Husband running away with his "free" time

My husband seems to take all things to the extreme. He was informed that forms of exercise help ADDer's  - okay great. Yeah, not so much. He apparently believes that this is a ticket to exercise all of the time, without regard to anyone else.  Normal people will exercise 4-5 times a week - fit it in during lunch breaks, before work, ect.  Not him - he will get home from work (late) eat his reserved dinner plate and head out. Sometimes its playing catch with a ball and my son and then off for a walk or bike ride or chipping and putting, ect the list goes on and on.  For example this weekend he had planned to golf Sunday afternoon (great). Then Friday night he decides that he is going to play racket ball in the morning, well he didn't sleep (but a few hours friday night) played 1 hour of racket ball w/my son, we purchased our new computer then came home he took a nap (3 hrs), did an 1hr of yard work and then decided that he was going to go practice his golf swing! Really? Really? While I did all of the laundry, cleaned the bathrooms, back bedroom, set up all of the software, wireless internet, and back up CD and restore CD for the new computer (4hrs), played with my daughter, made a dinner menu for the up coming week, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed the floors!  So off he goes.  Then Sunday he decides that he needs to go to his parents house (45min) away to get the snowmobiles and get them ready for winter.  Now mind you, he still has golf planned for the afternoon. So I rush to the grocery store and rush back. He and my son leave for grandma's -"We won't be long? Just a quick trip."  Okay, I figure 2 hrs and they will be back.  So my daughter and I do a few things that need to be done figuring that we will all get dinner when they come back.  3 and 1/2 hours later they come home.  And he is rushing to get dressed for golf and leave. Sorry, but I work full time now too, don't I deserve time alone? Not even that, how about when are you going to spend time with your daughter? Oh and by the way, next week after racket ball in the morning on Sat  urday they are going to go out to his parents to cut wood all afternoon. Really? Why can't he see that this SUCKS for everyone else!  Yes, I get that I should go and do my own thing (but never just by myself) - but its like he is high gear on his own plans that everyone else feels left out and left to do the housework and anything else that needs to be done.  Puts me right back into the mommy/nagging role once again! Plus with money tight - I end up being the one stuck at home because he's out spending on whatever he is attracted to at the moment! Its like once his work day is done he acts like he is on vacation! I'm fed up and I don't know how to move forward from this place. Then, I start to wonder: If I am parenting alone (which I am), I am doing all of housework, all of the bill paying, homework, scheduling and taking care of sick kids and cooking all meals PLUS now working full time - what is keeping me here? Aren't I in a one sided relationship? Why not do this alone and be free? I really don't have an answer - yet.  

I can totally empathise with

I can totally empathise with you, I have been struggling with my partner for  30 years doing the same.  Just recently, I threatened to leave as I had come the realisiation that after doing some research that he must have had ADD,  He only went to the Psychiatrist because he thought I might leave him.  When he came home he just said,  "There Ive seen the Doctor now are you  happy" .  The reality has hit home again, as the Doctor really hasnt made any definite decisions, saying that my partner probably just needs more sleep.   I am visiting him in a couple of weeks to give my side of the "life" as well.  But in the meantime my partner has reverted back to his old ways....much the same as yours...comes home from work and its like its vacation time...back to his current "hyperfocus" activity which has been going now for about 12 years, but just different variances of it.

It still amazes me (even though I understand his ADD and how his brain functions), that he can finish work early every day for the past week, like I mean around 2pm every day (due to bad weather) and he comes home (sometimes) and starts with his activities down the shed....not worrying about anything else that may need doing around the home or yard.  Then still going out after I come home from work and cook dinner, not to come home until after midnight.  Then on the weekend I spend all weekend helping a daughter shift furniture into new unit,while still trying to  get housework done, all the while my partner is partaking in his recreational activity, only to ask why I hadnt done something, like pick  a mattress up from his workmates home for our daughter....I was speechless...and he was actually quite annoyed at me for not picking it he said I had all day Sunday to do it.

I didnt say too much back...just to say I was a little busy shifting furniture and trying to get his work clothes washed and dry....but you know,  I really dont think he even took the hint of my sarcasm. He thought he was quite in his right to do his hobby and recreational activity all weekend and everyday last week, while I worked,,could not see anything wrong with it..only that I didnt pick something up that he was asked to do the week before.

My adult kids know now, and I let them do the nagging... and tonight I got home from work at 6.30pm...he rocked up at 8.30pm after being over a friends place for 4hrs  - sat down and ate dinner - then said he was tired and going to bed...however now I just say...well you'd better wash the dishes...they will be there until you do them....I have to stand my ground I always gave in and did the children are not at home..not as it does just sit there...when I ask him to do something...I refuse to do it now.....   next thing is ..I will not be doing his work clothes washing....unless he spends sometime on the weekend at home helping out.....if not that is the one job that I will leave...I find that NATURAL CONSEQUENCES often work best,  that is,...I will say Sorry didnt get time to wash after I had to do all the other work this weekend....perhaps you should take some time out to do your washing..otherwise you will have to wear your work clothes for a second time....I'm not giving in this time...sounds a bit childish...but sometimes you have to resort to that as it is the only way that reaches them....They will never help out when there are no consequences and when they know that you have always given in and done it all yourself.  So the  natural consequences are the best and they cannot accuse you of being a tyrant or nag you are just someone who ran out of time doing all the things that have to be done in a home.   When my partner comes home really late, forgetting the time, of course, my natural consequence is that because I didnt know what he was doing, I didnt cook any dinner for him.   Sometimes when we go out to a party, and he drinks too much and Im the driver  ...the rule is ..I say when its time to go home.. if he refuses..I just get in the car and drive home... I know this sounds quite terrible..but after 30 years...I've had enough..and become more independent..dont really care what other people think..they haven't had to live my life.. My partner knows when I say something now..I mean it and I will see it through....I have come to realise that as soon as I start to relax and give in to him..he starts back with his old ways of not caring about anything or anybody other than himself.

Look after yourself, your children first....let his responsibilities slide especially the ones that effect him most...this might get a response, if you're lucky.  You also need to take control of the finances....otherwise you will never have anything for yourself of children.  I had to let a couple of his cheques bounce back as not paid, as he forgot to tell me he had purchased some things for himself and there was no money in the account to pay for them....He suffered the embarrassment with his friend that the cheque bounced back to him....He thought if he didnt tell me about all the money he was spending on his hobby that I would know about it, it would just fly under the radar. He still spends money, but now tries to tell me how much...sometimes I just say sorry nothing'd better tell your friend not to bank the strong  ....let him be the one to take the shame..its the only way to get them to change in a small way.

Sorry about the long drawn out I have been living with this for over 30 years now and it never gets much better...but he he a good person deep down and I've tried being the good wife and putting up with it and doing everything for him, making his life so free and easy, let me assure you that strategy does not work and now Ive had enough and fighting back to save what we have left of our marriage...Its now only the two of us and I'm strong enough now that if he doesnt make an effort I dont have to put up with it any more...Its my life too and Im looking after myself now,,he can either come with me or I will do it alone and I think he knows all too well that I will leave if it comes to that.

I had to do exactly the same

I had to do exactly the same thing you have done.  Stop doing everything for him.  The more I did the more he expected and I was killing myself.  I also finally had enough and during my own meltdown let him know that I was no longer living this way and if he didn't like he was welcome to leave.  I think alot of them need some kind of a threat to wake them up.  Be strong and stand up for yourself.  It is our life, too. 

About 6 months ago my husband

About 6 months ago my husband started rolling his own cigarettes to save money. Initially, as I'm sure sounds familiar to many here, it didn't save us anything because he had to buy 10 different kinds of tobacco and the same number of flavorings...this case, that machine to make them..or wait, there is a nicer one...I need it now..2 weeks later...and so on. But, I concede that now it saves us a LOT of money..since the new wore off. I just mention this because last night he was having to make his cigarettes and he'd been mentioning all day about how much he had to do this week, how busy he would be, needed to sit down and just make them, etc. He had to work for a few hours yesterday evening (Saturday) and as he is mixing his tobacco and flavoring he yells for me to come to the room...and then proceeds to show me that he's got it all made up and if I get "bored" while he's gone, he wouldn't mind if I made him some cigarettes. I flat out refused. I told him that I had enough responsibility on me as it was and that was NOT something I was going to take on as well. I wasn't mean about it, actually just pretended to believe he was just 'kidding anyway'..but he wasn't. He said something about him rolling them to save us money...basically insinuating that I should appreciate his efforts to save us money enough to help him make them. I still refused telling him that I very much appreciated the money it saved us, but that I did not have time and was not adding anything else to my plate...pointing out that I already do EVERYTHING else around here. Part of me was a little hurt that he would even ask knowing everything I have on my plate, but I'm sure if I said anything he'd swear he was only kidding. He didn't get upset (somewhat surprised me) so maybe on some level he knew there was no way I was going to do it.

I honestly think the medication (he's been on it a week) is making him more....self centered? Things have REALLY been all about him the last few days..and that's not like him. I am going to give it a few days and see how things go before I mention it to him. He said to me this morning, as I was pointing out to him in church who all is in my Wed night Bible Study "I really don't care" and I pretended not to hear him and said "what honey?" and he said "I said I can't really hear you" was hard for me to not be upset and hurt by him saying that. It just isn't normal for him to blow off every topic I ever bring up (like he has the past few days) and I'm thinking it must be the meds. frustrating. The feeling that the world revolves around them and their most current obsession is so frustrating. Even as much progress as we have made, this is still something that holds true for my husband. Thankfully, it doesn't HURT or take away from the marriage, so I just humor him and listen to him ramble about his latest tobacco flavoring that he just loves or his latest need for his guitar to make things easier when they get together and play.

The bottom line is that he's taking away from many aspects of his marriage...and being completely selfish and self absorbed. Yes, if he wants to exercise he has every right to do the same time taking into consideration the needs of the rest of the family. If he has to give up hitting a bucket of balls so he can stay home with the kids while you take a walk or whatever, then he needs to do that.

Are you upset that he's just basically never home or are you upset that he's leaving everything for you to do..or both? My husband did this, but it wasn't about was about running around with his friends and drinking. All of his 'me' time led to his affair. It isn't fair and it is very hurtful and detrimental to the marriage itself. I would address it ASAP and give some suggestions as to what you would like to see happen. "how about you set aside 3 days a week for an hour or two for your exercise..and on Saturdays we leave the entire day open for home/family stuff?" ...something along those lines. At one point, even if I would start by saying "I'm not asking you to give this up..." that is all he would hear me saying .."YOU NEED to STOP" and that was as far as we got. "just forget it! I will stay home and never do anything! right here where you want me and can see what I'm doing at all times!!"

Man, he used to be a jerk. :-/ Maybe you should bring it up in counseling. It is hurting you...and you deserve to be heard and deserve a compromise. period.

Yes, I am upset about both -

Yes, I am upset about both - and I feel bad for my daughter (and me) that she is missing out on time with dad and that my husband is missing out on time with our daughter - kids are only little for so long. But he doesn't get it - he thinks that if he spends 15-60min a weekend with her that its all good. 

And I hear you about the curbing time out for family and time for exercise for him (and me!) but his response is like your husband's had been - fine Ill just stay right here and not do a thing just like you want! And honestly, even when he is home he is so absorbed in whatever he is doing that I guess it doesn't matter. Maybe I am wanting something that he can't give - just normal time together - like other families have. A movie or game night that doesn't have to be over stimulating to the point that someone ends up mad or crying (one of the kids) because dad is so intense - a quiet day at home - where the kids are able to come to us and interact on their level (talking, drawing, reading, dreaming, ect). I guess that kind of sums it up - he isn't available. 

I have a question; in my journey to changing myself - I am wondering how do you let go of the idea that when your add spouse doesn't do something for you (dishes, remember things,ect) but is able to focus and follow through on the latest and greatest to them -that his actions do not mean that you are not important or that he doesn't love you?  I know this but I can't seem to emotionally make this connection.  For example: 2 wks ago he used the crock pot for a potluck at work - it had been sitting in the garage since then. oVer the weekend I asked him if he knew where the crock pot was- yes, I will get it cleaned up for you. Ok I would like that since I will need it Tuesday to make dinner before leaving for work. Weekend comes and goes - crock pot still dirty and in the garage.  Monday night - hun, do you have the crock pot I getting the things ready for tomorrow nights dinner?  Yeah, its right behind you - it needs to be washed. Ok, I need it for the morning.  Um, okay - will you at least bring it into the house for me? Yes, sure.  So I place on the kitchen table for him....I go to bed and hear him rummaging though the house as normal (tv on, snacking from the kitchen, ect).  He sleeps downstairs that night. The next morning he is up at 5am - I go downstairs to see what all of the noise is (papers shifting, zippers zipping and unzipping, ect) and he is ready to leave for the office - okay.  He leaves, I go to start the dinner in the kitchen - and see the crock pot.  In the kitchen sink - still dirty filled up water and soap.  ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!  So I had to decide - do I change my dinner plans because the crock pot is dirty or do I clean it up and continue with my plans (which would be the easiest).  I decided to not clean it up and change my dinner plans even though this caused me more energy and time to do.  He gets home from work - Im busy in the kitchen and he tries to make small talk (doesn't work) and then shyly says - guess I didn't get to the crock pot. My reply - Well that happens (I didn't know what else to say - I was so mad! but I did not yell or scream or even use a tense voice).  But the point is that he made the mess, he had 2 weeks to clean it up (there was NO WAY I was touching that -YUCK) he was asked 2-3 times about the where abouts of the crock pot and was told 2 times that I would be needing it AND I even brought the stupid thing into the kitchen for him!  It wasn't that he didn't have time to clean it so is that way I was punished and he slept downstairs?  So I guess, that is why i don't get from an emotional point that what he does or doesn' t do isn't related to how he loves you? 

I know its a very small thing but I can't count on him to help out with preparing dinner so I plan on doing it myself and one thing that helps is putting dinner on before leaving for work and having it ready when I get home. He gets that concept - but yet, I feel like he sabatoged my efforts by not cleaning the crock pot. 

I don't know the 'technical'

I don't know the 'technical' reasons behind why we should separate the love they feel for us from their seemingly inconsiderate actions although I've read it on here before, it seems to have been shoved out by other information. It is here somewhere...probably in Melissa's favorites.

BUT..for little ole me and why I don't equate his doing NOTHING around the house to how he feels about me has to do with two things. He asked me 2-3 weeks ago if I would clean off the dresser so he can bring his PS3 up here. ( is HIS stuff..HIS clothes...but he asked me to do it..anyone surprised?) I told him I would do it. Long story short, I haven't yet done it..and he has 'reminded me' 3 or 4 times. It isn't that I don't love him...I love him very, very much. It isn't that I am intentionally not doing it because I feel he should do it. It isn't that it would take me more than 10 minutes. It wouldn't. I don't really WANT to do it...and it hasn't become "imperative" that I do it yet, so I just haven't. He hasn't either. He'd either never get around to it or he would do it but throw everything on it onto the bed and let me deal with cleaning that mess up.

Secondly, if I mistook every inaction with his feelings for me, I would have to believe he hated my mere exsistence. For the longest time his words and actions did not correspond..he would tell me he loved me, but his actions SCREAMED otherwise. (this is also covered here in Melissa's Favs) The words are the truth, the actions are part of the battle with the (then) untreated ADD. God, to wrap my mind around the idea that he WANTED to make me happy, but when the time came to walk out the door to go be with his friends..or put the bottle to his mouth and get puking drunk...and he just could not overcome the urge...very hard to swallow. I didn't know about his ADD then, not sure how it would have changed things, but most of these hurtful behaviors had stopped by the time we got his diagnosis...but the issue of me never being able to rely on him to do anything around the house still remains. His OTHER actions SCREAM that he loves it makes it a lot easier to understand that him being unhelpful around the house isn't something personal against me.

I would not take his failure to clean the crock pot as something personal against you. I would personally never have even asked him to wash it because I know it would lead to me being disappointed when he didn't. I just accept this about him. I know that would not work for everyone...but it works for us. I am in school part-time, but I don't work and he works 45-50 hrs a week. It was very important to me to be able to stay home with my son (special needs) so this is what we agreed to when we met. He IS, however, very helpful with the kids...picking them up, taking them places, helping with homework, etc. Another reason I let the rest slide..he is a very involved father. (much more so now since he's being treated for his ADHD).

A couple clarifications and some ideas

First, your husband's ADHD isn't being adequately managed yet.  This isn't a surprise to you, I'm sure.  You don't mention whether or not he even has acknowledged the ADHD or whether he's trying to treat it, but he most certainly has not adequately undertaken "leg 2" of treatment - the habit/behavioral changes that will get him to be able to complete things that he isn't 100% innately interested in.

Second, a clarification about exercise and the treatment of ADHD.  There are very specific types of exercises that help ADHD, and golf isn't one of them.  Neither is snowmobiling.  It is aerobic exercise that gets you into at least a mild sweat that will help him focus more, and that focus will last about 2-3 hours on average.  If he runs for 20 minutes, he'll get all the focusing he needs, and be available to focus on something "difficult" for him afterwards, to boot.  Basic recommendation is 20-60 minutes of good, aerobic exercise a day.  If he does intervals of very challenging (high heart rate) interspersed with lower heart-rate, even better.  So get him informed on this and get him out of using it as an excuse to run off (John Ratey's book, Spark, talks quite a bit about the benefits of exercise and what it does for the brain, including a chapter on ADHD.)

His abandonment of you does have to do with his ADHD symptoms being untreated or undertreated, but also perhaps a little bit with his being able to get away with it, too.  Hand off your daughter for an afternoon - essentially forcing them to be together, don't just complain that he doesn't come and seek her out.  (He can teach her to play golf if he wants to - they still get to spend time together...or play soccer, or garden, or take a road trip, or...nothing says he can't be active with her, but it sounds as if they will need to be "out and about doing something" in order for him to feel satisfied.)  Folks with ADHD can be so easily distracted by the fun stuff that they frequently won't go seeking to do something that feels awkward or difficult for them.  So, set up some times when he's in charge of her or something else important and let him go to it.

Sit him down and figure out what he's going to be responsible for, then hold him to it.  The conversation I had with my husband about this went something like this (consider this a Dr. Phil like script of the day!):

"I simply cannot manage to do as much around the house as I'm currently doing - I don't have enough energy for it.  But more importantly, when I feel as if you aren't pitching in it makes me really resentful.  Your helping out is symbolic for me - it will help me see that you care about me and our family enough to make an effort to do something that is hard for you to do.  So I'm asking you to make a commitment to do something specific around the house that is solely your responsibility and that I will not have to do.  Something I'm currently in charge of.  Let's figure out which meaningful chore you want to take off my hands.  I won't tell you how to do it, but I do promise that I will insist that it get done because I'm simply unable to keep up any more."

My husband opted to do the dishes at night and unload the dishwasher whenever it needed it.  The first few weeks were very hit and miss but I didn't do the dishes for him, and if he didn't unload it in a timely manner then he got to load the piles of dishes that sat around, which he quickly figured out wasn't in his best interests.  The change in our household was amazing, just from his taking this responsibility seriously.

There is a chapter in my book on boundaries that might help you.  It's important to understand what you really need in order to be yourself and be happy, and then communicate that clearly to your partner.  And I'm not talking about which chores you need done, but rather some bigger ideas (attention, respect, etc.) that if you have in your mind exactly how they impact you can help you set down some guidelines in your relationship.  Right now he seems to be walking all over you and your response is to steam (I understand this could be a bad impression since you've only told a small part of your story).  Anyway, if it's true that this is the case, then that puts you in a very bad position to feel good about yourself.  You would benefit from assessing what will help you get more of your own needs met...but again, thinking about this in the larger picture will help keep you from falling into the trap of thinking that having him do a few chores is what you need - you need more than that, I suspect - appreciation and the like.

Best of luck with it...

Thanks everyone for all of

Thanks everyone for all of ideas and support!  This site is truely amazing.  My husband is actively in counseling for ADD and taking meds for it as well as depression (dextropamphetamine XR and Fluoxtine) as well as we are in couples counseling (the opposite week of his ADD counseling).  I think Melissa is right on - he has not truely undertaken the 2nd leg of treatment.  We had this conversation about our date nights.  We have had 4 date nights over the past 1.5 months and usually what happens is the following:  my husband starts off with an agaitated state and then becomes withdrawn and irritated - no matter what I try to: engaging him in conversation (nothing) ignoring his attitude (nothing) change or improve the mood its a bust.  Until we end up doing something that he is interested in. Shopping is a good example - he will spend unlimited time in the clearance aisle at walmart looking at every little thing (all a bunch of  junk that we don't need or want) in the aisle and completely ignoring me. But his mood has done a complete 180.  As a matter of fact when he is interested in something it's so intense that Im ignored and I don't think that he would even notice if I were to leave. We had decided that shopping isn't something that we should do on date night.  Then he made the statement of he wants to do something new everytime (so its not boring for him) and he wants a more active lifestyle so I would get active things will be better.  I asked him about why he doesn't seem to be excited or interested in day to day things like other are.  You know, needing to get things accomplished (housework, kids homework, going to church, grocery shopping- and taking pleasure in knowing that you have made an impact for the better.  Plus, why can't we enjoy our company without having to search for stimulus all of the time?  Basically my point was that constantly engaging in stimulus isn't healthy - your not learning to live life here and now - your just questing for the "next big thing".  And of course, getting our of responsibilities of grown ups.  So yes, it totally hurts to know that Im not enough stimultion to get his attention, but I do feel better calling it out.  We didn't really get any solution to how to make date night better - he still says that unless its exercising or a new experience that is of his interest he doesn't think it will get better.  Opinions please.   Now, I shared the 20-60 min of cardiovasculat exercise a day is sufficient for ADHD people to help focus their minds for the day - needless to say, he was a bit surprised that I knew that and was bringing it up.  So 60 min of racuqet ball on Sat morning and then a 3 hour nap Sat afternoon - he should have been in tip top condition for our date that night - but that was not the case.  We did have a conversation about exercise and that I would love to be able to have the time to do so- but what does he think would happen to all of the things that I do if I just stopped doing them?  I already only sleep 5 hrs at most a night (taking care of kids at night) so I can't take any time from sleep.  I gave him a comparision of what my day was on Sat vs his day - surprisingly enough - the last 2 nights he has come home from work and emptied the dishwasher and taken out the garbage. Not sure if this is so he will get what he wants (a membership at the "Y") or if he gets that I need help before I can give to anything else - I hope its the lattter. 

Funny thing - he and I had an arguement about him not spending time with our daughter and when he brought it up to our counsolering (during his ADD session)  the counselor recommended that he get into the habit of having a date with his daughter - for everyone sake! He has managed to follow through (this week will be the 2nd date for them) - whenever he and I have a really strong disagreement or arguement he mentions it to the counselor and the next thing I know - he is doing what I had originally asked of him during our arguement - at least I know that Im not completely unreasonable as he says. 

I guess my question is really this - we have always been able to shop together, go out for dinner or a movie without problems like listed above and enjoy ourselves (husband agrees with this too) until recently.  So over time and with work will this get better too?  I can't stand feeling so completely ignored and shut out that if this can't improve (just something that a person with ADD isn't able to "do") Im not sure I can handle this.  

And Melissa, you are correct - I need to focus on the larger picture! I need those boundaries for us and more.  I still wonder if he is capable to meeting expectations and I think that is part of what is holding me back.

The connection between love and actions

To me, if he used something and didn't clean it, it would feel like a lack of respect for me, like he doesn't love me. It feels that way when he ruins my clothes, when we get bugs because he doesn't wash dishes like he promised, when I can't afford my medicine but we pay for his.

It is nice that you are able to do everything he does not do. But some of us have kids, full-time jobs, are full-time students, etc. and it seems so unfair that he works 40 hours a week but we are "on duty" for 168 hours a week!

I believe him when he says he loves me, but that does not make it hurt less (physically or emotionally) when I have to do something that he is more physically able to do. It is so hard that I have to walk the dog, clean the litter box, etc., which are physically hard things for a person who doesn't walk well to do. (I know, people seem to think I should just get rid of the dog, but he's 7 and wouldn't be adopted at the shelter. It isn't his fault his master has ADD!) I think the fact that I don't feel loved because he pushes everything on me and does not meet my needs is the hardest part of being married to someone with ADD.

Inattention or refusal?

I can understand that his brain works differently-that he might be distracted and forget to take the laundry out of the washer and put it in the dryer. I can work with that.

What I can't understand is how, when I remind him, when I bring it into the "now," ("Honey, you left a load in the washer, can you go put it in the dryer?") he still doesn't do it. It seems like more deliberate refusal, like he thinks he shouldn't have to do that. That doesn't seem like ADD, just plain laziness or even entitlement.

I'm so confused about this issue.

It is confusing.  My husband

It is confusing.  My husband sometimes acts the same way until I remind him that he isn't the only person in this big cruel world. 

I recently was discussing

I recently was discussing this subject with my husband..ADDer...and I mentioned how he can remember something (I don't even remember what it was now) without being reminded (something he enjoys or needs or wants, of course) but cannot ever remember to take the garbage can to the curb without me reminding him. If I forget, I instantly remember when I pull out to take the kids to school and our road is lined with I often wonder why can't HE see this and it serve as a reminder to him too. Anyway, he said "I do remember, I just don't want to take it around" and laughed. Something happened and I wasn't able to respond at that moment, but a few hours later I asked him if that was true..was he serious..adding that it really hurts me to think he would just deliberately avoid doing the ONE thing I ask him to do just because he 'doesn't want to'. He of course denied what he'd said and claimed he does just forget....but it really did put a lot of doubt into my mind. If he were just kidding he'd have said so hours earlier when he brought it up. I'm not saying there isn't some legitimate forgetfulness that comes with ADD...but....