After being unemployed for way too long, and then screwing around with the hiring process for 3 weeks, DH is finally working.
But, like always, now that he isn't around all the time, I'm getting bombarded with the stuff he didn't do.
I feel like every time something good happens, I start grumbling. But it's justified. Yesterday he was sick at work, and I made him stay there (it was his second day. It was a virus or minor food poisoning. It hurt, you went to the bathroom a lot, but that was it.) Then he came home and went to bed without telling me he was even home. (We have two preschoolers. You need to tell the other parent what you are doing.) So day #2 of work and we're fighting.
Today is day #3. I sit down to work and find out he didn't pay the internet bill AND has overdrawn the bank account.
I really don't want to nag every single day, but how do I address the problems that keep coming up?
It's not nagging
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
When a responsible person finds out that her partner didn't pay the internet bill and has overdrawn the bank account, she must have a discussion with her partner. If her partner is defensive and tries to escape this important discussion by saying that she is nagging, that is really his problem.
Mothering just happens when we don't set boundaries
Submitted by c ur self on
It's basically impossible to not mother a spouse who lives like you state he does....This statement...** Yesterday he was sick at work, and I made him stay there** ...This made me laugh, it would make any responsible adult male laugh....What has happened to you (just like so many of us) based on your post is, you are attempting to Mother an adult, in the name of survival...It's common, so many of us find ourselves in the same state....But it never works, they feel disrespected, arguments easily pop up, and intimacy usually suffers or dies...Then everybody's miserable and looking for a web site to vent on...LOL....
A man must be respected as the man in every marriage...The women must be respected as the wife in every marriage...Only then can we share in life in a normal way, and normal interactions....But in your case, and many more of us here, we must do what it takes for that to happen....Boundaries!....Shared bank accounts with someone whom you can't trust to keep it balanced and solvent, is just asking for trouble...There is a level of ***good calm loving & sharing*** that can be done in most marriages... If, we are wise enough to separate out all the things that relate to our lively hood, and desired life styles, from theirs.....
Mothering will stop, accountability starts happening (Two respected adults show up)....I'm not stating to you that I am perfect at it...(not by a long shot)..But, I've done it enough, and over a long enough period, to make it a habit...(a very healthy one for my emotions) and to see her change for the better in being responsible in life....She didn't like it at first at all! lol...But the more I refrained from Mothering, and the more I walk away, even when I see she is over sleeping or forgetting something, the more reality hits her, and the realization set in, that she can't count on me to be her crutch in life.....
Many people who live haphazardly will talk negatively about a person who is organized and lives a controlled and orderly life...But deep down they admire it, because they can't do it....Also, they will start asking favors at a high level...They will take advantage of a loving helping hand....The first thing you know, they are seeking mothering one minute, then complaining about it the next...Why? Because once we get use to mothering (co-dependent) we start doing it unsolicited every time we see a problem...**We start thinking for them**....REALLY REALLY bad habit....It's un-survivalable if we are going to have any semblance of a healthy marriage....
Boundaries allows us to live free from negative effects, intrusiveness, and night and day differences....Once we get our lives separated by boundaries, only then, can we focus on mutual sharing in the parts on our marriage relationship that is possible for the reality we have.....In other words we find out if we truly love and respect the person we vowed ourselves to....
c
Flipping it
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
If they are intelligent enough to flip things around and make themselves appear the victim, then doesn't that mean that they're aware of what they're doing because "flipping it" is just a manipulation?
I have often wondered the
Submitted by Libby on
I have often wondered the same thing. Is the victim mentality not an intentional thought out thing? Whatever it is it sure stinks to be on the receiving end of it.
I have often wondered the
Submitted by Libby on
I have often wondered the same thing. Is the victim mentality not an intentional thought out thing? Whatever it is it sure stinks to be on the receiving end of it.
IMO, yes.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
Children learn very early on how to manipulate adults and get what they want. For example, the child who wants a toy or candy and the cycle of asking, asking, asking, bargaining, complaining, pouting, crying and even often anger (I hate you! You're a mean mommy! I never get to have anything!) that occurs. Sometimes if they keep it up long enough, Mommy gives in.
Or consider the faux surprise, denial and blame that happens when a teacher sees a kid in school do something bad and hollers at them to knock it off and they look around all innocent. "What?" "Who?" "I didn't do anything!" ... "Well, she started it."
People (adhd or not) may or may not know that the behavior is manipulation, but that's exactly what it is. We've all done it at some point, as kids..or what have you.. but when it becomes a chronic, destructive adult behavior that's a whole other ball of wax, IMO.
You are in the cycle 33.....
Submitted by c ur self on
(when i try to set boundaries my partner goes into defense, denial, victim mode where I am being labelled "abusive" and "berating" for trying to hold her accountable. it is very difficult for me to get my words to resonate, and i am trying to communicate more firmly using (dramatic) actions.
for example, on the first day of school meet-the-teacher, she lost track of time (iphoning, blow dry hair) and i had to make breakfast, lunches and bring kids to school, she arrived later. I get home end of the day, and mention her morning contribution to the household not acceptable for a stay-at-home with all kids in school...her excuse is one of the clocks was broken so not her fault (she was on Iphone half the morning)...the way i communicated "not acceptable", (probably with raised voice since it was too common occurence last school year), she is a victim who doesn't "feel safe"...)
The cycle is, come to the rescue (mother)....point it out w/ firm tones (emotion).....she has her excuse as soon as you open your mouth, (your emotion) so she can jump on the I never feel safe excuse, and never face the music of her actions, there by never having a reason to work on herself....Your the target....She's the victim of an angry husband.....Don't you see this simple cycle?? The game??
You had two choices under the circumstances (IMO). One feed the kids, pack their lunches or give them lunch money...Take them to school, go in meet the teacher, then leave for work...Never consider the no show wife...And never open your mouth about it, AND never let her drag you into a conversation about it, after the fact, because her conscience is bothering her, and she is in hopes you will get angry, so she can flip it (exonerate herself)....Don't you see how that works??
She isn't your child to consider...She's an adult who knew her responsibilities...Her iPhone has a clock on the home screen just like yours and mine....#2.... If she had committed to do breakfast, lunches and ferry the kids...Then let her......Go on to your job or what ever you were suppose to be doing....IF she had ran late on day 1, because of her lack of interest in her children's school schedules, that is fine....No one would be hurt over it, and she would have had to face the music of her actions....A good lesson!
But you let her off the hook by addressing it....Baling her out, then pointing it out, will NEVER help your situations....I'm a type A talker, lol,,,,If I can learn to walk away and let mine learn there is no crutch...So can you.....
My wife thought she was a victim to, when I stepped away from carrying her (baling her out of her irresponsibility) in these same kind of situations....But we are closer now than ever....One reason is because she was right about me...I needed to shut up, and stop pointing out what she either wasn't going to change, or has no ability to change....(She just didn't know that I was going to quit carrying her when I shut up, she don't like that part lol) ...Now she pays a little more attention to her responsibilities....And I am so much calmer husband....Life inside a heart and mind, is what it is....The only person who can help you is you!....Me is me!.....My wife and your wife...Them!...We can do ton's of damage w/ emotion and pointing out what we don't like....Or we can quietly walk away (let them face the music of their life choices and make sure we are doing what we should be doing as Father's and Husbands....Our jobs...
Blessings friend...
PS...keep the boundaries, and let your drama go....She here's you!...And even better than that, she will feel the effects of the boundaries....Boundaries aren't a weapon....They are to keep you both responsible....
c
the boundary helps you, your kids and (maybe eventually) her
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
In extension of c ur self's advice is the concept that by allowing the ADHDer to actively experience the consequences of her actions she 'may' become more aware that these actions/consequences are a real issue that is impacting HER life negatively and that might nudge her to manage the symptoms actively. Even if this never actually happens you manage to place the responsibility squarely back on her actions, still keep your kids' schedules moving forward (though clunky) and help lessen the stress you place on yourself. One step in front of the other...
H33, C is right on this
Submitted by adhd32 on
When I first came here 2 years ago I could not believe that letting ADD H screw up and staying out of the mess was the answer. I posted reasons why this wouldn't work and how unfair it was that everyone else in the household would suffer because of his recklessness. But since I had tried many other approaches including pointing out mistakes and admonishing I started to think there is some other way to deal with the loose cannon that is ADD H.
I started to distance myself from his personal responsibilities. I stopped doing him favors that he then came to expect and did not appreciate. I stopped stepping in to help if there was an issue and cleaning up the messes. If he asks for help and begins to raise his voice or disrespect me I literally walk out of the room. The worst part of setting boundaries is the backlash from the "put upon" ADD spouse who has manipulated you into doing their bidding and now has to unhappily pull their own weight. As time goes by you will see the manipulation for what it is and learn not feed into it or even take the bait. The argument dies right there since they cannot fight with themselves. The most difficult thing to really and truly accept is they will not/cannot change.
There are several areas that I cannot trust him with such as insurance payments, planning trips, etc so I handle those because I am unwilling to chance being canceled by house, auto, or medical insurance. Other bills can go unpaid and what is the worst thing? The cell phones are cut off or the lights go out...he can do whatever it takes to rectify this since the interruption in service is an immediate problem for him.
One thing C admits is he did not raise children with an ADD spouse so his advise is based on his life with an ADD spouse. There are far more complications having to parent with someone who cannot stick to a schedule, think ahead and plan meals, remember to feed the kids, etc. This stage of life with an ADD spouse, for me, was the most difficult since I never felt there was a reprieve from the demands and utter messes caused by spouse and all the responsibilities of kids. I felt like a single parent because H was so unreliable that he could not be trusted to do the things he said he would do or act in an appropriate manner when participating. I think that if I had known better and had stopped trying to include him, and stop trying to make him look like a better Dad to the kids there would have been less discourse in the house. The kids are grown and respect him as their father but he never established a close bond with them because his priorities did not include being involved. He is jealous of my bond with the kids and will make comments. He will not admit that he had the same exact opportunity to be close to them but chose his wants and desires first.
This so well said 32, and so important; just want to support it.
Submitted by c ur self on
( The worst part of setting boundaries is the backlash from the "put upon" ADD spouse who has manipulated you into doing their bidding and now has to unhappily pull their own weight. As time goes by you will see the manipulation for what it is and learn not feed into it or even take the bait. The argument dies right there since they cannot fight with themselves. The most difficult thing to really and truly accept is they will not/cannot change.)
This subject could be another Thread listed under the title ** Progress you are making in your marriage**...What I have come to understand about living with my spouse is...Never judge her capabilities for awareness, timeliness or any other discipline by mine or my thinking....
Progress isn't and never will be, what we (the spouse, of an add partner) can explain, force, or teach them about how to live life..Progress will always be made with in the confines of our ability to manage our own lives...
The moment I wake up I have to be aware of this, because usually there are moments in each day, where I have a choice to make...And when you have gotten caught up in Co-dependency, it's very difficult to not want the train wreck to happen, that you see is possibly about to....In those moments I need to speak!...But just not to her....I need to walk away and speak to my own heart and mind, to find rest in those moments, to find peace in those moments...When I can be victorious in this effort, regardless of the circumstance's, not only am I the winner, so is she, and so is the marriage....
Yes most progress in an adhd marriage is accomplished, without a spoken word between the two....I have learned so much from the men and women (with add/adhd) on this site who have take the time to post about the effects, and their efforts in managing them...One thing adhdmomof2 said is...."She feels like her husband views her as a project"....Think about this?? This may be the same for many of our spouses...That is sad if is....I want my wife to feel appreciated, loved and secure....So for that to happen I can't go around pointing out her dysfunction every time she drops the ball because of her add....Just ain't going to happen....Every non- hard or hurtful word I don't speak is a victory....Because I can't take them back....
Boundaries gives us the opportunity to succeed...The longer we live with them, the more respect pass's between us...The more they become accepted, the more Co-dependency dies...The more each individual's responsibilities become their own.....Like 32 said, it's a backlash effect in the beginning...Not only from the adhd partner, but, the non also, even if it's the odd feeling of minding our on own business in many areas.... But, the long term value of boundaries in marriages with all these major differences in living life, is priceless....
Like I said earlier, boundaries aren't a weapon... And there never to be used as an excuse to not honor our wedding vows...But they can free us up to live wisely (without conflict and arguments) in most area's of daily life...
c
edit...To not want the train wreck to NOT happen....Thought I would correct this, I figured most would know I left out the Not.....