Husband of an Undiagnosed ADD Wife

We've been married for 20 years but just now beginning to realize that the reasons I feel miserable about our marriage and unloved may have more to do with my wife's undiagnosed ADD than anything else. On one hand its a relief - offers hope that something can be done - on the other anxiety about failure.

We have a high school age daughter who has just been diagnosed with inattentive type ADD. She is extremely bright and smart and seems to have coped well till her high school years. In researching ADD and its lifetime consequences I came to this site. Melissa's blog about introduction to adhd and marriage just hit me over the head. It EXACTLY describes our marriage. However, looking at the site bothers me as most of the comments I see on this site are from women discussing their ADHD husbands. I see very little about men with adhd wives. Perhaps its because men tend to be less open about their feelings? Or perhaps there is a forum or blog that I have not seen.

I have started reading the Melissa Orlov's book but still unsure how to approach this with my wife. We are at a point of essentially no companionship, minimal intimacy, strictly business discussions (chores, grocery etc - most of which essentially I have to do) and the only thing holding us together is kids and my resolve to make this work. Every problem has got to have a solution, its a matter of finding it.

Sorry for the disorganized rumbling of thoughts here but I felt like venting somewhere and asking for support. Did not mention that we have been in marital counseling for over a year now and my wife just suddenly pulled the plug and declined to go anymore. I am not sure if the counseling helped and I don't think the marriage counselor realized the ADD issue before I bought it up recently - makes me think that I need to go somewhere else for help.

Would greatly appreciate to hear any suggestions. Feel very lonely and out there by myself. I really love my wife, despite everything, and really want to make this work. I think the first thing will be to make a diagnosis and seek care but I don't even know how to approach the topic with her.