Hi all, I am looking for responses of ADHD and non-ADHD spouses. W/O a lot of detail let me just say that my husband has a very big tendency to forget things and an even bigger one to lie about it to cover it up. EXCEPT the lies never make sense so it's normally quite apparent to me that he is not being honest. After our usual weekly blow-up (I know, this can't be healthy, right?) he says that I push him too hard. First, let me say that I am SO HAPPY that he communicated that to me (NO sarcasm!) b/c he normally just says I don't know to everything and it leaves me in a space where I am confused and don't know how to help us so this may be a start in the right direction. But now what do I do? Here are some of the things that I do normally "push" and according to him, too hard.
Finances:
He has over drafted his account and took a few months (3-4) to get this taken care of to the point that it hit collections. I reminded him several times about it and probably even nagged but it was because it affects US (him, me, and the kids--3). I have been working on building our credit and doing so successfully, I don't want any issues b/c once I finish graduate school next year I would love to buy a home (it is my dream!).
Furthermore, we had an agreement about not making large purchases ($500) w/o notifying the other. Albeit this was my idea but it is b/c I have to make sure that we can both pay our half of the rent/utilities and he has not paid part of his bills before leaving me to pay them b/c he bought things for his hobby. WELL, he didn't technically make a purchase over $500 but rather FINANCED some tools for over $200 a month/6months. They were for work as he is a mechanic BUT this should've been discussed and NO I am not a power hungry wife at all this is why:
Turns out he was 2 and a half months behind on paying for the tools. Guess what? This also negatively affects our chances of getting a house in the very near future. He always thinks that I am trying to run him or am too controlling when in fact I am trying to keep things together. If I had known about the tools I would have made sure that they were getting paid on time by him since he typically need a reminder.
Lastly, about those tools^^^, he finally setup auto draft for the $500+ dollars to come out BUT he hadn't put the money in the account to clear it and thus... well it will get over drafted. He claims that he did put the money in 4 days ago BUT miraculously it hasn't appeared in the account. This is our typical situation, he makes up or lies about things instead of just saying he hasn't done it. I have pushed the last two days for him to contact the bank to fix this b/c for one, there's hundreds of dollars floating around who knows where and I also don't want the account he just opened back up to be over drafted AGAIN!
Everything I push for is something that is vital to our day to day living and the quality of our lives. I am not fussing about what he eats or if he washed his butt; however I am pushing for things that need to be taken care of so that we have a roof to live under, food in our mouths and a healthy life. Am I going about this wrong? am I wrong? what advice do you all have?
Thanks
My opinion is that if a
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My opinion is that if a particular matter potentially puts you (the spouse) on the line legally, you are justified in speaking to your husband about it. Because if you get hauled into court, you saying "My husband gets annoyed when I push him to pay his bills" isn't going to fly as a defense. You need to protect yourself, as you are trying to do.
I Totally Agree Rosered
Submitted by kellyj on
No one wants to think in terms of the future and legal battles but if you just sit back and say nothing when your spouse is putting you "on the line" legally without your consent or say so even when you are married to them and trust them "now", you might be compromising yourself and not even realizing it. You are definitely setting your self up for becoming dependent on that person and trust they will honor their word. If you are married to them, the license itself is a binding legal contract and to find out after the fact the reasons why they didn't tell you up front or pushed your into a corner ( and you just complied in the moment simply because you didn't want to say anything or rock the boat to avoid conflict) the consequences that may have for you in the future like may leave you high and dry. Taking care of yourself in all respects and not letting other people do that for you....either pushing you to do something for their benefit (overtly) , or doing something that you will also be held accountable for in the future (covertly). I think the phrase...playing checkers with a chess player or the reverse might be a good one to use here as callous as that might sound. I totally agree
I suggest you go to counseling....
Submitted by c ur self on
You are painting your husband as irresponsible and not trust worthy. So you've made it your job to be his one woman over site committee (out of fear of what will happen if you don't, Im guessing)....You are mothering a grown man who sounds like he doesn't want your over attentive input....If you can't back off and just be a loving wife more trouble is coming. I know you feel you have no choice, based on the actions of your husband. I'm sure it's super hard to stand by and watch the actions you've listed here. I suggest you count your options, because the road you're own will only continue to produce more of the same. You two really need to get counseling...You are to invested in this life with your husband to be able to tell him what should happen. It don't work that way, never has, never will. The product is usually anger, coldness and eventually divorce...
It's to personal for you two....A counselor will speak truth to you....He will require accountability from your husband and you....He also will help you two start looking at each other in a healthy light again....
Own it!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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Husband Says I Push Too hard
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Own what you're doing. You are pushing. Own it. :)
There's nothing wrong with saying, "Yes, I absolutely am pushing you about ______. I completely admit it. As to whether I push "too hard," only depends on whether the stuff is getting done when I'm not pushing? Is it?" (Uh...no.).
So, since the things aren't getting done when no one is there to remind, then all he's done is "creating his own nag." He's trying to direct attention away to his own short-comings....not getting things done.
When people say things like that to us, they're expecting us to back up, deny, and go away. NO. OWN IT.
"Yes, I am pushing. I wish I didn't have to remind and push. However, ______ is too important because of _________ negative ramifications that happen when those things don't get done. "
"so, yes, absolutely I push. As soon as you are organized and mature enough to remember on your own, I won't have to say a word."
Usually, they're so stunned by your admittance that they have no other defense. they're expecting you to deny, deny, deny. NO, gladly own it. Wear it with pride.
Where's the Like button?
Submitted by on the edge on
This is great! I wish I had read it years ago.