"I am going to do it!"

My FH was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I am extremely upset with him always saying he is going to do something, and then never actually doing it. Honestly the only way things get done, is when I get on his case demanding that he does it RIGHT now! I am tired of that method. Recently, when things need to be done by a specific date, what I have done is put it into his phone with 2 day reminders. Well, apparently when something needs to be done by a Saturday deadline, he thinks its perfectly fine to have it completed by Monday. And that's with me asking why its not done yet.

I am not sure if he is using his ADHD as an excuse, or its his way of trying to get me to give him more time (or do it myself) but I through a bit of a tantrum yesterday. I pretty much said, "take your ADHD and shove it!"

I know he has ADHD, but come on, its not any reason to not complete something on time. He has reminders in his face!

Reason not excuse

I had to laugh, we've all been here. Frustrating to live in the moment though.  If we have plans for the wknd I tell dh every day, and it always seems like news to him. I doubt your guy is trying to manipulate you into doing things, at least not consciously, but if its not in his wheelhouse or interesting something will drag his attention away. Perhaps if he new why it had to be done by Saturday he might have more urgency. No guarantees though. 

Its funny. I find him to be

Its funny. I find him to be very reliable, one of the most reliable people I know, and at the same time.... blah. Sometimes I think its just the way we look at things, ADHD aside. If I know I have a project due in 5 months, I will start researching and working on the topic now. Him? He waits til 2 months before to even touch it. That makes me uneasy.

I must say once he knows why I feel something needs to be done by a specific time 8 out of 10 times he would do it. 

"what I have done is put it

"what I have done is put it into his phone with 2 day reminders"

That may be a problem right there.   You need to 'train him' to set reminders himself, otherwise they will not be as serious to his brain.  And even then he will need to remember to act after the reminder goes off. You will need patience as he learns something new.

Or maybe he doesn't buy into the idea of phone reminders.  Try a discussion on how he thinks he can best learn to set his own reminders.  If you continue to do it then you're setting yourself up for a life of being mommy.  Not the best start to married life.

"take your ADHD and shove it!"

I know, I do understand, that you were very frustrated and that you're paraphrasing. I have to bite my tongue, grit my teeth, breathe deeply and sit on my hands all at once sometimes too.  He probably knows very well how he disappoints you and that ADHD isn't something he can turn off.  One day you might have children with ADHD.

pick them

I completely hear how fed up a non-ADHD partner can get. I am just getting ready to finalize divorce from my spouse of 12 years who had untreated and unmanaged ADHD, among other things. I know it is hard to fathom how someone can say they will do something and then just not do it, even with reminders. I threw my share of fits, myself, lol: planning our wedding was not fun and it was the first inkling I got that his brain worked very differently than mine. But: I did not really pay attention because I loved him and wanted everything to be ok. I was just hurt and went on with things. People with ADHD do have a very difficult time completing tasks, starting tasks, staying on task, and seeing time the way that you and I do. Your solution of programming his phone with reminders is something that may work for you, but it isn't necessarily something that works for him any more than speaking Italian to him might help. He needs to embrace his own way of meeting some deadlines, if that is important to him. 

You can take this for what it is, which is advice from a woman who lived it and had her marriage not work out:-) I suggest that if you are already this frustrated and perturbed by his ADHD (I read your other post about his financial issues), you take a long, hard look at what you want and have your eyes open when you go in, before you marry this man. You may love him very much but that may not mean he is the ideal partner for you. He very well may make some progress, but then again, he may always have a tough time with finances and with completing tasks and other behaviors associated with ADHD, including impulsivity and holding down a job and an apparent lack of emotional connection and empathy, which can be very painful. He might have gotten used to using ADHD (and you taking his phone and entering reminders for him in an attempt to help) as a crutch, or he may very well just have a tough time with deadlines, time, and financial management because the part of his brain that regulates executive function is very different than what you might consider "normal." 

I will tell you that if you get frustrated and angry and take it personally, (it is hard not to, I know and I did!) it will be toxic for your relationship. He will start being defensive and may respond with anger in kind. And you will grow more and more resentful unless you learn to work with him on this. Not that you cannot express what is important or what you need, but you must understand that your marriage may not ever be like what you thought, or what your friends have. I also suggest that you pick your battles--is this task you are upset about something very important, and is the deadline vital, or is it something that is pushing your buttons because his not finishing things is already driving you crazy? Think about having kids. Think about doing Christmas or celebrations by yourself. Think about paying all the bills and being in charge of almost everything, forever. Are you ready for that? 

I hope that I am way, way off here, but I wish someone had said it to me and I had listened: Whatever you do, don't marry him if you can't deal with who he is right now. The stress of working and having a family usually exacerbates problems with ADHD. Love is great but it is not a case of loving you enough or not--it is a case of him having a condition that you both need to understand. 


My best to you. 

P.S. It is true: you have a decent chance that your children will have ADHD. It is hereditary. 

I no longer take anything he

I no longer take anything he does personally. Life is just too short for that. Thanks for all the advice you offered, it is very good to hear info from someone who lived with a spouse with ADHD for so long. Its weird that today for one of our premarital meetings with our pastor, a similar topic came up. Not ADHD related just the dynamics of marriage on a whole. The whole picking our battles wisely is something I will definitely apply, and what he said... Not expecting perfection in marriage. The science of genetics is a very tricky topic. I know that there is a chance of our children being diagnosed as ADHD. I also know that there is a chance of our children having things that may or may not be hereditary by nature. Thanks for all the good wishes