Hurting please help I don't know how to cope

So glad to have found this site. I'm reaching out to anyone who is willing to answer because I feel so desperate and alone. There's a whole mountain more to talk about, but I'll sum up what's been going on.....

My soon-to-be-ex husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child. I know that he was not given medication (which frankly, I'm not opposed to) but I am not sure if he ever went to therapy. He never addressed it at all during our marriage, only told me the symptoms he experienced. He always says that he is a conflict avoider and so rarely ever discussed anything that required our joint serious attention. Don't you know I begged him to get a diagnosis so I could better understand what he was going through and so we could work together as a loving, successful partnership. 

The description of what it's like to live with an ADHD spouse fits my dying marriage 100%. From the courtship days, in which I couldn't peel him off of me with a stick even while we were long-distance, to being ignored like an old toy for the hours-long video game play on a daily basis while I struggled to keep our household together on a shoestring, to my husband's decision to divorce me after I took him at his word--he yelled at me to get out of the house (after a huge fight), I stayed in a hotel for a few nights, now he accuses me of leaving him, therefore he claims that he is no longer bound to me. Oh, except he offered to move out and into his brother's home and then stayed there for two whole months before coming back last October. He told me he thought it was best that we permanently separate after Thanksgiving. He hasn't moved out or filed yet, but he expresses a happy-go-lucky attitude and I'm privately flip-flopping between mourning, rage, bitterness, resentment, loneliness, hope, and acceptance. He's used his religion (he magically became interested in going to his church again after our physical separation, even though I had been trying to encourage him to come with me to my church or his own for years) and my actions and words from the past that I apologized for and promised to work harder on to not repeat, as justifiable reasons to leave me. A lot of that stuff, I believe, was a result of the stress, anxiety, and depression that I developed while dealing with his ADHD symptoms. He even blames me for being frigid for 8 months straight, which happened four or five years ago. I grew a lot intimately and learned to initiate more, but even then it wasn't enough. Never mind all the times I asked for his affection last year, only to fall sleep sad and lonely while he stayed up all night playing video games! It's a slap in the face to be mad at your spouse for ignorantly not initiating sex in the past but now abstaining from it by choice for months!!!

I believe that I may have ADD or ADHD as well, simply because I am aware of my horrible procrastination and struggle to stay focused on tasks (I've struggled with those since I was a child). It got much, much worse while trying to deal his indifference in our partnership. Right now I'm horribly addicted to Facebook. I don't really know until I go through the tests myself to find out if I have ADD or ADHD. and we're too broke to do anything right now.

We have three children together. I have very few close friends, most of them live out of state. We have a mortgage on a 750 sqare foot 2 bed/1bath house and he earns $1200 a month at a work at home job. He applies for financial aid through his church to help pay our bills. The longest he's ever stayed employed with a single job is two years. He quit half of them. I withdrew from college twice to raise our kids and supported him to finish his degree so we could afford a better lifestyle. Now that he's accomplished the means to get a better job (which was a joint goal of ours when we both started school together) he's planning to use his earnings from his new career to divorce me. I'm 27 with no college degree, three children ages 9 months, 3 years, and 6 years. I do a little freelance artwork but even that is limited because I have no where to set up a studio and work.

I feel so used and cheated and trapped. I thought we were friends. He's acting like we still are. Verbally and intimately, he's made it very clear that he has no interest in continuing or working on our marriage. Once the divorce is final, aside from custodial arrangements, I never want him in my life again. It's the only way I think I can let him go and maintain peace of mind.

so sorry

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I recently left my spouse with ADHD (and a host of other issues), and even though it was the right thing to do, I experience wave after wave of depression, anger, what is probably PTSD, and emptiness. All those years! I tried so hard. I can't believe someone I loved would treat me the way he did. If I didn't have my children now, I would hide inside watching movies all day, lol. 

I think one of the toughest things to accept is that you (anyone) won't find a resolution with someone that you were married to, family with, loved, etc... I have had to understand that I just won't ever be able to resolve, hash things out, or even address most of the things that happened. I just have to move on, and fast. Finding another outlet and treatment for your pain and the fallout has to come from somewhere else, and it can be really tough. Therapy is definitely good, as is taking care of yourself--eating well, sleeping, all those things they tell you to do. Give yourself time, and don't feel bad if the only way you can cope is to have little to do with him. You need to take care of yourself first, and your children. Best of luck to you. 

I'm so sorry for your

I'm so sorry for your troubles. Though I almost laughed out loud when you said that he was newly engaged in church and yet he was the one who decided to divorce. Methinks he hasn't cracked open the Bible lately. And I wonder how they would feel about him applying for bill money to keep the family he intends to abandon?

I'm not quite sure what you are looking for in terms of support. Do you want encouragement to leave him or are you saying that you can't afford to? Are you just afraid for the future? I'd say take him to the cleaners for child support and alimony but if he can't afford to pay all the bills without church support now, then I don't imagine he would be too good about paying for support following the divorce. While I don't believe in divorce (except in cases of abuse or flagrant cheating), he's the one who left you, therefore, I don't see any reason for you to be strung along anymore. Can you file the papers? I think in cases of uncontested divorce, it can be done fairly cheaply. But I don't know all the ins and outs. It isn't fair for him to not move on anything. Or are you in a state where after a certain time period, a formal separation will revert to a divorce?

If you can't afford to file, can you scrape together the money to move where you have friends or family? Is the mortgage in your name as well? If you can't go anywhere, and all you can do is wait, I would just start preparing yourself. Can you maybe attend classes at a trade school in the interim? Try to focus on a future of free of him and forget about the past that is so tied up with him. While you have a right to be angry, there's nothing you can do to change the past. All you can do is prepare for the future.

Best of luck to you.

crawfordrose's picture

oh believe me, I pulled out

oh believe me, I pulled out the scriptures and showed him how important it is to keep a marriage together and to accept reconciliation! DH thinks it doesn't apply to this situation, essentially. I won't join join his church (he's Mormon) therefore we can't get a temple marriage (in the LDS faith, the highest form of salvation is a celestial marriage which requires the husband and wife to be good, upstanding Mormons and sealed in the LDS temple). However, the LDS church teaches to honor all marriages, even if you aren't sealed in the temple. DH claims that the Spirit wants him to get married in the temple, and that because I've turned down his "offer" to "follow him on this path" that he will "let me go on my own path". *headdesk* but, as I said, it isn't the only excuse he's been using to rationalize divorcing me.

I'm flummoxed about his church's role in this as well. They know he is planning to divorce me. I called his church's bishop and asked for documentation of them paying the bills (all of which include my name on the accounts) and i was told that i have to send him (the bishop) a subpeona first which would then be sent to church headquarters and then they would decide ultimately what to do.... (???!!!)

I've already plotted my course on what needs to be done as things play out, regarding legal stuff. I'm receiving financial support from immediate family, but no one has room to take me and all three kids in long-term. My biggest challenge is getting financially independent as a single mom. oh dear lord, how am I going to afford daycare? I haven't been employed since 2010 and I've only worked retail and restaurant minimum wage jobs. It makes me ill. Alimony is only awarded after 10 years of marriage, we've been married 6 and a half years, so no alimony. DH isn't doing anything until he's got a job with enough earnings to file and move out. He says he's going to find a place where he can give the kids enough room to move in. He believes he will be getting 50/50 physical custody. I've been told that I will probably get primary physical custody and he would get visitation.

My other hurdle is dealing with the agony of being physically near him all day, nearly every day. He hasn't moved out, he works at home on the computer, and our house is a cluttered sardine can. I feel that I can't move back or forward, while still struggling with old and new resentment. Being in emotional limbo stinks. 

crawfordrose's picture

And in case anyone is

And in case anyone is wondering, I do NOT hate my DH. Just OVERWHELMED and FRUSTRATED and LONELY. I used to doubt my love for him because he seemed to stop caring about my needs, especially with little help from him for raising the kids (one whom I suspect has ADHD himself) through my pregnancy and post partum period last year. Even now, he holds my former doubts against me.

It's clear that you don't

It's clear that you don't hate him, and that you're just tired and frustrated. I think tired and frustrated would characterize a lot of us.

Emotional limbo does indeed suck. When my hubby and I were split up, and he was refusing to come back yet refusing divorce, I felt like I was being held hostage. I was in a constant state of anxiety. It was awful.

Just try to focus on the future, like I said earlier. Check with your local municipality to see if they know of any low cost (or no cost) training programs. I'm in South Carolina and a lot of programs have been developed to train workers for specific job subsets so the state can claim a "qualified" work force. Given your financial situation, you may qualify to go back to school for free anyway. Some schools even provide daycare. My husband went back to trade school and I noticed that they had daycare in order to help out the students studying elementary education but also as a service to older students who had children.

You have options, so don't give up!