I have learned this:
When dh is not doing what is expected, let's say it is to sign a tax form that needs his signature, I must say, "Here is the 2015 personal tax form. Sign here please." Look him in the eye and hand him a pen and the form.
I don't say, "The tax form is on the kitchen counter, will you sign them please so they can get in the mail?"
I don't say, "When will you sign the tax forms? They have been on the counter for 5 days."
I don't say, "Let's do the taxes together. What day would you be available to that with me?"
I don't say, "It's your turn to do the taxes."
I don't say, "Do you think you will be able to sign the tax forms today?"
I say, "Here is the tax form. Sign here." hand him the pen and the form. Then stand there and wait until he writes down his name. It's up to me to be firm and not accept any excuses or diversions from him.
How HE thinks of himself
Submitted by jennalemone on
From the outside, it SEEMS to me that he thinks that what he brings to the table is his lovable, goofy self. That, to him, the most valuable thing in the world is his own sense of humor. He values pleasure and comfort and diversions. He savors the moment's pleasure and takes plenty of time to enjoy his own life. He SEEMS to really be proud of his inattention to detail and his freedom from commitment and responsibility.
This makes a fun boyfriend and date when you are sixteen years old. This makes for a jolly salesman.
These attributes in one spouse/parent do NOT make for a secure, trusting, happy marriage and family.
Forgive me, I feel like ranting tonight and expressing myself trying to find clarity.
You are so correct!
Submitted by MFrances on
You are so correct!
wow--so well put--this is
Submitted by dvance on
wow--so well put--this is totally true--the ADHD person totally enjoys his life--what's not to enjoy--you don't have to do anything hard, don't notice or care if you screw up, half the time you are not even aware of what is getting done around you. must be nice to be so carefree. I often look at DH and think, man--how nice it must be to be YOU--very little to concern yourself with. DH works-hard-he earns a good living for us, but if there is something he doesn't want to do or "isn't able to manage" he has an excuse. I have finally made my peace with the fact that no one has my back. it's okay-kind of freeing actually. occasionally I get scared, but I do have friends that would jump in and I have learned that I can take WAY more than I ever thought I could and remain calm WAY more than I ever thought I could-with kids, colleagues, DH, in general. so I know that about myself now. I know that I can think through a situation, take my time to gather information, that by and large no one will die if I don't react RIGHT NOW--this is really helpful with two teenage boys in the house!!!! plus with DH when I find out something he did, like other women or being four hours late coming home with no explanation and no phone calls. I no longer worry and I no longer care if there is another woman--if she thinks she can manage him better--have at it and best of luck. It's like they got stuck somewhere in adolescence and didn't mature like the rest of us.
Yes!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
From the outside, it SEEMS to me that he thinks that what he brings to the table is his lovable, goofy self. That, to him, the most valuable thing in the world is his own sense of humor. He values pleasure and comfort and diversions. He savors the moment's pleasure and takes plenty of time to enjoy his own life. He SEEMS to really be proud of his inattention to detail and his freedom from commitment and responsibility.
This makes a fun boyfriend and date when you are sixteen years old. This makes for a jolly salesman.
These attributes in one spouse/parent do NOT make for a secure, trusting, happy marriage and family.
>>>>
So true!
My H's family has ADHD and they have always patted themselves on the back for their "live for today" "don't worry about details" "fly by the seat of their pants" attitude. They even say things like, "we march to the beat of our own drummer" ....to justify how they don't follow anyone's lead or anyone's rules...and they defy what's conventional. (but then claim to have "bad luck" when bad things happen)
So True
Submitted by tfarmer on
Shhhh. Quiet. They really think of themselves as misunderstood geniuses.
I am so Fed up with that schtick from my ADHD wife it defies explanation. It is more than denial, it is this idea that she is the one with understanding and it is the rest of us (responsible adults ) who are crazy.
OMG I almost fell off my
Submitted by dvance on
OMG I almost fell off my chair laughing at this!!!!! No matter what plan I make DH has to "improve" upon it but his "improvements" take longer, make more mess, may or may not actually get done-ever, may or may not make the rest of us crazy, waste more time, etc., etc., etc. But he just thinks he's this goofy, creative, fun, "think outside of the box" guy. Small example--his new thing is to have his bowl of cereal in one bowl and cut up the banana in a separate bowl. He takes one banana slice on his spoon and then a spoonful of cereal. Why? Who does that? And when I asked him why he was doing that instead of just putting the sliced up banana ON the cereal like every other cereal eater in America, he tole me because he's an adult and he can do whatever he wants. His need/compulsion to do things in an odd way drives our kids nuts too. Just DO it for gods sake! So bizarre. It is like they are the genius and we are the poor sad mortals who don't understand their special-ness.
>>No matter what plan I make
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>No matter what plan I make DH has to "improve" upon it but his "improvements" take longer, make more mess, may or may not actually get done-ever, may or may not make the rest of us crazy, waste more time, etc., etc., etc.
>>>
OMG....so true. As I've mentioned before, I own my own business. I started it over 3 years ago, and it took off right away, expanding to triple its original size. My parents gifted me with a lot of "street smarts" and I read a lot about this type of business to avoid many common pitfalls.
Now that H is retired and helping me with some aspects, he tries to advise me. lol omg. I have NO PROBLEM accepting sound advice. As a matter of fact, I often post questions on a forum for my type of business to get feedback and advice from other owners. I'm a big believer in learning what works and what doesn't work from people who've already been thru it.
H's advice is always stupid. I can't sugar-coat is....it is extremely short-sighted, foolish, and outright risky. Most of the time it's because he doesn't really think his advice thru....he just spits out whatever comes to mind and EXPECTS me to implement. It's not like he's just brainstorming and expects me to "think it over" and then decide. NO. He expects me to implement whatever wild-haired idea he puts forth. And, he gets very angry if I even gently mention why his ideas won't work.
It's gotten to the point that I just say , "I'll think about it".....and then just ignore it.
He also doesn't understand the market in which I work. So, he'll tell me to raise prices even tho I'd be pricing myself out of the market.
lol....misunderstood geniuses
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
lol....misunderstood geniuses. ha ha! More like impulsive fools.
The truth is, they don't want to take the time to plan things, so their spontaneity is just fraught with risks.
Hi Tfarmer I'm Curious?
Submitted by kellyj on
As much as I could be on the receiving end of your comment...it made me think about the times before I was diagnosed and on meds and how I am now? I don't think this by the way (or didn't then) but I'm really curios about something from a past experience I had with a co-worker (still trying to figure him out since what you said really did apply to him). In his case...he came to work saying he was a master at his craft and would say this consistently. Over time just the opposite was more the case. He was acceptable for the most part but he was hired on as being what he said. He was way over his head and was eventually fired specifically as stated (I was in the room during the process because I was the foreman) "not being able to provide the level of service that was needed of him." And even though this was brought to his attention by myself and most of the people who worked there at different points in time....he insisted that he was exactly what he said he was to the very last day and left the job even after being fired from it still holding this position in thinking. The work that we did was tangible (manufacturing product) so it was pretty easy to take one and set it next to another and make this kind of comparison.
I thought about this in terms of something I did catch myself doing not too many years ago where in my thinking and without realizing it in an effort to "raise the bar" and outperform myself based on the past in an effort to improve....I would speak out loud this intention as if I was going to do it. I remembered back when playing sports that this is what you would do especially with an opponent ie " I'm going to do XXX today so you better be on your game." Power of positive thinking and suggestion and all that, and using that to one up yourself (and your opponent) at the same time. But....as everyone would witness at the end of the day.....either you did it or you didn't (the agony of defeat lol) It's pretty hard to argue the results in that case and this whole dance is an accepted part of that kind of competition. No one faults you for losing but stating ahead of time that you are going to win but....what is also considered good form afterwards is to praise and congratulate the person who beat you and shake their hands in good sportsmanship. That too is part of the game.
So at least in my case....I did catch myself saying many times I was going to do something and then fell short but the point here is that I had no idea going in if I could even do it or not up front and there was a good possibility that I wouldn't be able to do it and wasn't surprised or devastated if that were the case. I'm saying out of that habit translated from being in sports competition and using this to actually push myself to the next level for that reason (which does work by the way)...I caught myself doing this outside of this arena with other people who would actually take me for my word (what a surprise ha ha) and this becoming a problem for me if that were the case and I didn't get as far as I said I would. I have since stopped doing that once I realized that this is what I was doing.
But that doesn't explain my co-worker which is more in context to what you were saying? Is this compnesatory Narcissism and just being really insecure? My co-worker was really, really insecure....would easily take offense....get his feelings hurt really easily....didn't have a very well developed sense of humor (which was a problem for me...he was hard to kid around with and took himself very seriously and I tend to kid around and joke a lot including about myself....alls fair).....didn't take criticism well (understated).......was resistant to instruction and did things differently after being instructed otherwise..... was likely to include himself or take credit for something that he didn't do....was extremely overly nice (syrupy) when he would talk to you in person ( bring you sweets and chocolates....like the apple on the teachers desk kind of thing which was really obvious and kind of pathetic).....but would also throw you under the bus and was a chronic tattle tale to our boss about anything that I did or he perceived was not right in some way.....and what he perceived as being not right was a lot of the time. lol excluding of course him. lol
All of this going along with saying he was a master craftsman to the day he was fired and still believed he was despite being brought to this place and still not seeing or believing it? This is a different kind of Narc than I am use to or grew up with but I think he qualifies as a compensatory narcissists if I am correct? I've been wondering about this since then because in all the time I had worked that job (over 25 years) I have never met anyone who behaved in such a manner? I'm still baffled by this to this day. It was delusional at the very least.
Do you have any thoughts about this yourself?
PS...I don't think he had ADHD either....in fact....almost positive he didn't?
J
HA I do this, too. Actually I
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
HA I do this, too. Actually I just did this the other day. I just take the paper to him with a pen and say, "Sign here." He signs it and doesn't even ask what it is most of the time.