I finally managed to get my Husband to a counselor who recognizes ADD, the counselor actually did extensive research and is really understanding our situation, my Husband is scheduled with a Psychiatrist for meds. Nevertheless, that's as far as it went, and I lost hope. He wouldn't do anything beyond that, no discussions at home, kept avoiding having me involved in "his" counseling, and started to back off his belief that he even has ADD. After much thought, and reading a lot of the posts here, as well as my books and the books on Co-Dependency, I went to our last session (against his wishes) and laid out a 6 month plan to work through all of our financial issues, and separate everything, and work with the counselor to build an extraordinary friendship and learn to be extraordinary parents together. At the end of the 6 months, we'll take a pre-planned trip together as a family and come home to our new separate lives. He responded with anger and accused me of blaming him for everything, and I assured him there is no blame, and the discussions about who/what/how etc were over and the goal was only going forward now. He left angry, but quickly became very easy to live with.
Now, he's doing everything I ever wanted and being the HUSBAND I've wanted for the past few years! When we finally talked and I asked him if he agreed with the plan, he said he yes that it's the only option. Through the discussion he told me that he needs things, and all the things he told me he needs are the things I've been wanting for the past 3 years of therapy and fighting! Now I feel like he wants them, just not with me.
Now it seems the hyperfocus is back, but not with the intent to keep me, which is really hard. He's attentive, caring, loving, even affectionate. He's making the boys be respectful, asking about my day, being helpful without asking, and asking what I need or he can do to help out. I looked at him and told him how sad I am because I truly believe that if I met him today I'd fall madly in love with him all over again, and when I asked him the same he said, "yeah, probably". I was crushed, so I started thinking about it.
I met my husband when I moved here from 1,600 miles away. I left my friends, and everything I loved and wanted, to take care of my uncle and grandparents, all of whom are gone now. I adopted his life, friends, clubs, hobbies, everything. And although he's given most of these up over the years of me getting through law school, and us raising our kids, it's all waiting for him to return. I've been very careful to make sure that he never felt like my life eclipsed his, that he had the opportunity to have a life outside of our marriage and family. The result is, I have no family when he's gone, no clubs, friends, hobbies, and the job I have will have to go because I'll need to find a job with medical coverage. I'll have nothing and his entire life will be returned to what it was before the marriage. And I believe he's always romanticized that life before me.
That leaves me with the last stab to the heart, I've always felt like nobody needs me for anything but a paycheck. I'm the breadwinner, and I get home at 8-10 pm every night because I don't have a choice. Nobody really cares, and nobody ever really even knows where I am, which has always devastated me. Now nobody will even know IF I make it home, or care. He's just let me know unequivocally that he doesn't need me, and never did. His life is going to be better without me, he's actually anxious to get rid of me.
So now, I've got him in what appears to be hyperfocus mode, or is it him trying to reap the benefits of therapy? Am I giving up everything I wanted too soon in exchange for a clean house and "order out of chaos" only to have nothing but an empty house and absolutely nothing in my life at all? Where do I address these issues & how? Do I bring them up in counseling? I told him I was done, and now all I do is cry. I feel like asking to try again is just going to empower him to take control over me again and send my life spinning out of control with threats of divorce on a weekly basis, and constant manipulation, and emotional/mental abuse. Plus, my 11 year old is in counseling to deal with how the ADD has affected their relationship, do I have a right to back peddle when I'm seeing progress there?
Is he just so happy to get rid of me that he sees a light at the end of the tunnel and I'm interpreting it as love, hyperfocus, or the man of my dreams? I've rambled, I apologize.