I am at a loss

I've been reading the forum for about two months but just registered. So much of it is like a mirror image of my relationship with my ADHD husband.  We've been married for 29 years. For the first several years he hyper focused on me.  I was the shiny object. There were the usual ADHD problems, inattentiveness, irresponsibility, awkward social skills, etc. He was diagnosed 20 + years ago, tried meds for two weeks, didn't like them and never tried again.   I took on the majority of the responsibility for everything in our life.  For the first 14 years he could not keep a job. It was always someone else's fault.  Our son was born when we'd been married 14 years and he finally got a job he's stayed with (I found the job, filled out the application, made sure he was at the interview, coached him on the interviewed questions, etc). Since our son was born I have taken on all of the parental and all household responsibilities. He goes to his job and comes home. If anything is done at home it is because I ask him, several times.  There are many unfinished projects. I homeschool our son, have a small business, take care of the house, take care of the finances, etc.  He is extremely irresponsible with money and has drained our savings to almost zero.  We lost one home and if he was in charge of finances we would lose another.  He can't keep out of the checking or savings account and I am constantly having to juggle things to make ends meet and maybe set a little  money aside.  It's exhausting.

About four years ago he started to change. I noticed it shortly after his dad died.  He became argumentative. If I did not agree with his point of view I was terrible and selfish.  Everyone and everything in the world was stupid.  I was to blame for everything he did not like in his life. It got worse and worse until I finally confronted him about it about a year ago.  Because I had not read current ADHD research I did not think about it being part of the problem.  Because of his age I thought it might be hormonal or something else. I also knew my anxiety had contributed.  It wasn't until the last two months that it occurred to me that it might be his ADHD and I began researching and found this website. Wow.  So much of this is my story.  We are now at the point where we've had several blow ups.  I've been called horrible names, he's threatened to leave, etc. We're barely getting along for a few days at a time.  I've tried to talk to him about his ADHD but he refuses to do anything about it.  He is so hostile and blames everything on me.  He so badly needs help.  I am going to counseling which helps but I still don't know how to have a happy life and deal with the ADHD.  What do I let go of and what do I need to keep doing?  To make matters worse my mother suddenly and unexpectedly passed away 3 months ago. I now feel like I have no one who is really there for me.  My husband has been of very little comfort. I feel so alone.  I have order Melissa Orlov's book and expect to get it in the mail any day.  I hope that will give me some insight.  My faith is what has gotten me through it so far, but I am so worn out.