I have been trying to figure out how to ask this question for about a week. My husband and I were talking about something back then and his account of his thinking was so completely foreign to me that he may as well have been speaking Greek in that moment. It was nothing at all like how I think when I am deciding what I am going to do about something........I wish I could remember the exact situation not because it is important, but because I can't really think of another one and I think that is going to make it harder to receive replies.
I am getting the vibe from talking to many AD/HD mates and also from reading on several forums, that the AD/HD world even for a good mate is sometimes 'all you all the time'. I am afraid that statement is going to cause offense and I don't want to do that. I really want a dialogue about this. Do you ever feel like your challenges are so big that the other ppl in your life could come to feel like it is your world and everyone else just has to live in it with you--like do you expect support to take the form of do X, Y, and or Z for me to help me? Cause when we say we need X, Y, or Z, we frequently hear 'that would be nice but you can't have that because I am not up to that.' What do you feel your responsibility is to your mate? What do you think their responsibility is to you?
I genuinely, from the moment I became 1/2 a couple, no longer really think of myself as a separate entity. If i am trying to decide something, one of my very first questions is if it will affect my husband and if it will, will it be a negative or positive.
I was a fairly independent single person, chose not to get married until my late 20s, and have never felt I NEEDED a man in my life, but I always felt that everyone's life is enhanced by love. I'm saying that to say that I have never been a needy of clingy person and I'd expect my husband to say something very similar except at the point we got together, he was more actively wanting to add a loving relationship to his life than I was. Being together has been a wonderful experience for us and we each enhance the other's life. It really is in many ways exactly what I'd hoped marriage would add.
From the moment I got married, and really even before that, I have always considered myself as part of a couple. I don't think of myself as a single person, I don't act as a single person, and I always think first of how everything will affect us and my husband before doing it. Sometimes I think he doesn't organically think of me in the same way. I asked him some type of form of this question about the issue that occurred a week ago and basically he said he just didn't think of how it would affect me at all. He apologized and said that is something he needs to work on.
You could have knocked me over. Just trying to grasp that thinking.........that you are a couple but that you think of yourself and not really your partner. I don't think physically that I am capable of that, nor would I want to be. Now my husband isn't proud that he is able to do this and I'm not saying he'd want to be this way, but there are times I just want it to be nonADD time......like when we were marriage planning and we'd have planning-free weekends to just enjoy being together.
I read some of what gets posted by the ADD mates, and I agree your non mates are doing some frustrating things, demotivating things, demoralizing things, but sometimes it can feel like we are just satellites orbitting your ADD world. Sometimes it even sounds like the irritation on the ADD end is coming from the fact that we are being poor satellites and not motivating properly or not sharing our feelings properly or being properly grateful for all the hard work you are doing......there is some validity of course, but are you doing all those things on your end?
I know you can imagine how demotivating, stressful, infuriating, fear-inspiring even at times your behavior is. I know my husband can. Sure I get frustrated at what he doesn't do well and he gets frustrated at what I don't do well. But there are times when I feel like so much of the onus of changing is on me because he has ADD. And sometimes he makes decisions not really even thinking about how it will affect me.
This happened several times on our weekend away since we were with my parents and my dad was being a big slug, my husband goes into 'it is fine to be a slug' mode, and I was just being driven more and more and more crazy because he knows I HATE THAT SLUG CRAP. Even when he was trying to do something or was up for something, it was so half hearted and felt like it took a poor second place to goofing on the computer that I felt completely unmotivated by the end.
On the way home I asked if he'd ever do the lake again with my parents and he said he thought it went pretty well and that he'd do it again. He also said "I know it was too much resting and bumming for you, but I liked it" I asked why he didn't try to respond when I tried to liven things up, and his response "I'd have done anything" but he wouldn't have anything to do with the process that I just stopped trying much.
It was ok, but I will likely never do it again. I suggested if he wanted that type of weekend away that he should do it without me, and he was offended and said he'd never do such a thing. I said I'd way prefer that, if he wants that kind of weekend, to be seperate than to be forced to watch it. He is sorry he wasn't thinking enough about what was good for me..........but I can't even get into the headspace to understand where he was coming from then.
He seems to do what he wants in the moment and apologize later, and those types of apologies just aren't working for me. "I wasn't thinking" isn't getting anything resolved. And I don't care what your reason is for not thinking.......START THINKING about it. You know what I mean?