Didn't know where to put this, but this topic seems to fit the bill. As I share my introduction I will try not to sing to the choir, but I'm sure that I will.
About two years ago it hit me that my husband could possibly have ADHD. After just a bit of article and forum reading I realized that this is indeed a possibility. We seem to be a textbook case of ADHD/non-ADHD couples. His behavior ticks every general ADHD box and in the reading it was like reading my own life experiences over and over again. Now, two years later I am more convinced of this than ever. The problem is that he refuses to get a diagnosis and now, even address the matter.
Background on myself is that I have my own set of issues. Recently I have become aware that I suffer from anxiety disorder, OCD and possibly PSTD due to my upbringing by alcoholic parents suffering from borderline disorder (queen/witch variety). I am not a psychologist or any type of medical professional and have come to these conclusions based upon the research that mirrors my situation exactly. Neither child (21 and 15) seem to suffer from anything my husband and I do. I have always homeschooled them, so I see daily their attention and focus capabilities with school subjects.
When we met (him age 22/me 23) he pursued me vigorously. He was fun, sweet and very charming. No signs of what was to come. Of course I fell for him because he is incredibly interesting and I needed the attention. I had a full and adventurous life, but longed to share my travel and adventure with someone and had just split with my fiancee and moved back to the States. Within a month we were living together and after 3 mos he proposed, to which I said, "no, it is too quick". Well, after another month of his hounding I said yes and not a month after that he wanted to try for a baby. Again I said no, but after another couple of months we tried and got pregnant. A dumb thing as we were financially unstable. This set off years of him making crazy decisions about our lives on a whim. Finally, after our second son was born 6 years later I left him. I couldn't take his erratic behavior and his constant serial cheating any longer. I moved to a different city with the kids and he moved next door. He again hounded me, but I saw it as him in love of course. After all, I didn't want to leave HIM I wanted to leave his behavior. Six months later we reconciled and he moved back in.
I have since become a stronger woman, knowing myself better and more educated with a couple of businesses, but his bad behavior continues. I think since 2010 he has been faithful, however, as his behavior seems to indicate this, but the anger, distraction and overall child-like way of living has become too overwhelming for me to take any longer. Anything and everything that goes wrong is my fault. When we have trouble with our younger son, my husband doesn't let me manage it and then blames me when his way doesn't work (total Catch 22 situation he creates for me). I have been in counseling and will return when we again have a vehicle (car died recently). He has always refused marriage and any other counseling. He also gets very agitated when I go to therapy, but this is one time I can't care about his feelings.
Since better understanding myself and him via my research, I have been able to be more aware of situations, of my own reactions and behavior and his. However, whenever I try to (considerately) share a positive-leaning article about ADHD that can help us, he turns into Mr. Hyde and lambasts me and how I need to focus on myself and my issues. I try to tell him that his issues are some of my issues! He is always throwing around the word, "divorce" but never really means it. I tried to leave a few years ago and he went nuts. I NEVER use that word unless I mean it, so I have used it exactly two times in 22 years and both times I had paperwork to hand over with it. Today after sending him the article, "For Men with ADHD Who Aren't Convinced it Matters" and explaining that it isn't bashing, but very helpful, he screamed at me, said horrible things about my issues and said that he would move out immediately if I brought up ADHD again. Then he wanted to scour our bank statements, convinced that I am doing 'things' behind his back. Most of the time he doesn't even want to see the bank accounts or even know the passwords (I try to give them to him). He wants me in charge of everything - until he is in one of his 'moods'. I am honest and open and do nothing behind his back (save for this forum and post). So, of course there was nothing to see in the accounts that I hadn't already told him - except for one bill that I accidentally put on his account while we were out together. We had been drinking a bit and I accidentally gave them the wrong card as I said I would pay from my business account ($ management thing). Oops, but I obviously am a villain! Of course I backed down as I wasn't about to fight since it would not help the situation. Hey, I'm no saint in our marriage, but at least I am trying!
Of course I do just about everything, save for cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen floor. He is really good about that since he causes most of the mess. Otherwise it is all me most of the time. It is HEARTBREAKING to see a grown man with SO much potential not even able to finish a simple community college intro. course on the way to his dream job and have only menial labor as an option (I have nothing against menial labor, it's just that he would rather do something else). He is deathly afraid of handwriting in public and has me fill out most of his paperwork for him. He is really intelligent and used to devour books. Now, he doesn't read anything that isn't on Facebook. I know that his is scared because of this which exacerbates things and makes him more angry and paranoid. I am SO much an enabler, but when I try to back away I become the wife that NEVER wants to do anything for him and who doesn't love him. I know that I am also co-dependent (read about that too lol). Following HIS lifestyle, I feel that for the last 22 years I have lived the life of another person and not the person I was or intended to be, although I am just starting to get some of that back now.
So there you have it. A post filled with bits of every article and posts about and from us on the Internet and in the books. I hope I didn't bore you all. lol
I am laughing through my tears as I type this. I really do love him. For a while I wondered if I didn't. When things are good, they are really good. We get along so well when we travel and have time together without the pressures of day-to-day responsibilities (sometimes a month vaca). We make each other laugh and are there (for each other) when we are ill or there is trouble with the kids. For now, I am working on myself and plan not to say any more about it to him. Of course, again, he will think that he has won the battle, but not realize that the war is still raging (I don't like to think of him as my enemy, but the ADHD feels like one). However, I will be here with you all (yelling out, "Exactly! Exactly!" as I read your posts) to get and give support to get through this for however long I can continue living this lifestyle. In about three years it will only be him and me in the apartment. I want to look forward to this time together (and have told him that).
*** I know this is long-winded and I promise to be much more concise with future posts. ***