Hyper UN-Focus

I've been dating my boyfriend for around three and a half months now. Things got pretty serious pretty quick, as I've come to understand ADHD relationships do (what with the hyperfocus and such). We're long distance, he lives in IL and I live all the way in Ontario, so sometimes we miss each other lots.

My problem isn't so much hyper-focus, which I can deal with just fine, it's this new thing he does, where for two or three days, he LOVES talking to me, acts like I'm the most important person in his life, and then switches to where he acts like we're not dating, and I'm just a random girl he knows. Sometimes he'll call me 'babe' and act like I'm actually his girlfriend, but for the most part, it's one word answers and insensitive comments.

I don't know if I'm being over-sensitive or not, but I mean...when he's on Skype and I'm trying to talk to him, he'll go an hour without saying anything, and then respond with a link to something completely irrelevant to the conversation. Occasionally it seems like he wants to talk, he'll initiate the conversation, but then it drains away quick and I'm left with stuff to say, and an unresponsive boy to say it to. The same goes for texting, he just...doesn't answer. And he could just be busy with the texting stuff, but the online communication is lacking, and I'm afraid to bring it up because whenever I bring things like that up, he gets irritated, or acts like I 'need' him and he hates when people 'need' him.

I'm supposed to be visiting him in like 20 days, staying at his pseudo-parents place for around a week and a half, and he doesn't seem to miss me, isn't acting excited to see me again (this is my second trip there), and whenever I talk about it, I get no response, just like anything else I say.


What'd going on with him? I don't think he's lost interest, I did ask if he'd tell me if I upset him or anything was wrong, he said he would tell me, and nothing was wrong. He's not really the type to stay quiet about this stuff.


I need to know that I'm not alone in feeling like he could care less if I cut communication for a few days. I mean, I love him, and he loves me (even though he doesn't like saying it to each other, we're supposed to 'be able to feel it'. Yeah, I would, if he acted like he did), but when it gets like this, I feel like he wouldn't even notice if I dropped off the earth. His responses (or lack of responses) indicate that I wouldn't really be missed.


Anyone know what this feels like?
How do I make myself feel like it'll be okay?
Is this common with ADHD relationships?

What you are describing is

What you are describing is called "distraction" in the world of ADHD. You sound really sweet and it seems you want a great relationship. Here's some stuff to consider: Do you know if he has a diagnosis? If so, is he getting treatment--meds, counseling, behavior therapy? Is he committed to the treatment and overcoming the effects of ADHD in his life? I suggest finding this out and also commit to understanding exactly what it means to have ADHD and to be in a relationship affected by it. You found this forum, so start here for sure, but also read as many books as you can get your hands on before deciding to commit to this man for the long haul. For many, an ADHD relationship is often difficult for both parties. Now there are a lot of variables that can contibute to a happy or successful relationship (or not) such as the severity of his symptoms, his willingness to CONSISTENTLY tackle his symptoms, and your personality just bname a few. Information about ADHD is your best friend at this time.

Thank you for...

Hermie40,

Thank you for explaining this to me, I've kinda been sitting around in a constant state of 'whaaaaat?'
I do want a great relationship with him, I understand it can be difficult with ADHD around, but I care about him. Past his diagnosis, I see the person that he is and could be, which is why I'd fight for us/AM fighting for us.

I know he's on medication, and as far as I know, that's all he really does to manage it. He has some activities he does to relieve stress that could build to what we call 'emotionsplosion', like biking, climbing trees, things like that. It seems he's super committed to making sure he has his medication. He takes two kinds, Adderal (I probably spelt that wrong, sorry!), and...something else, I don't think he told me the name, only what it does.

As for overcoming it, I don't think he sees it as a problem, as much as something he needs to occasionally peek on to make sure he hasn't gone over the limit of being okay. He knows he needs his meds, and he warned me about hyperfocus, but it seems like he thinks I need to keep my reactions to his actions in check, and not so much he should try keep his actions in check when he can.

I know being in an ADHD relationship means that you're a big support for the ADHD partner, there's a lot of patience needed from you, and a lot of 'being there when they need you, and have your own support system for when this gets stressful', but I didn't consider how much it could affect us. That's not to say that now that I know, I regret starting with him. I absolutely don't. Underneath the stress, he's a wonderful man, and 90% of the time, the wonderful shines through.

I'm usually quiet about things that bother me, I wait to see if things will even out before I just step up and say something. I'm very 'I'm here for you' with him. Personality wise, we've talked about, he says I fit, and I have everything. I can be his comfort, his support, his laughing-good-time-jokes person, his crying-upset-just-hold-me person, his lover, and his just-run-and-don't-stop-running-woooooo! person. His personality can be scattered, but I try my hardest to roll with it. It's only times like this, with such a drastic switch that I'm sorta stuck in the dust cloud with confusion all twisted up in my heart.

I was thinking of the library for books about it, maybe study up and learn more.

I really appreciate the time you took to help me with this. :)

Thank you so much,

Ash