Maybe I am delusional, and maybe I am missing the mark completely... but something occurred to me this morning when I woke up.
I am his mirror. Its why he cannot face me anymore. Its why he has to run away from our marriage and me. To be with me, he has to be his true self, I will not settle for the mask that he gives to everyone else. His true self is who I love. *I* will not let him be dishonest with himself. He knows that he cannot tell me he is OK when he isnt. Even if I say nothing - he knows he cannot hide himself from me. Thats why he can run to a friends house and be comfortable, because NO ONE THERE is close enough to force him to deal with his real self. His mother in fear of pushing him away will go with anything he says. His friends just don't want to deal with any of his issues - they just want to hang out and have fun. But me... because I DO care, because I WANT the truth - it forces him to have to really look at himself and that is the greatest and deepest discomfort and pain to him there is. He has to face shame and guilt, some earned for his own bad behavior - easily forgiven by me- though he cant seem to forgive himself as he should, but MOST of that shame and guilt isnt even his - it was just pushed on him as a child for things he has zero control on - but he cannot tell the difference between them. And I am betting that shame and guilt for those things that ARENT his (the CSA, some of the thoughts and things he had to do to protect himself) - those are so scary that he lumps everything together and just runs as fast as he can. And he cannot see that that stuff is the past and he is letting it control his present - but he doesnt have to let it control his future.
I also reflect his insecurities.. because I know his worth, and his talents, and his strengths - I KNOW the real man inside and he is amazing... he cannot hide and pretend he doesnt have them or that this mask he wears is who he is. He cannot look at me like he can everyone else and feel no responsibility and no requirements and no expectations. Thats what makes everyone else so comfortable for him - the have zero expectations of him. They dont think he CAN be anything.... more... than the guy that sits around in his room and plays games coming out every now and then to eat - a guy to talk shit with and play games with or watch football with. And while they do care, its a limited thing - because he isnt a big part of their lives. They like to think they live on some movie where friends will be there through thick and thin - but when it comes to the hard stuff, they ignore it and let HIM ignore it because THAT part of loving someone is hard. They are friends, good friends - but not the kind that will walk through hell with you and drag you out, or pick you up if you fall. he will call them and talk to them and have a great time - but he cant talk to me because I know the truth about who he is - he cant pretend to be someone else to me.
Its starting to click.
I wonder....am I close to the truth here.