How should I handle this situation?

My ADD boyfriend and I have been dating for 10 months. He is 21 and I am 18. The first five months were great. I moved in with him (and his dad because he can't keep a job and afford his own), then he started to hang out with his friends and ignore me a lot and lied to me several times and put himself in situations where it looked like he was cheating (although he swears he hasnt) after that. We worked through it and things got better for a month or so. But the past 3-4 months have been awful. He would leave to go drinking and not come home etc. So I moved back in with my mom 3 weeks ago. He wants to try etc. I broke up with him one morning because he stood me up and never called (he didn't have a phone at that time). He said it was his friends bday so he did that instead. I felt hurt and taken for granted for my patience and understanding, but took him back. We started trying again the next day and he was perfect but I told him in a crying fit, after he refused to have a conversation regarding past times he hurt me that, that I couldn't move on from the past without his help and he would have to be patient with me like I am with him. We went over several ways to work things out and none of them we were both comfortable with, but we both decided we could get through this. The next day I found this site and realized this is what has been wrong. He was diagnosed with ADD as a child and it is now untreated. I have been looking into insurance etc to get him help. Things have been fine the past few days. Last night he went to hang out with his friend (the one who's bday it was) and texted me all night, but this am I couldn't get ahold of him (he has a phone now.) Come to find out he never went home last night, didn't show up to work this am, and hasn't gotten a hold of me or his dad all day. I was worried and scared at first but called the local hospitals and jails and drove by all the bars and usual fishing spots and the friends house. He wasn't anywhere to be found. He still hasn't contacted me or his dad. He is an alcoholic and has probably gone on a drinking binge (he has been sober for the past 3 weeks I've been gone to "help our relationship". Is this day/night due to ADHD or is it just him being inconsiderate and disrespectful. I'm thinking the latter, but correct me if I'm wrong. If it is ADHD what should I do in response when I finally get to speak to him?


Will someone not just read but reply also? I need help. I love this man so much. There was so much passion and love between us. I'm heartbroken and just want him here to comfort me. But I have to know if this is just him not caring how I feel or if this is his ADHD. I know he loves me. He shows me all the time but when things like this happen I just don't know what to do.



Well, I guess I'll comment. I'm a bit of a cynic, being an ADHD male who has been married twice (first one was also ADHD, now married to GAD with Hyperactive symptoms), but bear with me. My first flag is the fact that you moved in with him so quickly. I've done that as well; not trying to be morally superior or something. Just speaking from experience. Next, I would expect the first 3 - 6 months of a relationship to be great, because of infatuation. It's like you learn something new about your love interest every day and, because he or she is still making that effort to put the best foot forward, it is great. Another flag that flies up is the fact that he's 21 and you're 18. Again, done something similar before. Usually, the maturity difference between 18 and 21 is pretty large; it sounds like it is, but maybe backward (I really don't know; just my gut feeling). Fourth, once you moved in with him, he began ignoring you? Fifth: he's lied to you "several times." Sixth: he's put himself in situations that look like he's cheating? Listen, if you get the gut feeling that he's cheating, and all of the evidence (ignoring you, going to "hang out with his friends," "drinking and not coming home") could easily be explained by him cheating, then you need to go with your gut. More on this in a minute. Seventh: he's a 21 year old alcoholic who can't keep a job and afford a place. Now, although he's been sober for three weeks (good for him, and good for you for being "gone"), he disappears. No phone calls? No nothing? He has no respect for you. He is too immature to be in a relationship.

I see seven pretty good reasons for you to run screaming from this young man. Add them all together, and you know what you need to do. You cannot change him. I know you want to help him (looking into insurance?) but you can't make an alcoholic sober by forcing the issue. I will add, I feel for him because I too have this crazy brain chemistry that makes websites like this one necessary. However, you are a human being being treated with no dignity and no respect. That is not love. Infatuation is a feeling. Love is a decision, not a feeling. (I guess if people actually understood that, there'd be FAR fewer divorces in the USA; but we've been sold a warm fuzzy lie and the destroyed lives of divorced couples and their children are the result.) That decision has to be reciprocal; one person CANNOT make it work. How should you handle this situation? End it.

I said I'd say more about cheating, so here goes. I had a batch of tests run to check for STD's after my first marriage (clean; yay!). If he's out getting drunk, impairing his judgment, and cheating on you, and then coming back to you, you have a decent chance of getting one or more STD's. Some can be simply treated with antibiotics; others...well. The last AIDS death that I had to deal with was that of a young, heterosexual woman. You HAVE to think of that. If he's willing (or at least unable to control himself) to place you at risk, then he doesn't love you. Do you want to stay with a friend who treats you with no respect, and endangers your life? No, you lose those people and in 20 years you can "friend" them on whatever social media site is happening then and never talk to them. Just because you're attracted to him and you've bonded to him because of your intimacy, you still have to hold him to at least the same, if not much higher standard. Sadly, one that he won't be able to attain, based on the seven flags you set out above.

Does that make sense?



Plain and simple.....move on.  Not worth the pain.  Good luck to you.


I agree with the two other posts here. I'm an ADDer, diagnosed at age 43, and although he did not ask for his condition he must be responsible for his own actions. I remember being 21 and my undiagnosed ADD really complicated my life back then. You cannot fix him, only he can. Sorry to give a downer response, but with what I read, your guy has many issues to work on. Ask him to help himself and go back to his doctor and get ADD treatment.

Best wishes...

You are only have so

You are only have so many years ahead of you before you find the Right one. Move on. In time you will wonder what you ever saw in him, seriously.

I agree with the other posters...move on!

You're young. You are not married, do not have kids or any other connectors keeping you tethered. I would run and never look back.

In the future, I would seriously evaluate the men you date. I would seriously look into the reasons that you are attracted to a person who thinks so little of you, walks all over you and uses you as a convenient play toy. Get to know yourself, love all the things about you that makes you special and set goals to make you the best person you can be. Focus less on men, especially men who do not positively          add (<--Odd choice of words=o)) to your life.

I wish my 31 year old self could visit my 18 year old self and give her all this advice. My life might have ended up much differently!

You only live once and I hope you honestly take this advice. It may not what your were looking for's the advise you need!


leave are young and have your whole life ahead of you...try and understand that you are both so very young,,and young couples should be enjoying everyday life..not feeling like this at 18 or have a lot ahead of you before you find Mr..right..I am 32 and is still struggling in my relationship with someone I just met 1 year and a few months ago...He has ADHD too....but that is not the only reason people would have problems...problems come up in normal relationships too...I will advice you to start walking away from this pain before it ruins should be enjoying your youth days not worried at 18...

I wish you the best for the future..



Move're far too

Move're far too young to be 'stuck' in this muck. This is just the TIP OF THE ICEBERG and of how unhappy your life will be trying to 'fix' this man. In this situation, I would say to does not matter if it is ADHD or not. If you hear nothing else anyone says to you, believe cannot 'fix' him. You cannot fix him. You cannot cannot cannot fix him. You cannot say "oh babe, this is ADHD...and I think you need to get help" and expect it all to just work out like a fairytale. Chances are he doesn't see that there is anything wrong with him, no matter what he says to get you back. You already see the pattern...say what you want to hear...and then go back to the same old behaviors shortly thereafter. Do yourself a huge favor...and let him go.