Hello! I have been educated by this site and the book for about 6 months. My husband and I are in our mid 40s and have been married 28 years. We fight every 2 weeks, every fight is an explosive one regardless of how it starts. I have social anxiety so this is not me to post but I read every day the frustration and I see progress and incredible support from members. I will do the best I can to edit but I will apologize in advance as I am not very good at short and sweet.
Our history the good and the bad. Spouse took ADD meds in high school, said they made him feel like a zombie, he didn't think about ADD or consider it in any part of his adult life, I knew he had it as a kid but never thought anything about it either. He is a military man, excelled in his career and retired, no real issues in the Army but I have since learned this is actually an excellent job for an ADDer, there is only one choice, you will do it or their will be consequences. We met as teens, experienced hyperfocus not knowing it at the time, got preggers, then marriage. All went pretty well until I got on the pill, didn't want as much sex as him so in stepped porn. This went on for 7 years. It started with bringing a magazine home from work, occasionally stopping at the vid store for porn to watch while I was at work but hid it from me, then the end of fuzzy cable pay channels that often clear up in the all important ending without paying. I got off the pill to fix our sex life, I got pregnant, then we bought a computer. The computer turned my world upside down. Porn, porn and more porn. This became a constant battle, he would promise not to do, I would find it, he would lie only admitting with proof, he got better at hiding it and I got better at finding it, he still lied, I still found hope in each lie. He went on a tour to a place where trust would be needed, he partied there, I partied here, I had an affair. It was with a male friend of mine but was also a soldier in his unit. I did not reveal the affair. I know this sounds so bad but the affair became my coping mechanism every time I found porn again. "Oh yeah, not going to do porn again huh, Broke another promise again well at least I "F" a real person. We worked through the affair after he discovered it in 2000 he promised to never look at porn again, I promised to never speak to affair again. Didn't last long at all, he got caught shortly after, he tested me with a fake screen name to see if I would talk to affair, I did, to tell him I wanted my marriage to work, the affair was my friend before the affair, I didn't want to be cruel, I knew he had feelings but yes I technically "talked"to him. I never talked to him again. I have never cheated or even come close since. I love my husband very much, I really do.
Because of his career, pretty much all household chores and kids were done by me, I supported his career and he will support mine at retirement from military. I supported his ENTIRE career, he was often gone for weeks, months or even a year at a time. He retired. Porn never stopped, I kept staying knowing full well he will "get me again" I got key loggers, asked him for honesty, he lied, I told him I knew, he lied, I told him I had a key logger on his laptop, he didn't know that, once again promises, lies. In 2010 he retired from military. We move home, I start my career while he starts to get ready to go to college. He can't start for 3months. I work in a miserable place, he plays video games. Doesn't help with house at all. I realize that him supporting my career didn't mean the same thing to him. We fight almost daily, I am disillusioned, I will be doing everything forever. It sucks. But I love him so I remain.
we move for my career, fresh start. I love my job but resent him greatly. He starts school, I help almost daily, he helps me by cooking dinner. I can live with that but of course I wasn't home all day so he was alone. With porn. My sex life was the worst it had ever been. It was to simply appease me since he got his enjoyment during the week, he lied about it though, only admitting that this year. 2015 and 2016 has been pure hell. So many events have happened that I just cannot over look. Either his ADD is getting worse or we are just done. Hoping all of you will provide insight. I really feel like he throws tantrums. Some recent issues. We made somewhat of a relationship agreement, it allowed porn but also that he couldn't be negative in airports, (I have social anxiety, talking about the "fat"guards makes me uncomfortable, I'm afraid he will offend people and even when he whispers he is louder than he realizes) and some other things but we both had input and agreed to the agreement. These are the worst 2 incidents to my psych and it did something to me internally. He argued that he did nothing wrong. It hurt me unimaginably and it may have broke me.
Both started in an airport (hence it being in the agreement). 1st one, he has never been good with lines and people in the way, we exited the plane and were almost to the end where the ticket counters are and he got all pissy at this lady in his way, she was pregnant! I said something because how rude! He got pissed off and no talking. We fly home, I attempt to talk, never works, blow up fight, slams brakes on in middle of road, called me the big ol "C" word, I was absolutely mortified, it was loud and outside in the parking lot. Several attempt to talk but in my opinion this was one of those tantrums, my Christmas vacation was ruined. By day 5or6 he finally talks.
the worst one for me and it changed my feelings for him is earlier this year. In line for security, he starts talking about how heavy the guards are, "what are they gonna protect" this was in the agreement, no negatives. He thinks it's fine because he was just "making conversation" social anxiety. Very uncomfortable in airports. I simply remind him of the agreement, he agreed to this same agreement, he gets all pissy and calls me the big ol"C" word again. I'm beyond mortified this time because I have to fly on a plane with these same people that saw it, I try to talk to him, he huffily gets up, and flips me off while walking to a different section. Vacation goes to hell. We fly home separately and I leave him.
Instead of no contact, we still slept together, still at same job, still make plans on weekends to do things together. I move back home. Not long before same ol returns. Same fights, same explosions, same everything. We read the book, we make changes, we do better at times. This leads me to this week. We get in so many fights over who was wrong but the problem seems to be he thinks he is 100% in the right. I started tracking my cycles and moods because maybe it's me, we've tried everything. It wasn't. He ironically is the most cranky on my happiest week. We made it a whole month without a fight because I was aware when I was moodier so could tell myself to shhh it. I actually thought maybe we turned a corner but then these 2 events that I just can't make sense of, i feel like i couldn't have done it different. Please help me and my spouse to sort out the ADD of this. Is he just being selfish?
Thanksgiving day, I wake up needing coffee he wakes up wanting to DO ALL THE THINGS! I get this, he is antsy in the morning, I am not, ever. He goes to get sugar and butter so he can do things. I have to cook and he knows this. At Walmart he sends like 10 texts with cute pics of him with toys to send to our granddaughter but he also sends them to me, so each time I stop what I'm doing to see text, its a little annoying but that's an ADD trait I find endearing so it's fine. He gets home 2.5 hours later. I help with food and then get back to cooking. He wants to plan our walk, I ask him to,let me finish, he says well before or after dinner? I asked him again to please let me finish i only have 15 mins left. He then proceeds again. I get annoyed and try to convey that I would like to finish and then I will plan walk, he gets pissed off, I try to explain he "doesn't even want to talk about" cutting me off and storms upstairs. He still thinks I was the asshole and refuses to see it any other way. After yelling which he hates, he storms out and calls me the big ol C" word yet again.
When he stays in the other room, he, by his own admission uses porn when we fight, when he stonewalls me for an entire day and I know he will be remaining in the other room, it causes anxiety for me because I am literally sleeping next door to him hurting me. I text him telling him this, he chooses to stay in the room anyway. He says he didn't use porn, how can I possibly believe him. He comes down the next morning, sits in chair, doesn't talk. So I start, I tell him my feelings about our marriage, how if he continues To use porn our marriage will never be what it could, that hurt will not heal until the porn ends. I have now allowed the porn for a few months, to see if we would improve, although it still bothers me but if he treated me with respect I think I can do it, I love this man so damn much. I was talking for a good while, fully intending to let him do the same, we are at the end here after all so not a lot gets held back, I tell him that he has never kept a single promise to me and that he hasn't been faithful either (porn) then he interrupted with an insult " funny coming from you" I try to proceed and he flips out because I interrupted his insult? It's been 3 days of hatred and stonewalling. I get this every time we fight now, then when he is calm and only when he is calm he wants to love me blah blah blah.
is this an UNTREATED ADD plagued marriage or am I just holding on to a bad marriage? I will say I do love this man very much, when his temper is in check he is labor of fun, I love his spontaneity even if its irritating at times. He is also committed to this marriage he says, he has made improvements but as soon as there is a fight he is very mean, stonewalls, hates me, says such cruel things, he forgets these after the fact due to his ADD, I don't and it hurts. He just keeps hurting me.