Please bear with me. Things are a bit depressing at the moment since I've been in bed with a virus for a week. I also just found out I will have to meet my ADD ex shortly at an event.
It's so humiliating to have been subjected to what I have. How do you walk through a room where is someone you've lived two decades with and born several children to and who's then treated you like sh-t? Someone you've almost destroyed yourself to stick with out of loyalty since he was so ill, and who's then shown you you meant nothing? Someone who's probably still ill, but great at hiding his pain and dysfunction among people and so will give you that perfect act of normalcy and coolness. Making it look and feel like instead, you're upset, stupid, and pathetic.
I know some admirable people who've been treated worse by their ex partners but just go out there and keep a brave face. I don't know how they do it. They seem to do all right. I die inside.
I can't stand the humiliation of being lied to by him. I can't stand his acts. I want to shout, and expose him, and embarrass him. For having destroyed our trust, used me, and hurt me, and then forgotten all about it.
think about these things
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
I see you Swedish. Some thoughts to ponder:
1. Do you absolutely HAVE to go to the event? Like is it life or death or something that you are looking forward to (the event - not the ex being there). Do you WANT to be there? Do you NEED to be there?
2. If you attend this event, do you HAVE to meet/greet/engage with your Ex? If so, why? Who said you have to do this? Is it your internal system telling you that you have to do this thing?
If you think - really think through- about the above questions and the answer is YES I must go to this event for 'XX' reason, then if its decided you will go, I want you to think about the following (this is only if you decide that you MUST go):
1. Between now and the event date, do everything in your power to not think about the Ex and instead DO EVERYTHING ALL DAY EVERY DAY FOR YOURSELF. Give yourself so much love and compassion, rest, sleep, vitamins, therapy (if you can), walks in nature, meditation, podcast listening, reading... whatever it is YOU enjoy that brings you spark and love and joy FOR YOURSELF. And do what you can, every day up until the event.
2. Repeat a mantra to yourself that's along the lines of: 'I can only control what I can control - which is myself. I am loved, I am cared for, no one is thinking bad things about me, I did the best I could and I stand proud today here'
3. Find an outfit that makes you feel good.
4. Rock up to that event and don't give a f**k about anyone - specifically your ex. Talk to everyone BUT your ex. Make it your mission to leave him be and let him rot in the corner or whatever. Can you bring a friend with you? Not a date, just a friend or something that will have a great time. Bonus points if they make a scene about something else to distract everyone (that's a joke! :))
5. Try to enjoy yourself as best as you can. Don't let the negative thoughts even arrive at the mind station.
6. After the event, if you need to, coocoon yourself in your bed or do something that makes you feel comfort and safe.
You've been through a lot Swedish. You've been doing the work and we all have our days - but let them be your days and not taken over by thoughts of your Ex and worries about what he might do/might not do/say, etc - bc it's out of your control. You DESERVE to matter because YOU DO MATTER and what you need matters. And you've done your time... now it's time for you to care for yourself.
(I really hope the above helps and is taken with a message of support and not me telling you a To Do list or shaming or anything)
Thank you
Submitted by Swedish coast on
That is taken for what it is, pure compassion and caring. It's so nice of you to take the time to answer.
Thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without reminders.
samesies. We all need reminders
Submitted by Off the roller ... on
We all need them. I am having some today in fact... or really, they are being thrown at me today anyways. You're going to be ok. Take some time to really think if this is a must-no-exceptions attendance to this event. Something is telling me in the way you are writing it that there should be some consideration into NOT going if you don't have to. Just a hunch.
Support from family
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Am going to the event. It's a child's big day.
After excruciating conversations with other adult family members it's now decided we'll all go. It will hopefully take the edge off it, and put focus firmly on the child.
None of the family of origin have seen my ex in more than a year. I've been afraid some of them will be overly friendly with him in front of me. They state they don't side with me. They say they don't accept my story as truth - couldn't he describe everything quite differently? - and they will act on their own impressions only. They have of course never seen how he's treated me. It still hurts they don't feel the need to protect me is stronger than to make casual interactions with him in whatever fashion feels right for them in the moment. His charming acts have certainly been a success with my family. I feel like the whiny difficult one.
When I've been in corresponding situations with badly hurt friends and their exes (who are also old former friends of mine), it's been natural to demonstrate whom I'm there in the room with. I wouldn't be unfriendly to their ex, but I'd show my loyalty.
The concept of loyalty is alien to my family of origin. All overruling is the right to act according to your own impulse, saying or doing what feels good to you.
Sometimes I think my family relations will make me insane.
Perspective
Submitted by J on
Swedish, I've seen many variations of loyalty and choosing sides after a divorce. Sometimes, I've seen the original friends of a spouse, jump ship and remain friends with the other partner and abandon their original friend in the aftermath...anything is possible I guess?
There is a situation I'm in ( from years ago ) with one of my very best friends, where I became close to his ex-wife over the years. Their divorce became ugly and between lawyers and everyone involved, there were many battle lines drawn. I personally started to feel increasingly guilty and uncomfortable getting drawn in to taking sides which only made me not want to stay in touch....pushing me away. I finally said, f#%k it.....and just ignored these imaginary lines and continued to be myself, as I would be, if none of this ever happened. To this day, I continue to talk and behave as I would to both people, while at the same time, not agreeing with the bad behavior on both sides while still maintaining a friendly relationship that I always have had. Nothing has changed on my end on how I feel, and I'm not letting their animosity ( or whatever) dictate what I do or feel. How I feel, is not contingent on what they feel towards each other ( or anyone else ) in other words.
I would assume, there are also those who feel as I do too.
Symmetrical
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I find your approach reasonable as long as your divorced couple haven't had an abusive marriage.
Mmmm...yes.
Submitted by J on
It's asymmetrical. I get that.
If they want to socialize
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I can't help feeling that if my family members want to socialize with my ex, or keep some kind of relationship with him, they should do so on their own. Why not get in touch with him at any other time?
Why wait until this highly uncomfortable day when I have to be in the same room with him?
It's reasonable to show me as a family member loyalty and it's not even necessary to take sides in the conflict with the ex.
Just don't act towards him in front of me as if things are fine and he never deceived or hurt me intentionally. That's all I ask.