Hi everyone! I have to say I feel incredibly lucky to have found this site, its like someone has been sitting in my house for the last 4 years taking notes!! A little background about us, my husband and I have been together 5 years (4 kids between the two of us but none together) and married for 3....the first year was great and it only went downhill from there. He really did become a different person and nothing I said could make him see that...he was angry, hostile and always ready for a fight. Mix that with addictions, cheating (the most recent was in June of this year) and him deciding he really wasn't "in love" with me and didn't want to be married has made the last 3 years the hardest to take (although he has never left). But through it all, I have been the optimist that kept it all together, picking up the slack and desperately trying to "save" my marriage. I have a knack for seeing the positive in everything, so usually I am able to "talk him off the ledge" so to speak when it comes to our marriage. This included two rather ineffective tries at marriage counseling, he refuses to ever go back with me.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, his regular doctor diagnosed him with ADHD and he started taking the medication in addition to his depression meds and its been such a welcome change!!! Nothing perfect, but he actually apologized when he blew up over a couple really minor things ( a BIG step for him to admit being wrong). He's been more willing to discuss issues and to just hang out with me and have fun. We have even been able to discuss the ADHD and how it has affected us and what to do now that we know about it. I read him some of the posts from here and talked with him about the research I had done after we got his diagnosis. He has been seeing a counselor at the college he attends (completely on his own I didn't even know till he had went for a month) and that also seems to be going well, he doesn't tell me what they discuss and I don't ask. I'm hoping eventually he will be able to open up (all he will say is he is working on his relationships) and let me in, but I know hes not ready now. So I know I probably shouldn't be complaining, but last night has me completely confused!!!!
Last night before we went to bed I asked him if after having a few days to think about the ADHD, how it was affecting us (the discussion we had a few days earlier) and meeting with his counselor, was he still willing to work on the relationship. He told me he was and that he wouldn't be taking the meds or seeing the counselor if he wasn't. I then told him that I was just as willing to work on it too and change the things I needed to and that I was going to schedule an appointment with a counselor in town that specializes in ADHD and marriage. That's when he flipped out......he started yelling that I'm always thinking we need a therapist (I admit the previous attempts at marriage counseling were horrible and didn't work, but it was the only way I knew to try and get him to see how horrible he had become) and that we can get through this by reading the books and me doing the research and we can fix it ourselves. He went on to tell me its too expensive for me to go (we do have insurance) and that he goes because its offered free and when he stops going to school then he wont go either. He told me that here is nothing wrong with me and that I don't need to go. I couldn't get him to understand that both of us need help to change the patterns that we have set and especially me because I need to change how I relate to him and to get rid of the anger that I didn't even realize I had till I started reading these boards. I never said a word about both of us going to see the marriage counselor, although I would be very happy if one day he did go with me. He's totally against me going and I cant figure out why.....any ideas out there???
So I'm very sorry about the book I wrote here, any advice or ideas would be very welcome!