I made some off-hand comment today about my DH's therapy, and of course he used it as a jumping off place to direct all his anger at me. I'm working from home today (he is doing some fix-it projects), and he's been storming around here. This is pretty much par for the course for the last 6-8 months. Something sets him off, he storms around, he insists on engaging in some kind of "fight" that is really just him berating and badgering me about all I am doing wrong, and then eventually it calms down. I am so over it. What I can't seem to do, however, is disengage from it enough to just go on about my day and do the things I need to do without being emotionally affected. How do you do that? I can't concentrate. And I'm just sitting here trying to work wondering when he's going to storm into the room next to just throw his bad mood at me. Anyone have any strategies to share?
How to not get wound up in it all?
Submitted by pinestreet on 06/09/2011.
depends on the comment, I guess?
Submitted by ellamenno on
What was the comment about? Maybe something he was worried about /embarrassed about etc?
Maybe just tackle it head on and say, "Ok, I'm sorry I said ___, but i'm not sure why you're so upset about it."
Always say the wrong thing
Submitted by pinestreet on
He was talking to his mother on the phone, and he was saying that he was out jogging 5k in the 100 degree humid heat the other day, and I said something like "hence the need for a therapist..." jokingly. I said I was sorry immediately. He just wasn't in the mood for it. She knows all about the ADHD diagnosis (which was recent) and that he's taking medication. He jokes all the time about my therapist, our marriage counselor, his own therapist. It's all fair game to him. It's got no stigma attached to it from my end. He's a 45-year-old diabetic with borderline high blood pressure -- jogging in the middle of the day in that kind of heat IS nuts.
From the other side...
Submitted by ellamenno on
The problem with jokes is, there is always an element (or much more than an element) of truth in them and that's what hurts.
I know that when my husband jokes, "Uh-oh.... did somebody forget her pill this afternoon?" it hurts because... well... yeah. Sometimes I DO forget a dose and only when I start doing something stupid (like leaving the oven on etc.) do I realize I forgot it. I'm reminded once again that I can't function without taking what is essentially just speed, and this is still a source of shame for me... another example is when a friend's book was published the dedication read, "For my wife: without whom this project would not have been possible." My husband joked that a dedication to me would read, "For my wife: without whom I could have finished this book a decade ago." I'd thought I had been a great support to him and was proud of his accomplishments, so I was surprised/hurt that he casually dismissed 10 years of my life. I've moved all around the country for his job and while he had instant structure/colleagues at work, I had to start from scratch in each new city: find work, make friends etc. etc.... Now I know that because of my inability to get organized, low self esteem etc. etc. I never made enough money and was so emotionally dependent on him that he felt I was a burdon. so, while I know he was 'just joking' and not intentionally trying to crush me emotionally, I know that he actually does feel that way, so it's not funny in the slightest.
Is your husband overreacting? maybe. But who knows? Was the 5K run an organized event? perhaps a goal of his or something he does daily to try to battle depression/weight? If so, I'm sure although it was hot he thought it was important to keep up a routine/reach a goal.
Joking about you may be a defense mechanism for him, or maybe he feels it won't bother you since you are able to function so easily in areas that are so difficult for him. (we ADDers sometimes harbor a LOT of jealousy for those of you who are able to organize and be on time and find your keys at the drop of a hat....)
just talk to him about it.
Submitted by Blair on
I have great empathy for you. I've decided that disengaging works for survival, but turns off the switch of love or hope that I'll get my needs met in the relationship. Lowering my expectations makes me the "parent" of a child, rather than a loved and respected spouse. He knows he has ADD, states that he's fine and I'm the problem and only takes his Adderal on the mornings he works. I'll keep reading to see if there's a 3rd more healthy choice;
Hang in there..........