Husband's ADHD, Adultery and Abuse--Please Help Me!

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and severe depression in June three years ago.  The reason I had him diagnosed was because I caught him cheating on me by giving me an STD.  After 17 years of marriage and knowing from the beginning this was the only thing I could not tolerate, he did it anyway.  I immediately seeked council of my minister as well as a therapist.  I learned that if I wanted to save my marriage, I had to forgive him with the understanding that he would change.  He claimed he cheated on me with prostitutes, three times in three years.  I never believed that and thought he had no remorse and was just sorry he got caught.  Well, we went to individual counseling, church and couples counseling.  Things were getting better and after a year and a half, we renewed our wedding vows.  As soon as the renewal took place, he went back to being his old self.  Irresponsible, never being present, I could never reach him and he began to shut down from me.  He lied continuously about where he was (if he even told me he was going out).  He began attending my daughter's school sports games, playing golf and watching sports games at the local Elks and VFW.

We have one daughter who was bound for college this fall.  I handle all the paperwork, bills, refinancing our mortgage (and getting one for that matter).  I handle all the financial, school, investment, banking decisions, you name it.  My husband cannot even reconcile a checkbook statement.  During the past six months, he began to be extremely defensive whenever I asked him a question, he retreated to our family room downstairs, and the only time I really saw him was at dinner (I make a "Sunday" dinner every night).  I was hoping I could wait until my daughter went off to school this September before ending it, because I was at the point where it was more painful to stay with him than be without him.  I felt that he degraded me, belittled me, and treated me like I was worthless.

I am 48 years old with MS (though you would never know it because I am able to keep my illness in check and most people wouldn't even know I had it since you cannot tell physically) and I am the doer in my home.  After meeting with my minister shortly over 2 months ago, he gave it to me straight, "that my husband didn't love me and was using me to do all of his stuff that he didn't want to do nor knew how to do".  He prayed with me that I would be able to see the truth in all of this and separate because God didn't want any of his people to be abused emotionally and feel worthless.  Well, it took me one day to acknowledge this and after he mouthed off at me again the next day, I called the police and had him removed.

I knew he had ADHD, but never really looked into it thoroughly due to time constraints; he really didn't look into it--sure he tried the medicine, changed it a couple of times and then just stopped without telling me.  The verbal and emotional abuse were more than I could take any longer and now I find myself trying to "save" him.  I am obviously a co-dependent, helping anyone and everyone who needs it (one of the things my husband hated that I did).  I filed for separation support, but he counter filed to divorce.  I told him I would not sign for divorce because I was hoping this would shake him and he would try to help himself.  I cannot for the life of me know how anyone could live with the guilt of cheating consistently, lying, and living a double life.

I guess my question is who can help us the most?  I know he will never get help unless he acknowleges the problem, but he is in partial denial.  We did go to marriage counseling for three years which helped me greatly, but he thought it was a venting session for me--he never did his homework, but went any way every week because he thought he was "doing his part".  Should I even bother trying to save this or is it definitely too late.  It is so painful I cannot even stand myself and cannot get him out of my head.  He did come over to "talk" and I demanded a change and that he get help, but his main concern was "when can I move back in".

I also take care of my elderly mother and am at my wits end.  Though being rejected by him time and time again, it hurts the most this time even though I had him leave, he was never here to begin with, if you know what I mean.  I would like to find an ADHD specialist for him, for me (I guess I don't know how to communicate with an ADHD person), and couples counseling.  Bottom line, if he truly doesn't want it, it will never happen.  Any help you could give me would be a God send and greatly appreciated.