I understand my partner has ADHD, but I don't want to raise a man-child. My anxiety about this manifests itself in insomnia, vomiting for no reason, and inability to function on some days. On one hand, I feel like I should just be able to walk out but on the other I feel a huge amount of guilt and obligation to stay. Just this morning, he volunteers to "clean" the kitchen. I walk in there and the dishwasher is half empty and dishes still piled up in the sink, he apparently lost interest half way through. Forget about putting a salad dressing cap on all the way or closing a ziploc bag - I can not tell you how much food I throw out because he can't be bothered to close a container all the way. In our bedroom, god forbid a freaking dresser drawer gets shut or clothes make it to the laundry basket and forget about making the bed. This transfers to even the front door in the middle of winter, he can't shut it all the way closed. Seriously wth. The kitchen cabinets, the dryer door, honestly I feel like I have a kid I didn't want, not a partner. This is all compounded by the anger - he can not deal with anything that requires effort. I mean seriously if he thinks making a sandwich gets too difficult because the mustard isn't in clear sight he will get frustrated and walk away. He complains that I have no attention for anything, that I am the problem. Admittedly, I do have some ADD myself. I forget where I put my phone, I am easily distracted at times. I just signed up for counseling, this is not the first go around. This time I am looking for the help, the courage to leave this all behind. I want freedom without guilt and I just want to live my life. I am exhausted with all of this nonsense. Just needed to vent. Thank you
I am at the end of the rope
Submitted by kat67 on 03/01/2019.
I agree with all your venting
Submitted by Alone on
I agree with all your venting. I get it!!! Initially you take care of them because you love and cherish them. I too picked up after him and took care of most everything in the house partly because he did not always follow through. But time passes and he forgets about you. You just become the housekeeper with not even a thank you. He does not remember special events and other things in his life become priorities . Just not you his wife. I think that is the saddest time. You become the old shoe and there are nice new shiny shoes out there. So you get thrown away. I feel for you because I was there!! I get it!! It is so frustrating!!! For me my only wish was that he loved and cherish me. Now he wants a divorce. He wants to live out his last 20 years doing what he wants. I guess that frees me. But it is still sad when all you wanted was to have a family. Good luck!!! The road is tough!!! I don’t know if your spouse is working on his adhd? Mine only looked at it as a badge of honor and was not interested in how it affected relationships. Just to interject that I too was diagnosed with adhd. I too have trouble focusing, and forgetting things. For me it might be a response to the things going on at home? It will be interesting when everything is over if these symptoms still exists? I too am venting!!!
Thank you. I'm sorry you are
Submitted by kat67 on
Thank you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this too. Just want you to know, you aren't alone. VENT AWAY!
I hate you are dealing with this...Him too....
Submitted by c ur self on
Are you married? Try to step back and be the fly on the wall....You will see based on this post, that you aren't going to have much peace in the relationship...I have read so many posts over the years just like yours...Wrote several also....There are tons of people with add, who do not live a life of denial & blame....Even then, it takes acceptance of one another, and effort to persevere as one....
People who live like pigs, also love it like pigs....So you pointing out his happy life as a pig, does make you the one to blame....What is happening to you, and happened to me, and many here is, we think, not living like a pig is right for everyone!...So we destroy the peace of the happy pigs...You should try to see it from the pigs perspective....
Pigs love for everything to be in plan site...So they have none of the desire that you and I have to not leave the mustard (and a million other things) in plain site....That is just what pigs do....Pigs are very happy in their wallow alone...No one bothers them....
There are many many men and women who want their biological needs meet when it comes to companionship and sexual pleasure....But they have no tools in the box to live responsibly with a mate...They will always take advantage of someone who will mother and enable them....It's just their nature to be the pig they are!
So I suggest if you aren't connected by marital vows you might want to shake his hand and tell him to have a good life....And you do the same....Because you can rest assured unless you learn to PEACEFULLY ACCEPT the things you hate about his lifestyle, your in big trouble and so is he....
If you are married and want a peaceful life....You will have to set firm boundaries about major differences (and both respect the boundaries) are you will both end up disliking each other, or worse....
c
Not married, engaged
Submitted by kat67 on
We have been engaged for a while but I have put the wedding on hold. This is all so much to deal with and either I ignored the signs or things have gotten worse, maybe I am less tolerant. I don't know. I do know I can not continue like this. Being physically sick from a situation, feeling guilty ALL of the time. I don't want to hurt myself any longer. His unpredictable anger is something I need help with, he's not abusive but he does get angry over the littles things. SO having the end of the relationship talk with him is something I want to be fully prepared for. I am so grateful for finding this site. I thought I was alone, I had no idea why he does what he does. Thank you.
your soul is warning you; you should listen
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Kat67, your soul is warning you; you should listen. The ADHD behaviors do not 'get better'. You are far more likely to experience your husband's interest in you and your dreams to dissipate. Fade, fade, fade and then gone. Don't find yourself looking back 30 years hence, after a lifetime of pain and frustration, to remember 'I did not think it was a good idea.' I have lived this and I regret it deeply. Spare yourself and your possible children.
If I knew then...
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
All I can say is if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have married my ADHD husband. His behaviors worsened over time (20 years together) and continue to worsen. Good for you for seeing the red flags, putting yourself first, and putting the wedding on hold until you feel confident about a decision either way.
I have a long rope
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, kat67,
Each of us in this group has a different situation and brings a different perspective. From time to time I vent on this site for many of the same issues you are describing. I throw away plenty of food that is wasted by being poorly wrapped or left out on the counter or refrigerated when it should have been frozen. I used to hate it that my husband almost never closes doors or drawers. I was constantly busy and rushing around and having to stop short to avoid running into these obstacles. Now I know that's how it is, and I should expect to find doors and drawers open when I go around corners. I never run into them, and I simply close them as I pass.
Only a few days ago my husband and I were doing a cleaning job together. After he repeatedly wanted to put things in place before cleaning them, and I asked him why he couldn't remember we agreed to clean things, not simply put them back into their places dirty, he screamed, "I have a defective brain." When he calmed down, he explained he saw the task as putting the room back together - putting things back into their places - and he totally forgot that cleaning them came first, no matter how many times I reminded him.
If I had known this would be my life, I would not have married my husband. I saw his good qualities and overlooked his quirks. After years of terrible conflict, I am mostly able to see his good qualities, but his failure to follow through on commitments is still a big issue in our marriage. Periodically we have a huge argument over some commitment he did not keep. I have a long rope because I keep seeing the good and keep trying to enjoy life with my husband. For me the good definitely outweighs the bad.
I thought my husband could be more organized if he tried harder. It hasn't happened. I don't think it will ever happen. I even got him to work with an ADD coach. After many months of working with the coach on keeping 'to do' lists and tracking things, he seems utterly incapable of doing it. I put events on his calendar; they pass unremarked unless I make them happen. My husband seems to do whatever strikes his fancy on any given day. Sometimes it's something really useful; sometimes it's a tremendous waste of time and creates havoc in the household.
Only you can decide what's right for you. If your fiancé is willing and capable of working on the things that matter to you, things may be good. You are right to seek help in making the best possible decision.
All the best,
Angie
Thank you
Submitted by kat67 on
Thanks to everyone for replying. It really does help to have a place to read shared experiences, vent and learn. I do try to focus on the good, it's tough at times but I do try to remind myself. Some days though. What I find interesting is that if something is of interest to him or directly benefits HIM, he can stay focused for hours. In my SO's case he has a hobby that is tedious but he will sit there for hours and do it. It is both maddening and fascinating all at the same time. Anyway, thank you all so much for sharing your advice and experiences with me. I start counseling in 2 weeks, I'm so looking forward to that. <3
Hobbies
Submitted by Alone on
I have been married over 20 years and my marriage is ending. Why? He spends his time with someone/ or something else and not me . This gives you a glance at what married life will be like. I hope you read Melissa’s post on grieving the relationship you thought you had. It says it all there. You just have to decide if you can live with those behaviors. Counseling is excellent and can help you see what is. If you haven’t read Melissa’s book adhd and marriage I would totally recommend it!!! When I read it I just cried!!! My husband is in denial that adhd has anything to do with our relationship. So he does not want to work on things and just wants out. Good luck!!! You are in a good position because you are not married and have children yet.
meds
Submitted by repeat that please on
kat67,
does he take meds for his ADHD? Do they make any difference in him that you've observed?
He doesn't believe he has it
Submitted by kat67 on
He has no idea. It's just "his makeup" so no meds and probably never will be.
Diagnosis
Submitted by repeat that please on
Do you believe he got an accurate dx? Did those who evaluated him make recommendations about how he should proceed from there? He is right that it is his make up. That's for sure and even the finest race cars need tune ups, the correct fuel, and stellar brakes.
We are known for jumping from one task to another without completing anything. Our boredom is colossal. Impulsivity destroys our best intentions. These things have nothing to do with willpower or morality. In the ADHDer it is our "wiring". It is a "neuro/bio/chemical" disorder that doesn't obey our best intentions. That's how experts, true experts in this field, understand it. It isn't an acceptable means to diagnose or to test to see if someone has ADHD, nevertheless, the impact of the proper stimulants applied to someone with ADHD is often profound, beneficial and demonstrates the underlying biological/electrical/chemical nature of the problem.
Folks with this disorder are often bright, creative and intuitive. The correct drugs are frequently the key to unleashing our potential.
Not formally diagnosed
Submitted by kat67 on
He would never go to a professional to be diagnosed. I diagnosed him due to what I have found in my own research. He scoffs at the idea of it, or laughs that it is probably true but to go pay money for someone to tell hom so...please. He is extremely creative and intuitive. However, it doesn't make it less frustrating for either of us. Honestly, I am not looking to "fix" him. I just want to either figure out a way to live with it or move on.
Thank you for your input!
just helps to explain behavior
Submitted by repeat that please on
"...it doesn't make it less frustrating for either of us." Does he have heroes or people he greatly admires? ADHD is no respecter of persons. From Yale to jail, as they say. If he learns that others whom he respects have it, would that make it any easier for him to reconsider his own vulnerability?
As I've said, Ned Hallowell has it and he graduated from Harvard undiagnosed. He is dyslexic, too! Did you say that you have some of the symptoms? If so, have you thought about getting a formal evaluation? If you do have it and get help, your entire life may very well improve in ways hard to imagine right now.
Please--don't feel in any way obligated to answer or address me/my questions here. My purpose isn't to stick my nose in your business, to push my thoughts, opinions, suggestions on you. I want what's best for you and him, whatever that is.
To me, the answer is simple
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
If he will get counseling, right away, and stick with it, then stick with him. If he won't, leave. Yes, he has a mental disability. But if he won't seek help with it, you will have a terrible life together and you will spend all your time trying to find ways to fix him or to fix yourself so that you can love him the way you want to love him. But that won't be possible if he doesn't get help and stick with and and approach it with sincerity and hard work. It's his disease. It's his responsibility.
There are plenty of people with ADHD who are good husbands, wives, employees, etc. They have gotten help for their condition. Meanwhile, the rest of us struggle with our out-of-control partners and continue to think that one day we will find that one secret fix that will make everything work. The only fix is the one they find for themselves.
Good luck!
^^This, 100%. Marriage is
Submitted by daizzebelle on
^^This, 100%. Marriage is challenging. Full stop. When you are married to someone who has extra issues, it's extra challenging. If I knew what the future held I would not have married my first husband or my second husband. For 10 years I put all of my heart and soul and time and energy into trying to fix my first husband's problems. I finally woke up and realized that not only was it not possible and not my job to fix him, he did not *want* to change. My current husband wants to change but it has been and continues to be extremely difficult for him to change his behavior. He takes Adderall. It helps, but not enough. He has had coaching for his executive function issues. It helped, but not enough. He tries to do better. It's not enough. We are both unhappy and I am on the verge of leaving him. If he were refusing to get treatment, I would be already gone.
^^This, 100%. Marriage is
Submitted by daizzebelle on
^^This, 100%. Marriage is challenging. Full stop. When you are married to someone who has extra issues, it's extra challenging. If I knew what the future held I would not have married my first husband or my second husband. For 10 years I put all of my heart and soul and time and energy into trying to fix my first husband's problems. I finally woke up and realized that not only was it not possible and not my job to fix him, he did not *want* to change. My current husband wants to change but it has been and continues to be extremely difficult for him to change his behavior. He takes Adderall. It helps, but not enough. He has had coaching for his executive function issues. It helped, but not enough. He tries to do better. It's not enough. We are both unhappy and I am on the verge of leaving him. If he were refusing to get treatment, I would be already gone.
If I had it to do over I
Submitted by daizzebelle on
If I had it to do over I would have left my 1st husband at the altar. We had issues before we got married and it was multiplied by a factor of roughly eleventy million after we got married. After we had a baby our conflicts increased exponentially. Don't feel guilty. You are not happy now. Marriage will not magically make things better. Dump him. Be happy now.