weve been together for 16 years and we've had the rollercoaster ride many have. He's been diagnosed and medicated but little else has changed. We have 2 lovely children . Over the years I've been back and forth with understanding, tolerance, fear, anger, frustration. I've been supportive and understanding and have read as much as I can about ADHD and tried my utmost to be the best I can for us all.
Hes been unfaithful, has got into debt, is short tempered with the kids and has all the usual difficult add behaviours. He's currently addicted to Pokemon go and has got the kids into it so they all go out at all hours for hours chasing imaginary characters. The kids are over it but he's still trying to persuade them to go with him. He's also a kind, sweet man who loves his kids and can be ( or used to be) charming, talented and charismatic.
over the past 2 years things have got pretty bad- life has caught up with us and we have struggled. Finances, business, kids, have all suffered and we've become less and less affectionate and have been pretty horrible to each other. I've planned to leave many times as well as trying to resolve our issues and talk things through. He's had his head in the sand and refused to engage with me. I've read the books, we've been to specialist relatiO ship therapists and yet we somehow never get back in track but never separate either. I paid for Melissa's online relationship course but he showed no interest in doing it. We've been limping along pretending hi ha are ok.
so tonight he finally says he thinks we're over and I'm suddenly faced with him making the decision instead of me and I don't know how I feel. I still love him but agree we can't go in like this. I don't know if I'm just afraid, sad, worried for the kids, or do I really still want to be with him. Is it a case of not accepting him making the decision? Wounded pride? I'm so confused and uncertain. I k ow no one else can know my situation or make a decision for me but I feel so alone and just don't know what to do. Any support or thoughts ?
Thank you
What do you want?
Submitted by vabeachgal on
Isa,
Independent of your H and taking into account wounded pride (I get that), what do you want? Pay attention to actions, not words. Is your ideal version of life with your husband possible if he's not engaging with you or individually seeking help? I don't think it's unreasonable to consider that he's at a point where he doesn't know what to do so bailing seems like an easy answer.
Your situation is eerily similar to mine, down to the last 2-3 years being really bad. Dating sites and inappropriate behavior. Hobbies that didn't make sense (admittedly to me, so who am I to say?) Ridiculous debt I was unaware of. Not helpful with the kids and family - yep. You painted a picture and I see it. It's the watercolor of my life.
Maybe I'm off base, but based on this forum, it kind of sort of seems like the spouse reaction is "oh crap, I've ignored this for years and now my spouse wants to leave me, how do I fix this NOW and I want to change but don't have a clue what to do" or "I'm stuck. I don't know what to do so I'm done things are really bad so I"m going to ignore it by going." I guess if it goes on for so long it gets to the two extremes.
If he's made this decision (and will he stick to it with his ADD?) focus on what's next for you and the children. He's not in and he's not actually out. What is that as far as an actual life? It seems like it needs to go ONE direction in a hurry for your peace of mind.
I do believe that it's a grieving process and you will need to give yourself time to process the grief.
Thank you vabeachgal for not
Submitted by Isa on
Thank you vabeachgal for not leaving me a voice in the wilderness.
Im just so sad. It's so possible to live in a fantasy where things are bad, the worse so when they're only bad again you can deal with it. Then sometimes the sun shines and it all seems possible again. That's how I've lived for so long, it feels as though that life is ok and I don't have to be the one to make any decisions to break up my family. So now he's taking that from me and I'm in a spin.
Sorry im not saying anything new just needing to ramble and untangle it all in my head and heart.
My heart goes out to you. It
Submitted by vabeachgal on
My heart goes out to you. It will take awhile to sort it out, but you appear to have the strength to do it.
Split
Submitted by Kitty Jo on
I feel your struggle. I went through the exact same thing. My spouse acted like he wanted a divorce (ignored me, went out with his friends, no romance). He told me he didn't want a divorce, but his behavior became worse even though he said he wanted to go to a marriage counselor. This happened several times. Then he told me his personal therapist said we should get a divorce, which I thought was a weird thing for a therapist to say. Then I discovered he was having multiple extramarital affairs, so I blew up and finally filed for divorce. He was very happy.
The hard part for me now is that he tells everyone how he suffered being married to me, I see him on Facebook making suggestive comments to others, letting everyone know he is now available for any sort of party or encounter. It is like he was let out of prison. I feel humiliated. I'm trying to work through these feelings, but it is very difficult.
What I learned from this is that he wanted a divorce all along, but he wanted me to do it. I think its the old I am the parent and he is the child routine. It is hard, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But you will start to have more good days than bad days. You will discover your heart is lighter and you are a happier person. I regret that I wasted so much time hoping things would get better, when he had no intention of working on our relationship.
You are a strong person or you wouldn't have lasted this long. Please find someone to talk to to help you sort through your thoughts. During the early days of filing for divorce, I had a hard time deciding what was fact and what was emotion. I even began to question what I thought was right and wrong, I couldn't imagine the future, I felt hopeless, worthless, like I failed being a wife and mother. I found some of the best people to talk to were people who had gone through divorce. They know your pain and your soul searching. Be kind and patient with yourself. Whatever you decide, best wishes. Take care of yourself.
Friends
Submitted by Kitty Jo on
One more thought...I didn't realize until I was ready to leave that I had no friends. I take responsibility for this. I ended up this way because I was too embarrassed to have people come over to our perpetually messy and dirty house. I didn't like going out with him because he completely ignored me, flirted with other women, etc. I felt worthless as a person. I isolated myself. My ex said, "We will always be friends," to console me I guess. This was a bad move!!
If you have let yourself get in the same boat, you have to find some friends. I made the mistake of needing someone to talk to, but only having my ex as a potential listener. I would call or text him out of loneliness and end up thinking we could work this crazy relationship out (another bad move ). Since I didn't stop communicating with him, I dragged the whole heart wrenching process out. When I stopped contacting him, life got better very quickly.
a gift
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
Hi Isa, I'm sorry you're struggling and I appreciate your honesty in saying that you're uncertain and confused.
I offer you support, of course. And my thoughts are perhaps a bit strong but I'll write them here anyway. Congratulations! This is a gift! You might love your husband, he might be a good man, but you will be so much better off without him. Same for your kids. And, if your experience is like mine, your husband will be better off on his own too (having to face reality rather than having you make things easier for him which means making it easier for him to make things worse and worse). Before I got up the courage ot leave my husband, I used to wish he would leave me. I would say to my friends, "I'll never leave him, but I'd be so happy if he left me." Well, things finally got so bad that I did end up leaving him. And I am so happy I did. And my kids are much happier, and much to everyone's surprise, my husband is happier. Most of us in this group are struggling with codependence, which will be cured (mostly) through separation. Yes, it is a blow to be left, but it is also a gift. You might be worried about survival as a single mom, but most people find that, as hard as it is, it is easier than being married to a man who is (quietly or loudly) leading you and your family to financial ruin.
Good luck and stay strong.