My husband and I have been together for 13 year, married for almost 3. We are on the verge of divorce and things are not going well. He has always known he had ADD, but always thought if he tried harder that things would get better. I have been begging him to get help for years, and only last month did he decide that he did need help and started taking medication and seeing a psychologist after I told him that if he didn't do something that I would leave him.
The problem is that he quit his full time job right after we got married and has not worked full time since. He is not an equal partner in our marriage and I am left to worry about the bills, our house, all of the finances. We can't start a family or make any plans because of the situation that we are in with him only working part time for the past 3 years. I've tried everything that I can think of and things will turn positive for about a month and then its like he forgets and is back to his old ways. I feel like I am just beating my head against the same door over and over and nothing is every going to change.
He has definitely made progress in the last 2 months but I just don't know if it is going to last or if he is really going to be able to change. I don't know if I can forgive him or get past my anger and resentment. I have been trying but nothing is helping, any one have suggestions on how to get past this? He still does not have a full time job or the prospect of getting one...
OMG I'm going thru the same
Submitted by hope09 on
OMG I'm going thru the same exact thing. My husband moved out into his parents house. He will admit its his ADHD in one breathe and then turn around in the next and blame me for EVERYTHING!!! He has refused to work and take care of responsibilities. I feel so alone and abandoned. I wish I had a advice for you but I can't even help myself. I'm devastated.
Enabling parents?
Submitted by ZeroEight on
My husband has also moved to his parents house. His mother is battling leukemia. The same day she was diagnosed he lost his job. He had been pushing his managers for a while in that direction. But as he has been hyperfocused on his mother's illness, we haven't even been able to address the ADD or the work/financial situation. He has abandoned all the responsibilities of his marriage and left me alone in the house. He even took our dog with him...
His parents have enabled him for a long time and now while he takes care of his mother, his father continues to work. I don't understand why I have to give up MY spouse and MY life while the parents continue to do what they need to do to pay the bills. But they have never expected him to be an adult, and so as soon as he has to start taking on adult responsibilities (such as supporting a wife) he runs back to them.
Hope09 - I feel your loneliness and abandonment. It's really hard to feel you got married in order to have a partner in life and then find that they cannot uphold the responsibilities of that partnership. If the parents are continuing to encourage his behavior (and maybe always have, rather than getting him help for the ADD) then it's a no-win situation. Focus on yourself and your own sanity. And stay strong!
You are right on!
Submitted by hope09 on
His parents completely enable him. His father also has ADHD, anger issues and my mother in law says, "well you knew who you married and his father is the same way". I'm sorry but that's not a good excuse! I'm working 2 jobs sometimes 3 while he does nothing (smokes weed and sleeps all day!!!!). He told me straight out, "I don't want to work", "I want to come and go as I please", "you are a cunt", "you're a bad wife", "you don't do anything to help me"...GOD, I can go on and on!!!!!!!!!!!! They tell me I don't give him the attention he needs but I try to touch him and he says to me that I'm like a fly...a fly!!!! He hates to be touched or hugged! I try and try and I can't win!
My husband has relied on his father for 29 years to get him a job...he can't even get one on his own!? It's like his parents want him to need them...its so sick and twisted. Rather then saying be a man and take care of your wife and responsibilities they tell him to move home and insult me that I'm not doing a good job taking care of him!!! It's like he fckn has a hall pass because he has ADHD. He can be as implusive, explosive, harsh, defensive, critical, depressed, angry, irrational, cruel, disrespectful, abusive as he likes and I should just deal with it!?
Tell me I'm not going crazy!? Where is the love and partnership? Why can't it exist? I'm a healthy, rational, secure, emotional human being and I know the difference between right/wrong, rational/irrational, love/abuse...I'm well aware of everything and yet I sit here and put all the responsibility on me! I'm so drained and depressed! I blame myself but I know its not me!
My husband nor his family are deserving to have me in their life. I hate to give up but I've been personally attacked, criticized and abandoned. He's destroyed my self worth, confidence and happiness. He can't connect with emotions and I'm passionate about life! I can go on for days and days. This is so hard.
Did you know he didn't believe in working when you married him?
Submitted by Sueann on
Did you know you were marrying a man who expected you to support him? Or (this is probably more likely) you didn't know that because he actually had a job. There is no excuse for his behavior in either case.
I got snookered by that problem. My husband had always lived with his mother, and he was over 40. She got him to stay with her when he started working after college so that they could afford to keep the family home. I've never known why that was so important to her. He would have done far better if she'd moved into a condo she could afford and let him live his own life.
She never expected him to wash clothes, iron, clean, etc. and it was OK with her if he only worked part time. She could get him to cook because he likes cooking and she cleaned up after, so he never got the concept that wrappers, cans and onlion skins, etc go in the trash.
I made it clear he needed a full time job before I would give up my alimony and marry him. 6 weeks after we got married, he got fired for something very ADD-like and didn't work full-time again for 3 years. I finally got him to seek treatment and now he works.
I have no idea what makes a person think they are a privileged character and don't have to work. I've often wondered where that sense of entitlement comes from. You are probably going to need to cut him loose for your own sanity, but he won't learn anything by it because his parents will pick up the pieces. You did nothing wrong. I hold the same expectations of marriage as you do.
You're NOT crazy!
Submitted by ZeroEight on
I'm appalled my husband's parents don't tell him to grow up and go be with his wife, but the mother is clearly codependent and having him at their beck and call is what they want. It makes him feel needed without actually having to assume responsibility. He has said he expects unconditional love from me (what you get from a mother, not a wife) and doesn't understand that that's not what you get with marriage. The parents never addressed his ADD - they just kept supporting him - but that's not surprising because the family never addressed the mother's alcoholism either.
He says he can't do things because of the ADD, but then won't do what he needs to do to manage it.
I have been so unhappy for the last year of my marriage (we haven't even been married 2 years). I'm only 33, he's 31. Luckily we have no kids. I'm already mourning the loss of the marriage because I don't see how we'll ever get past both the ADD and his enabling parents (and siblings).
You sound a lot like me. We've both lost ourselves and unwittingly become the alternate enablers. But as soon as you try to change that, they will run back to the parents. It IS sick and twisted.
I believe you deserve more than that. I know I do. I am waiting for his mother's illness to be resolved before I take any action regarding our marriage. But I will not be here for him to turn to when his mother either recovers or passes away. Mentally, I am already moving on. I can't live in the darkness very long, and he seems able to.
Perhaps the ADD could be managed if there wasn't the double whammy of the enabling parents. But clearly, neither of us is in a healthy situation. Do what you need to do for yourself. You can't change someone who won't change himself, and he will drag you into the dysfunction if you allow it.
Keep in touch on the Boards here! I'm happy to keep you updated and send my support as well...
Oh thank you!!!
Submitted by Astrea on
"It makes him feel needed without actually having to assume responsibility"
One of the long term problems I had with my fiancee was that he would rush off at the drop of a hat to help anyone who asked with anything they needed while I couldn't even get him to take the bins out. That statement helps me understand that behaviour a lot better. Thank you.
There's a movie scene...
Submitted by ZeroEight on
where the character claims he'd die for his girlfriend... but he won't clean up the dishes!
There seems to be an illusion of playing the "hero" to others because there is such a lack on control over his own life. If he would address the ADD, that might improve. Is your fiance now your husband?
Heavens no!
Submitted by Astrea on
We've agreed that we won't get married until we're both happy with how our relationship is. For him, that means working on the things that are causing the problems in our relationship and for me, that means letting go of certain expectations and modifying my reactions. We both have a lot of work to do and getting married right now would be a very bad idea.
How the pendulum swings...
Submitted by ZeroEight on
The mother is now headed back to the hospital, and guess who's now communicating again?
I'm flying home this weekend to spend Mother's Day with MY mother. My husband says he's taking his mom back to the hospital tomorrow. I've been sending compassionate emails in response to his nasty communications. Now he is offering to drive me to the airport and feed my bunny while I'm gone, which I assume means that he's planning to move back home as well.
I told him that I was driving myself and I have the bunny covered. I'm not ready for him to come back until we have some time to work through everything that has brought us to this point over the last year. And I do not plan to have him back unless there's some real change. Which may be never.
I refuse to be emotionally manipulated. I saw this coming a mile away...
You go, Girl!
Submitted by Sueann on
You are seeing his manipulation for what it is. His mother isn't available to "mother" him so he wants you to do it. Have a lovely weekend with your mother! And I hope you come back even stronger. It does not sound like you need this man in your life.
Thanks!
Submitted by ZeroEight on
I appreciate your comment! It's so nice to be able to find some support here. :)
What a weekend
Submitted by ZeroEight on
My husband's mother passed away on Mother's Day while I was visiting my own family. I just don't see how this situation could get any worse.
After failing to communicate with me for the last several weeks, removing his wedding band, sending nasty emails threatening divorce and finally taking the dog with him to live at his parents (leaving me alone with no family around), he expected me to cancel my trip to be there for him while his mother was dying. The irony is that they never even did anything for their mother for Mother's Day when she was alive. *I* was the one who put together the Mother's Day celebration last year, in our first year of marriage.
I tried so hard to make this marriage work, and in the end, I am the monster wife who was not there when his mother died. It is like one big, bad dream. I am so done. I see no way for this to work because now it will be all about his mother's death and I can see him using this to hurt me over and over again. I cannot wait to end this marriage and get on with my life. Yet now I have to get past a memorial service before I can do anything.
My parents are sick with worry to see me go through this alone. I will have my friends, and my business, and I will survive. I am ready to regain my sanity. I will not live this way. I can only hope that he finds help so that no one else has to go through this with him again.
you are strong
Submitted by brendab on
ZeroEight,
I will have my friends, and my business, and I will survive. I am ready to regain my sanity. I will not live this way.
When I read this I thought to myself, this woman will make it. She is strong and will do whatever is right for herself. I would suggest you write this down somewhere and remind yourself daily. I am sorry for all the people here who are really hurting, but it seems the only way to recover is to take care of yourself first.
One of my daughter's counselors told her to see her life as a wheel with lots of spokes. She said that if one spoke is broken, the wheel will still turn. But if you focus on the one broken spoke and never get on the bike your life will be paralyzed. Instead remind yourself that all the rest of the spokes are strong and the wheel is in good shape. Just trust it and ride the bike.
You took the first step by looking at the strong, working spokes in your life-your parents, business, friends, and your own inner resolve to take care of yourself. I wish you the best.
Brenda
So very well said!
Submitted by Clarity on
Good analogy. I often vaccilate between focusing on all the good spokes and being frozen by the one. I suppose even when you're riding there's still bumps in the road!
NON ADD HUSBAND AND DIVORCE
Submitted by lrackard on
My husband left me in Jan. Im the one with adhd..I never knew how my adhd impacted us. Im emotionally reactive...He said I alway like to fight over nothing..I have no gray area...If you say anything thats what I expect ....I read the book ADhd and romance...Well they must have wrote the book about me..I read it in one night ..hyperfocus is wonderful... I call my husband and took all the blam for our marrage... Read more books and declutter....symplied my home...Blackberry with to do list...I find Im more responsble when I have the list...Got ahold of my emotional reactivity...Find I still nut up but I learned to drive around to calm down....He thinks Im using Adhd as an excuse..Ive tried to get him to read some on the book....He says skimming...I worked hard to 3mts now...I trying to prove to him I can change..He has told me he sees us devorcing. I did start adderall in March for the frist time I felt his emotions when he spoke... I could also have a conversation and listen and understand his side...But Im still lost...Dr took me off the med and dx me with bipolar... said he had to get that under control first...Im still making progress but I dont think Im biporlar....I just react to stress and my feelings and I hyperfous when needed. I need help and some positive feed back....I trying to show him Iv change he doesnt think it will last....But this is the first time Ive ever tried to understand his side....Please help Im sooo lost.
Keep up the work for yourself...
Submitted by ZeroEight on
You need to continue to work on your own issues and show some long term change in order to win back your husband's trust. You can encourage him to get educated, too, but he may have to see a change in you first.
Don't give up on the progress you're making. Stick with it because regardless of what happens with your husband, it will allow you to improve your quality of life.
The strongest thing you can do is take responsibility and effect your own change. Keep it up!
I have ADHD
Submitted by dbf32771 on
I am a woman with ADHD. I have been married for 8 years. We have one child. I got diagnosised in 2004 with ADHD inattentive. I feel I can give you the following advice as I have been in relationships in which I was the "enabler".
The biggest challenge to conquer is to realize that you can only change yourself. Making your husband feel that he is to be the entire blame for the problems in the marriage is wrong.It is easier to say that my marriage is not working because my spouse has ADHD. It is harder to admit that you may have some other problem. That was very hard for me in my previous relationship. Now, I feel when my husband says the reason why she is like this is because of my ADHD. This makes me feel terrible. Irealize my problems are visable and need to be treated. I also feel it is not fair to just judge me as the fault. I tell my husband sometimes, you are not perfect either. Sometimes I feel I have to give-in to you. A marriage with ADHD involved works best when both spouses recognize their faults and differences. Both spouses need to reach a common goal(s) and to "give and take".
Very true
Submitted by ZeroEight on
"A marriage with ADHD involved works best when both spouses recognize their faults and differences."
I agree wholeheartedly with this. I feel I have taken real measures to attempt to understand my husband's ADD, to examine my own behavior and learn how I can change it and where we can go for help. But my husband is insisting that things will never work out because he believes that *I* won't change. In the meantime, while I can show actual work that I am doing to try to move forward and rehabilitate our marriage, he continues to throw out examples of things that happened a year and a half ago as evidence that this is just my personality and I will always be this way. So he's given up on me before he's done anything himself to prove that he wants to take responsibility for what he needs to do as well. I have done so much to try to accommodate him, and while I do more and more, he does less and less.
Marriage takes effort from both sides to work. That is true even if there is no ADHD involved. When only one spouse is making the effort, the only result will be anger, resentment, and the downfall of the marriage.