Hi all,
My Husband was recently diagnosed with ADD.
I was so pleased for him that he finally had answers as to why he does things a certain way and such. The problem in having is coping with the way he answers questions.
I find he gets very confused easily and will sometimes over explain a situation, or under explain it. Or the worst one is he'll almost disregard the question you ask him and jump in with a different answer to what would have come from a different question.
I've witnessed him do this with Drs and such so it's not just me. I'm trying desperately to be supportive for him and not get frustrated but it's quite difficult sometimes as I suffer with anxiety which I'm getting help for but it sometimes feels like has trying to mislead me in some way. The logical part of me is sure he isn't and this is just part of his condition but other times the anxiety takes over.
I really want to be there for him but I'm just trying to find out if anyone else has this difficulty with their partners. Or if you yourself has ADHD if you find this a problem for yourself?
Any advice is really appreciated. X
ADHD: the eternal challenge
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Getting an ADHD diagnosis is a huge step but making progress on mitigating his symptoms' impact on you is the eternal challenge.
Be sure to go with your husband and participate in his sessions with the psychiatrist as his medication is being determined and as it is adjusted over time. Your opinion and descriptions of your husband's symptoms are likely to be very different from his and the psychiatrist needs to hear how different they are. A common ADHD symptom is the ADHDer does not perceive his actions' impact anyone else negatively. Until your husband takes responsibility and implements consistent actions for managing his ADHD symptoms you have little hope for improvement.
I, too, am experiencing the
Submitted by b.42wallabyway on
I, too, am experiencing the same thing with my partner. She was recently diagnosed with ADHD although I have been encouraging her to get tested for over a year now. She sees a behavioral therapist but is not completely honest with them. She will say things like "once in a great while" and "on occasion" when these things happen multiple times a day. Also - the stonewalling and the manipulation of a situation or conversation happens quite frequently, I notice, particularly when she is defensive or she was called out on something (sometimes she even gets mean and snappy). I also have anxiety and when she does whatever it is that she does when she is trying to confuse me - I get really upset and feel quite dizzy, as though I can't breathe because the utter bs that I am living in during those moments make me feel like I am absolutely mad. I have to replay the conversation/scene to make sure I am not crazy - and then I have to talk it out with MY therapist who completely reassures me that this is a total trait of ADHD. The scariest part is that my partner seems to believe what she is saying isn't crazy and somewhat manipulative - but that she thinks I will buy it. It has been a very long two and a half years and I cry daily - I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for the other couples who have been dealing with this for decades! I am getting all of the support and using all of the tools that I possibly can at this point - I really hope there is light in both of our futures - life is way too short to be in so much pain all of the time - it is also hard enough as it is - no one should have to constantly defend themselves to their own partner that they, in fact, are not crazy.
Hello,
Submitted by rin on
Hello,
I just have to say that being with somebody demands that both partners show empathy, respect, reciprocation and so on. Handicap or not - these human qualities are non-negotiable in my book. Why partner-up with somebody if they can't demonstrate the bare minimum requirements?
- Ri n
A hopefully helpful perspective
Submitted by mike1112014 on
I am a husband with ADHD, diagnosed two years ago and still figuring out the emotional end of this problem. And new to this site, hence jumping on a six month old thread. Medication almost immediately helped my attentiveness and listening, paying immediate dividends professionally, but also has lead to enough progress I am just understanding the emotional toll of this after 35 years. My advice would be don't underestimate the degree to which your SO's belief that these things happen "occasionally" isn't a knowing deflection, but a self-delusion. It may seem like you are being lied to and gaslit, but at least in my case, not seeing these behaviors and clinging desperately to the idea that my ADHD was a minor quirk instead of a major part of who I am, was an attempt at defensive self-preservation I had learned over years and years of not being diagnosed. By the time we're 12, ADHD children have heard an additional 20,000 negative messages, a stat I heard on an ADHD podcast just the other day. I am just beginning to learn how that had a huge effect on me and especially when it came from the people whose approval I craved most, my parents. It made me very sensitive to rejection, a trait I carried into and amplified in my marriage. What I am saying is, telling your SO she is doing these things, if she is anything like me, is piercing a mental shield she has spent her life building and its worked for her. That's why you get a mean and aggressive response, not because she is mad or crazy, but because she is wounded and scared and may not even know thats how she is feeling in the moment. Its important to find a way to communicate these things are happening and she is ignoring/repressing them, without coming off as judgmental or disapproving, which is hard to do when your SO is very sensitive to rejection. What i found helpful as the partner with ADHD, was reading about and getting familiar with Emotional Disregulation and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, its painful to confront, but having that knowledge I can lean on when I am spinning out of control because I feel like every time my wife criticizes me it means she is leaving me, its helped me calm down and react rationally. Maybe when you are discussing this at a good moment, you can mention these things, or just casually drop a few of the articles on those topics from online ADD publications into an email. I'll be the first to admit that rejection sensitivity and self-delusion about how affected we are by ADHD makes it incredibly difficult to approach us, if you do so when we're already arguing about it, it feels like an attack and if you do so when things are good, it feels like we're being criticized even when we're doing fine. In my case, I took the onus to learn about this myself, but only after my wife pushed me to see someone and get diagnosed. Its not an easy process, but it has paid dividends for me. I hope this has helped somehow. Good Luck.
Thanks Mike.....
Submitted by c ur self on
This kind of information (coming from the add/adhd minded indiv.) is always helpful in my opinion....The emotional state of a person who is lost in a delusional state of mind, (Self blindness) is almost impossible to communicate rationally with when it comes to their living of life, and what it produces for others.....
When a person's mind is LOCKED in a fixed state of belief, or when fear of truth about themselves forces them into the impenetrable state of denial, it's devastating and destructive to any relationship...The proof is always seen and experienced in the reality of day to day life....Be thankful for a wife who was patient and committed enough to endure, and not give up on you....And cheer's to you, for hearing her....
c
holy cow
Submitted by repeat that please on
my wife used to poke me in the side when i asked a person a question i just asked and he just answered. that kind of thing occurred frequently pre-adhd treatment. my specialty was nodding, frowning, shaking my head, raising my eyebrows, humming or groaning, etc., depending on what i thought you were saying. i had no idea what you said, but i'd rely on your tone of voice, inflection, pace, sounds of anger, happiness, etc., to try to gauge the appropriate response.
adhd is confounding and embarrassing and humiliating and i wouldn't trade it. the benefits from the drugs i take for it have lifted me out of hell. i have a working brain. it is a miracle --- to me
confusion
Submitted by repeat that please on
I'll add that I faked my way through many situations if I could. As demands became more complex, it was harder to do. With meds I can hear. I can follow instructions. I can follow conversations. It is truly a miracle for me.
I can appreciate the trouble so many have expressed about their SOs, yet I also wonder if the treatment, primarily the meds they take, are working? I was a total disaster most of my life. I never realized others didn't have to fake their way through life. I thought everybody was deaf to varying degrees. It was more than an eye opener when my first dose of Ritalin kicked in and I could pay attention for the first time in my life at age 40. I was in shock. I was delighted and sad. I overflowed with joy because I finally found what had destroyed me and it could be rectified, and terrible sadness over all I'd missed and the abuse I'd received for being so misunderstood.
This is refreshing to read
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I am so happy for you, repeat. If my husband is ever in a receptive moment, I may just show him this post. He is so adamant that he is "like everyone else"... he has no idea. He so often can't follow a conversation. He has people frustrated at and disappointed in him often. He loses track of personal belongings many times daily and must search for them in a heightened state of panic. But there is no way to explain to him that it doesn't have to be that way or isn't that way for others. But showing him your post - at the right time... maybe.
Thank you for sharing and best wishes!
Treatment
Submitted by repeat that please on
Glad to have shared some information that was helpful to you.
I used to think, frequently, that I was smarter than most people and if they would just hurry up and get to the point, I wouldn't have to interrupt them to explain what they were taking too long to tell me. Ha! I really believed that.
Hallowell believes that our minds are exceptionally quick; that we are gifted, and that we need a braking system that actually works so that we don't drive into ditches. In fact, Hallowell is very positive and enthusiastic about our potential and for what we can achieve. In his practice he has observed many ADHDers just take off and do things once believed impossible for them. That has been my experience. For example, I couldn't read what you wrote without my meds. I would read the same paragraph over and over and over and not have a clue what I'd just read. And, to formulate a reasonably articulate response was brutal. I used to drink massive amounts of caffeine to wake up my brain to be able to get by, to read and organize my thoughts.
Now, I love to read and write! Let me quickly add that of course everyone is different. Some have ADHD severely. Others have a mild case of it. There is a continuum. Some people learn to compensate for it while others struggle terribly night and day. A really good medical professional, highly qualified in this field, is so important. Books by experts are very helpful, too. The founder of this website knows ADHD very well which is why I'm here. Many on the net are not that well informed, IMO, and accurate information is critical for those who suffer from this disorder.
I spent my childhood in hell. My folks were highly educated and the only reason they could come up with to explain my failures in school was laziness. They believed and told me almost daily that I was a worthless, spoiled, no good kid because I wouldn't try hard in school. I wanted to please them deeply and was distraught that I didn't perform well in school. I was totally devastated that I ruined their lives, that I was such a horrible kid.
Our self-esteem takes a beating. Inside a true ADHDer is an unspoken, deeply buried anguish, a constant sense of pain and we don't know why it's there. We are also highly sensitive to the pain we see in others. Underneath it all, we have huge loving hearts. Sometimes it's on the surface, but one way or another, it's there.