My husband of six years was diagnosed a few weeks ago with ADHD. This diagnosis puts a lot of things in a new light, but it doesn't make it any easier. I was diagnosed in January with advanced breast cancer. We have also been seperated since August. This was not a seperation to get away from my husband but to change the living environment because, though I had been deeply depressed for years and then in denial when I suspected that I might have breast cancer. The living conditions were not favorable (too many pets) and I had to leave. My husband didn't know why, he just knew that I left.
My leaving the home and the threat of losing his job has made him seek help and get diagnosed. I am happy that he is getting help even though it will be another 3 weeks before he is put on meds. We lived basically as roomates for at least four years of the marriage. Finally two years ago I moved to the sofa. I felt so rejected and unloved and became deeply depressed. I became unable to keep up with the caos of having 7 dogs in the house. I bought pens for them, but my husband couldn't bare for them to be outside. The animals were quite destructive and then when I was trying to come to terms with having cancer, I took the opportunity to move in with my oldest daughter.
We have both made a commitment, verbally, to work on our marriage. I did the mothering bit before I knew he had ADHD and now I think I am trying to fix him. He can only manage to see me for maybe 2 to 4 hours per week. He has friends that he has met on the internet (female) that he spends a lot of time talking to. I can't help but feel slighted when I am fighting for my life and my husband seems to ignore me. I need his support emotionally. I understand that it is hard for him, but while I can read that he may have difficulty in being emotionally available, I can't stop my heart from being hurt. I have tried talking to him and trying to get him to understand my feelings by equating them with something similar he may have experienced or what if's. I don't know if this is helping. He is putting forth some effort, but it seems minimal compared to the urgency I feel to get things on a better path. He has agreed to marriage counseling and I am leaving it up to him to initiate that help, since he already has a therapist for his ADHD. I had taken a break from the mothering role when I left, but find myself wanting to slip back in that, if it is the only way to have remotely any closeness to my husband. Someone please tell me what I am doing wrong or right, and give me advice as to what to do?