I am Instant Gratification and He is Build up/Foreplay - can it work?

I've seen quite a few posts here regarding ADHD+non-ADHD couples and their sex lives but one part of the subject that I didn't see touched upon (no pun intended) is how to deal with the ADHD partner's desire for instant gratification when the non-ADHD partner enjoys more of a build-up and foreplay.  In my case, I'm the one who is the instant gratification person and he couldn't be more opposite, especially where sex is concerned but really in so many ways that is how we are.  He is frustrated because of my lack of sensuality.  He says I seem to have very little creativity in the bedroom in terms of setting the scene/mood, flirting, building up to the crescendo.  I wonder if he's right.  I can be creative in so many ways but when it comes to the bedroom, I am more the 'jump your bones' type.  He is - in every way - the most creative person I've ever met - but especially in the bedroom...  and while I do enjoy this, the long build-up can at times cause my mind to wander.  I'm newly diagnosed and on meds/therapy but this is something that I know causes my other half not only frustration but some heartache.  This is probably a bit odd coming from the female half of the relationship - I always hear these types of "complaints" coming more from my gender than from men (generally)...  For a long time, I thought something MUST be wrong with me for my mind to wander so much during foreplay but now I know it to be a byproduct of the ADHD.  This doesn't make it any less irritating for me, as I feel I should be focused - at least during these most intimate moments!  Back to the original point of my post - I am not even sure how to learn to be more creative in the realm of setting the right scene in the bedroom...  Don't get me wrong, I've watched some movies (both pornographic and not) to try and garner ideas but when I attempt to implement them, I feel awkward and forced at best - at least thus far.  Is my man doomed to a woman with no creativity in bed?!  I sure hope not.  Is this a skill that can be learned??  He has often told me that I am sexual but not sensual (not in an accusatory way - we were merely discussing what some of our issues might be)...  Can one learn to become sensual when dealing with ADHD at 38?

I know the original post I'm

I know the original post I'm replying to is very old, but I've been looking all over the internet and few people bring up what kind of difficulties a woman with AD/HD may face in her sex life.  I don't know if it's because women are less comfortable sharing the kinds of details I am about to share, but I probably would have been more hopeful about my chances if I knew I wasn't alone.  I hope that my story can help anyone who may have similar experiences.

I am 26 years old and I have been with my now fiance for over five years.  About six months ago, I was (finally) diagnosed with inattentive type ADD and began treatment.  Before then (and a little after), I was a lot like the original poster.  Fast and hard was the only way I could stay engaged in the bedroom.  My fiance, however, is a very sensitive and sensual person (classic opposites attract situation).  I used to think to myself during foreplay "can we just get to it already?"  Unlike PepperPotts, however, I have a very vivid imagination.  I'm ashamed to admit that, in the past, I would have chosen masturbation over sex with the man I love the majority of the time.  Not only was it quick and guaranteed to do the trick, I could also do whatever I wanted in my mind.  Masturbating was a pretty big problem for me.

I couldn't share with him my darkest desires.  It was probably my badly damaged self-esteem, or all the shame from years of feeling like a fraud, that kept me from opening up.  Which leads me to my first point: don't be afraid to share your needs with your partner.  It will bring you closer and end a lot of needless suffering.

I did try to spice things up as much as I could, though.  We experimented a lot.  Honestly, at the rate we were going, I thought we were going to run out of new stuff before we got married. (Then what would we do if we got in a rut?!)  But even when I was at my most excited, I always felt like something was missing.  I felt horrible about it.  I wondered if I could ever feel what he felt when we were together.  It made me question whether or not I could spend the rest of my life with him.

Not long after I started treatment, he proposed and, obviously, I said yes.  I knew I loved him, even if I couldn't show it when it counted.  I decided to make a conscious effort to be more engaged during sex.  (That's the ADD solution, right?  Try harder?)  With the help of medication, it worked.  For the first time, I was with him the whole time, but I was still missing that connection and I couldn't figure why.  I started to believe that I just couldn't experience sex the way everyone else describes it.

Recently, I moved to a new area.  I am living without my fiance for the first time in years.  It's a bummer, but it's given me a ton of space to work through all the things I've been discovering about myself.  As a result of the move, I was between therapists for a while.  In the interim, I studied as much as I could about the disorder.  Ironically, I began to hyperfocus on learning more about ADHD.

I came across an article about sex and ADD and the writer mentioned something called sensory processing disorder (SPD), also known as sensory integration disorder.  A light bulb went on.  I'm a musician and I have excellent hearing, but I have to listen to music very loudly because background noise drives me crazy.  I'm super ticklish and I've always hated being tickled.  I pretty much don't like being touched unless I'm given warning.  Oh, and if there's a draft in the room, believe me, I'll feel it on my skin.

Basically, I prefer a hard touch over softer ones.  I like heavy blankets; I prefer snug clothing, etc.  I took this into account the very next time my fiance came to visit.  I laid face-down on the bed and told him that I could really use a back massage (again, communication).  It was as if I was awakening my body and preparing it to experience the sensations that were in store.

As things began to heat up, he started lightly kissing me all over my torso.  Usually, this kind of thing would tickle me and make me really uncomfortable, but to my surprise, I was really into it.  I remember thinking "I like this.  I should tell him I like this."  Again, I'm not completely sure why I have such trouble speaking up (I'm perpetually the wheel that gets no oil), but it took a bit of convincing myself before I said "I like when you touch me gently like that."  That was all it took.  He took the cue and I experienced something I never felt before.  It was like I fell in love with him all over again, only deeper.

My point is that if feel like something is missing from your physical relationship with the one you love, don't give up or lose hope.  Consider other aspects of your condition that may be at play and share your feelings.  The worst thing you can do is deprive yourself of true intimacy.  Trust me, I know.