I feel very odd about this, and it's very difficult to frame into words, but I feel so frustrated (?) and frightened (?) and empty (!) because my husband seems to be trying very hard to behave like a reasonable individual and - outwardly - appears to be pretty much asymptomatic at this time. This has been only for the past 2 weeks or so. For me, this experience feels like hoveringin the twilight zone, because I know that nothing has really changed and so I guess I am wary of the next big explosion.
For the last year, he has had his own business, which has been more productive than anything he has done in the past. This, at great cost to all things relational. Most recently, his right-hand-man quit, having grown sick of the craziness. Of course, my husband refuses to even try to understand why. I work with him, too... but after dropping myself from the payroll during one of his blow-ups a couple months ago, I refuse to be his employee again. He does not seem to care why. His new right-hand-man keeps encouraging me to go on the payroll once again. I simply say that it is not worth it to me. I will help in the ways that I can help. (I will not be his slave or co-conspirator in pretending like all is well.) The newest Mr. Right Hand has not yet seen the worst of my husband, so I guess he is still fooled. What I have learned is that ADD thinks and feels the same about ALL of us, just keeps it under wraps better with some than others. The man who quit had some serious personal limitations, so it seemed that husband felt very free to dump all over him. The new guy does not need this job and could go elsewhere in a moment, so he gets the kid gloves.
So - once again - nothing has been resolved, only covered over with a thin veneer of pretense. He does not ask about my meeting with the counselor. He does not tell me whether he placed the phone call to schedule his assessment with the psychologist to whom we were referred. He does not ask about these books I am reading or the workbook we could be doing together to begin to tackle this. He is too busy trying to prove that he is okay, that nothing is wrong, that he does not need help.
I am wondering - should I be telling him now that we absolutely must begin reading together and tackling this workbook? I feel like we have to do something or else this marriage is over. I mean, we have no connection, no intimacy, and just beneath the surface is this brewing storm, in the center of which I am the bad guy who has a problem with him.
It has honestly been such a relief to not have him in a manic frenzy, or a rabid rage, or whatever other kind of acting out might spring to life any moment. I am reluctant to stir that pot. I feel like a coward.
The last time I really tried to have a deep discussion with him, was about the employee who finally quit. I tried to explain that when he offered the guy a piece of his company, he created a bond - an emotional investment - after which he pretty much treated the kid like a dog and dumped on him all the stress and work of trying to fulfill the demands of one of husband's big schemes. It was too much. What he will not admit is that he treated this person differently because he felt that he had him by the short hairs. It was manipulative and calculating and backfired horribly, but he absolutely seems incapable of understanding that. Leaves me with the feeling - why bother? He treated my son (his step-son) much the same way, until son grew taller than him and would not stand for it. He did me the same way when I was on his payroll, which is why - now - I am only a free-will helper.
Sorry this is such a blathering mess. I guess mostly what I would like folks' views on is - should I set a boundary/rule that he and I must begin working on this reading material and workbook together if we are going to continue to live together? Because if we don't, we are only waiting for the next blow up to finish simmering. Thank you for any thoughts!