My wife and I have 3 sons. One is ADHD (impulsive and attention def) while the other two are ADD (attention only). I was most likely ADHD (impulsive and attention) too as a child based on all the family stories. This simple fact makes me feel both horribly guilty for having passed this disorder on to my children and highly protective of them as I know first hand how it feels to be different.
The challenge we now face as a family is that my wife is unable to cope with our ADHD child. She is very controlling and he is not easy. He is medicated and it seems to help but he still has lots of challenges. He is a twin and just turned 6 years old. Its all the more challenging when he is constantly compared to his calm and very smart brother.
There have been two incidents (one recently and one about a year ago) where I thought that I need to get a divorce so I can protect my children. My wife has a big load on her given the fact that I have a huge job that requires significant travel. We have had hired lots of people to help ease that burden including au pair's, gardeners, cleaning service etc but still it is a lot. The biggest challenge is that my wife hates my 6 year old. She has said such unbelievably hateful things as "I wish he was never born," and "he is such a fuck up and such an embarrassment," and more recently "he has ruined our family." Did I mention he is 6--- s-i-x!!!!
She gets angry at me because I don't have any empathy for her. She claims that she says these things in anger and needs to get rid of her feelings by vocalizing things. I don't care how angry she gets such vitriol is unfathomable to me. I try talking to her about having empathy for him-- making analogies like imagine his challenges were physical like CP or something. In addition to being controlling she is also very selfish. I suppose you can probably tell that there isn't much left in the tank of our marriage but given the choice between my children and my wife its no contest for me.
Having said that I don't know if a divorce would be helpful to the children. I am the child of divorce and I can tell you first hand it was a horrible thing to go through as a child. It is true that I am not feeling empathetic towards her even though I get it on an intellectual level. I just feel this instinct to remove me and my children from a loveless environment. It breaks my heart that my wife doesn't love our son. Like I said... I am lost and desperate for advice and don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. Please help!