How soon is too soon to marry a man with ADHD

How soon is too soon to marry a man with uncontrolled ADHD?

the word uncontrolled scares

the word uncontrolled scares me.. I have ADHD and if I did not have it in control (which I am still learning to do now) I don't think I would have success in any of my relationships.. In the past my partners have endedup resenting me or feeling uncared about.. With all that said if you have been with your partner for a year or two and are okay with everything that is going on and feel that its something your willing to take on for the rest of your life. more power too you and all the best!

Mary_RN's picture

A lifetime

You could wait forever and it would probably be "too soon". Men with ADD/ADHD are the most complex, unpredictable, ever changing men out there (and that's saying something). As long as he's still showing signs of lifelong commitment, devotion, and love, I would say it wouldn't be any longer than a "normal" man. And this is just from personal/current experience. 

Mary_RN's picture

Well it is for my man. And a

Well it is for my man. And a really good guy friend of ours with ADHD also has anger issues. It probably is a trait of ADD/ADHD. It comes with the territory. It's something you gotta work through. It's also something you have to decide for yourself if it is worth it or not. No one can answer that for you. 

Marrying someone with anger

Marrying someone with anger issues is like putting yourself in an unpleasant/unstable home for the rest of your life.  You will constantly be punished for things that you didn't do or say.  Holidays and vacations will often be ruined.  


You will be embarrassed frequently when they display their anger in front of others.  We have moved 6 times during our marriage.  Each time I have hoped that H will not display ugly anger within earshot of neighbors, and each time my hopes have been dashed.  It's really sad.  After each move, I'll meet new neighbors and try to be social, but soon after, H will display something embarrassing (yelling at me in the front yard, etc), and suddenly I'm too embarrassed to be social with the neighbors anymore.  A few times, neighbors have called the police because of his yelling.  


For the first few years, my H never yelled at me in front of my family.  Then, it began...and got worse and worse. My mom once left our home in tears as she was so sad that I was subjected to such unfair rage.  My parents, who my H LOVED till they died, were called liars to their faces by H in anger.  This was after we had been married for about 12 years.  It was absolutely shocking, horrific, scary, etc.  


When we were first married, we could socialize with people, but as time went on, H's ability to control his temper worsened.  And the longer we were married, the more I "annoyed" him, so in his mind I deserved everything he's thrown at me.  He's even said to me, "you have no right to let others think that things are ok between us.  I yell at you in front of them so that they will know that you are a bitch."  lol   I calmly tell him that when he yells at me in public, then the only person that looks bad is HIM.  


Funny thing is.....Many times H will say something like, "If I see a guy mistreat a woman, I want to punch his face." I told him, "well, you better be careful because someday a guy like you is going to see you mistreat me and you're going to get punched."   The hypocrisy was lost on him.  


When H is there, we only socialize with one son.  When H isn't around, I socialize with a few close friends and my sons.  I just no longer can trust H.  


No matter how it is now, it will get worse....a lot worse.  

My St. trooper friend said the same thing

It's interesting you say that because my friend who recently retired from his job as a State Trooper in Pennsylvania said pretty much the same thing. During his career he responded to a lot, like A LOT of domestic disturbance 911 calls, and most of those calls were made on the same people over and over - year after year. "When a new domestic call came in I made sure to memorize the address, because I knew I'd be coming back." he said. The anger doesn't magically go away by itself. 

Anger is a big part of ADHD

Actually anger is a recognized symptom in adult ADHD and I am so thankful that researchers are paying more attention to how it manifests in daily life. This 2007 study published in the Journal of Psychological Medicine entitled Neuropsychological and behavioural disinhibition in adult ADHD compared to borderline personality disorder concluded that impaired inhibition and frustration is a core feature in adults with ADHD.  And not only that, but the researchers in this study found that ADHD patients performed slightly worse than borderline individuals in some inhibitory drills and they had longer reaction times of behavioral deregulation (anger) than their borderline counterparts too!

In 2006 there was a study regarding anger in ADHD adults and aggressive expression of that anger through driving. ADHD-driving is a hot topic that peppers this forum a lot. Here's the abstract of that study -->

Another study in 2011 entitled "Behavioral and Cardiovascular Responses to Frustration During Simulated Driving Tasks in Young Adults With and Without Attention Disorder Symptoms" concluded something that I know will NOT surprise a lot of us here: "remedial driver training for ADHD populations should focus more on the control of negative emotions rather than on attention or fundamental driving skills." 

So basically what all of us - ADHD and non-ADHD alike - are noticing about impulsivity and anger is real! Friends, spouses, teachers and now researchers are honing in on this particular symptom. This makes me very hopeful.