Husband refuses to even consider that ADD is a problem in our marriage. It has come to the point that if he texts he will be home in 10 minutes that may mean 10 minutes or an hour so I no longer trust what he tells me. It came to a head yesterday and rather than take ownership, he asked why I did not contact him to confirm his arrival time. No more! I am done covering and making HIS life easier due to his choices.
I truly love him and after over 40 years of marriage do not wish to divorce, but neither do I wish to retire from my job not even having an idea of our financial future since he is unable/unwilling to even have that discussion. How does one move forward with future planning if partner is NOT part of it? I feel as if I have to do all of the planning, bill paying, and anything else that takes adult thought. He is actually brilliant so I struggle with the fact that he is unable to see the destruction he leaves in his wake.
I am so tired of him saying "I understand" or "I apologize" when that means nothing changes in future but more understanding and more apologies. He insists each time that he will improve the situation but that rarely occurs.
I fully realize my patience is at an end. Is best option to set boundaries to the point that I feel as if I am not even in a loving relationship? Guess I will go back to therapist to try and determine how to move forward since I am on my last nerve at this point.
I FEEL YOU/IN THE SAME BOAT
Submitted by kosty on
WOW, I COULD HAVE WRITTEN THIS MYSELF. MY HUSBAND OF 20 YEARS, IS THE EXACT SAME WAY. I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE EITHER. HE IS IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS ADHD, BLAMES ME FOR EVERY THING, HE SOMETIMES SAY YES I WAS WRONG, BUT RARELY. HE ALSO SAYS I UNDERSTAND, BUT NOTHING CHANGES. I TOO HAVE JUST WONDERED HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO WORK ON THEMSELVES. I HAVE BEEN ON A YEAR LONG JOURNEY FOR MYSELF TO GET BACK TO THAT HAPPY PERSON I USED TO BE. I'M FINALLY THERE BUT THERE ARE TIMES I JUST GET SO FRUSTRATED WITH HIM, AND SAY WHAT AM I DOING HERE, WOULD IT BE MORE PEACEFUL WITHOUT HIM??? THEN I SAY NO I WOULD MISS THINGS ABOUT HIM. I ALSO HAVE TO DO ALL THE PLANNING, BILL PAYING AND ANYTHING THAT TAKES AN ADULT THOUGHT. IT REALLY USED TO BOTHER ME BUT NOW I JUST SAY OK IT IS THE ADHD, AND HIS BRAIN JUST CAN'T HANDLE WHAT MINE CAN, SO I ONLY GIVE HIM THINGS THAT I KNOW HE CAN HANDLE, YES IT PUTS MORE ON ME, BUT IF I REALLY THINK ABOUT IS IT REALLY MORE, I HAVE BEEN DOING IT ALL FOR 20 YEARS, PLUS NOT SURE I WOULD REALLY WANT HIM TO MAKE DECISIONS ON MY FINANCIAL FUTURE, OR PAY THE BILLS, ECT. LOL. I HAVE BEEN IN THERAPY FOR OVER A YEAR NOW, AND IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL FOR ME AS IT IS AT LEAST A SOUNDING BOARD FOR ME TO RELEASE ALL MY FRUSTRATIONS.
I KNOW MY HUSBAND LOVES ME, SO THEN I SAY WELL WHY DOESN'T HE DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIS ADHD, BUT HE IS A MAN AND THEY THINK TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WOMEN. I'M SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM, HE IS 64, I'M 57.
I HAVE MADE PEACE WITH MY DECISION TO SAY WITH HIM, AND WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF, THAT IT IS THE ADHD, AND HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY DIFFERENT.
I'M SO GLAD FOR THIS WEBSITE, BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH.
HEAR IF YOU NEED TO TALK, VENT ECT.
What to do?
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks for the comments. I realize there are others experiencing the same situation, but I just need to know how to navigate it without destroying myself. I am going back to a therapist we have both seen previously, but will not even mention it to my husband as he is so overwhelmed with other issues that he believes he does not have time/effort to work on other things.
The most distressing part of this scenario is I just feel it is very unfair for him to act as if his behavior/actions have no effect on me or anyone else. Maybe I am asking for fairness where t does not even exist. I am now thinking that if I want something (secure financial future, vacation, etc.), I will have to plan/do on my own due to his unreliability. It just makes me very sad to think it has come to this. It is almost like living with someone with an "addiction" who refuses to acknowledge the problem.
3/11/23 - Today, by opening mail, I discovered husband is closing out his retirement account to (once again) cover a shortfall in his business. His response was that he intended to speak to me. He also stated he had not mentioned it previously as he was protecting me from additional stress. I am NOT a child and do NOT need his protection! I now understand that if I need a stable financial future, it requires me to plan without him, even if we are married. This is certainly not what I thought a relationship would look like.
Check with a lawyer
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
In many states it's not possible to 'plan my financial future without him even if we are married' because you are responsible for his debt and he would have rights to your money (much of which may be considered joint in your state). I'm not suggesting you get divorced, but I am suggesting that you look at this issue from a place of knowledge. A lawyer can lay out your rights for you.
Have already consulted with lawyer
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thank you for the comment. I did consult with a lawyer some months ago. There is nothing I can do to protect myself in marriage as all assets are considered joint under the law, even if in my name only. Lawyer only offered to do post nuptial agreement in case of divorce.
I have already set aside some savings and retirement accounts in my name only so at least husband is unable to have immediate access for his business. I will continue to research what else I may do to protect myself.
My husband is the most generous person I know, but he acts more concerned about his business/client welfare than our financial future.
I would appreciate your advice--how can I support my husband as he continues to insist he will change his behavior (lack of follow through, not keeping appointments, never discussing finances) but consistently does not do so? I wish to help him, but am unable to do so when he does not appear to believe there is even a problem.
Urgent vs. important
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
One of the aspects of ADHD is that the thing that feels most 'urgent' gets more attention than the thing that is most 'important' but is further away. It has to do with chemistry and motivation...not a comment on you personally...just the way the ADHD brain functions. But still a drag when it comes to protecting your money.
How to workaround
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
How does one work around the urgent versus important? After 40 years, I have tried all I know, and husband just thinks he needs to keep working on it to make it better....obviously that has NOT worked.
I am going back to counselor next week to help me cope with this situation. I feel anxious and on edge due to uncertainty and chaos around me.
Post Nuptial
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You may want to take the lawyer up on that agreement just in case you need it.
In my 20 years married to an ADHD man, I found that it was easy to say words like "I'll change." Intent may have even be there. But actions? Actions are the hard part and there was never follow through. And I tried every way around it... I could not get him to see the problems the ADHD created, nor could I get him to take any action to improve the situation. He had to be on board for change to happen and he wasn't. It was a brick wall all around. The avenue left for me was boundaries, since I could control those, but those boundaries put up even more walls between us. How is there a relationship when all you have are walls to protect yourself from a partner's actions? And sometimes boundaries aren't enough protection anyway. Like in the case of financial abuse (intentional or unintentional). Closing out a retirement account secretively to cover a business shortfall secretively is not okay. You should not have to fear your security in your retirement years. I wonder if another lawyer might be able to provide other solutions. Like creating more accounts where he can not access funds without both signatures. Or if your husband's business is a losing proposition and you've given him years to make it work, maybe it's time to insist that he take a job with a stable paycheck instead. Enough is enough. Friends of mine went through this. One partner was entrepreneurial, but was running their shared finances into the ground. The other partner put a timeline on it that they both agreed to ("If it's not earning a stable living by DATE, you will get a job."). Boundaries being what they are, she even got him to sign his agreement on paper. Now they both bring in a paycheck. A sad and unfortunate way to "do business" with a partner, but it kept her in her house and they are clawing their way back to stability.
Well, here is what I'm doing since the recent issue on Saturday
Submitted by kosty on
First I would like to say I hope you know you are not alone, and yes this is so difficult to navigate, as I too feel it is so unfair that my husband isn't taking ownership of his own issues, and it is very sad that it has come to this, and yes we are living with a person who has a brain issue and refuses to acknowledge it. I too hate when my husband treats me like one of his mentally ill patients, like a child and I also say I don't need his protection, but that is what the male does, they try and protect. I read a great book, it is called How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, I just finished it, and boy did I have so many AHA moments with it. I plan on rereading it. I also have to say the books that have been suggested on this website have help a ton too.
Anyway just want to tell you a little about what happen to me on Saturday and how I have decided to move forward from it.
Saturday my husband asked me to help him fix some photos on his computer as they were coming up fuzzy, so I was trying to figure out how to do it, and used his Google search bar, what comes up him looking at single family homes, (just a little back story, he said he wanted a divorce in November, but did nothing about it, after I said I didn't want one) anyway, I said to him hey I'm noticing that you are searching for single family homes, and then I said Phil I don't think it is fair that you blind side me, he then said no your right, we ended up taking for about 6 hours. He had therapy for the first time on Friday, and when I asked him how it went, his answer was ok, but not good for our marriage, and I guess not as he was searching for single family homes. Unfortunately, the conversation went with him being angry at me for all the years I verbally abused him, due to me not knowing how to handle his ADHD, (I said ok I own that and I'm sorry) but I can't control you not taking responsibility for your own actions, your unhappiness, you not being content here, ect. I won't bore you with more of the conversation, the outcome was he said he would work harder on himself, mind you he didn't say he didn't want a divorce, but who knows maybe with him saying he will work on himself that is what he meant.
I just wanted to let you know about Saturday's incident so you can see how I have decided to move forward with it.
I spoke with my therapist yesterday, whom I have been seeing for over a year now, I can see she is even getting frustrated with him just blaming me for everything and not taking on his responsibility, but he said that is not why you are here you are here for you, so lets concentrate on that and here is what I'm doing moving forward.
I have decided I still don't want a divorce, we do have things in common that we like, and I like the companionship. It is not my responsibility to regulate his emotions, manage his insecurities, pacify his inner wars, heal his wounds, do his inner work, and be the version of you in his mind.
I'm going to continue on my journey of living in peace, happiness, being the person I was when I first married him, learning as much as I can and how to deal with it for me about his ADHD, going to a lawyer to protect myself financially in case of a divorce, I ike I said I have been working on myself and I'm a changed person, and he has said to me I see that, I said well I appreciate that, but you can not keep bring up what I did in the past and keep blaming me for that you either have to forgive me or not. I told him I have forgiven you for all the times you have lied to me, but I won't let you make me feel bad anymore for things that I'm not doing. If I'm doing something wrong you need to tell me about it, and if you can't do that well that is on you. I'm not responsible for you, only you are. So I'm hoping he will keep going to therapy, and he will work on himself, but if not that is not my problem. I just have to take care of me and be happy when we do come together like watching our tv shows, enjoying the same foods, going to movies, plays ect. On the divorce issue, I'm leaving that alone, as I'm happy, I don't want a divorce, if he wants one he will need to come to me and let me know. I'm not afraid to get one if that is what he wants. I'm going to a lawyer, just so I can know where I stand financially if it does happen, and I won't feel so anxious.
I know it is only Tuesday, but he seems like he is trying, and that makes me happy because I want his journey to be a happy one.
I hope this has helped you, and if you need to ask a question please don't hesitate, I think the key is we need to take care of ourselves, learn more about how to handle their ADHD even if they don't want to for our own peace of mind, and just enjoy our own journey.
Thanks for sharing
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Much of what you wrote resonated with me. I too do NOT want a divorce, but am struggling with how to reconcile living with someone who truly does not appear to be capable of seeing me and my pain. I applaud you for being able to do what you are doing. I hope, with therapist's assistance, that I may reach the same point and be able to return to the person that I was. I will check out the book you mentioned as well.
I had envisioned us being able to travel and enjoy things together in retirement, but due to husbands inability to let go of his clients (and their needs) as well as his refusal to deal with his mobility issues, it does not appear that will occur. If I wish to travel, it must be on my own or with a friend.
Suggested by Melissa - Boundary Boss
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
Hi, thank you for sharing. I have been listening to more podcasts with Melissa Orlov in them and one of the common themes is she recommends the book, Boundary Boss by Terri Cole.
Also, would it be possible to see a different therapist? Because a fresh space might mean a better and more safe space for you. Perhaps finding a new one won't be, for a variety of reasons, and if they are a good therapist, you should be able to say that you need a fresh outlook and perhaps they can suggest someone? You need some space and time to figure out what's best for you going forward in regards to your financial future because it's yours too!!!! And those impulsive financial decisions are being made behind your back. I'm really sorry bc I know that's just so stressful.
Moving forward in grief
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
My therapist states I need to allow myself to grieve for the loss of the relationship that I never had -- one in which my partner is loving, respectful, and courteous; I find that very difficult but am going to try to do so. I do not wish to divorce, but now realize due to the inability of my husband to make any significant changes that it may be best to divorce so I am able to protect my finances. At least in that way, I could be assured that I would not be penniless as I retire. I am not certain how that would work on a day to day basis if I actually maintained a home and emotional relationship with my husband -- would I put house and all bills in his name and allow it to be his responsibility only? Then if he ran out of money, it would not affect me financially. It sounds pretty extreme, but I do not know what else to do to protect myself since my husband is extremely good at justifying any use of personal funds for his business/clients with no thought to the future except "he will make more money". I am unable to live with that reality. I do love him, but how to move ahead and yet protect "me"?!
Guess next move will be contacting a divorce lawyer.
Hi Neuchatel81,
Submitted by kosty on
Hi Neuchatel81,
Yes, I kind of went through that phase, I guess it was more anger than grief. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I'm not on the mortgage but I'm on the deed. I don't know how that would work if I were just to walk away, would he then get all the money if he sold the house or would I get half since I was on the deed, something to maybe ask you lawyer. I was also told my a lawyer that even if the bills are in his name I would still have to pay for half of them, credit cards ect. It is so hard to protect ourselves. I have a separate checking account, and found out that he can get half of that too, but if I take the money out in cash, he can't touch it. So what I'm doing is letting it reach $2,000.00 then taking the money out in cash. I'm having it taken out of my paycheck and direct deposited. Not sure if that helps you. But I would contact a divorce lawyer just to see what options are and then you can make your choice of divorce or not. I'm content happy, peaceful, have made peace with the fact that we are two different people, and I don't want divorce, and will just continue on my OWN journey. Let me know how you make out. Hugs
Kosty
What you say is true
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I admit that anger is a large part of what I feel--but how to grieve loss and not feel anger? How to reconcile I have a life partner that is unable to meet my basic need of feeling safe. I am just very sad today.
Struggling to grieve
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Realizing that after 40 years of marriage that nothing has changed, I am struggling to grieve what I do not have -- a marriage of mutual respect, support, and love. I have no doubt husband loves me, but I struggle with fact that he gives his courtesy and support to clients rather than me. It makes me feel as if I am not worthy of courtesy and respect. How do I move forward in a relationship in which I must protect myself at every turn--emotionally, financially, etc. I am just not certain how to do it.
I used to ask myself that same question
Submitted by sickandtired on
I agonized over the question of how could I be with someone I have to protect myself from. I had been with him almost 12 years and I survived that long, but I anguished about how future years would go being with him. I was almost 60. How would he treat me when I got old and possibly helpless due to my severe injury and arthritis? I had fallen in 2013 and he blamed me, was angry at me for being in pain and unable to walk! Then I realized the question should be WHY do you live with someone you have to constantly protect yourself from??? I feared that any future with him would be me fending for myself, and basically letting him neglect and abuse me, financially and emotionally. "But I've already invested almost 12 years! Was it for nothing???" Please don't get caught in this way of thinking... where you always come last, your happiness is sacrificed "for the good of the relationship". I kept asking myself if this is what I signed up for (of course not!). I wanted a happy life, a partner who we could help each other through life making each other feel special. 11 years had taught me that for whatever reason, ADHD, depression, selfishness... whatever... I could never put my guard down, relax, trust, or look forward to being with him. If you dread it when you hear him coming in the door that is your heart telling you he's not good for you. I chose to leave for my own physical and emotional health. You seem like such a kind person. You deserve to live in peace.... not in a perpetually defensive position. It will slowly kill your soul if you keep putting yourself last. You deserve a much better life than what you unknowingly chose. Leaving at any age is hard. It is worth it, however, because you get the peace in your soul back.
So sorry for what you have been through
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I appreciate you sharing, and am so very sorry you experienced such a lack of caring and empathy when you fell and were injured; it sounded like my Dad who had untreated issues his whole life (not related to ADD) so I understand entirely. Having grown up in that type of environment, maybe I was already looking for the same type of relationship?
I realize I need to protect myself, but I am not one who easily gives up or gives in. I keep thinking there must be a solution and I just have not yet come upon it. I am doing all I can to put the anger aside, but the sadness it causes is nearly overwhelming.
Husband has been dealing with a profession/job related deadline that was midnight of yesterday. He has been oblivious to all else. Will he now realize there are larger issues with our relationship that need to be addressed? I do not know. Due to experience with Dad, I feel as if I may not deserve anything different.
Sunk cost fallacy
Submitted by sickandtired on
I too had a father who didn't have much empathy or time for me. We were frequently going without because he needed cash to put into his struggling business. You should talk in depth with a therapist about why you think your relationship with your father makes you think that may be all you deserve in a partner.
Also, you say you are the type of person who does not "give up or give in" easily. I can say it was definitely not easy for me either, but the benefits of getting him out of my life far outweigh any advantages of keeping him. My health is better, my outlook on life is much improved, and my bank account is growing steadily without the constant withdrawals he would waste on buying junk. My home is not a mess of unfinished projects any more. Oh and only a few months after finalizing our breakup, I met a wonderful happy loving man who is now my husband. I would have never had the chance to spend the rest of my life with him if I had not "given up" on the relationship with my ex. I don't consider it "giving up". I consider my decision to end it with him as a rational inventory of what I knew he would be like in the future based on his past behavior. I just read the very insightful post on this forum about the Sunk Cost Fallacy, and it made me want to learn more. I found this article that explains the thinking processes involved in not being able to cut your losses in a bad situation: https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/the-sunk-cost-fallacy
Please don't give up on your own happiness.
Can relate
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I too did not want to give up. "Anything but divorce," was my unspoken mantra. I did not want to rip my daughter's life apart, split assets, sell the home I loved and figure out how I'd now afford to retire as a single mom with less than half her working life left. It turns out though, staying was much more detrimental to my mental and eventually physical health than leaving. Those were all things I could figure out single-handedly. Having a healthy marriage was something I could not do alone.
The person who had to "not give up" was him--and he had no interest in changing our dynamic. That was a hard pill to swallow. I could put everything I had into the marriage and ADHD-supportive strategies, but if he didn't change a thing on his end, how could I move the needle of dysfunction?
Neuchatel, it took me years and years to grieve this and I don't think I will ever fully come to terms with it. Even over two years out, I look at him and wonder how he could choose to lose his family rather than take a pill, see a coach or even try something simple like set alarms. He'd rather lose it all than look at his own issues or do the work and that is pretty devastating when I've given that relationship decades of my life. It's very normal to feel the deep sadness you're feeling. The consolation I can offer is that as long as you're moving forward with YOUR best interests in mind, know that the pain won't always be this strong.
Grieving
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
1Melody1 - appreciate your comments. I too feel "anything but divorce" so am struggling. I talked to husband last night to tell him I was moving forward to reduce my stress on financial issues. He told me he was unavailable to discuss but would talk later (that means never in his world). I told him if he did not talk to me later, then I would take steps on my own. He took that as a "threat"!?!? Once again, even when I am sharing MY feelings, it is all about him.
As you indicated, this will be a long process. I only hope I can see my way through it. Since 2019, we have lost 3 parents to advanced dementia, and now I call my 93 old mother each day (lives alone in family home) to check on her as she will NEVER call me even if she is ill. I feel as if I have aged 10 years.
I too struggle with how he does not wish to change. I am not certain he realizes that HIS actions could cause me to leave a bad situation.
I really feel this
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"...even when I am sharing MY feelings, it is all about him."
I remember a day in my marriage where I had a breakdown and just cried, "why am I not allowed to have feelings???" It was indeed all about him all the time and he could not even see me or my experience. It hurts.
"I am not certain he realizes that HIS actions could cause me to leave a bad situation."
This was true with my husband too. Even though before we parted for good, a few years earlier I approached him and said that I thought we should separate. It was like I'd asked him if he could please pass the salt. There was no real reaction and he went on as though I'd never said anything. I just think that in most marriages, if one partner drops a bomb like that, wouldn't some very significant conversations happen? Despite me saying this and vocalizing my unhappiness and wish to improve our "roommate" or "maid/tenant" relationship for around 10 years, he seemed genuinely shocked when I finally actively pulled the trigger on separating.
I am very sorry about losing your parents. What a hard time you've been through. Be kind to yourself.
Will try to be kind to me!
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I have spoken previously to my husband about separation/divorce, and his response has always been "whatever you want to do" as if it did not even involve him. Maybe he feels as if he has no control over situation? It is hard for me to say when he REALLY does not like to talk about his feelings at any time!
While we have been glad we have been here (in same city) to care for our elderly parents, it has taken a toll on us both. Starting in August 2017, we had 3 of 4 parents experience significant medical issues within 30 days. Within 2 months, all 3 were in residential care, and my husband had to obtain legal guardianship of both his parents due to dementia. It was the worse time ever. It took a lot of courage and stamina, but it was exceedingly difficult. Care did not end once in facilities, as we still dealt with their anger and medical issues due to guardianship; plus, I am an only child, Mom was unwilling to make decisions for Dad, so I had to deal with all for my father as well. I also put all of our parents through the VA system (both fathers were retired military), which was a feat in itself. I managed to get Dad to 100% disability and father-in-law to 70% -- both were exposed to Agent Orange in Vietnam. Both also allotted service connected deaths, so surviving spouses received additional benefits. While my mother-in-law died a year ago, my Mom is still living, so at least she is ok financially as a result.
I know a lot of children would have just "stepped away" from their parents (we even had some cops called by in-laws that told us the same), but we simply could not stand by and watch our parents harm themselves. It has come with a cost to us though.
I realize I am not kind enough to myself. I tend to take care of everyone else with no thought to me. That needs to change. Hope I am up to the challenge!
Still recovering from childhood
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I know all too well that I continue to fight the feeling of being less than deserving due to my father's treatment of me during childhood. What I did in school (5 As and 1 B] was never good enough. It took me a long time to realize he probably had some mental disease issues due to how he was treated in his family, but due to not being able to change (or not wanting to) it was always a bad situation. By the time he was in his 80s, he continued to abuse Mom verbally, and it only got worse with dementia. At least I had the backbone to step in when he became so physically incapacitated that Mom struggled to care for him at home, and I got him into a VA Medical Foster Home for residential care. He was there for 2 years before dying of heart failure and advanced dementia.
I will consider what you mentioned about sunk cost fallacy. Thank you.
Sending you a hug
Submitted by sickandtired on
I can so relate to your experiences with your father. I was a "failure" in his eyes because I made one B. He was verbally abusive too, and it got much much worse with his dementia. My mother was an Angel who was too meek to stand up to him and I had to intervene to protect her. I was their live-in caregiver for almost 5 years. I was talking to my best friend about those times with my dad, and I finally put it into words how I felt about him... of course I loved him, but I could never talk to him about my feelings because I couldn't trust him not to hurt me. Like when one of my professors in college sexually harassed me and fired me from my student summer job because I refused to sleep with him, my dad said, "I don't want to hear about your sex life!" I took it like he was implying it was somehow my fault. Those are the kind of statements that stick in your mind and scar your soul. I think I put up with a lot of emotional abuse from my first husband who cheated on me because of those types of statements from my dad. My husband was an airline pilot who cheated on me constantly and gave me STD's. I went to therapy and even contacted a private detective to follow him in my effort to find out why he was doing this. I was convinced I could find a solution to his problem. I remember the private detective asked me WHY I wanted to spend money to hire her when I knew he was cheating... "why do you still want him?", she asked. I pondered that for some time, and then decided to pay for a divorce lawyer instead. She was right... no matter how hard you try to breathe some life into your relationship or try to fix it, you can't do it alone, and if he's not trying, nothing will change no matter how hard you work at it. I sincerely hope you are not feeling the same way (miserable, ignored, unloved, financially unstable) 10 years from now. I hope something changes in you and you have a much better life then. You say you don't believe in divorce. Can you please share with us what your fears are about going through a divorce? Is it religious beliefs, fear of shame, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown??? Please ask yourself, what is making you choose living with him over divorcing him and starting a new life????
Divorce
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I appreciate your sharing. It is not that I do not believe in divorce; I simply wish to ensure I have given the relationship every opportunity to succeed. Just bought a book "Should I Stay or Should I Go" that I hope will provide me some clarity in this situation. I do find the prospect of divorce frightening. I am an only child, and only local family remaining is my 93 year old mother. Due to parental care over the past 6 years, as well as Covid, my social life has dwindled to nearly nothing. Work exhausts me each day, and I have lived with fibromyalgia for 20+ years. I have always tried to have a good attitude about life, but all of these things have started to pull me down.
I actually consider it a step in the right direction that I have purchased this book. I hope it is.
Fibromyalgia
Submitted by sickandtired on
WOW! I have fibromyalgia too, (as well as arthritis, heart disease, and severe asthma). I can tell you it definitely improved after I made my ADHD boyfriend move out of my house. Even though I had to lift heavy things by myself, the "weight" of all of that stress was gone and I was able to do things I never thought I could do.
It's interesting how you say you want to give your relationship every opportunity to succeed before you consider leaving. You have been trying to make this marriage work for 40 years. You need to ask yourself when is enough enough??? Maybe you should give him a deadline to do something to contribute to the well being of your marriage. You don't want to be lying in your deathbed with him off somewhere glued to his phone when you realize this is not the life you wanted or deserved. I'm sure you have tried everything in 40 years to help this situation. What has he done in your 40 years together to help your marriage and honor his wife?
I know fear of the unknown can be paralyzing. We tend to want to stay in our comfort zone telling ourselves we will be ok. Our comfort zone can be deceiving us however. As we continue in a bad situation, the world continues to move forward, and our options for survival decrease, like the older we get, the harder it is to survive alone. As I said before, I was 60 when I ended it with him. Don't get me wrong... it was very hard to end it with him, but I am so glad I did it at 60, instead of waiting until I was 70. Your man has shown you who he is, and it appears like he has absolutely no desire to change. It's very sad that when you mentioned divorce before, he responded basically saying "whatever you want to do" without any emotion or even promises to change, like he could just take or leave you. That is very cold. I'm sure that had to make you feel like chopped liver. You deserve so much more. Nobody can give you the life you deserve except yourself. You need to analyze what is keeping you frozen inside this cold, loveless comfort zone. I'm so glad you found this forum. You may not have any friends nearby, but at least you have found a group of folks here who understand your dilemma. Sending you another hug.
Is it enough?
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Sickandtired - thank you for your comments as they did clarify what I feel. I am certain the stress does not help my fibro. I do exercise on a daily basis and try to eat well, but that can only do so much. I know this is not the life I wanted. Therapist has told me I need to grieve loss of relationship I wanted or thought I would have, but it makes me so sad to consider that I feel as if I am in a deep dark hole.
I know that I do deserve more and appreciate this forum as otherwise I would probably be running down the street screaming. All I can do is to try and negotiate the situation as best I can and hope that I can find my true self again.
Opportunity/Hope
Submitted by kosty on
Neuchatel81,
I hear you when you say that you don't believe in divorce, and that you wish to ensure that you have given the relationship every opportunity to succeed, as I feel the same way. I"m sorry maybe you answered this already, but have you read both of Melissa's book's they were eye opening for me and helped me to realize how to handle things, even though my husband doesn't feel he has ADHD. I thought about reading that book too, but decided not to as I said to myself I know how I feel, I don't want a divorce, I'm happy/content so if he wants one he has to serve me with papers, until then I will do everything in my power to change me for the better, if it changes him so be it if not at least I'm living my life. I would love your thoughts after you read it.
I'm sure the lawyer was no help, as I have reached out to one also to protect myself, and was told the same thing you were that pretty much everything gets split in half. Have you consider taking money out of your checking and putting is away in cash. I have $30 a week come out and I put it in a checking account with only my name, once it is $2k I take it out in cash, and he can't touch cash, just a thought.
My husband does the same thing with time, but that is part of the ADHD, he used to tell me/text me I'm leaving in 5 mins, then 45 mins I would get a text I'm coming. It used to really bother me, now when he texts me I just say ok, knowing it is not true, and I just go on with whatever I was doing, like making dinner. He knows I like to watch the news, at 6pm, if he is not home by then I just leave the food out and he reheats it or if I'm almost done making his, (as we eat different foods), when he comes in the door at 5:55, I let him finish making his dinner, and I make sure I'm down watching the news. I just say ok see ya down stairs. He is never gets angry at me.
My husband on his own, started therapy about a month ago, I think that happened because I have totally changed, and now he wants to change. I'm not angry any more, I have found peace, and happiness within myself. I took a lot of work, but as soon as I stopped worrying about him and concentrated on me, everything fell into place.
I also find the prospect of divorce frightening, even though I have been through it before. My therapist asked me during one session, why do you want to stay married to him, my answer was, I like the companionship, I love him, and we do like the same things tv shows, food, dogs, outdoors.
Like I said it has taken me a year now and a lot of work on myself to get to my center, learn how to take care of me, and let go of him. I'm sure all that you are going through have been pulling you down, but you need to do gratitude everyday, that has also helped me when my negative gremlins coming knocking in my head. I'm now trying to learn how to turn my negative thoughts into positive thoughts.
Please know I'm here for you if you need to talk, I too don't have any friends, but I feel I found one in you. So Thank you.
Kosty
Great response
Submitted by felicity on
Wow Kosty, that is such a positive post thank you. And so right, we have to stop thinking about them so much and concentrate on ourselves. I have had so many days when literally all I have thought about is how I navigate the issues caused by him and his particular way of seeing the world. I'm trying to get past that but it does take some work!
Work incredibly hard
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Husband and I did have a talk on Saturday about variety of things. It was very interesting to take a new look at how he perceives slights/insults in nearly all discussions. Once that occurs, he is very emotional and, at times, not even rational. I asked what plans he had made if his business is not self supporting (since he has long history of taking household funds to support business); he then proceeded with a "rant" of how he could become paralyzed, severely injured, etc.--it was very odd but this is his usual response. I attempted to stay calm, and finally he got around to saying something reasonable like his business needs an emergency fund.
It was SO MUCH work just to have a conversation with him. If one is looking for a slight, it WILL be found no matter what is said. He even argued with me over use of a word; had to pull out dictionary to show him usage was correct.
Husband says he is willing to go back to counseling but at this point I am uncertain that would help. He promised me information from our discussion by 5 pm yesterday (his deadline entirely) and as usual nothing was done. How does one deal with someone who has no courtesy or respect for me?
Sorry
Submitted by kosty on
The only thing I can say is I'm sorry. I too am in the exact same place.
I re read what you wrote, and the only thing I can say is well at least you were able to sit down and talk with him even though it was like pulling teeth, you did good by staying calm. Also maybe think of it this way, he is feeling shame since his business is not doing well. He did suggest an emergency fund, maybe you can say ok how do we go about getting an emergency loan ect in your name to help the business. If he bulks at that then ask your therapist for suggestions on how to proceed with him taking from your retirement, not sure how that would work.Since it was his idea for the 5pm deadline, maybe approach him today and say, hey honey do you have that paperwork ready, and just leave it at that. Don't forget people with ADHD have issues with time. I personally think that ALL men have issues sharing thoughts, feelings, ect it just in not in them to do so. My therapist had me go back to my husband's child hood, and boy now I can really see why he is so messed up, so that helps me give him some empathy. Both his parents were narcissist, and very mean to him. He could do nothing right, they didn't let him have any privacy always going through his things in his room, and throwing things away without asking. Now I see why he is a hoarder in a way, but that is also the ADHD. I also think he has something called RDS (Rejection Sentivity Dysphoria), look it up. You said that it was interesting to take a look at how he preceives things, I highly recommend you read the book how to improve your marriage without talking about it, I had so many AHA moments with it and it gave me such in site on how men and women think.
My husband doesn't respect me at all. We ended up in a few situations yesterday He asked my opinion on a rock wall that he was rebuilding, I told him my opinion, he then immediately started getting angry with me, since it was not the answer that he wanted. I immediately said hey you can't do that to me anymore, you asked me MY opinion and then you try and shove Your opinion down my throat. If you don't want to hear what I have to say don't ask me. Then I said this is something you have to work with your therapist, please. Then last night we got into an argument and of course I get the eye roll. I said why are you rolling your eyes, when you do this I feel like you are dismissing me. At that moment I said to myself hey are you going to let this guy ruin your night. I then turned to him and said ok your falling asleep which is ok, but I'm going to stop the movie we are watching and finish watching my movie I was watching last night, after that he feel asleep, and I didn't care as I was doing what I wanted to do. He has been very slow this morning, knows that I like to leave by 9:30 to go grocery shopping, it is now 9:28, and he is still not down, but I'm willing to say ok he has been on time lately so I will let him slide this time if he is a few mins late.
I don't know if this is allowed but I also joined a group on FB, Wives with Husbands with ADD and who want to stay in the marriage, it has been helpful to hear how other women deal with things.
My therapist told me when I said how do I deal with someone that doesn't respect me, she said just take care of you and your happiness.
I feel that it is up to me to live my best life for the rest of my life. My husband has so many issues, but I have decided to except them, try and co-habitate the best way I can with him that is good for me. I'm trying to change my mindset to, and just started to do meditation, which has been very helpful. I also got the Presence Inspiration Display, which starts and ends my day off great.
Sorry I know this was long but just trying to help.
Hugs and Kisses, here is you need to talk.
Kosty
More apologies
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
I did speak to husband yesterday regarding missed deadline set up by him; once again he apologized but stated that he had set himself up to l by not thinking it through. I too believe men have a harder time sharing feelings. Husband grew up with very dominant mother (Dad often on military assignment so Mom had to hold down home) so am certain that played role in husband never learning how to budget, etc.
My counselor has told me too that I just need to take care of myself and my happiness. It is difficult to realize your life partner really only cares about themselves, not you. On some level though, I do know that I care too much and end up shortchanging myself.
I have been reading the book a out how to change marriage without talking about it. Some good stuff but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with all information on what I need to do. Small steps....
I'm very grateful for this forum, and your shared thoughts. Sometimes I feel as if this is the only thing keeping me sane.
How to handle discussion
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Kosty - I REALLY appreciate your comments! I have read Melissa's book and others many times over the past 10 years and see so much of my relationship in them. (I also downloaded Melissa's book on treatment options and gave it to husband; I am not certain he ever read it.). I have reread the books over and over, but since husband never moves forward I feel as if I am alone in trying to ameliorate situation. Guess the point is that I CANNOT--can only change myself.
I did speak to husband yesterday. When I told him I was no longer able to withstand this level of stress and will do what is necessary to protect myself he, of course, got angry. I calmly stated I was not certain what that may entail but if it was separation or divorce then I would have to consider all options. We plan to discuss finances tomorrow and I am already dreading it as I feel as if anything I say will be taken out of context. Yesterday he began to insist I had said things that I did not so I already know he is not capable of holding an "adult" discussion.
Realization that husband will not change is hard for me to comprehend. Past behavior does predict future, and he has shown me he will do all necessary to protect clients and business but just keeps telling me all will be fine with personal finances even though he continues to support business with household monies and no future planning. Somehow I feel stupid that this has not sunk in to convince me he will NOT change.
I too appreciate companionship, and with 40+ years together we have many common interests. I am attempting to find gratitude but it is exceedingly difficult these days. I am very busy each morning organizing day, cleaning up kitchen, taking care of dog, planning supper, and he is on his phone/iPad; two minutes before I leave for work he asks "what can I do to help you?; yesterday morning I told him that was useless to say when I am heading out the door!
I have a good friend close by, but she has never been married and I do not feel it is appropriate to burden her with this situation. I appreciate your friendship- thank you!
Book Should I Stay Or Should I go
Submitted by kosty on
Neuchatel81, Just wondering if the book has helped you. I'm having a lot of difficulty with my emotions right now. Just a quick back story why. On Sunday night I found him googling houses again, I said hey I saw you were googling houses again on your phone, of course I got hell for checking on him. I said why are we continuing this facade, he then said to me, well you know it is not working between us. He did smoke a little weed so maybe his feelings were coming out through that??? but that is no excuse either. Anyway he was a little high, that day, so now I'm thinking did that have something to do with his feelings. This also is not the first time he has said this to me. I have asked if anyone else has had this happen to them, and a lot of people have said yes, their husbands say things like this or I don't want to be with you anymore, but just don't do anything about it. Hear is where my feelings get confused. He kissed me like nothing happened like he always does before bed. Next morning he gave me a hug, like he always does before I left for work, came home in a good mood. I know this has to do with his ADHD, and depression, but geez how does the non-ADHD regulate there emotions, it is so frustrating. I have a Non-ADHD meeting today and I'm going to bring this up, and see what advice I get.
I normally get sick to my stomach when he does this, but this time I didn't I just said ok, now I really have a decision to make, do I want to stay in this marriage like this always wondering if he is going to serve me with divorce papers or leave. There is no trust in our marriage. The other thing that is making a decision of divorce is I love this house and property, we have two koi ponds, which is my sanctuary during spring, summer & fall. It is also a great property for our 5 dogs. We have no kids.
I was emailing with my therapist yesterday, who I don't know if she can help me anymore, as I can see she is getting frustrated with him as he is not willing to work on himself. It is funny as we had just talked about what gives me anxiety, and that was when I check on him and find something I don't like, so we decided I won't do it anymore for myself worth. But Sunday, it was like someone guided me to his phone to check, very weird. Anyway here are the questions she said I should ask myself: What does lack of trust and safety in this relationship effect you? What is within your control to make you feel emotionally safe and content with your life (with or without this marriage). Well guess I have a lot of thinking to do today, and I'm still going to meet with the divorce lawyer. Also the housing market is not great right now, and the interest rates are crazy, so I have to maybe wait and stay to do what is good for me financially.
I have Tuesday off, he just came down stairs in good mood, I said how did you sleep he said good until two in the morning when I could not shut my mind off. He has been having a lot of trouble with this lately, so don't know if he is fighting his feelings too, but that is something that I can't worry about.
So just wanted to know is the book any good, that is what my main question was. LOL.
I'm sorry I know this is long, but that is what this support group is for, and I feel I have made a friendship with you, and you understand what I'm going through since we have the same issue.
Kosty
Book review
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Kosty - I did get the book, glanced through it, and determined it was not appropriate for me right now. (I ordered it on Amazon and just sent it back for a refund, so you could do the same if you wish to check it out.) Guess part of it involved just more "work" for me, and I have all I can handle currently. My co-worker's sister had a massive stroke 3 weeks ago (has been in ICU all that time), and it now appears she will not be recovering; as a result, my workload has increased but I am glad to assist.
I know what you mean about husband's emotions - we can have an argument, husband will apologize, and then he acts as if nothing has ever occurred (no sadness, upset, etc.). It is as if he has a switch he can turn on and off. Of course, that also means most likely he will not remember what caused the argument or what he told me he would do in future!
I too understand not wanting to leave due to other factors (property, dogs, etc.). We have no children, just a dog, and have been in the same house for 39 years. We need to get a smaller more accessible house since husband has a neuromuscular disease and has mobility issues; doctor has recommended leg braces to help him walk, but he had braces for years as a child and realize it is difficult now for him to go back to them. He has had several prescriptions over the years for braces but has yet to make an effort to get any; it almost pains me to see him struggle to walk in the house as I know braces would at least stabilize him. He also falls a lot, and injures his feet many times (but refuses to wear shoes in house to protect his feet from injury).
My husband too has issues with sleep. He has been a night owl since college (where we met), was accustomed to pulling all nighters frequently to meet deadlines, but now that has become a real issue. He "tries" to get to bed earlier, but it just never happens. It does not help that he will frantically work on computer till minute he goes to bed, then is unable to shut off -- I would not be able to do that either.
What is within your control to make you feel emotionally safe? I too am wrestling with this issue right now. I try to compartmentalize what I need from husband's needs, but it is not always that simple. A big issue for me is finances - I have always been the bill payer and the one concerned with savings and retirement. As I am now 64, this is a priority as I do not wish to retire from my job only to find out I do not have enough money for living. I am very frugal due to my upbringing, but husband will spend as if he has all money in the world with no thought as to what may be due this month or next; he only knows that he needs/wants it now and must have it or, in his mind, has a very good justification to do so.
Question for me: is the relationship work all of the very hard work I must do? I do not know. I kind of had a breaking point this week, husband said he would "help" and I told him that he just needed to do things rather than talk about them. I am exhausted and worn out.
Thank you for your comments and sharing. It does help to know I am not alone in this situation. I just wish there was a magic answer at this point! I have a therapist appointment next Monday and my homework was to grieve for the relationship I do NOT have -- not certain that grief will ever be over.
Just An Update
Submitted by kosty on
Good Morning Neuchatel81,
Thanks for letting me know about the book, I too think it is not right for me at this time too.
I'm so sorry to hear about your co-worker, I wish her a speedy recovery, sorry you have more of a work load now, but the lord I feel works in mysterious ways, maybe this is a way to keep your mind off of things, and just concentrate on you and your job.
It is so frustrating when you have an argument with them, and then the next day act as nothing is wrong, and I just don't think there is any answer either, except that I become peaceful, when I realize it is not my responsibility to regulate other people's emotions, manage their insecurities, pacify their inner wars, heal their wounds, do their inner work. I have to remind myself of this saying everyday, I have it on my phone, it is great and gets me back to my center. I also started to meditate, and that has been great for my anxiety.
I spoke with a divorce lawyer yesterday, not that I'm doing anything but I wanted to calm my anxiety. Here is what she told me, pretty much all monies, except inherited gets split in half. She told me to take the money out in cash, and close the checking account I have open for myself, as he can get half of that. She also told me that I need to make a decision before he retires at the age of 67, he is 64 will be 65 in June, or I will have to pay him alimony, which shocked me, I said there is no loop holes to that she said nope. I'm 7 years younger too. So that was eye opening, but kind of made me say ok I have a year, year and a half to decided, that's ok with me, and it gave me peace, in a way.
I think all women are concerned with money, and very few men are, and that is because we do the bill paying ect so we see where the money comes in and goes out. I did a chart one time for my husband so he could just see what was coming in and going out, I"m sorry I can't remember if it had any effect on him.
I too have had my breaking point with him saying the marriage isn't working, I'm exhausted with it as he isn't telling me why, so if it comes up again I will say, I want to know why you don't think it is working what is wrong, as we keep having this conversation, and see what his answer is, then I will need to make a decision on do I stay or go. The lawyer said I don't think your ready for divorce right now, plus with the interest rates, and housing prices, it isn't the time. She said you have a year and a half, more like a year to decided. So I'm going to keep working on myself, keep going on my journey, keep doing therapy, I'm in several support groups especially one here for Non-ADAD spouses, and it has helped to see what other people are dealing with. I'm going to join another one for the Month of May.
I hope you have a good rest of the week, Happy Easter, I hear for you.
Create plan for storing financial documents
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
As part of preparation for possible divorce in the future know that you will need documentation for all your financial accounts, assets, 401(k), etc. for the last four years. Come up with a plan to retrieve and then judiciously store statements for all accounts. You have time to methodically approach this effort. It is laborious but doing it comprehensively before lawyers are involved will save you a huge amount of money. (Paying lawyers' staff $100 per hour to shuffle paper adds up fast.) Expect no help from your husband and keep it quiet for as long as possible so as to minimize yet another Emotional Dysfunction Tornado.
Thank you
Submitted by kosty on
Thanks for the advice, I will definitely keep it in mind and start doing this.
Good Advice
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Thanks for the recommendation. Fortunately I am the organized one so I do know where all of the documentation is kept. My husband would be hard pressed to even realize where it is located since he does not really pay attention to those items.
Rewriting history
Submitted by swampyankee on
"Yesterday he began to insist I had said things that I did not so I already know he is not capable of holding an "adult" discussion."
I relate to this so much! It's why it's impossible to have a conversation in which he finally understand the cycles and behaviors that are breaking down our marriage.
I recently had an email exchange with my husband and he still managed to misinterpret what I actually said that was written down in plain English.
We had recently had what should have been a minor disagreement one morning (over who gets to use the bathroom first, of all things) and when I did not agree on his point of view and suggested another possibility, he immediately went to his go-to of name calling and personal attacks. I've begun calling him out on this behavior and also pointed out its cyclical nature (he can hold his emotional dysregulation in for about a month, but it always comes back out eventually). I've told him so many times that he can't call me names or I will refuse to talk to him until he can be respectful. So naturally he emails me and says "can we talk about this?" To which I replied: "I will only talk to you if we can have a respectful conversation with no name calling and no character assassinations."
Him: "You won't talk to me, you won't (or can't) acknowledge any responsibility for our misunderstandings, and you won't accept my apologies. ...I will respect your wishes." And then he proceeded to give me the silent treatment for three days, because that's what he does. Silent treatment doesn't really work out for him most of the time because we have kids and things need to be communicated. So when he fails to communicate he duplicates effort or shows up to places to pick his kids up when I've already arranged to have them go with someone else, and he ends up looking like an idiot. So then he drops it and tries to pretend nothing happened. Now he's back to talking to me and last night even called me "sweety."
In a few days we go back to the marriage therapist and I'm sure he'll tell her a fascinating, riveting story of what happened and will have by then successfully conflated events and timelines to make it appear as though it was all my fault and not him once again having in-appropriate, impulsive outbursts.
Sounds too familiar
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
Wow--this sounded exactly like what I experience on a daily basis. It is always interesting to see how husband can conflate a "conversation" into an "argument" simply because I offer an opposing view. After he offers apology (usually stated as he is sorry I am upset, not sorry for his actions), husband acts as if all is peachy.
I am so sorry your are e experiencing this situation as well. It makes me feel as if husband does not see what he does, only that I am upset and he has to move out of the situation as soon as possible by any means necessary, without resolving anything.
Husband did agree to see counselor again. Since we have seen same one since 2018 and he has yet to do anything recommended, I mentioned it may be a good idea to have a goal in mind before we go of what we wish to accomplish. Wrong thing to say as he thought that was stupid. OSS how he can be so very intelligent, but not realize he has done very little to improve his actions. I am still grieving.
I just dont get them
Submitted by kosty on
I just don't get my husband, again it was a great week things were going good at least that is what I thought, then yesterday, I checked his phone as something told me so, and he was looking at houses again. He knew something was wrong as I wasn't eating my dinner, and my mood changed. I knew I was in trouble because he would say to me there you go checking on me again. I said well if we had trust I wouldn't have to, but we don't. So I said to him hey we need to stop playing this game, if you want out tell me, then his face went blank, and I got, well you know things aren't working between us, third time he has said that to me. My philosophy is three strikes and your out, i did feel stick to my stomach because of fear of the unknown, but this time it didn't last. It was like someone was there saying, it will be ok. I really don't think my husband will ever change, he said to me he wants to go back to when he was single and he could do what ever he wants. Stay up late, smoke pot all the time. Well at this point unfortunately I think I'm ready to give him that. I have a zoom meeting tomorrow with a divorce lawyer, who said to me maybe you should take charge of the situation and file for divorce, and that has really stayed with me, as I'm a very strong women, and do I REALLY want to live my life like this, I just don't think so. I know he will be a basket case without me, but hey you get what you ask for. He at one time said well we can remain friends, I said nope, if we get a divorce we are done.
I feel bad as I know I have been preaching about taking care of myself and my happiness, and I think that is just what I'm going to do. I will keep you posted on how the meeting goes with the lawyer.
Hugs and Kisses
I feel for you
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Similarly, it was clear to me that my partner just didn't want to change. It was too much hard work. He loved doing as little as possible - why would he engage in medication and therapy that meant he had to contribute around the house, help with parenting and get a stable job? There was no perceived upside for him (or at least our relationship wasn't enough of an upside for him) and like your husband, mine wanted the lifestyle of a single man (though mine wanted to have that life while staying married). I initiated the separation two years ago after 20 years together. I can confirm he is living this life he wanted, free of having to work with the needs of another person and it seems to make him very happy. I feel like I did us both a favour.
Sorry you went through that
Submitted by Neuchatel81 on
1Melody1 - I am sorry you had to go through all of that after 20 years. It does sound a lot like my husband too. Funny how he is more than willing to do all necessary for his clients/business, but still unwilling to do that for our relationship. Maybe I am too afraid to see that this is not the place for me in future - only time will tell.