how that could be, but he has promised to try to change it which is BIG for us. For him to even acknowledge that. He said that when we fight, he feels inadequate and is expecting me to leave anyway because he does not provide x, y, or z so he feels in the moment that its better to have control and force me out. I explained to him that I am NEVER leaving, and that it might be better for him to try working on open communication when he is stressed, instead of deciding for himself how I will feel/react. Like he felt so awful about the kids that he assumed I wouldn't want him anymore and that's why he tries to kick me out. Which makes me so sad for him that he would feel that way. So for now we have agreed that he will work on being brave in the way of being open with communication even when it is scary/uncomfortable for him, and I will work on walking away immediately when he is lashing out. Since the lashing out also leads to more feelings of self-loathing after he calms down. The reason he does not express his regret to me, he says, is because he doesn't want to have me dwelling on it or still thinking about it. So. We are getting somewhere with both of us understanding why this happens.
Good exchange you had with hubby
Submitted by Delphine on
Glad he is opening up to you about these things. Sounds like you two are really getting somewhere here. Sad about your twin niece and nephew. Adoption criteria are too unbending IMO. I hope you get to spend time with them.
Thank you - our experience
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
Thank you - our experience with CPS has not been great, to say the least. But that's another story for another forum.
Sweet! Alice:)
Submitted by c ur self on
You hit the nail on the head
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
You hit the nail on the head there with Acceptance over Expectations! Big time & that is something we are both learning.
Your experiences seem typical.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I can't answer for everyone, but the no apology thing, and the regret when they have conflict with others...Is 100% typical. I don't know why it's that way. But my guess is they know you know them for who they really are...But they need others to feel good about them...I think much of it goes back to their low self-esteem...Its sad what ever the true reasons.....
But, my advice to you is the same I give myself in these matters...Continue do your best to forgive...But, also I will add here, you must ask yourself ...What will stop this? I only have two choices in my view. leave or just ignore and take no part in all the things that is a sure bet to cause this spirit to rise up....When a person is a spouse to a someone that is so volatile, you have to loose your neediness and desire to engage them in many ways we normally wouldn't think twice about....Your marriage can never look like "the image of love we have in our minds" of two people honoring the role they committed to in their vows...There will never be real closeness, because you can never trust a person who can turn on rage like a light switch...If a person continue's to ignore the signs, the reality of their spouse's way of living, and continues to try and force this (image) closeness...Then eventually it will take you over and you will be the angry, bitter person who can't control the rage that will setup shop in your heart. My suggestion...Just live your life, be thankful, love your husband, But, understand his awareness level isn't up to you!....Don't let your psychological and emotional state deteriorate any farther....There is a place of peace!
C
Thank you! <3
Submitted by AliceInBraids on
Thank you! <3
know who you are
Submitted by ladylamb on
know who you are. and realize hes actually attacking himself. people put others down to exalt their ego. the ADHDer does not see other people's feelings