Husband makes others want to beat him up!

My ADHD husband has been run over by a car as a pedestrian, hit about 3-4 times as a bicyclist, and someone just hit his car yesterday. While I haven't been present at these events, I have been n the car with him and I've seen the way he drives and makes people angry. (ie: get off my butt, I can go slower if you want, or no, you will not pass me) He tells me stories almost every day about "some jerk" who cut him off when he was on his bike, someone who turned right in front of him in the bike lane without looking or acted like they didn't see him and almost hit him, and times when he yells at people for doing these things and they almost always yell obscenities at him or a couple of times have gotten out of their cars to beat him up. While I agree 100% that there are people who mistakenly think bicycles should not be on the road, and know that he's a pretty good rule follower, better than most, in fact, I also know that he tends to get righteous and when he sees someone almost doing something wrong, or perceives that someone is about to, wants to or just doesn't like him, he will push them to getting angry or push them over the edge.  There is a part of me that can feel sympathy for him in these situations, but another part of me always wonders what he did and what his responsibility is in the situation. When he tells me the story, he almost always paints himself as so far in the right.

Last night, we were sitting on the couch and I reached behind me to get a small pillow that had fallen onto my back and when I pulled it out, accidently brushed by his face and he angrily yelled, "OW!!!" I was surprised by his overreaction and said playfully, "Aw, that didn't hurt!" Then he took my glasses and banged them up and down on my face to demonstrate what his experience had been, and I was ready to punch him, it made me so mad! It hurt, and although I concede that what I felt when I pulled the pillow past him and it touched him may not have been enough to inform me of his experience, I am SURE the pillow did not do that to his face-at most, it could have bounced his glasses a little, but certainly not enough to make him yell that loud. I felt so angry the rest of the night, I could barely sleep. Angry at his infantile overreaction and angry that he had touched me in such a mean way, when all he had to do was say, "Watch out" or something mild. This is not the first time he has reacted physically. He has thrown a tree branch at me while we argued, he has pushed me a few times, and I am wondering if this is how it will be or if it will get worse. We have been married 15 years. I know these two paragraphs are about different things, but my intuition tells me they are related in some way. I get the feeling that he somehow enjoys being able to get mad, and will create situations to allow him to. Thoughts?

 

Not.  Okay.  Ever.  ADHD

Not.  Okay.  Ever.  ADHD aside, I can't think of a situation in which it's ever ok for him to be physical with you.  That's concerning.  :(  Hope I'm not coming across as invading your personal space by saying this.

his reaction not okay

I have read somewhere that ADD/ADHD people can be hyper sensitive to touch.  Don't know if that's true for him, but even if it is, his reaction was out of line, IMHO.  Sounds like he just took it very personally for some reason?

I appreciate both comments, I

I appreciate both comments, I never even thought of sensory issues, and it makes me feel better knowing that my reaction was right on, I just felt so violated, since his reaction was purposeful where my accident wasn't. I ended up talking with him about it till midnight and he finally admitted his overreaction, but had a hard time understanding my anger.

There Are Two Issues Here

The first being the road rage.

My husband didn't back off from that one even a little bit until an antidepressant was added to the mix (In his case Zoloft).

I still won't drive with him in big cities though. Although it's not as bad, the degree of danger is still too much for my taste.

Least in our sleepy little town I generally feel safe with him in the car, though not always. Gawd forbid should he be angry, hungry or tired because then he's like an adult toddler.

Second issue being the touch sensitivity. My husband totally denies this issue. I figure it's because he just doesn't get it n is going from frame of reference.

My true belief is this plays in directly to our rarity of sexual relations. (Again, he will deny this.)

Most nights my husband will put a pillow between us as we sleep.

(As I was married before, I know this is not normal.)

I could be in a deep sleep not even realizing I've touched his foot or something n he will scream, "Owwwww," at the top of his lungs.

It gets super annoying when you put it into perspective of having any intimacy n marital relations.

 

He sounds very much like my

He sounds very much like my H.  Especially on the road, i often hear about 'the other guy' he does the same stupid stuff, heaven forbid someone cuts him off, he has to do it back to them...its a matter of principle to him. Last year when we were driving and someone cut in front of him,  he pulled out and cut in front of the guy, so I asked why do you have to do that?...so he said ' AM i supposed to let him get away with cutting me off !!" he was indignant. I said Yes you are, is it worth having an accident with me and the kids in the car ?  So he says You always take the other persons side...UGH   so clueless. I'm NOT taking the other persons side but I don't want to get in an accident on the highway over it.

Everything is a matter of justice it seems.  He has never Hit me, but he has shoved me and our son on a couple occasions, and will sometimes thrown things, not At anyone, but its just pure rage and impulse.

I do not think there is any sensory thing going on with my H, its purely overreaction to anything in which he feels he was 'wronged' in some way.

Anti-depressants help the anger / temper tantrums, but my H only takes his meds about half the time...its extremely frustrating.

Interesting.....

Ok, ADHD woman here....

I have lots in common with my ADHD brethren, but there are significant differences with men in the Anger department, I think.  Sorry for the sweeping generalization - I know there are ADHD women out there probably with road rage too.  I hate driving, but know that I have to drive to live in this country.  I'm cautious to a fault ('You could have gone 6 times by now!!!' DH says when I'm waiting to make left turn....  )

My father definitely has the 'that guy cut me off, so I've got to cut him off now too' mentality even if it means risking the lives of everyone in the car and on the road...

He'll pick fights with people just for fun and believes, at the age of 75, that he can get into a fist fight with a 35 year old and win.  He continually provoked some guy in a club he belonged to til the guy challenged him to a fight.  He told my mom about it, and of course she raised an eyebrow and said something about how it might be a very stupid idea to fight this guy.  My dad said, "I guess I'm not 20 anymore"  my mom said, "20??  Honey, here's the news:  you're not 70 anymore!"

I don't have the hyper sensitive thing, and I think my threshold for pain is pretty high, but, like Bilf's DH - I too, sleep with a pillow between me and my DH.  For me, it's because if he's facing me, and breathing in my face, the intermittent puffs of air in my face make me nuts and I can't fall asleep.  also - he snores.  I also can't fall asleep if any part of me is touching him.  Not because I don't love him, or that I don't want intimacy (I LOVE hugs, snuggles etc. any affection) it's just that the heat makes me antsy somehow.  I tried to describe it to him years and years ago and said something like, "I dunno! it's just like you're .... RADIATING too much or something!!!"

 

I am also hypersensitive to

I am also hypersensitive to being touched, breathed on, hearing sounds that people make that turn me off to the point of having to leave a room. I have been trying to talk to my husband about the issue in my original post, but even when I say things gently, he interprets them as if my intention was to insult him. We have a long way to go. I said yesterday, "When you don't hear what I said and you make up something ridiculous that you pretend you could have heard and repeat it back to me to be funny, it really annoys me, and feels like you don't want to hear what I'm really saying and you're more interested in your joke. " His response was, "Oh, so you're telling me I'm a selfish a**hole." Am I being too sensitive? His response makes me feel both foolish and angry.

no- not hypersensitive

you're just frustrated with being misunderstood.

We have this problem too - although for me, I don't manipulate my husband's words to make jokes, I just genuinely don't HEAR him right a lot of the time AND vice versa.

What I'm learning recently is that he will IMPLY things and I don't pick up on them and then the whole conversation is misunderstood.  for example:

in a previous post of mine I was frustrated because he'd told me he didn't want me to bring a birthday cake for him to an event with new colleagues he didn't know.  A few days later, he changed his mind.  BUT DIDN'T TELL ME THAT.  He simply said he was going to the store and asked me, "What do you need from the store?  What kind of cake mix do you want?"  Now... I was supposed to extrapolate from this that he was sorry he'd snapped at me a couple days earlier and that he would actually like my daughter to make a cake and present it to him at the event.  I just got confused because I'd scrapped the cake idea and my daughter and I had planned a surprise pancake breakfast for him instead and I was thinking that I needed to get some syrup at the store.  So I asked him to get syrup.... anyway - you see the problem.....

It is always clear when something I do is a BAD idea, but when I have a GOOD idea, there is no acknowledgment from him, so, I don't know to continue it/employ it.  Example:  for dinner when we have tacos, my DD#2 likes soft tortillas AND crunchy ones.  We usually get a combo pack of half soft, half crunchy.  One day at the store I bought a whole big pack of soft tortillas, because in addition to tacos, I can use them for rolled up turkey sandwiches for the kids for picnics etc....  My husband saw the huge pack of tortillas I bought and made a face and said, 'WHY did you buy such a huge pack of tortillas?!?"  I explained why.... He did not respond in any way.  He just walked away.  But because his tone had been somewhat hostile, I didn't buy them again.  So.... Taco night rolled around again and he went to the store, he bought a box of crunchy tacos instead of the combo pack.  When my daughter asked why there were no soft ones, I explained that Daddy just got crunchy ones this time.  He asks, "Where's the big pack of soft ones?"  and I said, "We ate them last week.  They're gone.  I didn't buy more cuz I thought you didn't want me to."  He rolled his eyes and said, "But you were saying how it was cheaper to buy the big pack of soft ones and the big thing of crunchy ones than to get the combo pack."  and I said, "Yes.  I did say that.  It IS cheaper.  But, I had no idea that you 1) Acknowledged that or 2) Thought it was a good idea for me to buy them again.  So to avoid conflict, I just didn't get them again."  .....more eye rolling.......

*sigh*

This of course happens in all areas of our married life unfortunately, and is not limited to Mexican food.  I read a lot of complaints on this forum from Non-ADD spouses about how their spouses constantly need praise and how annoying that is.  I agree, it WOULD be annoying to have to say, "Way to go!!!  You carried your dinner plate ALL THE WAY to the dishwasher!  I'm so proud of you, sweetie!!!"  But, for me - sometimes I just need the reassurance that I'm going the right direction.  A simple, "Oh, ok..." would have sufficed in the taco situation. and "I changed my mind" would've worked for the cake fiasco. 

I guess that I need things spelled out for me, because it's so hard for me to believe I've done something right, or come up with a logical solution.

Pbartender's picture

Sensitivities...

I, too, am rather hypersensitive all around...  For example, I have a hard time sleeping if someone's touching me, if my wife (when she was sleeping in the same bed as me) was so much as breathing heavily, if I hadn't taken a shower recently and feel dirty (no, not that way! :P), if I haven't shaved and my whiskers are prickling, if the little power LED on my phone is lit up and pointed in my direction, if there was a clock ticking in the next room, if the pillowcase or the sheets or myself doesn't smell quite right, if I didn't brush my teeth and they have that sludgey feeling or a funny taste in my mouth...  Good Heavens, just about any little thing will grab my attention an keep me from going to sleep.

It never really gets painful for me (I actually have a pretty high tolerance for pain), but I am especially sensitive with regards to touch, taste and smell.  My vision and hearing are terribly good, but easily lead to distraction...  Compared to others, I have a really hard time filtering out those small but irritating noises that others can ignore naturally.  I have a tendency to instinctively hyperfocus on them.  It's kind of like my senses can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. It's surprisingly useful in my job...   I can find the tiniest physical imperfections in materials by gently running my fingers over them, and I can often pre-emptively detect and diagnose mechanical and electronic problems based solely on sounds and smells that others don't notice, but stand out to me like a sore thumb.

On emotional hypersensitivity...  I know that in my relationship with my wife, there has been a tendency for both of us to want be "right", and to get in the last word. When you're frustrated and exasperated (and everybody in an ADHD relationship is frustrated and exasperated) that leads to making unnecessary digs at the other person for no real reason other than to be a snark.  His response made you feel foolish and angry, ironmouse, because it was meant to make you feel foolish and angry, because he was likely feeling foolish and angry as well.  He was being kind of a jerk.  That doesn't mean he's always a jerk (although, based on your original post, he might be), but right then, for whatever reason, he was feeling like one...  I know that with my wife and I, after years and years, what started as occasional friendly jibes have turned into consistent thinly veiled insults.

This morning, we were chatting before she had to leave for work.  The conversation turned to finances...  We were discussing how school is starting in a few weeks, and the pay raise for promotion hasn't kicked in yet, so the budget was going to be a little tight for a few weeks.  I mentioned that I'd already paid the kids' school registration fees, simply as reassurance of one expense we didn't have to worry about.  Before I could get to that latter part, I was interrupted...  She assumed what seemed to me (and I admit I may be a bit biased here) an attitude of smug superiority, gave a dismissive huff, and said, "You've already told me that five times."  Now, it's only been a day and a half since I paid those fees.  I told her about it when I paid them, so she'd know it was done, and I mentioned it once more in passing, when my daughter asked about her class schedule -- the school website doesn't let you view the class schedules, unless the registration fees are paid -- "Should be able to see them now: I paid the registration fees yesterday."  She was making an insulting exaggeration out of habit.  And, of course, my initial response was likewise habitual defensiveness...  "No, I didn't!"  Which, in turn led to, "Yes, you did."  "No, I did not."  You see where this could lead...  Pretty childish, isn't it?

About that time, I came to my senses and realized what I was doing.  I quickly understood that to her, it doesn't really matter how many times I actually said it, why I said it, or if there was a good reason for me saying each time.  To her -- out of habit based on past experience -- it was either "he said it once", or "he said it more than once", and if I said it more than once then it must mean I didn't remember saying it before, and if I don't remember saying it before, it must mean I wasn't paying attention to the earlier conversation, and if I wasn't paying attention to the earlier conversation then what she said must not be important to me, and so on...  Plus, the very conversation about tight finances was probably making her feel a little stressed and frustrated to begin with.

Of course, I was simply trying give reassurance that even though things might be a tight for a few weeks, here was one thing she didn't have to worry about, and that I was doing everything I can to help.

At any rate, it's the sort of situation where it's hard to find a good response...  I'm trying to set a better example for my kids and I'm trying really hard to not get so upset over things that don't warrant it, so this time around I just stopped and waited for her to wind down.  She said, "Whatever" and left the room.  Five minutes later, she came back as if nothing had happened, and we chatted some more about other things until she left for work.

Whatever, indeed.

 

Pb.

HI

Just read this and realized how sadly, it sounds just like things that go on at my home far too often.  He doesn't respond much when I do speak, unless I ask, "did you hear me?", or "is that OK?", so many times I really don't have a clue if he actually HEARD me...as well as UNDERSTOOD what I actually said. (AND PLEASE DON'T RECOMMEND I ALWAYS CONFIRM WHETHER OR NOT HE HEARD ME BECAUSE THEN HE GETS AGITATED SO SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT)

I said just yesterday, when I asked him to do a very small thing around the house WITH explicit directions (which needless to say he failed to follow), that I wish we had a video camera going on here 24/7, so he would see that it is HIM that just doesn't communicate correctly, and STOP blaming me.  He swore my directions to a TWO STEP, YES TWO STEP favor, was only one.  I despise the fact (as does he) that I have to speak to him about important things like a 5 year old.  I speak slowly and clearly, use hand gestures, repeat myself 2-3 times, then have him repeat it to me and it still doesn't always work.  Suggest I write things down?  Then he doesn't look at the list OR loses the list OR just tells me he "chose NOT" to do what I asked.  It's so frustrating.

I swear the cake thing could have happened here, with one exception, my husband is an attention seeker and would never have scoffed at the  cake in the first place.   I can see the tortilla thing going on here as well, because instead of just buying WHAT WE ALWAYS BUY, or looking to be sure there were tortillas still at home, he would have assumed and been in the same boat.

I share your frustration.  I really don't have any helpful tips, I just want you to know you are not alone, and maybe someone reading this will have some useful tips on how to keep these things from happening in the future.

Clarifying that they heard

If I  say " did you hear me?" or " please tell me in your words what I said " . His nasty reply " I am right here, of course u heard you, that is so ding insulting, I am not stupid like you". My response" I don't know what you heard and clarifying it before there is any misunderstanding is helpful. As it stands now, you could have received my message entirely the opposite of what I thought". His response " if I have to micromanage every conversation, it's not worth it & I can't believe you just won't accept " I heard you". I never say hurtful things to him but he pulls out the full artery at me. Every secret , insecurity, self doubt gets thrown at me. He says my tears, nagging equals his vile words, swearing, fist pumping , tongue biting refusing to feed me. I don't want equality, I want peace, live and empathy that he knew about when he met me. 

More than ADHD

I wish you would reach out for help.  ADHD is troublesome enough.  His anger/rage seems to have gotten the best of him.

Refusing to feed you is unacceptable and inhumane and an issue that must be addressed.

Please get help.

Clarifying that they heard

If I  say " did you hear me?" or " please tell me in your words what I said " . His nasty reply " I am right here, of course u heard you, that is so ding insulting, I am not stupid like you". My response" I don't know what you heard and clarifying it before there is any misunderstanding is helpful. As it stands now, you could have received my message entirely the opposite of what I thought". His response " if I have to micromanage every conversation, it's not worth it & I can't believe you just won't accept " I heard you". I never say hurtful things to him but he pulls out the full artery at me. Every secret , insecurity, self doubt gets thrown at me. He says my tears, nagging equals his vile words, swearing, fist pumping , tongue biting refusing to feed me. I don't want equality, I want peace, live and empathy that he knew about when he met me. 

Respect

"I am not stupid like you"

Ouch!  I've read that couples that split differ with those who stay together not in how often they fight or what they fight about but in how they fight.  The ones that survive disagreements have an underlaying level of respect for one another.  They disagree with a behavior but still respect the person.   Your husband may or may not know how hurtful he is.  If he is wanting to be hurtful to the person he supposedly loves then the question is why?  What does he hope to gain by his behavior?  Does he think this is more or less likely to enhance your respect for him?  There is no excuse for this kind of comment.  Counseling to learn how to communicate needs to be in his (and your) very near future if your marriage is to have any future.  Life is way too short to be belittled and feel miserable all the time.  I feel for you and wish you the best of luck.

 

Respect & counselling

He argued with the counsellor, doctor and social workers that they were taking my side. When I say be nice or respectful , I get" you get what you give". I have asked him how he would feel if he were as ill as I. He said he would shoot himself. I can't afford the course fee for Melissa 7 week course. Not sure he would do them anyway. The waiting list for Counselling is months long. My daughter begs me not to leave him because for all his faults, we love him. For 8 yrs he refused to marry me. He made me a deal, if I lived thru surgery then he would met me at the altar. Now I fear he regrets it. I am so confused . Fam doc said" you look like hell, he's putting you in the grave" . His response " what did you tell her about me for her to say that?" this mans ego is hard to compete with.

Are you sure we aren't living the same life?

That's the hardest part for me. Never understanding why or how someone can be so horribly cruel, then deny it or say I am exaggerating or win award for drama queen. I don't want a big commotion, I just want to know when I say or do something, he acknowledges it in a way that makes it clear to me what he means. When I ask for clarification, I get screamed at. I am so sad

YES...

Same here.  Your husband, like mine is most likely just so frustrated from all the years of not communicating properly, not listening, making mistakes because he didn't listen, that the only way they know how to react now is with such anger.  That is ONE thing that right now at least my husband is working on.  He saw me as THE ENEMY.  Realizes now that the ADHD is the enemy and I am and always have been on his side.

 

Pbartender's picture

Exactly...

You've got that right.  It's one of the toughest things for me to work through right now...  Not just the anger, but the accumulated self-doubt, guilt, sadness, lack of confidence.

And that happens to the spouses on both sides of the AHDH fence. It might happen for different reasons, but it's just as hard for either spouse -- ADHD or non-ADHD -- to realize what's going on and break through that wall to start the changes.

 

Pb.

Pbartender's picture

Let me say two things on

Let me say two things on behalf of the ADHDers who aren't normally assholes...

  1. I can understand the way you feel about this.  Before I was diagnosed, what you describe here is often what I felt like (I still do, sometimes, though I'm better at rolling with it, now).  Confusion, because I could never quite understand why wife was always getting upset with me.  Frustration, because admitting that I didn't understand and asking her to help always made things worse.  Anger and sadness, because I could never get it right.  It felt like a no-win situation...  If I didn't ask for clarification, I'd get something wrong and get in trouble.  If I did ask for clarification, I'd still get in trouble, because I should be able to understand without her explaining it to me.
  2. He's an asshole.  I read the other post that you started, and there is no reason for you to be treated the way he treats you with all that you already have to deal with and have gone through.  In that thread, you said, "I don't hate ADHD, I hate that he is making a choice to continue to hurt me."  And that's exactly right.  What he's doing has very little to do with ADHD, I think.  He's making a choices to hurt you and deciding to treat you with disrespect, and when confronted with it makes no true effort to change his behavior.  That is the fundamental difference between someone who is reacting badly because they have ADHD and someone who is just a jerk.  Those of us who truly want to change for the better, still make mistakes and sometimes make those same bad decisions when we turn our overflowing anger and sadness and frustration outward...  But while that might be a reason, it's no excuse.  When we make one of those mistakes and realize it, we make our apologies, we clean up the mess as best we can, and we do our utmost to not make the same mistake again.

I hate to say it, but unless something HUGE! happens in his life to make him do a mental about-face, I doubt you'll ever find a way to be happy with this man.

 

Pb.

I do agree Pb

She is in an unfortunate situation.

I can only see that situation as getting worse as with progression of her illness, she will require more of him, and it already sounds as though he is past his limits.

Begging that one of both of them seek assistance.  Someone to help with her daily care and him to find someone to speak to to get this anger and frustration out, without taking it out on her.  I think this situation is beyond simply an ADHD spouse and the issues the ADHD can cause.

First time today I laughed

It's sad but Pb when you said " he's an asshole". My mother would agree with you. I am playing Russian roulette here because, he has access to the book, this site but he won't read it. This is sad. I  47 years old. I evicted my bladder a year ago to get some relief. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. I am thankful for the last few months of being out of bed, it was nice while it lasted. My daughter didn't ask for this. She is sitting there mad at me for being sick, sad and now scared that once I am gone her stepfather won't be here for her either.

Have to say it again

These issues are far more serious than simply the ADHD.  I beg you to please try to get help in one of the ways I have recommended.  

As far as the issue with your daughter, if he didn't adopt her, is there perhaps someone else that might be able to care for her when you are no longer able to, such as your Mom?

Pbartender's picture

"It's funny, cause it's true?"

Glad I could be of service...  I guess?  ;)

Sometimes, you have to take a good hard look and see things for what they really are.  In all seriousness, this man is abusing you, plain and simple, and he's lucky he hasn't been sent to jail already on any number of charges.

 

Pb.

Thank you again

When I see it all laid out in black in white , it's pretty bleak looking. I am a social worker and it goes against ever " boundary" I have to put up with this. My parents would take her. That isn't ok because I bought us this house, car, food etc and all I want him to do is gracefully take care of me and her. His reply" I clean your bloody piss bottle " aka urine night collection bottle that I can't open because of my RA). I thought the fact that i am so sick and obviously need him would help with his lack of purpose ( his words). Instead of empathy, he has hatred and contempt for me and actually contests me on what I can or can't do. If I ask for help, that it itself needs to be recognized as difficult for anyone never mind someone who is losing their mobility and independence. What is he winning? I am going to die soon or very painfully slow (at times I feel I should apologize for still being here). I can't take any hormones at all due lucifer aka loopy lupus.

well.......

I  understand you bought the house etc etc etc, but what is in the total best interest of your daughter and her emotional as well as physical well being?  THAT is the question I would have to ask myself when planning for her future without you.

You are right

She deserves better and everything is in place for her to be loved , safe, clothed, feed and educated. In a perfect world it would be nice for the two of them to have each other. Her bio dad isn't a bad guy, new wife doesn't want teenager in their life. I had hoped that getting the house and everything put together would show him how much I care and want to be able to provide for both of them when I am gone.

Pbartender's picture

Your daughter...

Absolutely...  If he treats you like this now.  How will you expect him to treat your daughter, who also needs day-to-day medical attention, once you aren't there?

 

Pb.

Yup. It's a gender thing.

I'm going to have to agree with you, Ellamenno, that the open expression of road rage might be a gender issue.  My non-ADHD DH is the one with road rage issues, as are my own father and father-in-law, neither of whom have ADHD.  I get aggravated at times, but I don't yell, ride someone's bumper, or flip people off.  Yesterday, I was pretty annoyed at the driver in front of me, but she was literally the worst driver I have ever been stuck behind; was going 10-15 miles an hour BELOW the speed limit, and slowed down going toward a green light; I think I get a pass here.  But I let it go pretty quickly and merely muttered about how stupid she was to myself. 

I am sensitive about noise levels.  I always close the door of my classroom during my prep period because I can't work with the noise of kids passing in the halls.  None of the teachers with whom I have shared a room found that necessary, but have been understanding that I can't filter out the noise.  I get annoyed more easily than other people at loud noises when I'm trying to concentrate.   The custodians at my school use a vacuum that's like nails on a chalkboard to me.  I literally rush out of there to get away from it.  At the dentist office, there is a metal apparatus with a straw that blows air in my mouth.  I cannot tolerate that sound.  It also really bothers me and makes me tense.   It must be a certain frequency, because the sounds are pretty similar, and I LOVE fireworks, so it's not just that I hate loud noises.  but those other sounds are  like auditory torture.   I also bicker with my husband often about the volume of his voice.  He both mutters and is too loud frequently.  Then he tells me I mutter, but I can't seem to replicate the proper volume often enough.  I sound loud to myself. 

Yeah, my DH makes annoying breathing sounds.  Many times the following morning have I joked about wanting to smother him.  I also hate being breathed on, and can't sleep with my husband too close; I swear he's the same temperature as a dog.  I also like to snuggle, but when I sleep, give me space.  I'm ADHD and I need to move!  This last part has been much improved since I started a full dose of my meds before bed to help me sleep (If this sounds crazy to anyone reading this, please see my post on ADHD and Sleep Issues).  Stress not withstanding, I do sleep infinitely better now!

Road rage

It's always the other guy. We were coming home from the hospital after major surgery for me. He said someone cut him off, he followed the driver and pulled him thru the windshield. Ended up having to pay for windshield but because he didn't get charged " it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be". I am really sick and need him to give me needles. Our dog usually wakes him up at 5;30. If I wake him up, I get yelled at. Today I waited until 6:30, the dog was crossing her legs. I said " dh..." he replied " I was trying to sleep in for once, I hear the damn dog". I said " I feel sick, I need a needle". When my urostomy bag breaks at night , he screams that it's either my error or bag error and he freaks out. Not sure why he would think I would ever go thru a leak intentionally. It's almost like he is the one with the damn bag. I at the point of begging him to feed me and stop being so mean. His response " you don't know what mean is". 

oh hippiehouse

I'm so sorry that anyone has to go through these "rage phases" (myself included), but right after surgery, especially when you are feeling so vulnerable and so helpless.....H*U*G*S

We have MANY issues that are like that with the road rage.  His Mother will only ride in the car with him driving, if she is in the back seat, and semi laying down so she can't see what he is doing.  It seems everyone else on the road, is out to get him.  Every minute of every hour of every day.  They are too slow, too fast, too this too that, all wrong...all of them.  When he gets on his tirade,, I just gently remind him that he is correct, "they are all out to get him".  Helps a little.  He seems to realize what a jerk he is being...at least until the next idiot dares to get in his way.

As far as the surgery goes, I have had major surgery as well.  AS SOON AS I got any sympathy from his Mother ( rare but it did happen) then he will begin to go off about his shoulder or his back or his knee or a DAMNED PAPER CUT.  It HAS to be about him.  Which is not only annoying, but positively hurtful as well.

The only thing I can recommend to you, is that if possible, you learn how to give yourself the injections.  One less thing he will have to bitch about and one less feeling of dependency towards him.

Know I care, and wish I could help. :)

Thank you for caring, it helps

I can't give injections to myself because they have to go in my butt. Thru arthritis I can't load the needles, and most times I am already barfing when I get the shot. My daughter has had to give them to me during emergencies. I also have to give myself preloaded rat poison shots in my tummy for blood clots and lupus. I don't hate ADHD, I hate the way he uses it to mask the pain of having a disabled wife and child. Except his way of masking is abusive and he says that I drive him to it. When I try to correct anything via words, he fixates on one word and goes off on a tangent. That one word is usually not the word I wanted to use but I don't get a chance to Correct it because he has spun out in some vicious backlash. I get he feels like a failure and frustrated and sad that I will die before him. I understand it hard to watch, it's a heck of a lot harder to live it. It's harder on my daughter who has heart disease and an absent birth father. Screaming at me, withdrawing, defensiveness and the whole woes me is making The precious time I have left hell and I can't do this alone and don't have time, money or resources to have someone else help me. 

I'm so terribly sorry

That was why I asked if you could do them yourself.  I am a medical professional and do know that injections that are given in the backside are Intramuscular and can USUALLY be given in the thigh as well, that was why I asked.

Your husband has a triple whammy then.  Having the ADHD in itself is more than enough to deal with.  Having the love of your life as well as a child in your life with life threatening illnesses, can make the best of people go out of their minds.

Is he seeking management of the ADHD with counseling and/or medication?  Also is it feasable that he could go to some sort of Anger Management class or somewhere where he could let out his frustrations in a healthy fashion, as not to take them out on you?

I always thought my husband to be a sweet and loving man. In 25 years of marriage,  I have seen other sides of him  though and especially in the last 15 years or so.  I used to think if I were seriously ill that he would take good care of me and we would be closer than ever because of the misfortune that was bestowed on us.  Now, I wonder....I think we would have many of the same frustrations as you have, sadly, and I think alone at home would be the most difficult.  When out an about, he would look like the good guy caring for his "poor wife" and he might actually get off in some way on the attention it would bring.

If you have insurance, Medicare/Medicaid, I am sure there are visiting nurse services that will work with your insurance.  Please look into one.  It may make him have to do less and you will feel less dependent.

Also, I did read about the sexual issues.  I am certain the bladder trouble is the biggest part of the whole thing.  I also know from 20 something years in the field of OB/GYN that perimenopause and menopause really wreak havok on libido as well as response.  Have you considered an Estrogen cream (only if acceptable by your healthcare providers, as you do have numerous health concerns) it could really make things alot better for you in that department.

Wishing you a peaceful Sunday afternoon :)

 

Pbartender's picture

I'll second that...

"Having the ADHD in itself is more than enough to deal with.  Having the love of your life as well as a child in your life with life threatening illnesses, can make the best of people go out of their minds."

I'll second that...  Looking back, I'm dead certain that it was the combination early in our marriage of the memory and attention problems of undiagnosed-but-partially-managed ADHD, the various stresses of rotating shift work, and the various stresses of raising an autistic son that really brought out the "secondary" symptoms of my ADHD, and started our marriage on its slow, steady downhill slide.

 

Pb.

You are all kind. I need live

You are all kind. I need live in caregiver as my vomitting spells rear their ugly head without warning 24/7. My benefits don't cover it. I am going on new biochemical ( chemo)infusion med next week and may have to have me mediport implanted If my pesky veins don't behave. Funny thing is, I still wake up happy. I am the Pollyanna bleeding heart tree-hugging organ evicting crazy cannibis eating Canadian who loves a man who has ADHD but has allowed it to be the excuse for his horrific behavior. I can't leave, it's my house.( he hasn't worked in 20 yrs, been with me for 9 & says we are the reason he can't get a job. Note he walks the dog 4 hours a day)

Mediport

My Mom initially refused to have the port put in,but then the veins gave in and she was weaker, sicker and more miserable and had to do it then.  May I suggest you have it done before you even get started?  You will be glad you  did.

Amazing you can still find joy in each day. What a blessing.  Has he always treated you so poorly, or is it more recently with the increased health concerns?  It sounds as though he has been walking ALL OVER YOU, as well as walking the dog, and you will need to establish some new rules on what is acceptable behavior, and what is not.  Sounds as though you are 100% dependent on him and don't have any alternative but to stay and suffer the abuse.  If that is the case, try to sit down and talk to him and possibly come up with a plan that will benefit both of you throughout this ordeal.

Good point about mediport

I was thinking that too. They got so bad I had to have transfusion via a baby butterfly ( lol, it took a loooongggg time). He won't talk to me. He says I should be thankful that he puts up with me and all the (sh--) that I put him through. He has always been difficult but the more independent I became after I turfed out my useless organs ( 4) , the more mean he became. Now that I am back in bed, he won't spend one civil minute with me in weeks :(

Issues already

As you have ALREADY had issues with veins, I would not hesitate for one minute to have the port put in.  It will be a lifesaver.

immature overreactions

My fiance's ex husband had that same ridiculous overreactions to the most stupid things.  He likes to goad people into arguments and to the point to where they wanted to kick his butt or he ended up getting his butt kicked.  He has a self righteous attitude where everyone has wronged him and he was justified in his actions.  However, he is also a sociopath along with being ADHD.  He has been arrested several times for doing stupid things.  He also abused a lot of drugs and alcohol(my guess is to cope socially since he can't seem to cope).  He was very abusive and used to physically assault my fiance.  The best way I can describe him is an immature 38 year old child that when he doesn't get his way, he will react very extreme and righteous.  For example, he owes several thousands of dollars in child support and is looking at jail time if he doesn't get it caught up.  Instead of accepting the responsibility of taking care of his children's needs, he still refuses to pay because my fiance won't get back together with him.  But at the same time, when she asked if he had made any payments, he called her a troll, he made the comment that he wished he never married "her kind".  He's even gone to the extreme as to deny paternity of all four of his kids and is demanding paternity tests to be done.  He basically told them he never wanted to see any of them again.  His extreme reactions are incredibly hurtful and mentally abusive to all he directs his venom toward.  I sit and wonder "wow, I think I now know what true evil is".  Now he wants to take my fiance to court to try to prove he is not the father of the four kids under some new state mandate that was passed here.  Despite the fact that he has had paternity tests and he already knew the two oldest were not his and he proclaimed several years ago that he didn't care, he considered them his kids.  All this......because he doesn't want to pay his child support.