Submitted by flwr44 on 03/22/2008.
My husband of six years was diagnosed a few weeks ago with ADHD. This diagnosis puts a lot of things in a new light, but it doesn't make it any easier. I was diagnosed in January with advanced breast cancer. We have also been seperated since August. This was not a seperation to get away from my husband but to change the living environment because, though I had been deeply depressed for years and then in denial when I suspected that I might have breast cancer. The living conditions were not favorable (too many pets) and I had to leave. My husband didn't know why, he just knew that I left.
My leaving the home and the threat of losing his job has made him seek help and get diagnosed. I am happy that he is getting help even though it will be another 3 weeks before he is put on meds. We lived basically as roomates for at least four years of the marriage. Finally two years ago I moved to the sofa. I felt so rejected and unloved and became deeply depressed. I became unable to keep up with the caos of having 7 dogs in the house. I bought pens for them, but my husband couldn't bare for them to be outside. The animals were quite destructive and then when I was trying to come to terms with having cancer, I took the opportunity to move in with my oldest daughter.
We have both made a commitment, verbally, to work on our marriage. I did the mothering bit before I knew he had ADHD and now I think I am trying to fix him. He can only manage to see me for maybe 2 to 4 hours per week. He has friends that he has met on the internet (female) that he spends a lot of time talking to. I can't help but feel slighted when I am fighting for my life and my husband seems to ignore me. I need his support emotionally. I understand that it is hard for him, but while I can read that he may have difficulty in being emotionally available, I can't stop my heart from being hurt. I have tried talking to him and trying to get him to understand my feelings by equating them with something similar he may have experienced or what if's. I don't know if this is helping. He is putting forth some effort, but it seems minimal compared to the urgency I feel to get things on a better path. He has agreed to marriage counseling and I am leaving it up to him to initiate that help, since he already has a therapist for his ADHD. I had taken a break from the mothering role when I left, but find myself wanting to slip back in that, if it is the only way to have remotely any closeness to my husband. Someone please tell me what I am doing wrong or right, and give me advice as to what to do?
have you given up?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on
First, Take Care of Yourself
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You are carrying a heavy burden and, like the person who also commented here, my heart goes out to you.
You don't give too much account of your cancer, other than to say that it is advanced. My limited understanding of the connections between your mind and your body lead me to believe that you will be best served by not dealing with your marital issues right at this point. Here's why:
The first thing that you will need to do, NO MATTER WHAT, is forgive the past that the two of you have shared, and accept that he is who he is (and you are who you are). You can do that now, leave the marriage alone for a while and focus on improving your health, THEN go back and work on things with him. Or, you can choose to take on the monumental task of both dealing with your health and your marriage. (to me, this would be too much, but this is your decision, not mine).
If he has agreed, at least verbally, to work on the marriage, you might ask him if he would be willing to put things on hold for a year or so (whatever time table makes sense) until you are better, then work together on your issues. Work out with him what you are expecting during this hiatus and what the boundaries are - for example, if you expect him to visit you a certain amount and whether or not physical relationships with other people are okay or not. You may find out that your husband will be more willing to support you if he doesn't feel that a large part of the burden falls on him (or he may just wander off if allowed to...it's hard to tell, but then you have to ask yourself if you wish to "bind" someone to you who doesn't wish to be there of his own accord...) It is my experience with my own husband that as soon as I really accepted him for who he is (that is, stopped criticizing him for not being someone else) then he found it much more pleasurable to be with me...and instead of avoiding me he started to want to spend time with me more.
There is a good book available that might help you set up some boundaries if you decide to move in the direction of taking a break from each other, called "Should I Stay or Go?" by Lee Raffel. In it, she talks about the concept of the "Controlled Separation" and makes a good case for talking about what you and your spouse want and need, and how to develop a plan that supports you both while you work through the question of whether or not to stay together.
What you need right now as you deal with your cancer, above all else, is LOVE and support. You don't have to get that from your husband. In fact, you may not be able to get it from your husband whether you want to or not and trying to force him to focus on you will make you angry, frustrated, hurt and CRAZY! Think about getting the support you need from friends, your daughter or other children, siblings, neighbors...there are many people out there who can warm up your life. And definitely pay attention to that depression and make sure you are getting full treatment for it.
As a completely different tactic, you might (also) ask one of his relatives, if you are close to them, to talk with him about the importance of emotional support in cancer recovery.
No matter which direction you decide to take, stay away from returning to mothering your spouse. This will most certainly lead to the dissolution of your relationship.
Melissa Orlov