My husband has happily worked for almost 3 years in a private, government-funded mental health company. He was a peer specialist, which means he has to have a diagnosed mental illness and be successfully treating it. He's had problems with notes, losing cell phones, getting lost (all things associated with ADD). But he was late yesterday because I lost my purse which had his keys in it. He told his boss the truth and today he got fired for it.
This makes, I think, job loss #8 in the 6 years of our marriage. I am not working either and I don't know how we are going to survive. I am not even sure I want to continue to be married to someone who can't provide for us financially. We really thought he had found his niche, and now he's lost that too.
Can someone think of anything encouraging to say?
You will be OK!!
Submitted by me-add he-add-free on
I have ADHD and have been employed by 8 different companies in less than 2 years. I worked for one company for over 7 years until I was fired for issues related to my ADD, immediately found another but then the same thing happened after 6 months. I collected unemployment because that employer didn't let me know about any issues they had with my performance and just cut me loose but my self esteem was crushed. It took 6 months of complete and total depression and despair for me to be able to have any kind of self worth in my ability to support my family again and had gone through 2 more employers that didn't work out. I found an amazing position that I excelled at but was laid off unexpectedly. Another 2 month stint in a position well beneath my abilities plus working after my 8 hour day was over for a friend of mine just to keep food on the table. I kept my attitude positive and KNEW it would all be ok, despite facts all around me to the contrary, I was abruptly asked to come back as a permanent employee to the company I loved in a new position totally outside my comfort zone but one that I had faith I could do-or at least figure out. My husband has been underemployed or unemployed during the last 2 years as well and we are now simply trying to pay the mortgage and keep the lights on and will likely be filing bankruptcy soon. We have a 3 year old and have had other life changing events occur (family member suicide) in the last few months that have really made us aware of what is truly important-keeping our family together.
All that being said we still struggle with financial security and not feeling utterly desperate when our bank account is overdrawn and we need milk and gas but we are a team. My husband has been feeling very ignored, lonely, upset and angry with/at me and I've been so overwhelmed by life coupled with untreated ADHD that all I can do is lie in bed most days after work and on weekends. We reached an impasse and I know he felt completely hopeless in our relationship. Then, he found the book The ADHD Effect on Marriage and ordered it online. He had read only a few pages and said it was like a light went on. He finished the book and now I'm reading it but now that we're both on the same page we can work together to make this life together something we are both happy with and proud of. I was pretty pissed at first because I've been reading about ADHD since my diagnosis in 2005 and he never seemed to be interested, despite my underlining and flagging and writing his name on pages I thought he should read in the 10+ books I was reading on the topic. Although I felt like screaming "It's about damn time!" at his recent epiphany, actually I think I did do that, I really am just happy he finally got it and became interested enough in trying to save our relationship to join me on my quest for knowledge about this sometimes horrible, sometimes awesome ADHD journey.
In the last 2 years I have read probably 50-100 books trying to not go completely crazy and the topics include ADHD, Depression, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Self-Help, Spirituality, Work-finding the right job for you, 13 on suicide, many more on the survivor personality or traits of survivors, how to be successful, how to not be so afraid, bankruptcy, good lord you name it and I've read it! Our commitment to being a team is what has kept us from just giving up. Don't expect someone else to support you, financially or emotionally, take responsibility for yourself and have faith you will be OK. Your husband is a big boy, capable of accomplishing whatever he wants and you are too, you just need to realize what you have the ability to impact and change and what you don't. Be mindful of the good things, birds singing, america's funniest videos (how can you not laugh at people falling down?) and decide to work as a team.
Best of luck to you, BELIEVE in each other but mainly believe in yourself!
I'm so sorry to hear this...
Submitted by YYZ on
I understand the terror of losing my job. I had not lost a job since 1994 (laid off) and had a new job in a month's time. I worked at the same company as my wife for over 12 years. I got a tip on a job at another company, it paid a lot more and had good benefits, I got the job and last July, after 3 years of praise on my abilities, I was a luxury the company could no longer afford. I was stunned... Fortunately my ADD has been under control and within 4 hours I was hitting up every contact I knew. I know myself well enough and if I sit and feel sorry for myself I'll lose my confidence and my self image, which is one of my strong suits and I needed to interview well. I was fortunate and had my choice between two companies and was on the job in less than 30 days. The support my wife gave me during this time was a key to my success. I also believe that I present myself with more confidence and answer unexpected questions without any panic. I hope your husband can look at his new job is getting a job. I'll keep my fingers crossed and will sure be thinking of you and your husband.
YYZ
I know myself well enough
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I know myself well enough and if I sit and feel sorry for myself I'll lose my confidence and my self image, which is one of my strong suits
I believe this has happened to my husband...and fear it will soon cost him his job. I won't even get into all of the details, but there has never been anything he could not fix when it came to computers. He's not only a remarkable troubleshooter, he is a programmer, does networking, etc. He has a reputation for being 'the' person to go to for computer work in our town. All self-taught, too, which makes it that much more amazing. However, since his 'unravel' after stopping ADHD meds, and getting himself somewhat out of that hole, there are some issues at work that he claims "just can't be fixed". One minute he'll say "I know how to fix it..it won't take me 30 minutes" then he'll say "I've tried everything, it can't be fixed" and then he'll say "it is working, it is just (his boss) who is the problem". I don't know what to believe, but he is spending (according to him) every waking minute on it and insists I just need to "understand". One issue is a virus..that he says he cannot get off of the network where he works. I'm no genius, but why not just reformat? I've seen him have to do that for people 1000 times to get rid of viruses on their computers. He said he didn't want to have to do that. I said "It would not be the end of the world" to which he replied "IT WOULD TO ME!!" I guess he would rather spend another 2-3 months trying to 'beat' this virus than to just reformat and re-join his marriage.
I truly feel he's lost his confidence and that is why he's struggling with these issues. Either that or he's just making excuses to still hide out in the den and disengage from his marriage. He is 100% in the 'victim' role right now, so I feel he's doing just exactly what you're saying...feeling sorry for himself (because I am struggling to recover from his behavior of the past 6 months...I don't trust him and he doesn't want to face the reality that he's done something to make me not trust him)...and he's just lost.
Just rambling..found your comment interesting.
Very similar to my background...
Submitted by YYZ on
"He's not only a remarkable troubleshooter, he is a programmer, does networking, etc. He has a reputation for being 'the' person to go to for computer work in our town. All self-taught, too, which makes it that much more amazing."
I started the same way. I caught the eye of the IT guy at my job where I worked with my wife, then he brought me into IT with no real work experience, but insane trouble-shooting skills, then he noticed the way I broke things into little pieces to build solutions and started me with some programming and here I am now. The "Virus" situation you describe, I have to keep a handle on too... If I try to resolve a virus/malware issue and my timer goes past two hours, I stop, let the owner know that a complete rebuild is the way to go. I can get stuck fighting the unbeatable because I think there is a solution, but I am just not trying hard enough and worry that the next guy will look at it and say "All you had to do was..." then people will figure out that I'm not really that smart... I know that is not true, but the old thought process is still in the back of my mind. I sure hope he can pull himself out of the dark ADD place. I know it is ridiculous to suggest that you give the "Pat on the back" for working so hard on "Fixing the problem" instead of the easy solution, just "Rebuild it" which does not solve the "Actual Problem" but resolves the problem. The user went somewhere and picked up a virus, his fault, maybe, especially to us IT guys that are always fixing these things :) It also is good job security that most people don't understand computers :) The "Pat on the back" is really nice for me when I'm feeling low. He should do the same for you! If he starts feeling better under control, maybe he will return your favor and realize how hard you have been trying all this time. I hope things improve for you and your husband. You deserve TONS of credit for trying to understand whats really going on in your house. (I am Patting You on the back :)
YYZ
Thank you. I admit I've made
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Thank you. I admit I've made my share of mistakes..responded quite poorly to his spiral into ADHD hell...and then once he came out of it, I just completely shut down. Ironic that I beg him for weeks to rejoin the marriage, and once he does, I realized I had put up 12 foot walls. I change my mind about 3 times a day as to whether or not I want to stay and try or just leave.
The virus was discovered while he was 'digging' through some servers that were hacked. (he's over the entire IT department for our city...so the infected computers could span the entire city..so I guess I can understand his reluctance to reformat them all). After the hacking he decided to redo the entire network...since they were so infected that the hackers had set up their OWN network inside of his. The 'virus' is malware...but he said that it is the worst he's ever seen...and that even when he boots up with a disk, it somehow attaches itself to that disk and reinfects the computer. I don't understand any of it, but to be honest I feel it is all just excuses to buy himself more time away from his family, in the den....alone. Not saying it doesn't exsist, or isn't an issue, just saying it feels like there will always be 'something' ... some excuse. He does get completely consumed by things like this, I know that is his nature...to try and 'beat it'.
Anyway...amazing how much you guys have in common when it comes to things like this. Many ADHDers are in IT.
Does anyone know how to keep up his ADHD treatment...
Submitted by Sueann on
without insurance?
He takes Concerta. He's tried almost all the ADD meds but they've either had awful side effects (hands shaking to the point he got arrested for DWI, depression)or not worked. The local mental health agency does not treat adult ADD and these drugs are so EXPENSIVE!
If he doesn't continue treating it, he'll never get another job. He's better on the meds, but by no means "nomal." ARRGH! I don't see where we can continue his insurance through COBRA.
So sorry to hear this!
Submitted by SherriW13 on
i am so sorry. I guess I would try and be encouraging. Hopefully he will be motivated enough to start looking or something else immediately. Maybe this is what it took to get him out of the mediocre paying job and into something better. Praying for your family!
Sherri, that's what my daughter said
Submitted by Sueann on
When I told her he had lost his job, she said "Good, now he'll have to look for something better." The problem is that he loved that job (much more than me) and I fear he will fall back into the blue funk that kept him from even looking for a job for over 2 years. If he can't do a normal job while medicated, how in the world is he going to do one without meds? Every treatment modality for ADHD costs money-behavioral therapy, meds, counseling. And we have none. We don't even know if he is going to be able to get unemployment.
We were able to have one more counseling session over the weekend (we assumed boss didn't cancel the insurance at 5 pm on a Friday) and she tried to encourage him as well. She suggested a workshop they do at her place about managing adult ADHD, but I don't see where we can afford it.
If one of us does not have a job before the end of June, we are going to have to split up. We can pay June rent. My daughter will take me and the cats, and hubby and the dog can go live with his mother. I can't live with MIL (no shower or bathtub and no oven) and my daughter won't take hubby in. So, hopefully, that will give him motivation. I know nothing about his line of work, so I'm not going to be much help to him.
Just one more example of how ADD can ruin someone's life.
How to address poor job hunting skills?
Submitted by Sueann on
We are still hanging in there. I think we can pay August rent because I got a part-time job. He has had one interview which went nowhere. He has another as I write this. But it's been a nightmare getting him ready.:
He lost the notebook with his references in it. The one reference is one of the most important people in mental health in our area. He lost it! That reference is the most important tool to get him a new job.
He asked me for help writing a reference sheet to give them but never sat down and did it, or gave me the information so I could do it. I had to run a work errand this morning and wasn't here to remind him so he just chose not to do it.
How can a person get a job if he won't do the steps for looking for one? Why won't he do what he needs to do? Does he expect me to support him? Is he sabotaging himself on purpose?
ADDers give wonderful interviews, but do they ever get jobs after being fired?
sabotage
Submitted by ellamenno on
We so often sabotage ourselves (ADDers). It is frightening and frustrating and painful and we don't know WHY we let it happen. It is a state of paralysis driven by fear. (I say 'fear' but in the interest of full disclosure I must admit that it is more accurate to say 'mortal terror.' at least in my case) I know EXACTLY how your husband feels right now. I know EXACTLY the spongy, blurry, underwater, drowning feeling he has in his head right now. I know EXACTLY how helpless he feels. I know EXACTLY how worthless he feels. and I know with certainty that he has no idea how angry you are and he has no idea how 'EASY' it could be to take the steps you've listed. I know they are obvious things to do. I know it looks sooo so so so selfish and stupid. I know this makes no sense. I have BEEN ON THE INSIDE OF IT and it makes no f*cking sense. For him (and his ADD brothers & sisters) those steps are as wide as the Grand Canyon and more foreign than Mars. My heart is breaking for both of you and i am actually in tears as i type this. I wish I had something intelligent to say.
Is he taking his medication? has your insurance for prescriptions run out? is he seeing the counselor still? I wish I had some advice.
Do you sit down and talk to each other at all? I know you're angry, but can you try to talk to him? about anything - anything at all (preferably something you're not angry about) maybe somewhere you went together way back in the beginning of your relationship? something positive/happy?
Thanks for the "other side"
Submitted by Sueann on
He ended up emailing several former colleagues for references, none have answered him. I think those were the empty promises people make when someone is fired, and they meant nothing. Without references, he'll never get a job in this field. But he won't consider retail (lots of experience there) or anything else. I tried the blood plasma thing (they won't take him) but they wouldn't take me either. So I have no idea if we are going to make next month's rent or not.
To answer your questions: Yes, he has his meds. Johnson and Johnson, which makes Concerta, has a good patient assistance program and he's got a card to get it free for a year. I do feel like it may be losing its effectiveness. He's had that problem after a while on every drug he's ever tried. He's running out of drugs to try.
Counseling is another story. I signed him up to go back to the Psychology Clinic at our local university. He had his intake visit, and they told us they couldn't do marriage counseling, he could have individual counseling, but they haven't got back to him yet. I assume he's on a waiting list. They called him to be in a group, but it met on the same night as choir practice, so that wasn't going to happen.
We talk all the time, but not about this. We've been totally absorbed for the last week in helping his mother move. Yesterday he hurt his back helping some guy from Freecycle carry a couch out. We kind of have to talk, we're both "talkers" and we're both here all the time, since, when I do work, I work from home.
The frustrating thing is that he does not seem to care. He's Bobby McFarrin ("Don't Worry, Be Happy") and seems totally oblivious to the danger we are in. He does not seem to care that our marriage is hanging by a thread, and if nothing happens, he will be out on the street and I'll be 90 miles away with my daughter. I have to throw a tantrum to make him care about ANYTHING.
Your response is so compassionate. I wish there was some way to get HIM to tell me things like that. I don't know if that's what he's feeling. He never talks about anything important.
wow Sueann
Submitted by ellamenno on
I just dunno. He may be 'don't worry, be happy" but I know when I went into this kind of shut-down I was not happy and I worried all the time. My husband stopped talking to me about the money, the job searching etc. he just gave up and was in survival mode himself. I was just flailing. Mind you: I say I was flailing, but I was still home with my daughter doing all the cooking/cleaning/car stuff/household stuff. The problem was I wasn't bringing in enough money (and I STILL am not, but i'm way ahead of where I was) and was frozen - not taking any steps toward any employment at all. The only thing that helped was going to a doctor and finding out for sure that there really WAS something wrong with me and getting on Adderall. It's not perfect, and some days, mysteriously, it has no effect at all. one thing I know for sure though: the longer I am in shut down, the harder it is, and more scary it is to get out. I know that having no choice but to get up every day and take care of my kids & home was the only thing that kept me from going into total paralysis.... I HAD to get out the door and pick up my other daughter at school. I HAD to get food or we'd have nothing to eat. Sometimes the 'being late' part of my ADD had nothing to do with lost keys or wallet. it had more to do with being afraid of being 'out there' where I felt helpless and stupid.
I hope you two can pull out of this somehow.
((HUGS!))
Thanks for the compassionate response
Submitted by Sueann on
Ellamenno, you've said you don't make enough money, but the work you do as wife and mom is very valuable, and very difficult. (Just think if your husband had to pay someone to replace you!) I remember those days (my kids are in their 30s) as very hard. My (first) husband was determined that our kids should not be in daycare because he hated daycare as a child, but yet he wanted income from me. I was lucky enough to find a job with a market research company, which allowed me to work from home. But he did nothing in the house and was always pushing me to stop before I reached my quota and make his dinner. (Honestly, food addicts should learn how to cook.) But my kids hated it. As adults, they told me they'd rather have been in daycare where someone was paying at least some attention to them.
It sounds like your husband wants the best of both worlds- an involved "housewife" and mom to take care of his kids, yet bring in income too. You talked about how his colleagues have nannies, but you don't want your kids raised by uncaring "staff." That is hard for anyone, let alone someone with ADD.
My husband did the thing you described where he was just paralyzed after he was diagnosed with ADD. He had a major depressive episode caused by an ADD med (Strattera), we got him off of it and onto another ADD med that seemed to work, yet he went 5 months without putting in a single application. I worked day and night shifts at the job I had then, and just about went crazy. Our marriage counselor got him to start applying, but we don't have one now, and apparently never will. So I am between a rock and a hard place.
You've at least shed a little light on what he might feel like. It's worse because he really loved that job. So I thank you for thinking of us.
well aware...
Submitted by ellamenno on
My husband is very aware of how much it would cost to replace me, but the problem is simple numbers: His salary isn't enough, and he already works day and night nonstop. He isn't 'done' when he comes home from teaching. He has to research, write books, edit journals etc. etc. He is ALWAYS in front of his laptop unless he is eating or sleeping. He can't take on a second job. His career is all-consuming, yet doesn't pay enough. (he is a professor at an Ivy League University, but doesn't have tenure, so he's being paid as if he were fresh out of grad school and single.)
We knew it would be hard if he took this job, but it was a 'step up' from where we were. Unfortunately though, we cannot survive much longer losing the amount of money that we hemorrhage every month. It's up to ME to make more money and the stress is killing me.
Gosh, I always thought professors had it made!
Submitted by Sueann on
That sounds like a hard life. It sounds from previous posts like you live in New York City, which is probably why it's so hard for you guys to make ends meet.
The real problem for us is that neither one of us has a job. I am doing some commission sales on eBay, and we have unemployment, but that's it. I've applied to everything I can think of to apply to, but never hear back. I very much feel we won't make rent next month. And he does NOTHING-either to make money or get the housework done. I work like a dog and he sits and watches TV. When I'm done working, he plays solitaire or Freecell! I don't know what that is, but I think it should be illegal as a criminal waste of time.
And he come up with the darndest excuses-It's too dark in there, I'm too tired, it's too late (my personal favorite), etc. I am struggling with a real physical problem and he acts like "poor me" all the time.
Mounting panic
Submitted by Sueann on
My life has come completely off the rails and I am grasping at straws.
Neither my husband nor I are working. He got fired for things related to his ADD. I would have hoped after 3 years and countless meds, he could have controlled it a little better but apparently not. I got fired for being old and making more money than new people at my job (not something I can help). He is doing very little to look for a job. I have a part-time commission sales job, but have had no work from them for weeks.
I have some severe physical problems which make housework difficult and physical jobs such as retail sales (on your feet all day) impossible. My husband is a perfect physical specimen.
I can not get him to help me with anything to do with the house. Example, we were working on putting some books away today and I had to go to the bathroom, so he decided that meant he could quit too. He went off to the computer and goofed off for an hour. Does anyone have any ideas how I can get him to either look for a job or assist with running our home? I am getting tired of watching him watch TV or play cards on the computer. If I get upset, he checks out. If I go to do another task like answering the phone, he checks out. I am just so tired and so very scared. I need the landlord to come fix something in the house and I can't get that to happen until this place is cleaned up, and he doesn't feel he should have to do it. He is sleeping over 10 hours a day. At least I have some kind of job.
Any ideas would be appreciated. We are probably going to have to move since we can't pay our rent, and I can't do all the labor associated with moving. I feel bad asking for help (again!). Has anyone found the magic bullet to get an ADDer to do dishes or wash the floor?
You're going to have to take
Submitted by SherriW13 on
You're going to have to take some control in this situation...you cannot let life just keep happening to you. At this point, I would be proactive and just start making plans to move in with your family. I would not wait until it was crisis time and you get evicted or worse. You cannot depend on him to get a job and help support you. You cannot depend on him to even clean up around the house.
The only thing that came to mind was that my husband is much more willing to do something if I 'help' him...and it is still rare. If you need to take a break to use the bathroom, set a timer for 10 minutes and then tell him to meet you back there when the timer goes off. If he won't, he won't...you'll either have to do it alone or it won't get done. He just does not seem to be at a point where he's motivated to do much but breathe.
You are running out of time...and you are still trying to get blood from the same old turnip. Do what is best for YOU and let him figure something out for himself.
I'm not the only one this affects
Submitted by Sueann on
If you need blood and all you have is a turnip, you're going to try to get blood out of it.
I am worried about the effect this would have on my husband and our dog. How does a homeless person go on job interviews and get hired? It seems like I'd be condemning him to the rest of his life being a failure. He won't work, can't get disability, doesn't own a car, and has no one to take him in, under the new domestic arrangements of other family members. How could he get phone calls, print a resume, etc.?
I also do worry about our dog. My daughter will take in me and my cats, but not the dog. It's not the dog's fault, and when we adopted him we made ourselves responsible for his well-being. I can't see putting the dog on the street, or putting him to sleep for something that isn't his fault.
By a lot of financial hocus-pocus, I've kept the lights on and the rent paid. I just don't see how I can do it much longer. And it hurts so much that he doesn't see himself as a partner with me in making a home for us. It feels so much like when my daughter was a teenager. I don't want to be his mother. How does a 50-year old man think his life will be fine while he plays computer games and someone else provides for him?
crunch time
Submitted by ellamenno on
Sueann:
It's crunch time, I'm afraid....
Put this thread in front of your husband and read it out loud.
After reading the comments
Submitted by Pjloops on
Possible change of situation-need advice
Submitted by Sueann on
I got a "nibble" about a job and I can't decide what to do. I know, I'm being picky and I should be grateful for anything at all but it scares me.
The job is call center work, which is not in the field I spent 4 years in school for, but have done before and been good at. I would hate it, however. The pay is quite good for such work, and it has benefits. It is only temporary, through December. It is about 60 miles away. It is perhaps 25-30 miles from my daughter's house. I could stay with her during the week, or drive the long distance. Since it's temporary, I could not replace my 1992 car or get my own place near there. I am not sure my pathetic vehicle could hold up to that kind of driving, even back and forth to my daughter's house, and it's the only one our family has. It would mean my husband would be home all day with no vehicle.
My big fear would be that he would sit home all day, every day and play Freecell, whatever that is. (I know it's some kind of computer card game.) If I was driving for 2 hours a day plus full-time work, I wouldn't want to have to do the laundry, dish washing, etc. after such a difficult day.
Can he step up to the plate and act like a grown up? Will he? Or would this be an excuse to just goof off all day? He says he can't do housework by himself because he gets distracted or bored. Even our marriage counselor said I should do anything I want him to do with him. My previous experiences with me working while he wasn't have been very negative.
I can't go to the interview and turn the job down, because I'd lose my unemployment. If I don't want it, I'd have to turn down the interview. So I have this weekend to decide. He is out of his ADD meds until he can see a prescriber at the university psychology clinic, and that doesn't seem to be happening. Also, he could not get there if I took this job, because of the car situation.
I know it sounds silly and co-dependent to not take a job because it wouldn't be good for him. I know I should take care of myself and let him figure these things out for myself. But I know this would not work for him. He hates being alone, and he'd have no car. Working all day, driving an hour on the interstate and coming home to an even bigger mess than I have now is not my idea of a good life.
Does anyone have any ideas how to overcome these pitfalls, or should I try to get this job and just see if he can solve these problems for himself?
I believe in the statement
Submitted by Pjloops on
Firstly I think you should try to get the job
Submitted by Aspen on
Good money between now and December can do wonders for your self esteem and get your financial life back on some kind of track.
Now correct me if I am wrong, but unless you get your situation worked out financially, you will be separating right? You to live with your daughter and him to live somewhere hopefully with your dog, right? Btw, rather than put the dog to sleep I hope that you could find him a good somewhere else.
Since your husband is currently at a point where he is willfully (to the extent that he can willfully do anything while under treated for his ADD) is not doing anything to support his family either financially or emotionally, you need to work on a plan to get yourself out of this situation in my opinion. I might view this job as the beginning of a trial separation. Live with your daughter through the week so he can start to learn what life is going to be like without you & maybe that will influence his decisions.
Since you've been keeping the lights on and the rent paid, he'll have somewhere to live for the duration while he does whatever he chooses to do with his life while you are doing this job (assuming you decide to keep doing this so he and the dog have somewhere to stay) Otherwise you can choose to save money toward a new car or whatever and just move on in with your daughter and make it permanent from the start....your choice. If you want to keep working things out with him or not, this job could give you 3+ months to look for a job in your field while making money at something you are good at. I don't blame you for not liking it, but I can't imagine that you would not like it more than you don't like your current situation.
I would try to have a very non emotional convo with him about this job. Like "Here are the options as I see them 1, 2, 3". Ask if he sees any other options. If he doesn't, you can include him in the decision by asking what he thinks will work best, or just tell him what you've decided in your new plan to take care of yourself. Either way I would definitely live at your daughters at least 5 days a week to save money and time and energy till December. Plus I just honestly think you need the break to see if you want to keep fighting for your marriage, and it will give him a look at what life will be like alone. It doesn't sound like he's ever really seen that in his whole life.
In the meantime you will look for other work and expect that he will too. He will clean up after himself at home and you'll do X together on weekends. Btw, I know hubbies can be messy, but other than kitchen, bed making, and straightening in the evenings, I only clean the house once a week. Hubby and I can do it together in about 1-2 hours depending on what needs to be done. Granted you have mobility issues, but give him the stuff too hard for you to do and make it a game to see who can get their chores done first or whatever works. There shouldn't be a ton of cleaning, but if you come home on weekend #1 and the house is a sty, then you have another decision to make as to whether you want to keep trying to make it work.
By the end of the year after you working hard at a job you don't like to make money, I think you will be resolved to do whatever needs to be done based on what he is choosing to do at this time. Granted he needs to have his meds to have any hope that this will work, but there may be ways around the car. I live in a very rural town, and we have a city provided appt only bus that takes ppl to and picks them up from doctor, appointments, etc. It costs $1-2 each way and you call a day ahead to set the pick up and drop off time. If you have something like that or if he even has a friend or something to take him to interviews, I doubt that is going to come up a ton. If he gets a job, then you can worry about a car. Perhaps he'll get a job with a work car provided or along a bus route, or who knows what might work out.
I think you should be positive with him......none of the "I know you will never do X Y or Z". Just say we are in X situation, and we each need to do Y to be able to stay together. We need jobs, we need a certain amount of house cleaning done, we need..........fill in what needs to be done. Get him his meds and see if he steps up. If he doesn't, do you honestly need him to continue dragging you down?
Thanks, Aspen
Submitted by Sueann on
Your reply was thoughtful and thorough. You are quite right that my husband has never been alone. He went from his mother's house to living with me. So he's never made a home for himself. (We actually rented a new house together. He didn't move in with me.) He hates being alone.
I actually had a nightmare last night about working in a call center. It was about a supervisor I had who turned out to be a pathological liar. I think that experience is worrying me as much as what my husband will do without me.
He didn't take his anti-depressant today, I don't think. Right now he's in bed at 5 in the afternoon. I am not sure he can function on his own. I know I can't be mad at him for depression and ADD any more than he can be mad at me for having screws in my knees. But at least I worked hard to get treatment for my problems. I didn't just sit and sulk.
I have an interview on Wednesday
Submitted by Sueann on
I responded to the job over the weekend, and they contacted me today. They are worried about the fact that my credit is not good, and that's mostly down to him not working for the first 3 years of our marriage and then working at a job that required huge amounts of driving without compensation. So I might not get it because of him even if I give it my all.
That is rediculous! I hope
Submitted by Pjloops on