Husband in denial about ADHD, I have cancer

We were told a year ago that my husband had ADHD, but he says it never happened. I've been reading and trying to change the way I react to him but he is withdrawn from our marriage and gives his attention more to his adult daughter and her family. It seems he can only love one person at a time and she has been it for the last couple of years.

I've been recently diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer and need my husband now. He told me he does not want to take care of a sick wife. I'm now on chemotherapy and often very ill but he ignores me feeds himself, shops for himself for food and doesn't want to help me in anyway. He tells me I'm selfish and self centered if I ask for help. I have wonderful friends who bring food to me each day and he thinks they should feed him too, after all his wife is too sick to cook.

i showed him the Attention Film today hoping he could see himself in it but he just went into a rage. I am at my wits end, the only hope for our marriage is for him to get help but he thinks his problem is that I'm too critical. I love my husband but my life has gotten to be so difficult and I don't know where to turn. At a time when I need support and peace for my recovery, I have an angry husband who just wants to ignore me and do what pleases him. I think I could be dead for a few days before he would even notice and we sleep together. Anybody got any good ideas I feel stuck.

Wow, I am genuinely sorry to

Wow, I am genuinely sorry to hear all of this. You are going through an incredibly hard time, and it really sucks that you do not have the support that you deserve from your husband. When you say you were "told" that he has ADHD, was it a proper assessment and diagnosis?

To be honest, his behaviour is fairly extreme - shopping for and making only enough food for himself when you are going through chemo is just horrendous :( I wouldn't be attributing this behaviour to the ADHD at all, it seems like something else in my opinion.

Have you perhaps considered going to stay with a friend or relative for a while? It is fantastic that you have such fantastic, supportive friends - this is more than a lot of people have. Lean on your friends during this time, let them help you. Distance yourself from the hostility and negativity that your husband is radiating - you need to look after yourself this time. I definitely think individual therapy would be a great idea - have you considered this? Going through what you are, it could help you a lot.

I really think that you need to focus on yourself at the moment, and not your husband - easier said than done, I know :(

Good luck with everything.

 

 

I'm so sorry to hear about

I'm so sorry to hear about your illness.

Wow. My first reaction would be to remove yourself from that environment as soon as possible. Is there any other family who would be able to care for you during this time and give you the TLC you need? You need to be in a place where this kind of ADHD-related stress doesn't exist for you. You are dealing with a dire medical need right now. Your husband either is in denial (and running to his adult daughter for support) and/or the ADHD is not allowing him to process it and move beyond the point of feeling freaked out by your illness. I find when confronted with an event they cannot control, the ADHD spouse will become belligerent about it.

I don't know your dh but if it's not denial/ADHD/opposition, I see a huge narcissistic bent in your spouse. Narcissists need the person in front of them (their partner) to mirror what they want to see in themselves. Narcissists is just like the myth, they are in love with themselves and need other people to reflect that back to them. They do not want to see illness in their partner, they feel annoyed if they see sick or elderly people almost to the point of wanting nothing to do with them.  I am going to assume his adult daughter is in good health and by all appearances "perfectly perfect". That is the kind of individual the narcissistic individual gravitates toward, to fuel their need to have only their "self" image reflected back to them...

The stress is only going to cause strain on your health. You honestly do not need to be trying to solve the conflict right now, of all times. You need a warm caring environment to rest and get your health back. If you stay, then you need to basically ignore your spouse, find another way to communicate without conflict. Basically dropping battles, or walking off/refusing to own the blame, when he starts a battle. All with the clarity you need to stay at peace.

Wow that is some really

Wow that is some really selfish behavior. My hubby acts some like this. I can't imagine what you are going through but at the same time I can see myself going through the EXACT same thing if I had cancer.

I have 3 daughters, my hubby is 15 years older than me which is a challenge to begin with, and the 2 youngest are 4 and 2. Very busy time in our life. My husband helps more with these last 2 children than the older one. However he sees nothing wrong with laying in bed while I get the kids ready in the morning to drop off. If he's off work, it's HIS day, don't I dare make a plan for him like say to watch his children. What he does do for me is let me sleep in on Sunday but honestly that's to shut me up I think not for my benefit.

The past 5 weeks I have been sick with a cough that would make me throw up, really sick. Horrific head ache and sinus ache. I've been on a z pack twice in 5 weeks and only today am feeling slightly better.  Very slight. Through these weeks, comes home when he wants and if I call and say hey I'm not feeling well, please get home so I can sleep, he still comes home on his time. Very very very selfish man.

Yesterday when I started crying saying when am I gonna get well, I just don't know what to do. He starts telling me who told you to talk like that, now it's going to happen.  When all I needed at that point was a hug and a it'll be okay not being told how wrong I am.

So anyway we can share more stories if you'd like. I know it helps me to feel as if I'm alone. Such a lonely life we lead at times.

God bless you and I will say some prayers for you.

thinking of you

PeggySue, 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sending you good thoughts and prayers for your happiness and recovery.

I am a big believer in good energy and surrounding yourself with positive people when you are trying to heal. I agree with the others--it sounds like you have great friends around. How wonderful. Can you stay with them, or have your DH leave and go stay with his daughter or something, while you deal with this? You are so right--you do need support and peace, and you deserve it! If your DH is getting angry and calling you selfish while you battle cancer and go through chemo, it cannot be helping you heal, right? Instead of spending your energy trying to get him to do what he doesn't seem capable of doing, you can focus your energy on being with people who can help you, and getting well. 

Peace to you and best wishes.